Chapter 292: Everwhen

Donut continues to fall through the time vortex after leaving Chrovos' prison.

DONUT: Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh... (gasp) What? What– what's happening to me?

In front of him, a window into a past reality opens up, showing a view of Valhalla. Momentarily, the image shifts to show Caboose standing in the canyon.

DONUT: Was that... Valhalla? Hey! Caboose!

CABOOSE: Uhhh, pink.

The window vanishes again.

DONUT: Am I just seeing things as I name them? Uh... Wash with a beard! Canadian Lopez!

Another window opens, first showing Agent Washington on Iris, and then Lopez 2.0 in the Mantis' body on Chorus.

DONUT: Wait a minute, I remember this! These are memories! Okay, focus, Donut. Time's happening all at once. Just gotta concentrate on one memory and stay there. A strong memory. Think, Donut, think...

We cut to Donut in Valhalla, the moment he was shot by Washington. He collapses.

SIMMONS: Donut?

DONUT: (pained) Why did it have to be this memory?

SIMMONS: DONUT, NOOOO! Donut, Donut are you okay? Come on, breathe, Donut! Breathe! Why did you do that!? What's wrong with you!?

DONUT: It's okay. I'll just focus myself on some other memory.

Time rewinds back to the moment Donut was shot. He collapses again, the events playing out exactly the same.

DONUT: Ahh!

SIMMONS: Donut?

DONUT: Still... getting the hang of it...

SIMMONS: DONUT, NOOOO! Donut, D–

Time rewinds and the scene plays out again.

DONUT: Oh, come on.

SIMMONS: Donut? DONUT, NOO–

The scene jumps to Temple's lair, many years later, while Doc is explaining the Blues and Reds to Simmons, Tucker, Donut, Dylan and Jax.

DOC: –they are the Fruit Loops, and you are just the "Generic Brand Sugar Rings".

Donut jumps into his body, and immediately doubles over in pain, groaning.

DOC: Donut? You okay?

DONUT: Just... a little... hemorrhage. (moans)

DOC: You have internal bleeding!?

DONUT: Blood's meant to be internal, right? So no biggie!

DOC: There's no bigger biggie! This is the biggest biggie that ever bigged!

DONUT: (standing up) Anyway, haha. Doc, that– that was a great thing, situation, or– and/or activity you were talking about.

DOC: Uh, what–

DONUT: But I have some important news! (looks up) Where am I? Temple's underwater base? Of course I am. Guys, this is life or death. I need you to listen.

DOC: I actually wasn't finished, but okay, whatever.

DONUT: Y'all! Gather round me, okay?

Nobody moves.

DONUT: ...Guys?

TUCKER: Nah.

DONUT: Nah?

TUCKER: I– I just value my time, Donut.

DONUT: What do you mean?

TUCKER: Every time you talk, it's like a buffet of sex gags. And today, I, me, Tucker, of all people, just do not have any more patience for innuendo.

DONUT: In-my-endo?

TUCKER: Ugh, see? That's exactly–

SIMMONS: Donut, what I think Tucker is saying is he'd like half as many entendres.

DONUT: I don't get it.

TUCKER: I wanna say "ambiguous", but that contains "big", "you" and "us", and I'm real nervous about what you'll do with it.

DONUT: I'm sure I don't know what you mean! Guys–

TUCKER: (aside to Simmons) Here it comes.

DONUT: We are inching towards an explosive climax!

TUCKER: That. That is what I mean.

DONUT: Fine! Gosh darn it, fine! I'm leaving!

TUCKER: Good! Go!

Donut leaves his past body, while everyone stares at him.

TUCKER: ...So?

PAST-DONUT: Hi!

TUCKER: But– are you...?

PAST-DONUT: Why's everyone looking at me? Is there something on my face? Is there a spider on me?

We cut to a scene back in Valhalla, while Washington and the Reds and Blues are about to decide to follow Carolina and Epsilon to the Freelancer facility.

GRIF: There's no way I'm giving up the Grifshot!

TUCKER: Oh, please. What were you gonna do, eat off it?

GRIF: Uh, actually, dickhead, I had Donut to mount it for me in the base.

Donut runs out from inside Red Base.

PAST-DONUT: And you know I can't resist–

Donut possesses his own body again, mid-sentence.

DONUT: –a good... mounting. Wow.

SIMMONS: You okay, man?

DONUT: Yeah. Just reliving every sentence I've ever said. (to himself) Huh. Tucker was right about me.

TUCKER: That's a good rule of thumb, actually.

DONUT: Anyway! Guys, listen! I've come... (deepening his voice) from the future!

WASHINGTON: ...Oooookay. What were we saying?

"A knifle." Ash states.

DONUT: Hey!

SARGE: Well I was gettin' into my plan for crashing the Freelancer facility! I seem to have lost my train of thought, Donut.

DONUT: Guys, I have something to tell you! Are you ready?

SARGE: I had a speech prepared and everything!

WASHINGTON: Yeah?

SARGE: Yeah, but it's gone.

WASHINGTON: Aw, go on, let's hear it!

SARGE: (chuckles) Well, okay. Lemme think here.

WASHINGTON: I'm sure it's gonna be great.

SARGE: Oh, stop it, you.

DONUT: Why does no-one listen to me!? You're listening to Wash, and he shot me!

Ash turns to Grif. "Since when do we listen to Donut?"

WASHINGTON: Heh, that– that was a long time ago.

DONUT: Multiple times! Today! I'm sorry. It's been a weird three minutes. I'm– I'm just gonna–

Donut leaves his past body once again. The scene shifts to Donut's play explaining the timeline to Tucker, after the Reds and Blues were supposedly thrown into the future. Ash is standing next toTucker.

PAST-DONUT: And, action!

SIMMONS: Greeting, weary traveler! We represent... the timeline!

SARGE: I am the past, where things cost less, and people knew the value of a hard day's work. But they only lived to be twenty-eight years old!

Donut possesses himself once more.

DONUT: Okay, let's try again. I'm from the future!

SIMMONS: Hey, that's my line!

"I knew Donut would somehow fuck this up." Ash states. "Actually I thought Grif would."

GRIF: And I'm the present, which sucks, because we have nothing cool, and also no morals.

DONUT: Guys, I have a message from the future.

You are reading story The Weapons Guy at novel35.com

SIMMONS: You're supposed to be the narrator, and I'm supposed to be from the future!

DONUT: No, I'm from the future!

SIMMONS: I'm from the future!

CABOOSE: (walking onstage) And I am Private Tucker enter stage left hello!

SARGE: I'll be in my trailer.

"This is the worst play... ever... of all time." Ash says. "And I've never seen any plays! That I know of."

DONUT: Sarge, just a sec! I now realize that at this very moment, right now, you are acting in a play to explain time travel to Tucker.

TUCKER: Oh, is that what this is?

DONUT: And maybe this is the worst moment in my entire life to attempt to explain this, but here goes! (deep breath) I am from several years from now in the future. That means I'm currently possessing a version of myself from several years ago. I can perceive multiple times at once, and move between them; maybe because I'm technically a creation of the time god Chrovos–

SARGE: Lord above.

DONUT: -who was a big heap of shiny cogs, or a big A.I. robot ball, not sure, but is now a big and sexy frightening lady!

TUCKER: I'm listening.

DONUT: Right now, you're reliving your lives, stuck in a period of fluid time I'm calling... the Everwhen. (eagle cry)

SIMMONS: The Everwhen?

DONUT: The Everwhen. (dramatic cymbals)

SIMMONS: Sounds like a Pearl Jam album.

SARGE: Hah, right. Or a Neil Gaiman novel. (chuckles) ...What, I read.

"Oh, oh, Am I awesome in the future?!" Ash asks.

GRIF: This sounds... believable to me for some reason.

DONUT: Yes! Thank you!

TUCKER: Are you high? Or an idiot?

GRIF: It just sounds familiar, okay? Besides, we do weird shit all the time. A bomb literally just blew us into the future.

DONUT: Actually, that's not true, but we won't learn about that for at least–

SARGE: Oh, Grif, you fat, fat-headed, fat-mouthed fatty! This is Donut we're talkin' about!

SIMMONS: Yeah, he's an unreliable narrator.

"He's like the ad section in a magazine." Ash says. "I'm kinda hungry... and I for some reason want pizza."

SARGE: The vegetarian option on the menu of life.

GRIF: Eugh, gross.

SARGE: He's like quinoa.

GRIF: You made your point.

DONUT: I'm not– guys, please. In this Everwhen, everything is happening at once, but you can't see that because you're stuck inside it! But if you can all realize that you're like, on rails, you could maybe get your future memories back and like, focus yourself into important times and places with me, and together we could stop Chrovos' grandson Genkins, the trickster god, from creating freaky alternate timelines that are breaking a magic glass wall in Chrovos' black hole space prison that–

Everyone is staring at him incredulously.

DONUT: You're never gonna believe me, are you.

SIMMONS: You are off-script, and you're ruining my life.

CABOOSE: Uh, if you are from the future, what am I thinking about... right... now?

DONUT: I don't know!

CABOOSE: Oh my God, I don't know either!

SARGE: Donut, I may not say this often enough, but... shut up forever.

DONUT: I know how it sounds!

SARGE: If you did, then you'd shut up!

DONUT: Sarge!

SARGE: Shut - and I cannot stress this enough - up!

DONUT: Why won't you give me a chance?

SARGE: I'm gonna answer your question with a question. Shut up?

DONUT: Sarge–

SARGE: Shut.

DONUT: I–

SARGE: up. (singsong) Shut shut shut, up up up!

DONUT: Argh!

SARGE: Shut up, Donut, shut up!

Donut leaves his body and the scene cuts back to Chrovos' prison. He steps out of the door to the time vortex, walking over to Chrovos.

CHROVOS: (laughing) And he came directly home.

DONUT: No! I got shot by Wash a couple more times!

CHROVOS: Either way, sterling work.

They step forward, revealing the cracked wall of their prison. Several more cracks have been created since Donut left.

CHROVOS: Here, see? The cracks are fine and small, but very much there. Teeny weeny paradoxes. What would I do without you? My hero.

DONUT: You're just being fake-nice to me to freak me out, and I wish you'd stop.

CHROVOS: You have me all wrong.

DONUT: I doubt it.

CHROVOS: Indulge me for a moment, Donut. Do you know how long an eon is? Simple question. Do you know how long an eon is? Scientifically speaking, Donut, it's a billion years. Twelve million mortal lives lived end-to-end. It's a wonder I remember my own name! I'm not being nice to freak you out, I'm just glad something's finally happening! (suddenly somber) ...Anything at all. Your attempts to contain me are– are useful, but all the same, I'd like you to stop. It pains me to see my champion so sad.

DONUT: Why won't they just listen to me?

CHROVOS: Darling, when have they ever? And even if they did, they're trapped. They don't perceive time as we do!

DONUT: So there's nothing I can do.

CHROVOS: No. I'm sorry.

DONUT: (distraught) You're gonna get free, and destroy everything.

CHROVOS: Un-make everything. But it won't hurt; I promise you that. Don't feel bad, my boy, you just have no distance left to run. Time became chaos from the second the paradox was created, backwards.

DONUT: And... after that?

CHROVOS: ...Hm?

DONUT: You said time's all weird from the paradox backwards. What about after the paradox? What's happening in that time?

CHROVOS: Oh. N–Nothing.

DONUT: Nothing?

CHROVOS: Oho, nothing worth mentioning! Two realities clumsily jostling for space where the paradox both did and didn't happen, where– where are you going?

Donut walks over to the Time-Portal Gun still laying discarded in front of Chrovos' prison.

DONUT: Nowhere. Just... stepping out.

CHROVOS: Donut.

DONUT: For a walk! Outside of the Everwhen!

CHROVOS: Are you listening?

Donut picks up the gun.

DONUT: Haha, yeah, I know, right?

CHROVOS: Put that down.

DONUT: (smugly) Do you not want me to go to the time after the paradox, Chrovos?

CHROVOS: (forcing laughter) Oh, it's chaos! Two realities at once!?

DONUT: One where Wash was shot, and one where he wasn't?

CHROVOS: E-Exactly! Precisely!

DONUT: And right there between them, a guy who both was, and wasn't, shot. A person outside of time, like us. Right?

Chrovos doesn't say anything. Donut turns and opens up a time-portal in the ground.

DONUT: That's what I thought.

CHROVOS: (stuttering) D-Donut, hold on, wait, wait, don't–

Donut leaves through the portal. Chrovos moves to go over and stop him, but is stopped by the temporary barrier.

CHROVOS: Agh, damn it!

Donut arrives in a quiet canyon on Chorus.

DONUT: Hello Chorus! Wash! Agent Washington!? Yoo-hoo! Uh... David? Ugh. I know Wash would've gone to Chorus. I guess he's just not in this canyon. ...Welp. Ready to search an entire planet, Donut? I sure am!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

10-15-2022

1931 words

You can find story with these keywords: The Weapons Guy, Read The Weapons Guy, The Weapons Guy novel, The Weapons Guy book, The Weapons Guy story, The Weapons Guy full, The Weapons Guy Latest Chapter