Chapter 284: Caboose’s Travels

The opening screen is a shot of the Earth from space, with yellow stars drawn over the background and “Caboose’s Travels” in rainbow gradient letters. And Comic Sans.

CABOOSE: [Voice-over.] Hello ladies and gentlemen! Welcome... to my vacation photos. Gentlemen, hold onto your butts. Ladies, hold onto whatever girls have instead of butts. ...Is it a tail? [Whispers.] Is that what it is?

Caboose's photos begin to appear in the frame, many with a place and time labeled in the lower right corner.

REACH 2460 AD: Caboose against a backdrop of some kind of black cliffs, and some kind of ship with blue lights in the sky above him.

CABOOSE: Ah, this is the one from when I found the gun that shoots doors and went through the doors and had a good time with my friend Lopez.

LOPEZ: Lo odiaba. [“I hated you.”]

(Unlabeled): Caboose hunting on the ground outside a building for his lucky penny.

CABOOSE: Yeah, it all started because I needed my lucky penny to start a fixed-interest savings account.

DESOLATION ISLE 2558 AD: Caboose overlooking the scene at the beginning of season 16, on the island.

CABOOSE: Then Grif told me to go buy some donuts.

SARAJEVO 1914 AD: Caboose handing his pistol to a mysterious person.

CABOOSE: So I went to the donut shop and a guy named Gavrilo Principal asked to borrow my gun. I said okay. Yeah, then there was a lot of yelling, so we left and went here.

BJORNDAL CRYOGENICS 2548 AD: Caboose standing in front of the oil platform from season 9. (Unlabeled) Caboose talking with one of the Bjorndal guards, while holding up two fingers.

CABOOSE: I was really tired, so I asked someone for two cups of coffee.

YUCATAN PENINSULA 871 AD: Caboose sneezing on a Maya person.

CABOOSE: I, ah, yeah, I totally sneezed on that guy.

AFRICA 2,320,521 BC: Caboose hanging out with some monkeys.

CABOOSE: Yeah, then we asked some monkeys if they’d seen my penny, but it turned out they were mean monkeys.

(Unlabeled): Caboose swinging a femur bone at one of the monkeys.

CABOOSE: If they turn and come back I'll beat ‘em! With a stick!

(Unlabeled):Caboose skipping away as one of the monkeys holds the femur aloft, the others looking on in fascination.

CABOOSE: Yeah, I hope they learned their lesson.

BUDA, TX 2003: Caboose with the founding fathers of Rooster Teeth: Geoff, Jason, Gus, Matt, Burnie, and Joel. Caboose has one hand on Burnie’s shoulder, and is giving Joel bunny ears.

CABOOSE: Oh yeah! Then I met some really really ugly people and helped name their company. I think it will stick! Agh! God, those guys were ugly!

AFRICA 612,002 BC: Caboose standing around a campfire, with three cavemen. CABOOSE: And then we met some really hairy guys! All the hairy guys looked so cold, I started a fire for them!

The cavemen lifting Caboose up over their heads, looking happy. CABOOSE: Hairy guys are my best friends!

Caboose playing a guitar made of wood and stone, while the three cavemen play their own crude instruments: a bone triangle, a drumset made of stone and hide and tree roots, and a bass made entirely out of wood. There’s a fire in the foreground, and Caboose has his foot in it.

CABOOSE: Ah, and then me and the hairy men started a band! And I was teaching them how to play “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” when I caught on fire!

ALEXANDRIA 48 BC: Caboose on fire running through a library, toward a pink portal on the far right of the frame.

CABOOSE: Yeah, this part I was on fire.

LONDON: 1666 AD: Caboose on fire running through a London street, toward a pink portal.

CABOOSE: Yeah, let's skip that part. Skip.

NEW JERSEY 1937 AD: Caboose parachuting from a blimp, in grainy black and white.

CABOOSE: Skip, skip, skip.

(Unlabeled): Caboose's view of Sarge, Simmons, Jax, Wash, and Carolina right after Simmons opened the closet door.

CABOOSE: Then I found my friends. The end!

WASH: Well, that changes... literally everything.

JAX: I'm gonna need some time to process this. Ten, fifteen years should be enough.

SIMMONS: Told you so.

CAROLINA: At least we’re still standing here, right? Caboose didn't erase anybody.

JAX: Yah! That we know of! Uh, it is a good point though. Caboose's travels in time are--

CABOOSE: Are in time for what? Am I late?

SIMMONS: Time travels, Caboose.

CABOOSE: Sure it does. Really makes you think. [Whispers.] Circles.

JAX: As I was saying--

GEORGE: Pardon—ah, dear Director? We’re all set up and waiting for you.

JAX: Cancel the shoot! This is way too important.

GEORGE: Understood! We shall shoot the maiming scene another day, I guess.

JAX: Whoa, we’re up to that? Fuck yeah, time travel can wait! Ah, okay, wait. Real quick. There's still one more piece to this puzzle.

CAROLINA: The paradox question.

JAX: Right. So far, all the time traveling can be explained away by a really weird closed loop. No one's done anything that would prevent them from traveling in time in the first place. If you do that, let me know what happens! If there's still a me. And there's still a happens.

WASH: Speaking of closed loops—my migraine has a migraine. I'll, um—I'll see you guys later. Gonna grab some shuteye.

Carolina watches Wash walk out of the room.

Cut to the medieval castle, and a sign that has been changed from “CAMELOT” to “CAMELTO.”

ORANGE KNIGHT: [Voiceover.] Lord, please—I bring news.

Cut to the interior of a castle, where Tucker is seated on a golden throne, with the Orange Knight standing before him.

TUCKER: News? Ennh! Boring. Skip.

ORANGE KNIGHT: Sire, the—the French have landed at Cornwall!

TUCKER: Sweet. About frickin’ time. Did they bring everything I asked for?

ORANGE KNIGHT: I don't believe so, Your Grace. It appears to be an invasion? We must raise an army at once.

TUCKER: Pah. An army. Let's let the military worry about armies, okay?

ORANGE KNIGHT: But we are the—Sire—I shan’t stand here and watch as the noble land of Camelot--

TUCKER: Camelto.

ORANGE KNIGHT: Camelto... is overrun by the French! I refuse—Tucker stands up from his throne, and draws his energy sword.

ORANGE KNIGHT: Excalibur!

Two Blue knights nearby kneel.

BLUE KNIGHT: Blessed be the sword of swords!

TUCKER: That's what I thought. Are we done?

ORANGE KNIGHT: No, Your Grace. There is one other matter. Thou hath a visitor. He insults thee to any fellow that listens.

TUCKER: What?! What does he sayeth?

ORANGE KNIGHT: He sayeth... “Tucker is a butt. A dildo.” That he hath a dildo up the butt.

TUCKER: What?

ORANGE KNIGHT: He sayeth thou cannot maintain an erection, and hath dubbed this condition “Wangxiety.”

TUCKER: But you told him I'm King, right?

ORANGE KNIGHT: Verily. He countered, perhaps thou art the King of... masturbating?

The two Blue knights snicker.

ORANGE KNIGHT: Jack of all offs, Master of Bates, and a Cockbite of the highest order.

TUCKER: Kill him! Kill that guy! Off with his head!

ORANGE KNIGHT: Ah, yes Sire.

The Orange Knight turns to leave.

TUCKER: Cockbite... cockbite? Oh, God damn it.

Tucker rises from his throne, draws his rifle and heads out of the throne room.

He meets Grif at opposite ends of a long table.

TUCKER: What the fuck are you doing here?

GRIF: We happened to be in the neighborhood.

TUCKER: Yeah? Neat. What's with the uh, glowing thing?

GRIF: Huggins has a name.

HUGGINS: It's Huggins!

SISTER: [Entering the room.] Sorry I'm late! I got waylaid. Hey, brother! When did you pop in?

HUGGINS: We happened to be in the neighborhood.

TUCKER: What brings you to my kingdom, losers? Need a knighthood? Or perhaps a circumcision.

GRIF: Knock it off.

TUCKER: Oh, come on! Now what'll it be, a Baron? Baron Wasteland, Lord of the Swamp. I'm the King! Get with it.

GRIF: [Aside to Kaikaina.] What the fuck is wrong with Tucker?

SISTER: Somebody doesn't take rejection well!

TUCKER: God damn it. Respect me! I hold the magic sword, and thusly, I decide what's what! My word is law! The sun and the moon are the same thing! Mice grow up to be dogs! Scott Bakula's Star Trek is one long weird episode of Quantum Leap! You will respect me! You will kneel!

SISTER: We can see your boner.

TUCKER: Eep—I'll fire you from the trebuchet!

Suddenly a Donut Hole opens opposite Kaikaina, and Donut emerges.

DONUT: Oh, friends! I have finally found you! Praise be!

GRIF: Look, Tucker. I didn't cross the face of the Earth for shits and giggles. We’re all in deep. O’Malley's back.

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DONUT: Guys?

GRIF: Turns out all our time traveling has been doing some serious damage to some serious shit.

SISTER: How do you know all this?

GRIF: Huggins told me. We’re working together now. Power bump-- [Huggins spirals rabidly around Grif's torso and bumps his outstretched fist.] Fshoo!

HUGGINS: [Simultaneously with Grif.] Fshoo!

DONUT: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, guys! You can't talk to that thing—she's working for the bad guys!

HUGGINS: I am not a bad guy!

GRIF: It's Donut who's playing for the other team.

DONUT: How dare you!

SISTER: [To Huggins.] I have two questions. Are you seeing anyone? Do you like girls?

HUGGINS: I go both ways! I'm a particle and a wave. [Giggles.] Physics joke.

TUCKER: What the fuck is going on? I was thinking about some important King shit and lost the thread.

GRIF: Yeah. Turns out Donut's finger-quotes “God” is actually the new big bad. He gave us time machines so that we'd ruin history.

TUCKER: We haven't ruined history.

SISTER: You declared war on France!

TUCKER: They had it coming! Those fancy fucks eat snails!

DONUT: To save the future, we must fix the past! [Looks around at the others.] That's the mission God gave us.

SISTER: It is... vague, isn't it?

TUCKER: Like, starve a cold, feed a fever? Save the future, fix the past!

HUGGINS: It was meant to be hazy, so you'd go and do whatever!

DONUT: Not true! Listen to me!

TUCKER: Why would we ever do that?

DONUT: How silly of me to think my friends would ever be on my side. Fine. Die! See if I care.

Donut opens a portal, and departs.

HUGGINS: Oh, I feel bad. I think it hurt his feelings.

GRIF: Eh.

The Orange Knight runs back in.

ORANGE KNIGHT: Lord... [Panting.] My lady. [Bows to Sister, who giggles.] The French are at the gate! They're laying siege to Camelto!

GRIF: Ugh. We don't have time for an action scene! Let's just go.

ORANGE KNIGHT: Leave? ...Now?

TUCKER: I'm not going anywhere. Friends! Companions! Douche-knuckles! I may not be the best King, but I would never abandon my people in their time of need. Lancelot, mount my steed! I shall lead the charge myself!

LANCELOT: Right away, Sir!

GRIF: Did you really mean that?

TUCKER: Hell no, let's bail.

Cut to Jax's movie set. Wash is walking through one of the buildings by himself. A crew member runs up to him.

CREW: Ah, there you are! Follow me, please. You're late for your big moment!

Wash follows the crew member silently to the set of the hangar where he was shot. A Pelican is visible in the background, as well as a constructed cave opening covered by a green screen. Wash sees someone in identical armor to his own, and walks over to him.

WASH: Uh.

WASH ACTOR: No need. I'm already rigged up. I prefer to do my own stunts.

WASH: Excuse me?

JAX: Clear the set! Places, everyone!

Wash moves off to the side.

WASH ACTOR: What's my motivation here, Jax?

JAX: So you're this dashing action hero guy who pulls the whole team together.

WASH ACTOR: Right.

JAX: You are awesome, charismatic, funny, brave, basically perfect.

WASH ACTOR: Uh huh.

JAX: And it all goes to shit when you're shot in the neck a bunch. Action!

WASH ACTOR: [Is immediately “shot” and collapses dramatically to the floor.]

JAX: Cut! What is this, a freakin’ Disney movie? I said I wanted blood! Give me blood! Action!

The scene repeats, but this time with more blood. Wash is still watching.

JAX: What was that, a fuckin’ paper cut? Come on. Action!

The scene repeats with still more blood.

JAX: Action!

And again.

JAX: Action! [His voice echoes and becomes distorted.]

The camera zooms in on Wash's helmet as he watches the scene repeat again and again.

JAX: Cut!

The silhouette of the actor being shot is framed in a close-up on Wash's helmet. The actor falls with a truly absurd amount of blood, and an echo of Tucker calls, “Wash, get down!” The camera again zooms in on Wash, until he is startled out of it by Carolina.

CAROLINA: Wash. You okay?

WASH: Yeah, I'm--I'm--I'm fine. [Pause.] I'd be more fine if people gave me some space.

He walks off the set. Carolina watches him go.

CAROLINA: Damn it.

Cut to a blank white screen. A pink portal appears in the center, and Donut emerges.

DONUT: Aw... dang it!

O’MALLEY: Tsk, tsk. Language, Donut! Mwahaha!

DONUT: What are you doing here?

O’MALLEY: Same thing as you, my brother! I certainly wouldn't keep Him waiting.

O’Malley nods toward an arched church door sitting in the otherwise featureless white. It slowly opens. Donut comes through on the other side of the door, onto a chunk of rock seemingly floating against a backdrop of pinkish-red cloud.

CHROVOS: Donut... come closer.

Another floating platform comes into view.

DONUT: Ah! Ah—actually, I'm really cool right here, like I-I kinda tweaked my ankle, and I can hear everything really well, so--

CHROVOS: Have faith.

DONUT: I'm, uh--

CHROVOS: Walk.

Donut takes his first step off the rock platform, and does not fall. He keeps going.

DONUT: Ah. Boy!

He crossed the long distance to the far platform, seemingly walking on air.

CHROVOS: I would never let any harm come to you, child.

The far platform appears to be a shiny black surface with a white grid drawn on it. On the far side of it is a complex arrangement of gleaming gold gears, all turning.

DONUT: You're my father? Oh my. That makes me Fabulous Jesus!

CHROVOS: All are my children. Everything that exists.

DONUT: [Awestruck.] Everything...

CHROVOS: Everything.

DONUT: I got sick one time from a piece of old gum in eighth grade.

CHROVOS: I know what you're getting at. And yes, I am that gum's father.

DONUT: Amazing.

CHROVOS: Donut... something troubles you. It's your friends.

DONUT: Yeah. They're such jerks!

CHROVOS: Indeed. They are jerks. I'm sorry to say they will betray you, Donut.

DONUT: Betray me! No! They're my friends.

CHROVOS: Name one nice thing they've done.

DONUT: Um... ah! I got sick once, and Grif made me a sandwich! ...Oh. But then he ate the sandwich in front of me.

CHROVOS: Donut, look at me. I would never eat your sandwich. Your friends have chosen the wrong side. But I am merciful. You may still save them.

DONUT: And then they’d all be nice to me?

CHROVOS: Donut, I will spare your friends. Return to them now. But when you do, there's one thing—one thing you must do for me.

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Next Chapter will be an Ash adventure. The Babysitter.

2369 words

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