Chapter 263: Belly of the Beast

Cut to a shot of whale creatures swimming around outside the Blues & Reds' base

Dylan:(voice over) You know the story of Jonah?

Cut to Jax and Dylan in the base watching the whale things through a window.

Jax: Mm, that does ring a bell. Was that on the Blacklist?

Dylan: The Bible, actually. Jonah was swallowed whole by a whale.

Jax: Belly of the beast, huh? Sounds like this "Bible" ripped off Aliens.

Dylan: I feel a bit like Jonah right now. But this whale has secrets. I dunno about you but I am sick of being sidelined.

Jax: Ooh! Are we gonna do some snooping around?

Dylan: Nooo, I'm gonna do some snooping around.

Jax: Oh, come on, you know I could help! I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm pretty good at randomly bumping into things that move the plot forwards?

Dylan: You've got something more important to do. I need you to distract someone while I look around. (whispering) I think the Blues and Reds have Sarge spying on us.

Sarge: (off screen) NUH-UH!

Cut to reveal Sarge watching them from across the room.

Sarge: (suspiciously) I, uh, I was just walkin' by! I didn't hear you say exactly what you said just now! (walking away) See ya later ! Bye! Gotta go! Woo!

Jax: (beat) I think you might be onto something.

Cut to Jax approaching Sarge while Dylan watches from the shadows.

Jax: Hi, there... Mr. Sarge.

Sarge: *grunts*

Jax: (hesitant beat) Sarge, have you ever considered a life in show business?

Sarge: Ha! That's ridiculous. Show biz is a young man's game. And I was an old man when your old man was a young man. Young man.

Jax: Not necessarily. Some people do get into it late- eh later.

Sarge: Well, despite my chiseled frame and iconic eyebrows... I, am a soldier! Not a movie star!

Jax: Ya' know, you remind me of R. Lee Ermey. He was a marine. A real one like you. He was consulting on Fullmetal Jacket and he was so good that Kubrick cast him in the actual film right then and there!

Sarge: Really? Well, ain't that a wing dinger!

Jax: I'm actually writing a military drama myself at the moment. (walking away) But if your not interested, I guess I could check with Surge. Apparently he studied at Julliard.

Sarge: Halt!

Jax stops.

Sarge: (cont'd) Now don't you go puttin' words in my mouth! I never said I wasn't interested. Now what exactly is this movie about?

Jax: It's a military courtroom drama about a drill sergeant who has to defend himself in court after an accident during a drill gets his whole squad killed.

Sarge: Sounds fantastic! I've long fantasized about Grif dying horribly during routine training exercises. When can I see the script?

Jax: Script? Ugh- Yes, of course. I-I mean once you have the part of course, of course. There's an audition first.

Dylan sneaks away in the background as Jax talks.

Jax: It's like a...screen test. Screen test. Audition test. Screen test. Skits-you-see -in-front-of-the-camera test.

Sarge: Alright, alright ! I'll give it a shot! Personally, I've always seen myself playing the thirty-something CEO of some exciting internet startup.

Jax: Yeeaaah, I think that's gonna be a bit of a stretch. Why don't we stick to what you know?

Sarge: Lights...Camera...Sarge!

Cut to Dylan crouching out of sight as Gene walks by. She moves on the room with the cloaking generator and hides as Cronut and Bucky exit the room. She then hides behind a wall as Zsh walks past.

Temple:(off screen) Excuses! I'm sick of them!

Dylan enters the room and hides behind a crate as Loco and Temple argue.

Temple:(cont'd) So sick of them I could puke!

Loco: I know. I'm sorry. I just-I-I'm trying!

Temple: Try harder, fuckface! When will it be done?

Loco: You know, soon. Soon! Ugh, yeah soon. Soon. Probably. Probably! Hello!

Temple:(mockingly) "Probably! Probably!" What the fuck, Loco!? I've given you everything you've asked for. You said it would be ready months ago!

Loco: Well... The quantum capacitors are working. The flux matrix is inverting the matter's states but I still can't get the neutron dispenser to polarize the anti-matter and I'm out of AA batteries.

Temple: *stutters* Stop! I can't stand the fucking techno- babble!

Loco: But-

Temple: Why couldn't you just build me a huge freaking bomb like I asked!?

Loco: This is going to be so much better!. It's gonna be perfect. It's gonna be big and beautiful and you're going to love it! And we're going to be best friends!

Dylan moves slightly, causing a can to roll along the top of the crate.

Temple: And It's going to be finished soon. Or you are. Got it?

The can falls and makes a small noise.

Loco: It'll be finished by the-

Temple: Shh!

The two ready their weapons and move towards the backside the crate.

Loco: Gasp! It's you!

Dylan is shown to be gone, with a small spartan plushy in her place. Temple suspiciously looks to the doorway.

Loco: Oh you're in trouble now! Should I arrest him, boss?

Dylan: (voice over) I'm telling you, Tucker, I know what I heard.

Cut to Dylan talking to Tucker.

Dylan: That's definitely not a cloaking device.

Tucker: Well then what is it?

Dylan: I don't know! But it most definitely shows that they're not being honest with us.

Tucker: Maybe they just don't trust the press. Can't blame 'em there.

Dylan: I'm not some... reality TV host. And I promise that I didn't lead that bounty hunter to you. Can we please just bury the hatchet and focus on what's important?

Tucker: They haven't given me one single reason not to trust them, Dylan.

Dylan: Then explain why they're keeping us in the dark about everything.

Tucker: They're not! Look, they left me in charge of planning the campaign against the UNSC!

Dylan: That's a video game.

Tucker: What? No! It's a tactics simulator. Advanced military stuff.

Dylan: That's a video game, Tucker.

Cut to reveal Halo Wars 2 playing on Tucker's screens.

Tucker: ...Huh. Well, I guess that explains the micro-transactions.

Dylan: They're distracting you, Tucker! And where are Carolina and Wash? I heard they'd joined up with us? Ash even went with them.

Tucker: They're out gettin' some grub.

Dylan: She told you that?

Tucker: Temple did.

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Dylan: So you're seriously telling me that nothing about this place smells fishy to you?

Tucker: Well, of course it smells fishy.

Dylan: Figuratively, Tucker! Figuratively fishy! Almost all the doors around here are locked, I can't find a single computer that's networked...If they were being so open why all the secrecy?

Tucker: I wouldn't want a bunch of random people wandering around my house either! They might steal shit! Or walk into my masturbatorium!

Dylan: Ugh. What if it's more than that? What if there's stuff they don't want us to see? Ya'know, I don't need your help. I just thought you'd wanna know.

Dylan starts walking away.

Tucker: Temple's office.

Dylan: What about it?

Tucker: He has a networked computer. I've seen it.

Dylan: Bingo.

Tucker: Just let me know what you find, okay?

Dylan: Of course.

Dylan leaves. Cut to Jax and Sarge near a green screen set up.

Jax: Okay, are we ready? Sarge, did you choose a monologue?

Sarge: Of course I'm nervous! Ugh-I mean ready! Of course I'm ready.

Jax: Alright-y then, I will get in position.

Sarge: (beat) I wonder what he meant by "choose"...

Patriotic music starts playing. Cut to Sarge in front of a giant American flag a la "Patton". Camera switches to random angles as Sarge monologues.

Sarge: Remember, Reds. No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country! He won the war, by making the Blue bastard die for his country! Now... should we win today the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world stood up, in one voice, and said: (Scottish accent) You may take our lives, but you will never take our-TRUTH! You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! Second place: set of stake knives. Third place: martini...shaken, not stirred.

Patriotic music ends. Cut to Jax awkwardly staring at Sarge.

Jax: Good...that was...great take, um-

Cut back to Sarge. Music resumes. Camera slowly zooms in on Sarge.

Sarge: He's dead, Jim! You're a wizard, Harry! Feel lucky, punk? Say what again! Over the line! Hasta la vista! A great big bushy beard! This. Is. My boomstick! How am I doin'?

Jax: I think we're losing the thread-

Sarge: Cancel the post! City Slickers! Predator! Lazer Team 2!

Music stops. Cut back to Jax.

Jax: Those are just titles, Sarge. And I'm pretty sure you made that last one up.

Sarge: *chuckles* Right. So, did I get the part?

Jax: How 'bout we try some improv?

Temple: (off screen) I've got a better idea.

Cut to reveal Temple, Surge, Zsh, and Bucky nearby.

Temple: Where's the reporter?

Sarge: In her quarters, Sir!

Temple: Wrong. They're empty. You. Shutterbug. Tell me where she is.

Jax: (nervously) Have you gentlemen ever considered a life in show business?

The four aim their guns at Jax.

Jax: I-I-I don't know, I swear!

Cut to Dylan in Temple's office. She accesses the computer only to find a password screen.

Dylan: *sigh* V.I.C.?...V.I.C.? Goddammit, V.I.C., come on.

The computer installs "VIC.exe". V.I.C. appears onscreen.

V.I.C: Yo yo yo yo? V-I-C-K, what is up, chica mosfina ?

Dylan: (whispering) Quiet. I need some help.

V.I.C.: Ho ho. Well. Your wish is my command, duderino! This genie is poppin' off the bottle and ready to roll! Watchya need?

Dylan: I need access to this computer. Can you hack into it?

V.I.C.: Donezo!

The computer transitions to Temple's homepage.

V.I.C.: Wait! Little reminder, dudette. You've got three little wishes before you have to control alt delete me! Off the face of reality! That was the deal.

Dylan: Yeah yeah, I haven't forgotten.

V.I.C.: Yeah. And this is wish number... Uh wish number...Seems I've got a little gap in the memory circuits. A little uh, erase-a in the cabeza. Ugh wish number...

Dylan: Wish number two.

V.I.C.: Right! Haha! This is wish number dos! You promised duderino! I don't wanna stand up my date with death. We're takin' the river styx to Disneyland! I'm doin' shots with Anubis, dude! I'm playin' twister with the reaper!

Dylan: Keep your voice down! Do you a silent mode of something?

V.I.C.'s words appear in a skype style text box: "How's this dude?"

Dylan: That works.

Textbox: a/s/l?

Dylan: Knock it off. Are you in?

Textbox: I'm in like there swimware, duderino!

Dylan: Have you found anything?

Textbox: Whoa dude, dude! You are not gonna believe this, dude OMG.

Dylan: What is it?

Textbox: It's me! :O

Dylan: What does that mean?

Textbox: Look!

A video appears obscured by Dylan's head.

Church: (video) *static* This is Church- *static* alpha-*static*

Dylan: Oh my god...

Temple: Dylan.

Dylan: Oh no.

Cut to show Temple and Surge approaching her.

Temple: Why am I not surprised?

Church:(video) *static* send help-*static*

Temple: I think it's about time... we had a little chat.

Textbox: :(

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08-01-2022

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