The Tree of Silence

Anxious, I have been for a long time now, living from an extreme to another -feeling either too much or nothing at all.

In the 19 years that I have lived, I have not changed much. Throughout my life, I've been termed many things; Patient and Inpatient, Cruel and Kind; Duality seems to haunt me from birth. But one term I was never granted: Normal.

Always I've been considered bizarre, strange, and eccentric, but never was I a standard model for anything. But how could I have been? My heart has been, from conception, somewhere else. My mind has always wandered far and wide through books and paintings.

I could not help it; my imagination has always pulled me to different places, far from the ones I should be in.

Because of my strangeness, always I've been alone. I'm neither god nor beast, and yet, I have enjoyed my solitude-I could not live without it.

Oh, I've gone on too much about myself.

What matters is that, for some reason, I've been recommended meditation as a form of therapy.

Meditation has opened the doors to a new, unknown world; for me, alone, to explore.

And that is the reason why I started this journal; To record my journeys into this world of mine.

On a rainy morning, I decided to, finally, after months of knowing about it, try out meditation.

In my darkroom, I sat with my legs crossed. Breathing deeply, I focused on the sounds; The rain, the thunder, the passing cars, and my breathing. After time unknown, I lost all feeling in my body, and all sounds faded, drowned by the sound of my heartbeats.

I concentrated on my heart, pouring every drop of my attention into listening to it. Not long did I focus, and my whole being started to pulsate; I felt myself expand and contract, again and again for what felt like hours, as if were my own heart and nothing more.

Without me noticing, the feeling vanished, and all sounds ceased. Slowly, I started to feel my body again. I felt light-headed, so I opened my eyes, and instead of the darkness of my room, I found myself welcomed by scenery like no other.

A vast and dark expanse of opaque plants and what seemed to be volcanic gravel cut by a mirror-like river; The sky above, colored in multiple shades of grey, was devoid of any cloud, star, moon, or sun.

But, the world was illuminated, despite the absence of any light source in the sky. And I knew, somehow, that the light came from somewhere behind me.

I turned in search of that light source, and, in the distance, I saw it: A tree so tall that its branches seemed to hold the very heavens. It was kilometers away from me, yet I could clearly see its silver leaves dancing with the winds.

It was a bizarre tree; It seemed to have countless leaves in a moment, and in another, it was devoid of them. The leaves were even stranger than the tree itself, for they seemed to illuminate the entire word, and at the same time, they radiated no light.

It mesmerized me, and so, compelled by imagination and something more, something inexplicable, I started to walk towards that tree.
I walked, in a trance, across the expanse; Time and distance slipped my mind, as did tiredness. Only the tree entered my focus.

But finally, I reached my destination. Standing there beneath the majestic tree, I felt small and insignificant. The leaves danced with the wind, now so close, and appeared to flicker, varying in size from moment to moment.

And, in watching the leaves, my trance was broken; Finally, I realized what I had done, how far I had walked, and how strange my behavior was. Not once had I questioned the reality and nature of this place.

But ignoring all my doubts and fears -my anxiety-I closed my eyes to focus on the sounds. But the sounds were not there, not the rain nor thunder, not even my breathing. I tried to speak, to scream, but no sound left my mouth.

Slightly disturbed by the silence, I closed my eyes and commanded myself to wake up. But the dream would not let me go, and I felt its hands grasp me tightly.

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Tighter and tighter the dream held me, and the silence rumored that I would never leave this place. But my hand dished an answer, pain. Only pain would free me from this grip.

With hope, I pinched my arm with all the strength I could summon. Pain assaulted my senses, and yet, I remained there. The silence again whispered of eternal damnation.

Again I tried, but in the silence, I remained. Desperate and unnerved by the quietude, I found my last hope, a key to leaving this place; More pain.

Determined to leave, I grabbed hold of my fingers; one by one, I would break them till this place I did depart.
The first was broken, and my mouth opened in a scream, though no sound left it.

Hurt, I closed my jaws with strength enough to break my teeth into fine sand-like fragments. My mouth felt as if filled with sand, and my jaws hurt as much as my broken finger, but still, it was time to continue, to leave.

The second, and the third, were broken; again, I remained. The pain debilitated me, and I believed, for a second, that I was forever stuck there. And what happened next only served to push me further into believing it. Before my eyes, my injuries healed; My broken fingers, and my damaged teeth, were restored.

At that moment, I knew pain could never free me from that dream.

Unsettled by the discovery, I slipped into a fever, consumed by doubts and questions.

Was I dead? How had I died? Was this Heaven? Hell? Purgatory? Was I forever more doomed to roam this quiet place?

Terror seized me, and my heart pulsated quickly, that, I know, even without sound, for the sensation tormented me. Like hands trying to pry open my ribcage from the inside, my heart sought to be free.

So fast my heart did beat that every bone in my body quivered. And I choked on that sensation, gasping for air, but the air ran from me. I felt the wind with its silent laughter mocking me.

The unheard laughter outraged me. How dare it. How dare the winds mock me. In my anger, I reached my hands; in an attempt to grab hold of that invisible jester, in hopes of choking him as he choked me. But the silent laughter grew louder in my mind.

With my head fuzzy, I too smiled; I felt so light that, for a moment, I feared my body would float and leave my mind behind. But the silent laughter grew louder, and I laughed with it. All my worries were gone, and my awareness grew faint. The world faded from view, the silence diminished, and the laughter increased.

In the darkness, only laughter resounded. And I questioned myself:

"Is it me or the winds laughing?"

The question shattered the darkness, the laughter vanished, and I woke again in my room, unchanged.

Now, sitting here, I contemplate that strange dream. How beautiful it was, it took my breath away, and I didn't even notice the beauty. Not until I came out did I realize the beauty of that tree, of that scene.

How wonderful, indeed, meditation is. To be able to witness such scenery, to experience it. Perhaps have I found the antidote I so anxiously seek? But still, numerous questions remain unanswered.

If I am to meditate again, shall I see that place once more? Shall I meet the mocking wind?

Those questions I shall answer another time. For now, I must rest.