Chapter 226: Catch Up, No Mustard

The Reds and Blues surround Grif, who is aiming his Suppressor at them.

"Grif, we just want to look at it." Carolina says.

"That's what the UNSC guy said about the Grif shot, and I never saw it again!" Grif states.

"The what?" Carolina is confused. 

"Meta's weapon." Simmons explains.. "Grif kept it as a trophy until the UNSC confiscated it."

"Until then, I thought I was the only one man enough around here to cry." Donut states. "But Grif proved me wrong!"

Tucker laughs at Grif.

"It had sentimental value!" Grif states.

"What, like it almost killing us multiple times?" Ash says.

"Damn it, Grif!" Sarge yells. "Hand over that laser this instant!"

"You can't tell me what to do!" Grif exclaims. "I outrank you, again!"

"What the- but..." Sarge loads his shotgun. "Well, let's see you outrank the end of my shotgun!" He aims his shotgun at Grif.

"Uh, done." Grif aims the Suppressor at Sarge. "Fucking space laser, bitch."

Epsilon appears. "Yeah, this is taking forever." 

Epsilon switches to his 'ghost' form and possesses Grif

Grif: Hey! Hey wait a minute—Hurk-egh!

Epsilon: (possessing Grif) Hoo! Ugh... Okay, alright here you go. (drops Suppressor)

Carolina: Thanks. (picks up Suppressor) Ugh... Why is this so greasy?

Epsilon: You think that's bad? Imagine how I feel right now. Being inside this body is like trying to breathe through a trash can.

Epsilon exits Grif's body

Grif: He-gurk-gah... God damn it! I hate that!

"FASCINATING!" Dr. Gray says with excitement. "An A.I. with the ability to jump from soldier to soldier? Tell me, does he travel via your neural implants, or is it something more subtle?"

"Implants; All Freelancer personnel have them." Carolina states.

Xi appears on Ash's shoulder.

"Not Ash, his got taken out." The A.I. states. "My home is in that Helmet of his."

Dr. Grey appears next to Ash and Xi. "Can you move from soldier to soldier?"

Xi back up a bit. "No, I can't, I'm not strong enough too. I just deal with weapons and combat stuff."

"I thought only the Alpha can do that." Tucker says.

Church appears next to Tucker. "Yeah. Just another trick I picked up from one of my..." He starts flickering.  "...old memory... buddies. God, it gives me a headache though..."

"Come on." Carolina starts. "Let's dismantle this thing and see what we can learn. Come on, Ash."

"Hey- look- but-" Grif starts.

"When we're done, you can have it back in one piece.... probably."

Carolina and Ash start to walk away.

"Ooh! Ooh!" Simmons is excited. "You mind if I tag along?"

"Yeah!" Sarge speaks up. "Advanced weaponry is my fifth favorite hobby! Right behind destroying my enemies, but just ahead of karaoke."

"No!" Carolina says. "Thanks. Uh... I think Ash, the A.I.s and I have it handled.  Why don't you catch up for a while? You've all been through a lot."

Carolina and Ash walk away. Xi appears next to Church.

"Me and you have a bit of talking to do." Xi says to Epsilon.

"Crap." Epsilon says.

The two A.I.'s disappear. 

Donut: Sooo... How have you guys been?

Grif: Shut up.

Donut: Same old, same old, huh? That's cool.

Emily: Well... I don't want to intrude on such a sweet moment of reconnection...

Washington: Fine with me.

Emily: I was being polite, I'm actually far more interested in foreign technology and your insane friend. Bye! (runs off)

Caboose: Okay bye! ...She seems nice.

Donut: Right?

Simmons: I think she has a few screws loose...

Tucker: Oh-ho I could always help her out with that. Bow-chicka-bow-

Caboose: WAIT!

Tucker: Aw c'mon dude, it's been ages!

Caboose: Washington! I-I almost forgot! Uh-uh-uh... Where's Freckles? Uh, he probably had some screws loose also.

Sarge: Ohhh... Y'know what? I think I'm just gonna go take a peek at that laser thing after all. I'm just dying to see it... (Simmons and Lopez look at him) Uh... I mean it's killin' me not to- Uh... Oh... (pauses to think) Nope. Got nothin'.

Sarge runs off.

Simmons: Yeeaahh...

Simmons and Grif run off.

Lopez: Suave. [Smooth.]

Lopez runs off. Washington looks at Tucker. The latter walks off.

Caboose: Yeah, this is great. Church is back, you're back, it's like all of us made it back safe and sound in one piece! No problem.

Washington: Ehh, Caboose...

Caboose: Alive!

Washington: Caboose, uh... I'm not really sure how to tell you this... without both confusing you and breaking your disturbingly fragile heart.

Caboose: I AM AN EMOTIONAL TIME BOMB!

Washington: Jesus Christ... (clears throat) Caboose, I'm afraid this... is all that's left of Freckles. (shows Caboose Freckles' storage unit) It's his brain... sort of.

Caboose: (stares at the storage chip) Freckles? You're- you're- (joyfully) you're so tiny now!

Caboose grabs Freckles' storage unit out of Wash's hand and joyfully points it to the sky.

Washington: (confused) Uh, what?

Caboose: (fondles the storage unit) It's so good to see you again! (pets the storage unit) Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy, Freckles?

Washington: So you're... okay then?

Caboose: Ah, Wash this is great! Now he can fit in my pocket and I don't have to worry about him trying to kill anyone anymore.

Washington: I guess that is sort of better.

Caboose: Thanks for looking out for Freckles, Wash. I know he can be a handful.

Washington: Literally, at this point.

Caboose: Alright, let's go for a walk Freckles, (quietly) 'cause Wash is acting weird and dramatic again. (runs off) Good to have ya' back, Agent Washington!

Washington: Hmm. It's good to be back.

Grif: (off screen) Back off lady, or I will put you in the ground! You too Ash!

Washington: Aaand, the moment's passed.

Cut to Grif aiming his Suppressor at Carolina and Ash. Emily and the Reds and Blues watch nearby.

"You two were about to take it apart!" Grif yells in anger.

"What did you think 'dismantle' meant?" Carolina asks.

"Did you forget he's retarded?" Ash asks.

Wash walks over to the group.

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"How did he manage to get the laser back?" Wash asks.

"He's deceptively heavy." Simmons says.

Lopez: Pues, el ya parece gordo. O sea es mucho decir.[Well, he already looks fat. So that's saying something.]

Carolina: Grif, for the last time, put the laser-

Grif fires the laser at Carolina and Ash and they both duck down.

Grif lowers the Suppressor. "Uh, okay. Look, that was an accident."

"I'm going to break your fingers now." Carolina says.

"Do it slowly." Ash says.

"Will do."

Grif backs away in fear.

"Excuse me." Dr. Grey says and everyone turns to her. "Where did you find that rifle?"

"Hey I picked it up after Carolina dropped it at the snow base." Grif states. He turns to Carolina. "Are you even familiar with the 'international dibs protocol?'"

"The Pirates have been manufacturing these along with the armor enhancements, they've got facilities scattered around the planet."  Carolina explains to Dr. Grey.

"So you're sure it's man made?" Dr. Grey asks.

Emily approaches Grif. Epsilon and Xi appear beside Carolina and Ash.

"Yeah, We're positive. Why?" Epsilon asks.

"Well for starters it isn't using human technology." Dr. Grey explains.

Dr. Grey continues. "It just fired some kind of modified plasma energy very deadly... and pretty!"

"Plasma?" Sarge asks.

"Alien energy source." Dr. Grey explains. "I've seen if countless times in archaeological digs."

"Wait I thought you were a surgeon!" Simmons says.

"I have an IQ of 240. A prodigy can only cut people open so many times before she needs to find a hobby."

Grif turns to Ash. "Looks like we found someone smarter than you."

"Shut it." Ash says.

Epsilon appears next to Dr. Grey. "Jesus! Did you try cross stitching?"

"I sewed them back up thank you very much."

"Hey didn't Felix say that he was paid in alien tech?" Tucker asks Simmons.

"I believe he said he was paid in babies." Caboose says

"The fuck?" Epsilon says.

"Don't ask." Grif and Ash say.

"He was definitely carrying around a plasma rifle but I thought he said was broken." Simmons says.

"It's likely it was." Dr Gray states. "The Federal Army arranged a similar deal with Locus. They figured trading useless antiques for military assistance was good deal."

"So the Mercs stock up on alien technology and hand it over to the Pirates for reverse engineering." Carolina says as the three Freelancers look at each other.

"Giving them a new kind of weapon half human, half alien." Wash says.

"That are all very powerful and much better than both of the army's weapons." Ash says.

"It would also be nearly impossible for the armies to replicate." Xi says.

"And every single one of them pointed at us." Epsilon says. "Fantastic."

Dr. Grey turns to Carolina. "Do you have anything else like this?"

"What about the future cubes?" Grif asks.

"The what?" Carolina asks.

"Future Cubes!" Donut says. "The cubes of the future!"

"They look kinda like the laser gun. Right?" Grif asks.

"That's your deductive reasoning?" Simmons asks. "They're related because there both orange and glowing!?"

"So?"

"So! If I heated your armor to a thousand degrees would you think you're related too?"

"I think he's right, Simmons." Ash says.

"What?!" Simmons says.

"See!" Grif yells. "Ash sees the resemblance! Why can't any of you?"

"Oh of course!" Sarge starts. "Just like the uncanny resemblance between apples and fire trucks! Or Caboose and the Pacific Ocean! Or Lopez and a Dingle Berry!"

"Okay, I get it!" 

"Hey! Grif let me ask you a question!" Church says. "You ever get your sister confused with mustard? You know since they're both yellow and cheap?" Grif shoots Church. "Yeah nice try! Still a hologram by the way!"

"Epsilon he's right." Carolina says.

"Yeah, I know. I just wanted in on the action!"

Carolina: Both types of equipment seem to utilize some form of alien engineering. (to Grif) But... how did you know how the teleporters look like?

Grif: 'Cause we had them in the canyon, duh.

Epsilon: Wait, you did?

Donut: Yeah! They were awesome!

Sarge: We found them while we were sneaking aboard the ship one night in an attempt to destroy the Blues.

Wash, Tucker, and Caboose turn to Sarge. He notices.

Sarge: I mean, the Blues' robot. May he rest in peace.

Grif: (to Carolina and Epsilon) Which reminds me, how did you guys teleport with those things? We could only figure out how to transport random junk.

Lopez: Y Doc. Usted accidentalmente teletransportó a Doc. [And Doc. You accidentally teleported Doc.]

Donut: Oh my gosh, that's right! We did use them to defeat Dos.0!

Lopez: Oh, por el amor de Dios...[Oh, for fuck's sake...]

Epsilon: Okay! Everybody, shut up! Listen, if the same people making weapons on Chorus had cargo on our ship, then we might be able to find out who they are.

Simmons: How?

Carolina: A manifest?

Epsilon: Yyyyep.

Washington: That's right. A transport ship that size would need to keep track of all its cargo.

Carolina: So if we find the manifest, we find out who supplied the teleportation grenades.

Tucker: (skeptical) So you think a bunch of evil bad guys, working outside of the law, are gonna worry about paperwork?

Epsilon: Wha- you got any better ideas?

Tucker: (sighs) No...

Carolina: Then we have our objective: Half of us will travel back to the canyon and search Crash Site Bravo for the manifest.

Simmons: Why split up?

Carolina: Because the rest of us will be searching the other half of the ship... at Crash Site Alpha.

"ROAD TRIP!" Ash yells.

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07-23-2022

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