Chapter 221: Thin Ice

Fade in to a row of cones lined up on a concrete barrier. A shot fires and misses a cone. Cut to Palomo and Bitters

Palomo: Missed.

Bitters fires again

Palomo: Missed.

Bitters fires again

Palomo: Missed.

Bitters: Palomo? I know when I miss...!

Bitters fires again.

Palomo: Are you missing on purpose?

Bitters: Oh alright, that's it!

Bitters turns and begins to beat up Palomo. Cut to Jensen and Axel; punching and shouting can be heard in the background.

Palomo: (off screen) Ow! Ow! Ow! It was a legitimate question!

Bitters: Am I missing now?!

Jensen: (sighs)

"Aim for the jugular!" Axel shouts.

Smith approaches Jensen and Axel.

Smith: Well, I spoke with Kimball. Search and rescue has been denied.

Bitters: Yeah well good riddance. They never cared about us anyway.

Jensen: How could you say that? They left because they didn't want us getting hurt.

"Yeah, they're our friends!" Axel says.

Bitters: Yeah, well what do you call this? They didn't take us to get shot, but they sure as hell left us to die!

Jensen: (voice breaks) ...We don't know that, they could come back.

Smith: Their message didn't exactly specify.

Palomo: They'll come back. I know they'll come back.

"Yeah, my mom says friends don't leave friends behind." Axel says/

Palomo raises his rifle. A shot is fired and hits a cone.

Bitters: Nice shot.

Palomo: Wasn't me

Cut to Felix behind them, revealed to be the one who shot the cone.

Felix: You shouldn't be so hard on the guys. They did what they thought was best. Can't fault them for that. Still, I'm gonna beat the living shit out of those four when I find them.

Smith: When you find them?

Felix: Tell Kimball I'm buying back one of the warthogs I sold her.

Felix leaves.

Jensen: But Felix, she said we weren't allowed to go after them! It was a direct order!

Felix: Well orders only work on soldiers! I am a mercenary.

Cut to a Federal Army outpost base, located in an icy area. Simmons, Ash, Grif, Tucker, and Caboose are seen standing behind a wall at the compound.

F.A.C. OUTPOST 37

"This is it." Simmons says. "According to our data, the federal army base is just on the other side of this wall.

"About time!" Tucker says. "My ass was asleep for so long I though it slipped into a coma!"

"So we're here... now what?" Grif asks.

"We bust our way in! Anyone have any ideas?"

"We could try scaling the wall." Simmons suggests.

"Ehh, that's a little too obvious, think DUMBER." 

"We could blow up the wall." Ash suggest.

"NOT dumb enough." Tucker says

"We could knock on the door." Grif suggests.

"TOO dumb."

"I was joking."

"We can knock on their door." Caboose suggests.

"I just said that!" Grif exclaims.

"Yeeeeah, but you were joking... I felt the plan deserved more serious consideration."

Tucker turns to the wall. "Hmmm... how do you break into an evil ice fortress?"

"You melt it!" Caboose says. "Like evil ice cream!"

"Holy. Shit." He turns around and looks at the group. "We MELT our way in!"

"Wha- Wai- Rea- YES! I WIN!"

"WHAT?" Grif is confused.

"We can't go through the wall, and going over is what most people would do so lets just go UNDER it." Tucker explains. 

"That's retarded."

"EXACTLY! Damn... I never thought I'd say this, I mean, EVER, seriously, but... good job Caboose!"

"I'd never thought I'd hear it." Ash says.

"Yeah well I'm just really glad someone appreciates my genius..." Caboose says. "Now lets start MELTING!"

Caboose crouches down and starts breathing on the snow.

"Caboose, you're wearing a helmet." Tucker says. "That is not doing anything."

Caboose stands up. "Okay well fine, then how you explain my sudden light-headed.... nesss...."

"What about Friction? All the ladies tell me I light a fire between their legs."

"Dude, that's chlamydia." Ash says. "That's a really bad thing."

"Friction won't work." Simmons says. "It's gotta be negative forty degrees Celsius out here."

"That is cold." Ash says.

Grif, Tucker and Caboose stare at Simmons in confusion. 

"That's negative forty degrees Fahrenheit." Simmons clarifies. 

"Jesus, that's cold!" Tucker exclaims.

"That's freezing!" Grif exclaims.

"You people are idiots." Simmons says.

"Well say it in American next time." Grif says.

"Oh! I got it!" Tucker says as he takes his energy sword out and he stabs it into the ground. "STAB!"

"Is it working?" Simmons asks. 

The sword's heat begins to melt away the ice and suddenly the group falling into a tunnel.

"Ahh, it worked!" Simmons states.

"Where are we?" Grif asks.

"Digging under really did work." Ash says.

Snowman Fed: (off screen) Hey! What was that noise?

Tucker: Oh shit, we're inside!

Caboose: I think bad guys are coming!

Simmons: (panicking) What do we do? What do we do?!

Tucker: I don't know! I didn't think this far ahead!

Simmons: Damn it! This is why winging it is a bad idea! No more winging it!

"But we always wing it!" Ash says.

Fed: (off screen) I swear, I heard something just around the corner.

Grif: Let's get out of here!

Tucker: There could be more guards! We'll be caught!

Simmons: Well we've gotta do something!

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"Let's blow him up." Ash suggests.

The Fed begins to make his way towards the Reds and Blues.

Fed: Just a few more feet and I'll be there.

Caboose: Tucker!

The Fed emerges from the corner to see five snowmen in the tunnel.

Fed: What the-? Huh.... Well would you look at that, just a couple of harmless snowmen. You guys wouldn't happen to be the ones making all that racket now, would you? Heh heh.... (raises rifle) Well, time for some target practice.

Tucker stabs the soldier with his sword through the snowman.

Fed: But... why snowman...?

Cut to the Fed soldier, buried dead under a pile of snow. Cut to Tucker, Caboose, Ash, and Grif whilst Simmons is dusting snow off himself in the background.

"I cannot believe that worked." Tucker says.

"Uh, you're welcome." Grif says.

Grif: I used the same trick to hide from Sarge all the time back in Blood Gulch.

Tucker: You constructed, and then hid inside of... a snowman. In the middle of a hot canyon.

Flashback to Blood Gulch where Grif is crouching behind a rock with melted snow. Simmons is standing next to him.

Simmons: Hey Sarge! I found him!

Cut back to the present.

Grif: It wasn't always a perfect plan.

"It was kinda weird how he found snow." Ash says.

Simmons walks over. "According to our intel there's not much standing between the end of this tunnel and the detention facility."

"That is awesome." Tucker says.

"No, I mean, there's literally NOTHING between us."

"We'll be spotted as soon as we leave the tunnel." Simmons states.

"I don't know, doesn't look like anyone's around to me." Tucker says.

A siren blares off from the speakers around the outpost.

Soldier on PA: Alright, lunch break's over. Back to your stations, people.

Feds start piling out of the base and moving to their posts.

Soldier on a warthog: Come on maggots, get the lead out! Move! Move! Move!

Soldiers continue to move out of the outpost and set up stations around the base.

Soldier in a tank: Woo! Brand new tank, coming in! This will kill any intruders for sure!

Cut back to the Reds and Blues.

Ash is standing between Caboose and Grif.

"I hate my stupid mouth." Tucker says.

"I hate it more." Grif says.

"I hate everyone." Ash says.

"How are we gonna sneak past that?" Simmons asks.

"We're not." Tucker says. 

"Glad to hear you're finally making sense, Tucker." Grif says. "Let's go home. Good effort everybody! We came, we saw, we realized it was impossible. No shame in that."

Cut back to the group in the tunnel.

Grif: Can't help but realize we haven't left yet.

Tucker: We can't sneak past those guys, so instead, we're gonna make as much noise as possible. If we can cause enough trouble somewhere else, we can draw them away from the prison. What do you guys think?

Simmons: Well, it fits with the dumb ideas thing.

Tucker: I think here if we fuck up these important looking pipes and then haul ass, we can make it into the building.

Grif: Ugh, we have to run?

"I like running." Ash says. "Great for the heart."

Tucker: We have to try. Worst-case scenario, we end up in jail with everyone else and just wait for this whole civil war thing to blow over.

Simmons: I think worst-case scenario is getting shot. Or Grif getting shot and we have to carry him. There's only three of us.

Tucker: (pauses for consideration) Fuck it. Caboose, do your thing.

Caboose: Time to CLEAN THE PIPES!

Cut to two soldiers standing atop the base, as an alarm goes off.

Alarm: Alert. Catastrophic breach detected in sewage pipeline. Sector 3.

Fed Soldier: Sucks to be maintenance.

Alarm: Warning. Sewage breach detected in the barracks.

Fed Soldier: Oh shit! My stuff! Noooo!

Soldiers suddenly begin to run off to the barracks to protect their belongings.

Tucker: Now's our chance, run!

"I hope this works!" Ash says.

Simmons: Here goes nothing!

Caboose: Let's race!

Grif: Urghhh.

Fed Soldier: Come on guys, gotta save our shit! From the shit!

Soldiers continue to run off to the barracks, yelling indistinctly while doing so, whilst Tucker, Ash, Simmons, Grif and Caboose run across to the detention facility.

Fed Soldier: Last night was taco night!

Cut to the Reds and Blues entering the detention facility.

Caboose: Yeah, first place!

Grif: (panting heavily) Oh my god... I'm gonna die. I hope I die.

The five make their way to a concealed door.

Tucker: Simmons, do something about this door!

Simmons: What do you mean?

Tucker: It's locked. Hack the door controls or something!

Simmons: What makes you think I can just hack a door?

Tucker: You're the smart one! All your good for is hacking things and making me look more handsome in comparison!

Simmons: (panicking) I don't have any intel! I don't have any tools! I-I-I can't just do it, I need time!

Grif: We don't have time, genius. Just pretend like it's a timed maths test or something!

Simmons: I don't work well under pressure! You know that!

"Let's blow it up!" Ash suggests.

The door suddenly opens and the group raise their guns in response, towards the unknown enemy beyond the door.

Tucker: Oh shit...

Camera pans across to reveal Tucker aiming his gun at Washington, who also has his gun raised. The camera then reveals Washington, Sarge, Donut, and Lopez in the doorway. Everyone lowers their weapons.

Washington: Tucker?

Tucker: Wash?

Sarge: What in sam hell are you boys doing here?

Simmons: We came to save you!

Donut: But, we were supposed to save you?

The camera slowly pans away from the Blood Gulch group, who continue to stand motionless in the doorway.

Caboose: Bum bum buuummmm... Cliffhanger!

"I hate those!" Ash says.

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07-22-2022

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