Chapter 149: What It Means To Be Strong

(From Blue's Perspective)

I had no idea that he had that kind of family. When his mother told me about his father, I thought she was really happy. But I had no idea it was all a delusion. 

"Your Highness! Are you alright?" 

I looked towards the door hearing Perita's voice. Ruby was massaging my shoulders. I did not get down from the bed at all since I was too lazy. 

"Oh, Perita! Ruby is giving me a massage," I said. "My shoulders are kinda stiff."

Perita sat in front of me on the bed and started massaging my palms. Her hands were not soft like usual girls, rather they felt very strong. 

'So cool...'

"Does it feel good doing it?" Perita asked.

"Doing what?" I asked. 

"Uh, having sex?" 

I was flushed red, hearing it. Ruby was laughing as well. But Perita had a serious look on her face. 

"Yeah, it's good," I said. "But I prefer calling it making love."

"Aren't they the same thing?" she asked. 

"If you think about the task, yeah, it's the same," I said. "But well, you can have sex with anyone. It can be a one-night stand as well. But you can make love to someone only if you love them."

It was very difficult to describe. While making love, along with two bodies, two souls connected as well. The mixed heartbeat, the sweaty bodies, the sweet whispers, and the labored breathing- everything felt divine. Anyone could have sex with someone to satisfy their physical needs. But making love was possible when there was a mental connection along with the physical.

"Then does Your Highness feel like doing it?" Perita asked.

"Why is Perita asking such indecent questions to Her Highness?" Ruby asked a bit angrily.

"It's alright. I don't mind answering," I said. "Well, yeah, I do. That's why I do it."

"So, Your Highness does it because you feel like it? Then what about when His Highness would feel like it, but Your Highness won't?" 

"It depends on the situation. If I really can't, perhaps I will help him in another way or something. Or perhaps I will try to do it," I said. "The same goes for him."

'Though it never happened before that I wanted to do it and he didn't... He always wants to do it.'

"But why does Your Highness want to do it?"

"Isn't it natural to want to do it with the person I love?"

"Then perhaps I am the abnormal one," she sighed. 

"Why are you saying that?" I asked.

"I don't know... I can't feel that way towards anyone and I find it... gross," she mumbled. 

"Gross?" Ruby muttered, surprised. 

"Yeah, it's like... too gross."

"Well, it's actually pretty rare that anyone would feel this way. But you don't have to call yourself abnormal for that. It's not an obligation. If you want to do it, it's your choice and if you don't, that's your choice as well. So, just chill, Perita. It's fine," I said. "Just enjoy yourself and do what you like."

"Your Highness!" Perita suddenly hugged me. "You're amazing!"

Ruby chuckled from behind as well. "By the way, I think His Highness's braiding skill is improving more and more. Today's one is better than I do," she said. 

"His Highness braided Her Highness's hair?" Perita asked, touching the braid in surprise. 

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"Yes, he does it a lot," Ruby said. "His Highness made me teach him how to braid hair, so he could braid Her Highness's hair."

"Does His Highness like Her Highness's hair?" Perita asked.

'He just loves touching me, that's all. Well, perhaps he does like my hair... I remember him mentioning this once.'

"Well, yes...," I muttered. "Anyway, Dem said that I should get ready by five, so we can go to meet the knights."

"Finally, the time to brag has come," Perita muttered proudly. 

"Right? I brag about my position to other maids as well," Ruby said. Perhaps it was the first time they truly agreed on something. "I suggest you make a sketch of their faces when you tell them about your exclusive position."

They were both too happy to work exclusively under me. It felt very unreal to me. For someone like me, why would they be so happy? I could not even do a remarkable job as the queen. 

I was always sick, these days as well. But they behaved as if I was the best queen possible. Sometimes, I felt guilty for no reason at all. It was as if I was taking credit for something I had not even done.

Ruby helped me get ready. I wore a black dress with a lacy front and a boat neck. It was tight around my waist with a flowy downer part. 

"It has diamonds as well...," I sighed. "It's not needed though..."

"But it looks beautiful," Ruby said. "That's all matters, Your Highness."

"I agree with Her Highness. It's excessive and unnecessary," Perita nodded.

"Right? I know, right?" I said eagerly, looking at her. "It's totally excessive and a waste of money."

"But Your Highness and His Highness have a lot of money. It doesn't matter if it's spent on this puny thing," Ruby said. 

'Puny? A good one, Ruby! The joke was amazing... But the most amazing joke is that she is not even joking...'

"Perita, what if I cut my hair that much?" I asked. "Like your hair?"

"Your Highness can do it!" she exclaimed excitedly. "I can guarantee full comfort and no need to pay extra attention to hair! That's why I keep my hair like this. It's really comfortable and amazing."

"No, Your Highness. Please don't cut your hair like this," Ruby said. 

"But it's cool. Perita looks really cool and powerful," I said. "I don't know if I will look as good as her. But at least, I will feel cool."

"But a queen with short hair...," Ruby mumbled. 

"... is still a queen," Perita finished for her. "I suggest Your Highness do whatever Your Highness wants to. It's Your Highness's life, so you have the full right to live as you desire. Besides, we live only once, right? So, we better live life to the fullest while we still have time."

I actually quite liked Perita's spirit a lot. She was the definition of a strong and independent woman who did not give a damn about anyone else. She did her duty well and followed her dreams unlike me who did not have much of a dream. Looking at her sometimes made me feel useless. She was very cool and even her thoughts were amazing. She stated her doubts or thoughts without hesitation. That was the thing I liked most about her. 

I wished I could be at least half as strong as her. I was too vulnerable and needed constant care. 

"Perita, when I get better, I mean, if I get better, you will teach me swordsmanship," I said. I could not change who I was, nor could I reminisce about the past or be sad because I was like the way I was. But I surely could improve. And that was what I was going to try. The moment I would feel proud of myself, that would be the time I would be a real woman.

"Me?" Perita asked, pointing a finger at herself.

"Of course," I said determinedly. "You will teach me as strictly as possible and turn me into a strong woman."

"But Your Highness is already very strong," she said. "Don't make that face, Your Highness. I am not lying. Being strong doesn't mean physically only. Your Highness is mentally strong and can hold on pretty well. I heard that in the human world, killing someone is a crime. And if someone is not pretty unfortunate, they never witness someone getting killed. For someone who has never seen it, Your Highness held up pretty well today. I thought Your Highness would faint or scream. But even now, it doesn't seem like Your Highness is too scared."

'It's true that I was scared that time. But yeah, for some reason, I am not as scared as before.'

"And normal people would get scared or cry senseless hearing that there is a high chance that they might die. But Your Highness is not reacting like that at all. Rather, you're more absorbed in living each day. I can't help but respect Your Highness about this," she said. 

Not many people knew about my pregnancy. Dem knew because he was my husband. He would obviously know. But Mother did not know. Dem said that it would be better if we told her later. For some reason, he was reluctant to let her know. Evelyn, Demetrius's sister, did not know as well. She was away with her family, traveling. Luc knew because he was part of our private circle and he was also a very important person who knew about the whole situation besides Dem and me. Ruby was my personal maid, so she knew about it and she took care of me remembering that as well. The Imperial doctor and some other doctors knew. But Dem made sure that the information was not leaked. I did not know how he was going to do it, but he told me to trust him about this one. And Perita knew since she was my personal knight. 

But hearing her praise me actually made me feel a bit better.

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