Chapter 278: Sis and Tuc’s Sexellent Adventure

The scene opens on Valhalla where last we left Kai and Tucker. Around the back of Red Base, Kaikaina fires the time gun, opening a pink portal. As she does, Tucker comes around the base.

SISTER: Tight!

TUCKER: Nice. You figure it all out?

SISTER: Yeah, it's easy. It's just a click wheel. You just wind it backwards until you get the right date.

TUCKER: Weird.

SISTER: So... you want to talk about yesterday?

TUCKER: Sure. I thought about what you said. The celebrity plan. I'm in! I got my list and everything.

SISTER: [In a happy sing-song voice.] Awesome! Let's go have sex with some dead people! Where do we start?

TUCKER: The ‘90s.

SISTER: The 1890s? Don't tell me that you also have a thing for Jack the Ripper!

TUCKER: The 1990s! Number one on my list is the Spice Girls!

SISTER: ...All of them?

TUCKER: Yeah, all of them! What, you don't think I can handle a six-way with the Spice Girls?

SISTER: What if you set your sights more realistically? Like... Scary Spice!

TUCKER: Listen, K. I'm a space hero from the future with a magical sword. I'm what every girl wants! What they really really want!

SISTER: [Laughs.] Oh, god.

TUCKER: Don't belittle me!

SISTER: [Still laughing.] Sorry, it's just... that swagger! I thought you would’ve grown out of it a little by now.

TUCKER: [Indignantly.] No, I’ve grown into it. I'm basically the new Church, but way less whiny.

SISTER: [Teasingly.] Oh! Should I be throwing myself at your feet?

TUCKER: Eh... you're not really my type anymore, honestly.

SISTER: [Annoyed.] Get over it, Tucker. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

TUCKER: You didn't! I don't have feelings. But seriously, for the record? You and me had a sex!

SISTER: No, we didn't! I remember, you freaked out!

TUCKER: Because someone was watching us!

SISTER: There was no one in the cave but us.

TUCKER: Someone was peeping on my peeper! But it still counts because we had... [Clears throat.] ...started the act.

SISTER: That's not how I remember it.

TUCKER: K! The hotdog truck was in the garage! It counts!

SISTER: The clown car broke down turning into the driveway. Doesn't count.

TUCKER: The stretch limo was inside the multi-level parking structure. Counts.

SISTER: The monocycle got a flat tire and the driver had no spares.

TUCKER: No, that ain’t the thing!

SISTER: You can count it if you want, I don't give a heck. I mean, shit, that might push me to triple digits.

TUCKER: We could find out. If anyone was watching us. If the hotdog truck was in the garage, or the driveway! We could go back in time and see!

SISTER: Uh, fuck yeah! Time travel to watch myself bang? I’ve always wanted to originate a fetish!

TUCKER: Just be careful in the past. We don't want to start any paradoxes or whatever.

SISTER: Thanks for the... tip.

With Ash.

Ash walks out of a pink portal and he sees a familiar city.

"I remember this place." Ash says as he watches the tall sky scrapper tumble to the ground.

"From my-my-my records this was the city where the fffffffreelancers w-w-went after The Sarcophagus." Xi says.

"I was a badass during this mission." Ash says and he looks to the side and sees a Hornet.

The pilot of said Hornet is peeing off the side of a building. Ash smirks as he sneaks over to the Hornet.

Ash gets in and starts it up, the pilot freaks out and zips up his pants and turns around to see Ash flying away.

"Wait!" The pilot yells. "I still have payments on that!"

Ash flies around the city looking for Agent Minnesota. "Man, if I could talk to Minnesota and learn from him."

"I-I-It wwwwould be nice to tttttaalk to him a-a-ag-again." Xi says.

Ash looks around and he spots a Hornet being chased by two other Hornets. "That must be him! I need to help him." Ash looks down at the controls. "Where are the missiles on this thing?"

"Press T-T-T-the red button." 

Ash presses something and a click is heard and a drink holster pops up next to him.

"No the ooooother one." Xi states.

"That makes sense now." Ash says and he presses a button and a missile fires from the Hornet.

Ash looks up only to see Minne's Hornet to be struck by his missile. Ash and Xi watch as Minnesota's Hornet crashes down towards the highway. They see the hatch open up and Minne jump onto the highway before the Hornet crashes and explodes. 

"Huh... That's what happened." Ash whispers. "I think I'm just gonna land this thing now."

"G-G-G-God Idea." Xi says as she flashes away.

Ash flies the Hornet on top of a building and he lands. Ash hops out of the Hornet and holds out the portal gun. Xi appears on his shoulder and her form glitches and flashes a few times.

"Let's try this again." Ash fires and a pink portal opens a little ways in front of him.

"I-I-I-I hope we landddddd somewhere n-n-nice." Xi says with a smile.

"I hope I don't find out more ways I screwed up Minnesota." Ash says as he walks through the pink portal and it closes.

Scene opens on desolation at Broken Ridge.

SIMMONS: Simmons’ science log, supplemental. Subject Red's participation in his first career failure seems to have left him reflective and solemn. It appears as if time travel has been a valuable learning tool for Sarge, and I am going to attempt to comfort him and inquire about his state of mind. [To Sarge.] You all right?

SARGE: You know, Simmons, they say hindsight is 20/20. With age comes perspective. An awareness of where you went right, and where you went left. I realize now that there ain’t no one to blame for my failures... except for the dumb idiots under my command!

SIMMONS: What?

SARGE: Morons, Simmons! I’ve been saddled with total morons my whole life, and it's cost me everything!

SIMMONS: A, ouch. B, Sarge, your orders! You made them go up and down!

SARGE: Well I can only do so much with what I’ve been given! Come on! Like trying to cook an omelette with rotten eggs! Fortunately, the book of destiny ain’t closed just yet. [Cocks the time gun.] We’re gonna do this again! We’re going to get it right! Before we do, Red Team is going to acquire some reinforcements! We’re going to assemble the greatest fighting force the world has ever seen, made from the most awesome soldiers in human history! It'll be just like The Expendables... without the unnecessary Harrison Ford cameo! When assembled, we’re going to right our lefts. We’re going to right our wrongs! And we’re going to paint this universe red! Hurrah! Come on, Simmons. Hurrah!

SIMMONS: Hurrah?

SARGE: Louder.

SIMMONS: Hurrah.

SARGE: Hurrah-rah-rah! Come on, man.

Scene opens on Blood Gulch, a pink portal appearing mid-canyon and Tucker emerging, followed by Kaikaina.

TUCKER: Home sweet home. That must be us fighting Wyoming!

SISTER: Hey—psst. Let's try to stay out of sight, man!

TUCKER: My thoughts exactly. [Spots a sniper rifle on the ground by a rock.] Oh shit. That’ll help!

Tucker and Kaikaina take up a vantage point. Tucker looks through the sniper rifle scope.

TUCKER: Let's see if we can figure out what's going on around here.

Two soldiers appear in Tucker’s scope, one blue and one teal. The Blue one is holding a needler rifle.

TUCKER: I see me! There I am, talking to Caboose. No, wait—wait, that's Captain Flowers. I think I recognize this.

SISTER: I'm no firearms expert, Tucker, but I'm pretty sure you shouldn't have your finger on the trigger like that.

TUCKER: Calm down, K. The safety's on. See?

Tucker fires, shooting Captain Flowers in the head.

TUCKER: Oh! [Whispers.] Dang.

SISTER: I bet this never happens to you, right?

TUCKER: [Drops the sniper rifle, switching back to his standard battle rifle.] I think I'll stick with melee weapons for a while.

Scene cuts to Doc and Grif coming through a portal into a familiar parking lot.

DOC: Ohoho, this looks familiar. What does this have to do with fixing the past?

GRIF: Nothing. We’re ignoring Donut. We’re gonna go get some pizza, and wait for this whole thing to blow over.

DOC: But I thought it was destroyed.

GRIF: Aha! I set the machine to years ago, back when I was in college here, and right before I dropped out and enlisted. This was the year I ate Sammie Raphaello's for a hundred days straight, so this time we know it's here, for sure.

DOC: Hey, backstory! We’re bonding now! How do you feel about pineapple on ya ‘za, brah?

GRIF: [Looking up.] Mother. Fucker.

DOC: Copy that. I know that’s a sensitive issue for some people.

GRIF: [Distressed.] Look...!

Camera cuts to the sign, which now reads: Sammie Raphaello's Calzones & Stromboli.

DOC: ‘Sammie Raphaellos Calzones & Stromboli’? I thought you said this was a pizza place.

GRIF: It fucking is! [Turns.] Hey, you.

Nearby are three kids, dressed in cobalt blue Mark IV armor.

KID 1: [In a slightly muffled voice.] What do you want, old man?

GRIF: What year is it?

Camera zooms out. On the ground near the kids are three plastic pumpkin buckets, filled with candy.

KID 2: What year is it? What kind of question is that?

DOC: Why are you all wearing armor...?

KID 2: Uh, it's Halloween, dude! We’re trick-or-treating.

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KID 3: My mom made us these awesome costumes! We’re space Marines!

DOC: Oh, neat!

GRIF: Yeah, neat. What fucking year is it, you little shitstain?! There's supposed to be a pizza place right here.

KID 1: A what?

GRIF: A pizza restaurant!

KID 2: What's pizza?

GRIF: What's pizza?!

KID 3: Are you saying pitas? Like, Greek food?

GRIF: NO! Pizza! Dough! Marinara sauce! Mozzarella! Pepperoni!!

KID 2: Ohhh, calzones!

GRIF: No! Well—yeah, like that, but flat!

KID 1: Unfolded calzone? Gross.

KID 2: Why would you want to unfold a calzone?

GRIF: Oh my god, because we’re civilized!

The kids look at each other.

KID 3: We should probably go back to trick-or-treating. These guys are weird.

They run off, grabbing their buckets as they go.

DOC: Well, that seems odd. What kind of kid's haven't heard of pizza? That's the best pie there is, after rhubarb.

GRIF: It's not just them, it's... Sammie's too. The sign. [Voice breaking.] Doc... we’re in a world where pizza doesn't exist...!

DOC: Whoa... that's trippy. What are we gonna do?

GRIF: (despairingly There's only one thing to do...

Grif pulls out a grenade, pulls the pin and drops it at his own feet.

DOC: Whoa—Jesus! [Runs, kicks the grenade away and tackles Grif to the ground away from the explosion. After the blast is safely over, he gets to his feet again.] Get a hold of yourself, man! You can't give up that easy!

GRIF: Watch me...

DOC: Look. If this is a big deal to you, then we just need to fix it! Go back in time and invent pizza! Hey, for all we know, this is how pizza was invented in the first place. Or... with this time machine, we have the opportunity to save a really incredible amount of lives. We could prevent wars. Cure diseases. Avoid famines. Vaccinate kittens against feline AIDS! You and me, Grif. We can save the entire universe!

GRIF: [Opens a portal with the time gun. Sighs.] Let's go make pizza.

DOC: [Resignedly.] Yeah... pizza quest it is.

Cut back to Tucker and Kaikaina, now standing on the cliff looking out on Blood Gulch. Kaikaina now has the sniper rifle.

SISTER: Jesus, you people spend a lot of time standing around and talking.

TUCKER: No kidding. Hey, your radio's off, right?

SISTER: Yeah, they can't hear us.

TUCKER: So, why'd you decide to come along this time?

SISTER: Am I cramping your style?

TUCKER: No! I'm just making chitchat.

SISTER: Well, honestly, things were getting a little messy at the music festival. I jumped at the chance to get the hell out of dodge.

TUCKER: Business down?

SISTER: No way! We’re growing like gangbusters. It's the other side of things that sucked. Personal stuff. ...I started messing around with someone at work, and HR found out.

TUCKER: So?

SISTER: The person I was seeing is married to the head of HR! What a freakin’ mess, man. I kept thinking, 'Why can't we just go back to when things were just silly and fun all the time?'

TUCKER: I know what you mean. When we were stationed here it was like... nothing mattered. We could fuck up and make mistakes and it was always fine. Now I fuck up and Wash gets shot. I screw up, and suddenly I owe child support payments that make up a fraction of Chorus's GDP. Before she died, my mama always said, ‘You can’t unwind the clock.’ Wait ‘til she sees my time machine!

A Pelican dropship flies overhead, disappearing in a sudden burst.

SISTER: There it goes.

TUCKER: So after that, everyone goes their separate ways, and I convince you to check out the caves with me. Then I work my magic!

SISTER: Pretty sure it was the other way around, dude.

Cut to Past Tucker leading Past Kaikaina into the caves.

PAST TUCKER: This way! It's in here.

PAST SISTER: [Flirtatiously.] Oh yeah, Tucker? My surprise is in the cave?

PAST TUCKER: [Flirting right back.] Uh huh. Come on.

PAST SISTER: Is it a big surprise? Am I gonna be able to handle it?

PAST TUCKER: It's huge, babe. You're gonna love it.

SISTER: There we go.

TUCKER: Let's go around. The back way is over here.

Present Tucker and Kaikaina sneak around the back and into the caves.

PAST SISTER: That's... it?

PAST TUCKER: What? You don't like it?

PAST SISTER: I was just expecting... bigger.

PAST TUCKER: It's a good size! It's big enough for you! What were you expecting?

PAST SISTER: I don't know. Longer... wider... deeper...

Cut to Past Tucker and Past Sister standing at the edge of a small pond.

PAST TUCKER: It's a cave pond. It's as long and wide and deep as the cave!

PAST SISTER: So... that was your big surprise, huh?

PAST TUCKER: Yep.

PAST SISTER: You got... anything else for me? Anything else you wanna show me, Tucker?

PAST TUCKER: Uh, um, maybe! I think I--y-you know—I maybe—might—something else for—show you!

SISTER: Well, well, well. Look who's getting cold feet.

TUCKER: Shh. They'll hear us!

PAST SISTER: It's a little hot in here, don't you think? Or maybe it's just me. Feeling the heat.

PAST TUCKER: I hope you're not sick! Oh—oh, you mean the other kind of heat! Sexy animal heat! Awesome.

PAST SISTER: Maybe I should cool off before I burn up. You wanna get in the water with me?

PAST TUCKER: I don't know. That water looks nasty. You want a backrub?

SISTER: So slick.

TUCKER: Whatever. It worked.

PAST SISTER: Sure. Let's go swimming first. Let me just squeeze out of this suit here.

SISTER: Damn. I wish I had her hips.

TUCKER: You... do.

SISTER: Ohhh, right.

PAST SISTER: The water's nice, Tucker. Why don't you get in?

PAST TUCKER: Oh yeah girl, I'm comin’.

PAST SISTER: Don't come too quick.

PAST TUCKER: Now I'm confused. You want me in or out?

PAST SISTER: [Impatient splash.] Jesus, Tucker, get in already!

SISTER: Nice.

TUCKER: Damn.

SISTER: ...Fuck it. You wanna mess around?

TUCKER: [Eagerly.] Sure!

Tucker’s too-loud reply echoes off the stone walls of the cave.

PAST TUCKER: What was that?

PAST SISTER: What was what?

PAST TUCKER: Did you hear that? Someone's here!

PAST SISTER: I didn't hear anything! Where are you going?

PAST TUCKER: I heard someone! I need to investigate! Who's peeping my peeper? [He and Past Sister go running past.] Better not be you, Caboose!

Cut back to Valhalla. Kai emerges from the portal.

SISTER: Really great job there, Tucker. You managed to double cockblock me with a single word.

TUCKER: Hey, you're the one who lost control. I mean, I don't blame you. The double Tucker heat was thick in there!

SISTER: Blech. God, what was I thinking!

TUCKER: You wanted a slice!

SISTER: I had a momentary lapse in judgement. Do not let it go to your head.

TUCKER: Hah! It's way too late for that. So... about that offer.

SISTER: It's rescinded. I would rather go fuck myself. [Thoughtfully.] And with the time machine, I actually can do that now. Hell yeah, new fetish! [Runs offscreen.]

TUCKER: Balls.

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10-11-2022

2610 words

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