Chapter 214: S12: Oh Captains, My Captains

Voices are heard conversing over the radio.

Smith: (voice over) Red team, this is Blue team. We are in position, how copy? Over.

Simmons' Lieutenant: (voice over) Blue team, this is Red team. I copy, Blue in position. Over.

"Crimson team, this is Red team. What's your status? Over." Smiths asks.

"I... uh.... um.... I think we're in a position... of sorts? Over?" Axel, who is Ash's Lieutenant, responds over the radio.

Smith: (voice over) Gold team, this is Blue team. All units are in position and awaiting further instructions, what is your status? Over.

Gold team doesn't answer.

Smith: (voice over) Gold team 2-3, this is Blue team 1-2. Radio check, over.

Bitters: (voice over) Uh yeah, we're here Blue team.

Smith: (voice over) Gold team, I repeat, what is your status? Over.

Bitters: (voice over) Uhhh...We're pretty good?

Smith: (voice over) What?

Bitters: (voice over) Actually, uh, we were wondering if we could maybe change our name to, uh, Orange team.

Smith: (voice over) What difference does it make?!

Cut to Grif on the radio.

"You tell them it makes a big difference, Bitters!" Grif yells into his radio. "Because I am orange! I am not gold! I am not yellow! I am fucking orange!"

"Grif!" Simmons yells.

Ash is standing next to Simmons, holding his Plasma Repeater.
(Don't forget Ash's armor is Crimson with white trim.)

"Get off the radio!" Simmons says. "The teams are fine!"

"The teams suck." Grif says.

"No, they're great!" Ash says.

"You're gonna blow our cover." Simmons says to Grif.

"Uhhh. Alright we'll be Gold." Grif says into his radio.

Grif flips Simmons off and speaks on radio.

"Go tell the Blue team to suck a dick and then get in position." Grif says into the radio.

Bitters:(Radio) Whatever you say, Captain.

PLANET CHORUS. FORMER MINING FACILITY.

Grif walks up to where Simmons, Ash, and Caboose are.

"We're infiltrating an enemy base, and you're bitching about colors." Simmons says to Grif.

"It's a misleading title!" Grif says. "People could get confused! I'm more surprised Ash got his team color correct."

"What do you mean?" Ash asks. "Crimson is a few commonly used color."

"No it's not!"

"You're just jealous."

"Oh, just shut up you two." Simmons says.

Simmons faces the security door behind him and crouches.

"No, he's right, I'm confused." Caboose says.

"Caboose, you're always confused." Simmons says.

"Well, that sounds confusing."

Simmons uses some sort of hacking tool to hack the passcode lock. And he stands up.

"Hoo, okay." Simmons says. "Doors opening in approximately fifteen seconds."

"Yeah, yeah." Grif says.

"Oh man, what if this doesn't work?" Simmons asks.

"Probably won't."

"What if it's a trap?"

"Probably is."

"Ohh, what would Sarge say at a time like this?" Simmons asks.

"'Shit it, Simmons!'" Grif says.

"'Poison Grif's next meal!'" Ash says.

"Probably, yeah..." Simmons agrees.

Passcode beeps in: PASSWORD12

Simmons: Here we go.

The door opens. Caboose sprints inside yelling and unloads a full assault rifle clip into the wall. Cut to reveal that Caboose has written "CABOSE" in bullet holes on the wall.

Caboose: Did we win?

Simmons, Grif and Ash enter the room.

Simmons sighs. "No... Apparently we've unlocked one of several security doors." Simmons walks further in.

"Oh, so I talk on the radio and it's jeopardizing the mission, but that happens and everything's fine?!" Grif complains. 

"Shush, Grif!" Caboose says. "They might hear you!"

"And stop complaining." Ash says to Grif.

Second door beeps open.

Simmons: (voice over) Door opening.

Caboose once again rushes forward, yelling and firing.

Grif: (sighs)

Bitters: (over radio) Captain Grif, we have visual on the main compound, over.

Grif: Whats it look like?

Cut to Bitters and two other gold team members on a cliff looking down onto the enemy base.

Bitters: Well on a scale from 1 to 10... I'd say we're pretty fucked.

Over with Axel, who has Crimson trims on his armor, and two other Crimson team members, hiding behind a big rock.

"Wow, those are some big guns." Axel says. "Like, really, really big. Like I bet it would hurt to get shot by it."

Cut to Caboose's Lieutenant and another blue team member behind some crates.

Smith: Stow that kind of talk Bitters. Our C.O.'s put a lot of effort into this plan, so why don't you show a little faith?

Cut to Simmons, Ash, and Grif sneaking down a hallway.

Smith: Right Captain Caboose?

Camera follows Grif, Ash, and Simmons down a hall to where Caboose is standing

Caboose: Yes.

Simmons: Alright we're almost there. Is everyone ready?

All of the Lieutenants: Ready.

Caboose randomly appears standing in the same position as before.

Caboose: Ready.

Simmons' Lieutenant: (voice over) Captain Simmons, Jensen has something to say to you.

Simmons: Uh.. Yes Jensen.

Cut to Jensen and another red team member hiding behind a wall looking at a Warthog with two enemy soldiers near it.

Jensen: I just wanted to say that no matter what happens, it's been an honor working with you sir.

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Simmons: (awkwardly) Uh.. thank... you lieutenant. That is.. yes. Uh (clears throat) Affirmative.... Over.

Cut back to Grif, Ash, and Caboose.

"What the fuck was that?" Grif asks Simmons.

"What?" Simmons asks.

"Did you just stroke out for a second? You sounded like Caboose."

"Um, if he's me, can I be him?" Caboose asks.

"Shut up." Grif tells Caboose.

"Look at me! I'm smart! I like slide rulers and protractors! Oh, I can't wait to go do some protracting!"

"That's pretty accurate." Ash says.

"So I still have problems talking to girls." Simmons says. "Big deal!"

"Yeah, it is!" Grif says. "Especially when your squad consists entirely of girls! Now man up!"

"Ohh no, this is like junior high all over again!" 

"What?" Grif is confused.

"Why do I have to play in the woman's league?" Simmons questions. "I want to be a mathelete dad, a mathelete!"

"Yeah, okay, I don't wanna be Simmons anymore." Caboose says.

"Wow, your high school years must've sucked." Ash says to Simmons.

"Oh, shut up you." Simmons says to Ash. "You didn't even go to high school."

"God dammit, do I have to do everything around here?!" Grif asks. (over radio) Everybody get ready. We're going on my mark. 3. 2. 1.

Grif, Simmons, Ash, and Caboose run around the corner and stop. Cut to reveal five Federal Army of Chorus soldiers.

Grif: ...Every man for himself! AAHHHHH!

Grif, Simmons, Ash, and Caboose flee in different directions, shooting randomly.

Grif: Shield me with your bodies! It's important that I live!

"RUN!" Ash yells.

Cut to Bitters and gold team on the cliff.

Bitters: Wait what? Whats going on?

Other Gold team member: Suppressing fire! (starts shooting at a soldier operating a turret)

The soldier on the turret turns and begins to fire on Gold team, who start to back up and fall backwards off the cliff.

New Republic Soldiers: Reinforcements on our way!

Gold team fall down and land on top of the reinforcements.

Bitters: Grif...

Over with Axel and the rest of the Crimson team.

"Is that the signal?" Axel asks.

"Ahhh! Start shooting!" A member of Crimson team yells and everyone starts to shoot in random directions. 

"I got this!" Axel holds up a sniper rifle and he fires at a soldier.

The gun flies out of Axel's hand and hits a member of Crimson team in the head and she falls to the ground.

"Medic!" The female member yells.

Also Axel missed the soldier by a mile.

Cut to Caboose running across the battlefield yelling and shooting

Smith: Captain Caboose NOOOO! (runs after Caboose)

Cut to a warthog driven by Jensen and another red team member.

Jensen: Don't worry, we're coming!

Warthog drives out and runs over Smith.

Jensen: Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Why are there so many pedals on this thing?!

Cut to the middle of battlefield where Simmons, Ash, and Grif are running around yelling indistinctly. 

Suddenly an alarm buzzes and everyone stops. Kimball walks out.

Kimball: What the hell was that?!

Cut back to Grif, Ash, and Simmons. Caboose runs up yelling behind them and soon stops.

Caboose: Oh we stopped.

Ash shoots Grif. 

"OW!" Grif yells. "What the Fuck, Ash!"

"I didn't do it." Ash says.

Kimball: What is the point of these training exercises if you people aren't going to work together?

Xi, Human sized, appears next Kimball.

"But we did!" Simmons says. "We had team names and everything!"

"Grif was Gold!" Caboose says.

"ORANGE!" Grif yells.

Xi sighs and shakes her head.

"You HAD a plan." Kimball starts. "You WERE organized. but once again you crumbled under pressure."

"Ash you're supposed to be a baddass soldier." Xi says. "What was that out there!"

Ash stares at the A.I. "I plead insanity." 

"Oh, my Alpha." Xi whispers to herself.

"Lieutenants, debrief with your CO's." Kimball orders. "Everyone else round up all training weapons and uniforms. That's enough capture the flag for today." She turns to Xi. "Thank you for setting this up, Xi. You may go back now."

Xi nods and walks over to Ash and disappears.

Ash releases a relieved breath. "Now I feel better."

"Woah, and what the hell are we supposed to say?" Grif asks. "'Hey guys, sorry you still suck. Turns out we suck too! At least we have something in common.' "

"Tell them what they need to hear." Kimball says. "Tell them that they can do this and that next time they will be better."

"So you want us to lie to them?" Simmons asks.

"No. I don't." Kimball walks off.

Jensen: You... wanted to talk to us, sirs?

Grif: (sighs) I hope Tucker has it better than this.

F.A.C. OUTPOST 22

Cut to a sniper rifle scope aiming at a Federal Army of Chorus soldier operating a turret.

Tucker: (voice over) Hey Felix.

Cut to show Tucker, Felix, Palomo, and two other soldiers in a tunnel.

Tucker: You think I could have a turn with that sniper rifle?

Felix: Absolutely not.

Tucker: Unhh.

Palomo: Uh.. sometimes I.. like to take my hands and cup them around my eyes. Like little hand binoculars.

Fade to black.

Tucker: Shut the fuck up Palomo.

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07-21-2022

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