Chapter 28: Me, Myself and You

In front of Red base Grif, Ash and Donut are standing at the overturned Warthog.

"Well, are you sure you left the part in there?" Grif asks Donut.

"Hmm, think so." Donut says as he turns to Grif. "Wait, yes! No. Wait. Wait, wait.... wait." Grif and Ash look to each other then back to Donut. "Hmmmmmmm... I think so..."

Grif sighs.

"Are you an idiot?" Ash asks Donut.

Grif turns to Ash. "That's funny coming from you."

Ash turns to Grif. "I will replace your mash potatoes with plastic explosives."

Grif stares at Ash for a few seconds. "You wouldn't."

"Oh, I would." Ash says. "And I think Sarge would give me a medal if I were too."

"How do you even have all this weaponry?" Grif asks.

Ash looks back to the base then to Grif. "A magician never revels his secrets."

"Wh- You know what, never mind." Grif turns to Donut. "Alright, let's retrace your steps. You said it was the Tuesday before Simmons, Ash and Sarge got blown up-"

"What a fun Tuesday." Ash says. "I wounder what C4 tastes like?"

Grif continues. "That you were last in the Warthog, right?"

"Right." Donut agrees. "I know it was Tuesday because that's the day I wash my underwear. And since I don't like letting my armor touch my bare skin, on the account of I chafe really easily, I remember thinking, 'Where can I hang out with no pants on?'" He looks to the Warthog.

"Oh, god!" Grif says in disgust.

"I hate Tuesday now." Ash says. 

Over to Tucker.

Shelia, with Tucker driving her, and Lopez are heading towards Red Base.

"Okay, well, looks like we're close enough." Tucker says. "Now if I could just find the brakes on this thing. Ah, it must be this button."

"Do not touch that button." Shelia says with anger.

"Oh, sorry." Tucker apologizes. "Hmm, maybe it's this one!"

"Do not touch me." Shelia says.

"You know, for a girl your size, you're kinda sensitive."

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Over to the Idiot, The Insane, and The confusion. 

"I cannot take any more of this." Grif says.

"I think I'm gonna puke." Ash says sounding sick.

Donut is still telling his story. "So after I clipped my toenails, I was gonna apply the ointment as recommended. But I don't know, it just smelled really funny. So, decided to taste it, just to make sure it was safe!"

"That's it." Grif turns to Ash. "I'm committing suicide."

Ash turns to Grif. "Good for you. I've discovered I'm not the most insane here."

Grif turns around and walks away.

"Hey." Donut says. "I didn't finish retracing my steps yet. You don't even know what I did about the boil on my thigh."

Ash turns to Donut. "I honestly will puke, if you continue."

Grif looks back at the two and spots something. "Oh crap!"

Grif runs back to the two.

"Hey, you're back!" Donut says.

Ash turns to Grif. "Shoot me with your gun, then I'll shoot you."

"So where was I?" Donut asks. "Oh yeah," Grif crouches down. "I lanced it. Disgusting!"

Ash turns to Donut. "I will blow you up."

"Not now you two!" Grif stands up and looks at the two. "There's a giant tank out there that's about to steamroll right over us!"

"What?!" Donut shouts in shock.

"Seems like a normal day." Ash says calmly. 

Donut jumps up and spots the tank and turns to Grif. "Oh. God, it's true! I'm totally freaking out! I'm freaking out."

Ash turns to Donut. "Some of us were crazy before it was cool."

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