Chapter 26: I Dream of Meanie

Red Team is gathered on top of their base.

Sarge is in front of his team. "Ladies, it has come to my attention that we are in need of a new robot type person. Who here want to volunteer?"

"Are we going on a trip?" Asks Donut. "I love trips! Can we play I spy? And license plate games?"

Grif turns to Donut. "Shut up, Donut!"

Donut looks to Sarge. "Please."

"Does it involve building a new weapon." Ash asks.

"Uh, sir-" Simmons starts

Donut keeps talking. "Or punch Buggy?"

Grif is getting annoyed. "Why won't this guy shut up?"

Donut keeps going. "Or-or the alphabet with the signs game?"

Ash speaks up. "Oh-oh or the yellow car game!"

Grif turns to Ash. "Don't help him!"

"What exactly do you mean by volunteer?" Simmons asks Sarge.

"Quite obviously we are without a robot or any other type of recruit with mechanical training or dexterity." Sarge tells the group. "Therefore, the only solution is to turn one of you into a robot and/or freaky cyborg thing."

"Wait what?!" Grif shouts in shock.

"Have you gone crazy?" Simmons asks Sarge.

"That is the stupidest idea I ever heard!" Grif yells again.

"What the hell?" Simmons yells.

Donut speaks up. "Cool! I vote for Simmons!"

"Can I put a bomb in the cyborg?" Ash asks. "Or give it a rail gun for an arm?"

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Sarge ignoring everyone continues.  "I'm told that the cyborg operation is relatively simple procedure, really. Where the mostly useless guts and slimy goo of the human body are replaced with the no doubt superior guts and oily goo of a robot."

"I'm confused." Grif says with confusion.

Sarge ignores him. "If you're lucky, you maybe even get a copper rectum."

"Then you could say 'bite my shiny metal ass!'" Ash laughs.
(Someone please get this reference.) 

"Sir, wouldn't it be better if we didn't do that, instead of doing it?" Simmons asks.

Sarge turns to Simmons. "Good thinking, Simmons. But no, I like the removing the guts thing, so I think we stick with that."

Grif speaks up. "Yeah, sir, I hate to agree with the kissass, but wouldn't it be better if we just got Command to send us another perfectly good, brand new robot instead?" 

Sarge turns to Simmons. "Negative, meatsack. Another new robot could be reprogrammed by our enemies just as easily as Lopez. We need someone we know we can trust."

Everyone looks to Simmons. 

"Aw, fuck me." Simmons says.

"Or someone whose mental capacity is so unbelievably tiny that he could never be turned against us." Sarge says.

Everyone looks to Donut.

"Hey, pink suit, guys!" Donut says. "I think it's somebody else's turn in the barrel!"

"Or someone who's somehow insane and sane at the same time, with somehow enough weaponry to blow this planet up multiple times. And has some potential brain damage." Sarge says.

Everyone looks at Ash. 

"I promise I will eventually build something that won't just explode." Ash says.

"Then again, maybe we just stick with the trustworthy thing." Sarge says.

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06-28-2022

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