Chapter 75: In Memoriam

Ash is off to the side and there are three grenades on the ground next to him. Each of the grenades has a little bow-tie."

"And now, Grif has asked to say a few things about our beloved Sarge." Simmons says.

"Hey, everybody, it's great to be here." Grif starts. "Well, what can I say about a guy like Sarge? I mean - besides 'good riddance'. Heyooo."

Grif continues. "But, seriously - Sarge lived a great life. And now that he's dead - our lives are pretty good too! Zing! Hahaha... you know what I'm talking about."

"Come on, is this a remembrance or a roast?" Sarge complains.

"Quiet in the front row." Grif says. "And I'm not asking - and he's not telling. But I heard when Donut first came to the base, Sarge spent a lot of time talking about 'glazed donut holes, if you know what I mean. Hiyoooo!"

"TOO SOON!" Simmons yells.

"Hey now..."

"This is the worst funeral I've ever had." Sarge says.

"Yeah!" Ash yells. "Battye Bombs, Citron Foug and  Sigwart, are not happy!"

The three grenades on the ground next to Ash now have frowny faces drawn on them.

"Don't worry, sir." Simmons says. "I've written a stirring speech that is sure to tug at everyone's heartstrings."

"Good to hear it." Sarge says. "Now get with the eulogising."

"On it sir." Simmons walks off.

Grif continues. "And who could forget the time Sarge showed us all how to field-strip Simmons?"

"Ok, that's enough, I said five minutes, Grif." Simmons says.

"Bye everybody." Grif starts. "I'll be appearing at the laugh cavern every Tuesday. Ladies drink free."

"Woohoo!" Sister shouts.

Grif looks to her. "Not you."

"Awww."

"Ok, whatever, get off." Simmons orders Grif.

Grif walks off.

Simmons turns to the crowd. "Hello, everyone. I'm here to say a few words about our friend, Sarge."

"Boo, you suck." Grif boos.

Simmons turns to his side. "Grif, get off the stage!"

"Uh sorry." Grif walks away.

Simmons continues. "Ok, like I was saying, I'm here to say a few words about Sarge."

"Boo! You SUCK!" Grif yells.

"As you all know, Sarge was a magnificent leader and he was a great inspiration to all his troops."

Sarge is sobbing. "Simmons is right - this is so emotional. Where's my hanky?"

Ash sniffs. The three grenades next to him have crying faces drawn on them.

Simmons continues. "He was a man of honor, discipline, and character."

"It's like he's saying what we're all thinking." Sarge says while he's crying.

Grif speaks up. "If he was saying what I'm thinking, he'd be yawning..."

Simmons continues. "But perhaps his greatest accomplishment as a military man."

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"Tell it!" Sarge yells.

"And a friend,"

"Preach all, preach all!"

"Was developing my considerable skills as a soldier and a leader."

"What?" Sarge is now confused.

"As you all know, Sarge's untimely demise leaves a gap in our command structure. A gap that is best filled by Sarge's right hand man. A man that has a vision for the Red team!"

Grif looks at Sarge. "Sarge, is - is he campaigning for your job AT your funeral? Classic."

"What the hell?" Ash is confused.

The three grenades have confused faces drawn on them.

Simmons continues his speech. "The Red army is faced with a difficult choice. The choice of 'who will lead us to glorious victory?' Let's hope they choose a great candidate. A candidate whose armor is actually a shade of red and not insane. Sarge would have wanted it that way. Choose Simmons - It's the only thing Sarge did in life, so don't let his whole existence be in vain. Enclosing - somebody died. Vote for me."

"Awesome speech!" Grif says sarcastically.

Battye bombs has a frowny face drawn onto it. Citron Foug has an angry face as he is faced towards Sigwart, who is holding a 'vote for Simmons' sign.

"Is this the kind of thing you guys do all day?" Sister asks Grif.

Grif looks at her. "Pretty much. Just run with it - it's the only thing that keeps you from going insane from boredom. Other than watching Ash fail at making things."

"Up yours!" Ash yells at Grif.

"Yeah..." Sister starts. "Or we could raid the medical supplies for morphine?"

"Yeah....wait, what?" Grif asks.

"Hey, Sister, you're up." Simmons says.

"Awesome!" Sister walks over to the stage and Simmons walks off.

"Oo, oo, oo,  can I go again?!" Grif asks. "I just though of a swear word that rhymes with 'Kentucky!'"

"Couldn't even wait for me to be buried, could you?" Sarge asks Simmons.

"Your death was in the past, Sarge." Simmons starts. "And we need to look to the future - a future filled with Simmons."

"Hey, everybody...um.." Sister starts. "I'm new here and I didn't know Sergeant very well but... he was really old, and that's gross."

"Haha - I wrote that line." Grif tells the others.

"Grif, let other people have the spotlight for once." Simmons says.

Sister continues. "Anyway - when you're old and gross, you're probably going to die and that's kind of sad, but when you think about it, all your friends are probably dead, too. And if they're not, then they're definitely old and knowing old people is even sadder than being dead. So, anyway, whatever - peace out."

Simmons turns to Ash. "It's your turn."

Ash looks to the sky.

"Ash?" Simmons asks.

"Look up." Ash says.

Everyone looks up to see a big rocket flying across the sky and there's a banger behind it that says 'RIP Sarge'.

"When did you have time to make that?" Grif asks Ash.

Ash turns to Grif. "Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer too."

"This is a miserable excuse for a ceremony." Sarge says. "Where's the flag folding? Where's the 21 gun salute?"

Simmons turns to Sarge. "Sir - the flag is an important part of our inventory. We can't just go around having impromptu foldings because we feel like it."

"And I was in charge of the 21 gun salute." Grif says. "Unfortunately, we don't have 21 guns. So you'll have to settle for what I call the 'double bun' salute. Starts in just a few moments."

Sarge groans. "I'll just get in my grave now." Sarge walks over to the grave.

"Yeah, maybe that's for the best, sir." Simmons says.

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07-04-2022

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