Chapter 245: The Thin Fed Line

Fade in, outside the Armonia Hospital, at which five medical officers comprising of the New Republic and the Federal Army, seem to be talking to one another as the Intercom comes over.

Intercom: Paging Doctor Wooten. Doctor Wooten? ...Doctor Wooten?

Cut to Dr. Grey and Donut inside the hospital, whereas Donut is talking to Doc about their experiences since Doc has been missing.

ARMONIA HOSPITAL

Donut: And then it turned out Felix was evil, so we exposed the truth, stopped the civil war, and now we're fighting to send a distress call to Earth!

Cut to Doc facing them.

Doc: And at no point, during any of this, did you realize I was missing?

Donut and Dr. Grey glance at each other then look back to Doc.

Donut: ...Apparently not!

Doc: (in O'Malley's voice) ARGH, I will destroy you all for your insufferable ignorance!

Dr. Grey: Ooh! This is certainly the most vocal split personality I've ever seen. But I suppose an eternity in isolation will do that for you. (turns back to Doc) Tell me, Mr. O'Malley, when you say you wish to "destroy us all", what exactly do you think you mean by that?

Doc: (in O'Malley's voice) I mean you will cease to exist! You will all die by my hand! Hahahaha! Really, it's quite self-explanatory.

Dr. Grey: Well, I think there is some serious issues here we're just starting to get a hold of! Nothing a little electro-shock therapy couldn't fix...

Doc: (in O'Malley's voice) HA—I beg your pardon?

Dr. Grey walks up to Doc with her medical scanner glowing.

Dr. Grey: (seductively) After you, handsome.

Doc: (normal voice) Wa-wait! Can't we talk about this?

Donut: We're gonna fix you right up, Doc! Where should I stick the thermometer?

Doc: Uh... I think I need to get second opinion!

Dr. Grey: We got a runner!

Doc sprints away from Dr. Grey and Donut. Dr. Grey and Donut start chasing after him. Carolina is seen from the corner of the room, watching them. Epsilon appears next to Carolina.

Epsilon: Finally! Some freakin' quiet... Hey, wanna see if she left her prescription pad?

Carolina: We need to talk.

Epsilon: (disappointed) Oh. Yeah... can we at least do it when your on heavy sedatives?

Cut to the streets of Armonia, with one Federal Army soldier facing Palomo. Next to them is Tucker, Sarge, Simmons, Caboose and Grif.

Simmons: Alright, let's try this again. First, we start with a friendly handshake.

The two face each other. Palomo makes a strange spitting sound at the soldier.

Palomo: Devil man.

Federal Army Soldier: Did you just spit inside your helmet?

Palomo: Take yourself, and fuck yourself... with yourself.

Federal Army Soldier: ...What?

Palomo: Exactly!

Tucker: God damn it, Palomo.

Simmons: Well, it's a step-up from assault and battery.

Palomo: He provoked me!

Federal Army Soldier: You Rebels are all fucking nuts.

Palomo: That's impossible! Nuts don't have orifices! Go back to school!

Federal Army Soldier: What about doughnuts?

Palomo: Now you're just speaking in riddles and you know it!

Grif and Sarge glance at each other, then Sarge looks at them.

Sarge: ...I'm having a hard time following this conversation.

Tucker: Ugh, forget it. You guys can go.

Federal Army Soldier: Fine. (walks off)

Palomo: (turns to Tucker) How'd I do?

Tucker: You are a constant source of disappointment.

Palomo: Alright! (walks off)

Caboose: Hey... I thought I was a constant source of disappointment. Well, I WILL JUST HAVE TO TRY HARDER! SOMEONE GIVE ME A SCREWDRIVER!

Tucker: Ugh! Why is this happening now!? We're in the middle of a fucking war and these guys won't do anything but hate on each other!

Grif: The problem isn't with them. It's just with your approach.

Sarge: What the heck's that supposed to mean?

Grif: You can't force people into liking each other. You just gotta lie to them until they think they like each other.

Simmons: That sounds like a terrible idea.

Tucker: No, he's right. I used the same tactic on women a million times!

Grif: This is basic shit. First, we tell Doyle Kimball wants to apologize and meet him for dinner. Then, we tell Kimball that Doyle wants to apologize then invite her to the same restaurant.

Simmons: Oh, come on, there's no way that'll work! That's a plot point used in old sitcoms!

Grif: And one of those sitcoms was called "Friends", which is exactly what we want them to be! Case closed!

Sarge: Face it moron, we just ain't cut out for this kinda job. What we need is someone with a more delicate touch. Someone that can act as a neutral force. Someone that's neither red nor blue, but some sort of disgusting middle ground, like a... dark fuchsia.

At that moment, Doc runs past the five, and trailing behind is Dr. Grey and Donut, while Caboose looks in their direction.

Doc: You'll never take me alive! I ran track in high school!

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Dr. Grey: Running only makes me want you more!

Silence for a few moments, then Sarge turns to the crew.

Sarge: If only we knew someone that-

Simmons: Oh just stop.

On top of a building we see Ash and Xi, in human size.

Middle ARMONIA CITY

"Ash, we need to talk about this." Xi says.

"There is nothing to talk about." Ash says.

"There is!" Xi yells. "I'm failing!"

"No you're not, it's just a small glitch in your programming."

"I glitched out! You almost died because of me!"

"I just didn't follow your plan."

"You did." Xi says. "I panicked and gave you the wrong one before I glitched out."

"You just fell to sleep." Ash says.

"Ash, I'm old, I've been around longer than an A.I. should be. Hell, I wasn't even in a protective and maintained case like Epsilon was for a long time."

"Xi enough." Ash warns.

"No! Listen to me! I'm dying and you can't keep denying it!" Xi's form flashes a few times.

"You're not dying! I'll get you fixed right up."

"Ash, you know that's not possible. You know nothing about A.I.'s."

"I can learn!" Ash yells. "I can get you fixed up and you'll be fine!"

"Ash, why do you keep denying it?"

Ash sighs. "You're my only connection to my past, the only person who can show me my memories. The only thing that's connecting me to Cal. I can't lose you."

"Ash, you know not all good things last." Xi says.

"Why can't they! I've known nothing but suffering for so long! I don't want to lose more family! I've already lost enough! You know I hate being alone!"

Xi glitches a few times.

Ash takes a deep breath. "How long do you have?" Ash asks.

"A year, two at the most." Xi replies.

Ash sits down. "God."

Xi flashes a few times and then move over to Ash and sits down next to him. 

"Let's just enjoy the time we have left." Xi says.

"Yeah." Ash says in a quit voice.

Cut to the mercs' base, where Felix is angrily banging the useless key on a table whilst Locus and Sharkface watch from afar.

Felix: I... AM EXTREMELY... FRUSTRATED!!

Sharkface: Get a grip.

Felix: How?! How do you forget to mention something as important as that?!

Sharkface: We were in a hurry.

Felix puts away the key, then pulls out his rifle.

Felix: (darkly sarcastic) Oh, you were in a hurry? Hey, Locus, you know, I was really thinking about letting Sharkface live, but since we're "in a hurry", how about we just-fucking-kill him?!

Sharkface: I'd like to see you try.

Felix: Done. (raises his rifle at Sharkface)

Locus: No violence between partners.

Felix: (lowers rifle) He's not a partner, he's an idiot! And thanks to him, we've got a key that does NOTHING until the General is dead!

Sharkface: Then we kill the General.

Felix: The grown-ups are talking, Fishstick.

Locus: Quiet! We have the advantage and we have a plan. So quit moaning, and do your job. (turns to Sharkface) Both of you.

Sharkface: You're the boss. (Sharkface heads off, and Locus turns to Felix)

Locus: I'll sync with the Tartarus. You need to get your head together.

Felix: (scoffs then speaks under his breath) Said the raving lunatic. (walks off)

Locus approaches a screen and switches it on. The Counselor appears on it.

Counselor: Locus. The Tartarus is maintaining orbit around the planet as discussed.

Locus: Good.

Counselor: Shall I inform Carmichael that you wish to speak with him?

Locus: That won't be necessary. I'd like to ask you a few questions.

Counselor: How can I be of assistance?

Locus: I want to know more about the Meta.

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07-26-2022

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