Chapter 33: Dealer Incentive

At Red Base, Sarge, Ash, Grif and Simmons are on top.

Suddenly they hear Tucker's voice yell to them. "Hello inferior Red Squad!"

Then they hear Church's voice yelling. "We would like to talk to you about-"

"Sneak attack!" Caboose yells.

Ash looks out to see Donut, Tucker and Caboose.

"What the-" Sarge notices Donut among the Blues. "Donut! What is this!?"

"We, Uh, I mean, they, would like to negotiate a surrender to us." Donut? yells. "No, to them. No, wait, no, no that's right. To them. To us."

"What's this business?" Sarge says to his team. "The Blues are giving up? I smell a trap. or a rat. or a rat in a trap. Don't accept it, Simmons."

"You can't surrender, Blues, we haven't attacked you!" Simmons yells. "Now go home and wait for us to attack, then you can surrender."

"Yeah, some of us actually have stuff to work on." Ash yells.

Grif turns to them. "Wait, if we accept, that means we would have two surrenders and they would have none. That means we win!"

Simmons turns to Grif. "Win what?"

"I-I don't know, the war or something. Right?"

"You're an idiot."

Then Donut? yells again. "In exchange for not killing us, they, them, we, they would like to release the robot guy and me." Donut looks to Tucker then back to the reds then to Tucker and back again. "The pink guy."

"What should we do, sir?" Simmons asks Sarge.

"I'm torn between my intense distrust of the Blue team and the need for the plans stored in my favorite robotic creation." It's silent for a few moments. "No offense, Simmons."

"None taken, sir. You removed the negative emotional center of my brain and implanted it in Grif."

Grif cries. "No, I can't.... I just can't take this, we're all gonna die! Oooh..."

"If we're gonna die." Ash begins. "I'm taking everyone with me.

Simmons picks up the sniper rifle and shots Tucker.

"Oh, mother fucker!" Tucker yells.

"Okay, now you're under attack." Simmons yells. "Go ahead and surrender, bitch!"

"Nice thinking, Simmons." Sarge compliments. 

"The humanity!" Grif shouts.

"Dibs on shooting the next Blue." Ash says.

Donut? Yells. "Alright, they surrender!"

"Now that you have been thoroughly humiliated by our superior military strategy," Sarge starts. "we demand the return of our robot and our pink private!"

"Okay, but there's one catch!" Donut? yells.

"What in Chinola?" Sarge is confused. 

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Donut? continues. "Sarge, they want you to build two robots for their team. One for each prisoner that they're releasing."

"Hey, that wasn't part of the deal!" Simmons yells.

"Why exactly are we negotiating with Donut?" Grif asks.

"Can we just blow them up?" Ash asks.

"No." Sarge says, and he looks back to the Blues. "Alright, you Blue scum suckers! What robot models did you have in mind?"

"I guess make 'em just like Lopez! Except, you know, just a shell, no intelligence! Oh, and no Spanish! And a bigger switch!" Donut? yells.

"Okay, we got a deal! Meet us in the center of the canyon at 0600 and we'll make the exchange." Sarge yells.

"Deal!" Donut yells.

A few minutes later

"Oh, Blue team!" Sarge yells. "Before you go, maybe we should talk about optional equipment on your new robots."

"What optional equipment? Tucker asks.

"All you said you wanted was a body, we didn't talk about features."

"Like what?" Tucker asks.

"You know, undercoating, extended warranty, features, man, come on." Sarge says. "Like, do you want them to be able to use both arms at once?"

"Or course."

"Asynchronous arm movement is optional!"

"What? Oh, man, I told Church they would try to screw us! What about the feet?" Tucker asks.

"Did you want feet?"

"Yeah, we want feet!"

"Sorry, feet are optional."

"What's on the bottom of its legs?" Tucker asks.

"Legs are optional." Sarge says.

"Man, what a rip off."

"Options are optional."

"What isn't optional?" Tucker asks.

"You look like a nice guy, don't worry, we'll work something out." Sarge yells. "Have you thought about financing? How's your credit? I can offer you a free set of high quality mud flaps. And a lube job. You won't be disappointed! I've been told my lube jobs are fantastic!" 

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06-29-2022

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