Chapter 160: Chapter 159 ~ What is Love?

Adler’s fluffy ears twitch atop her head as she eagerly waits for the meal to be served. Her eyes glisten with joy, her lips shifting expectantly, all as Nel enters the room with dishes in her hands. Eshya follows her carrying more, it’s more of a meal than we usually have.

A full feast considering there’s only the five of us here sharing it.

The meals are made from ingredients we’ve brought out from the dungeon. There’s not been too much of it recently considering the war, but we have to train and without the mana boost we’ll get nowhere. I could simply flood the food with mana I’ve stolen from the corpses of the beasts, but this way does taste better.

Adler sits up straight as Nel and Eshya lay out the meals on the table between us. A thick creamy soup with meaty strips and small floating chunks of cheese, a pastry something like a pie, filled with a mince of meat and sweet fruits. Finally, there’s a pasta dish, noodles topped with eggs and thick chunks of saucy meat.

A mix of flavours if you think

Vii, nudges my side and waves at Adler, whose attention is so focused on the meal that she doesn’t notice the pair of us staring at her.

Her nose twitches but not as much as her ears, her wide-open eyes look pleadingly at Eshya and Nel as they settle in, propriety and good manners are more important than her base desires. She wouldn’t have ended up a welfare officer without some good self-restraint.

“Shall we get started?” I ask, serving myself a slice of pie.

It’s signal for us to start the meal, Adler doesn’t waste a moment longer, diving for the pasta right away. The food is nice, though not the best I’ve ever had, and the company is all I could want for, but the warmth of the moment doesn’t pierce that layer of sweat forming over my skin.

As my thick mana rages through me, tearing me apart and rebuilding me anew, I feel distant from everything going on. I can’t clear the ringing from my ears, and no matter how much I magically clean up, a layer of imaginary oil coats my skin.

The numbers measuring my progress are ticking up, I’m getting closer to my goal, but I feel more distant. The air feels cold, though I know it’s not, my thoughts spin in circles and I can’t quite focus. The hateful violent thoughts are gone for now, but they’re not the only difficult emotions raging inside.

Eshya is smiling broadly as she leans against Nel’s side, spinning up some noodles with her fork. Adler has started to slow, and join the conversation again, her ears still tall and twitching. I reach out for Vii at my side, feeling the warmth in her arm.

“Kyra, are you okay?” She asks, sounding so very far away. “You’re pale and sweaty.”

“I’m training.” I say, my own voice slow, and barely pronouncing the words. I’ve pushed my limits, and I’ve nearly reached the point where a normal liquid mana stage should form.

As they turn their attention towards me, I feel my own chest bursting with the warmth of their attention. The feelings that have corrupted my heart for a long while now.

“I want you all.” I say, leaning down over the table. A little mana bursts out from my guts, and I correct the flow to stop the leak. “I want your love and your affection. I want to be the most important person in your lives.”

“We already know that.” Eshya says, smiling awkwardly as she steps around the table to my side. “You think we didn’t? We’ve discussed this all before.”

“It’s not just love.” I say, meeting her eyes. “I want your everything. I’m possessive, controlling, demanding. I want…” I reach out for her, but she steps into my hand and leans against me.

“Like I said.” Eshya laughs, pressing a hand against my forehead. “We know. You don’t need to be ashamed of it.”

“You shouldn’t push yourself so hard.” Nel says from my side. “There’s no point to training like this if you hurt yourself.”

“I have to be strong. To protect you all. To make a world where we can be safe.” I say, my breath coming fast as everything races to come out. “I have to be stronger, better than I am today. I have to fight and become someone who can make those dreams become real. I can’t just sit here and enjoy this; I can’t get lazy. I need to become worthy.”

“Worthy?” Vii asks, leaning close.

“Worthy of you. Of all of you.” I say, “Worthy of your love.”

“Kyra.” Eshya says, her tone serious.

“What?” I ask, looking up to her eyes. She flicks, my head but it doesn’t really hurt.

“Ouch.” I say out of habit.

“Worthy of love?” She asks. “I love you, and that’s that. There’s no worthy or unworthy to it. It’s just the way things are, like how fire is hot and ice is cold, I love you and you love me. That’s the world we live in.

“If you want to become stronger to make us a more beautiful home, to keep us safe, then why are you not training your most important soldier?” She asks. “I’ve been waiting for my mana boost, you know.”

“I forgot…” I say. She lifts up a chunk of meat from the pasta and holds it between us.

“Double what you gave me yesterday.” Eshya says, her eyes firmly meeting mine.

“Eshya…”

“Do it. I can handle it.” She says, not flinching, pressing the meat between my lips. I gather my mana into it as she asks of me, before she presses her lips to mine, taking it back.

She flinches, gripping me tight as she pulls the mana into herself, but even as her eyes water she doesn’t look away. She shivers, trembling as the mana cuts and tears through her soul, slowly becoming hers with the same violent rage as I’ve felt a thousand times before.

The others join, though I feed them less mana. They can’t handle as much of it.

“I want to keep you safe.” I say. “I don’t want any of you to suffer. I’ve made sacrifices already because I’m too weak to save everyone. I have to kill to keep you all safe, but it’s not enough. I’m still too weak.”

“Thank you.” Nel says, barely expressing her own pains as she reaches out and holds my hand. “I can’t fight like Eshya or you. I know that I depend on you all, that our escape from this world and this situation can only come through power like you’re reaching for, but I’m… I can’t do anything like that. I can’t fight, and I can’t use any fancy magics. I’m nothing special.”

“You don’t have to be.” I say, “I’ll deal with all the violence and all the horrible things for you.”

“I’ll support you.” Nel says, squeezing my hand. “In every way that I can, I want this. I want all of this, but I don’t want you to suffer for it. Take your time. Share your burdens with us, alright?”

I nod slowly, even with all that I’ve shared with them, I’ve taken on new responsibilities. This very war that I’ve thrown us into is something that can’t be won unless I find some new power. Either that or accept that I’ll lose people. Perhaps even some people at this table with me.

“I’m close to reaching my liquid stage.” Vii says. “I’m so close, tonight I’ll do it. I’ll be a little bit stronger. I’ll get used to my time magic, so that you don’t have to worry about me. You shouldn’t have to worry about me.”

“I’ll always worry.” I say, “Until I’m the most powerful being in the universe I’ll worry that someone is going to take you from me, and even after that I’ll probably worry that you’ll choose to leave me yourself.

“I worry, and stress, and always want for more. It’s who I am.”

“I won’t leave.” Vii says. “I have to record this history. I’ll stay right until the end. Whatever end we find for ourselves.”

She smiles brilliantly enough to wash away the oily feeling over my skin. Though my ears still ring, and my heart still pounds painfully, I feel a little bit better.

“Kyra.” Eshya whispers my name, holding me close as the trembling runs through her. Trying to control herself through the terrible pain of converting more mana than she’s usually capable of.

“I have you.” I say, holding her tight.

Nel and Vii hover close, finishing their meals as they leave me to deal with Eshya.

“I want to make a better world.” Adler says, staring down at the meal before her. “There’s so much about the Unified States that I love, so much that I don’t want to let go of. We can’t have this kind of peace down in the dungeon, or anywhere else that I know of.”

“I want to-” I’m cut off.

“Make that better world?” Alder asks, smiling. “A world where we can have all the good aspects of the Unified States, without the evil, without the cruelty?”

“Yes.” I say.

“Then you can’t let yourself die.” She says, cleaning up her face with a handkerchief. “If you die then we lose all hope of making that happen.”

“So, you’re not going to say that you like me?” I ask, peering at her over Eshya’s shoulder. The elf has settled on my lap, leaning against me while she struggles to digest the mana, and forcing me to stay here.

Did I feed her too much?

Eshya shakes her head and pinches my cheek.

“I’m fine.” She whispers while Adler searches for her own answer. “I like sitting here, that’s all. So don’t move and be a good chair for me, okay?”

“Yes, yes.” I say, finding a smile.

“I’m not… I didn’t go through everything you all went through.” Alder finds the words that she wants to say, staring at each of us in turn. “I think I understand you all a little better now than I did before.”

“What do you mean?” Nel asks, turning a cautious eye to her.

“Is this really love?” She asks, blushing and shaking her head as we all turn to her, Nel in particular with a rather heated expression. “I don’t mean…

“What I mean to say,” Adler starts again. “Is that you’re clinging to one another. After what happened to you all on that wildland’s planet, where Red nearly had you all killed, you were all a little shaken by it.

“Then coming to this world, where no one can understand what it was like, where you only have each other, you decided to cling to one another.” She says, staring down at her hands. “I get why you are, as you are. Whether it’s love, or desperation, or trauma, or whatever it is that binds you all together.

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“I just don’t get where I fit in all of this.” She whispers staring down at her own hands, her tall ears fold down over her head. She’s lonely, she’s always been lonely. Her trauma is different, my affection for her isn’t quite the same as it is for the others.

I still want her regardless.

“It’s love.” Nel says strictly, glaring at Adler. “I want a family with all of you, a strong family bound together by love.”

Her strict response is… comforting.

“Do you want to be with us?” I ask Adler the same question that I asked before. “Feelings and emotions, love and lust, and desperation. I feel all these things and more, I’m a complicated mess, and I’m not the only one.”

She looks up at me, Nel and Vii turn their gaze to me too, interested in my answer. Eshya doesn’t seem to care, focusing on her own struggles with the mana inside her.

“There’s still a lot I have to figure out.” I say closing my eyes for a moment. “There’s still a lot that I’m not getting right. I’m still desperate to find some safe home for us all, and I… I’m scared of failing.

“I’m scared that this relationship we have is a lie, that the love I feel isn’t real… that we’re all pretending, that tomorrow I’ll wake up and everything will slip away from me. I hold on because I want this.

“I want to make this real.” I say, staring into her eyes. “All you need to ask yourself is if you want to be a part of it. That’s the same for my relationship with everyone here, and with my Empire.”

My heart steadies its beat, and I let the mana burn through me, cutting through the last of my weaknesses as I feel my feet find the ground. I know what I want from this life. I know what I have to achieve.

I hug Eshya tight as she slips from my lap. She shakes herself and grabs me tighter.

“What is wrong with your head that you can withstand this pain?” Eshya asks, pressing her head close to mine.

“I focus on more important things.” I say, nuzzling her cheek.

“Why me?” Adler asks, still unsure.

“Because you’re cute.” I reply with a shrug. Vii doesn’t know how to respond, but Nel has her own answer.

“You’re a decent, responsible person.” She says. “It’s difficult herding these girls around on my own. I could use the extra help.”

Adler slowly nods, somehow accepting that answer better than my own.

“And you are acceptably cute.” Nel adds, looking her up and down with a satisfied nod. “Now are we done? I thought we’d settled all of this already. We’re a family and if anyone wants to leave then I want a good reason for it.

“I’m already planning for our children and I’d like to know in advance that you’re going to be around. I won’t have any deadbeat moms running off.”

Nel looks between us all before giving a firm and happy nod.

“Good, then let’s finish dinner, I don’t want any of this to go to waste.” She says, spreading around all the food that’s left on the table.

I’m going to be feeling bloated tonight.

“After that, I’d like to talk about our future. I have a device here that can help us plan out the features of our children and I’d like to decide on a few before bed tonight.”

“Ah, Nel?” I ask nervously.

“What is it?” She asks.

“Nothing. Nothing.” I shake my head and release my nervous tension with a laugh. I’m sure she’s just getting ready for the future, it’s not like she’ll go and magically prepare a batch of kids for us to raise while we’re at war with Loekan.

“Adler, could you hold this for a second.” Nel hands a small egg shaped stone to Adler, the enchantments whirling active after a few moments.

“What is it?” Adler asks, looking worriedly towards Nel.

“Focus on dinner, it’s getting cold.” She says, pulling the enchanted device back again and looking over it carefully before giving a firm nod.

I’m sure it’s nothing.

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Skills & Stats

 

~Mana Form:

Current mana density: 6794 units

~Mana distribution:

Defence: 0/100%

Offense: 0/100%

Mana sense: 0/100%

Recovery: 98/98%

Gluttony: 0/98%

Misc.: 0/100%

Efficiency: 98/100%

 

~Favourited Skills:

-Tag and Film

-Trapping

-Mana surge movement

-Annihilation defence

-Annihilation flame burst

-Annihilation net

-Eyes of an Empire

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

//Author Note

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