Chapter 51: A proof of humanity

The door closes before me, and it takes me a whole second to realize what just happened.

How does Kalakuna know the name Ishqam gave me?!

Was I being observed all this time? What is the extend of his knowledge? Does my brother know as well?

Did they come to get me back because they heard everything and feared that I was changing camps?

Was it all an excuse?

But then how to explain my brother’s behavior? Why does he still act as always?

Crushed with all those questions, I walk in the dormitory’s hallway.

Normally, Lieutenants sleep in separate rooms, but since I’m a special case and there is no spare room for me, one of them has volunteered to let me sleep in their room.

The bedrooms are quite small and contain normally just a bathroom, a desk, a drawer, and a bed for a single person; but ours was changed for one of the bunk beds from the Privates’ dormitories, who sleep at four to six in the same rooms. The bathroom is very limited with only a toilet, a sink and a shower, but it’s a bliss in comparison to the conditions the people from the settlement lived in; and I’m impatient to wash myself.

Considering how late it is, I slowly open the door as to not make a sound, but it is so badly greased that it makes an uncontrollable shriek.

A male voice yawns loudly in response. “Uwah, you’re back already?”

It is the 2^nd Lieutenant Crowsclaws, who is lying on his bed, the face solely illuminated by the light that comes from his smartphone, which he plays video games on.

“Yes, good evening, 2^nd Lieutenant.” I respond.

He gives me a look and laughs. “What the heck are these clothes? It fits you well!”

“Hmm. I found them during my mission.”

“That’s cool. I only ever found boring clothes during my missions. Most of the time they’re spotted with bullet holes or completely burnt. You’re quite lucky~.”

A little tired, I sit on the desk’s small chair that is lying on the left of the bunk bed.

The 2^nd Lieutenant always sleeps with his body facing the door. He says that’s basic survival necessity, and convinced me to do the same. Therefore, the desk is in his back and I can speak without him looking at my face. Not because I dislike him, but because I think his gaze will make me feel a sense of guilt.

“Someone gave them to me.”

Crowsclaws stops pressing the buttons on his screen and looks in the vague. “That’s even more lucky, you should cherish it.”

“Yeah…” That person, during the two days that we met, has done more in my life than any other.

She gave me food, shelter, and treated me like her daughter. She scolded me and praised me, she protected me, and died for me.

In comparison, when I look at my brother, it all seems artificial. He gives me food and shelter, but he also hurts me. He praises and protects me, but he will never die for me…

My throat hurts…

“Go to hell…” I whisper.

Go to hell, Ishqam. Go to hell, Rohini. Go to hell, Nila. Go to hell, Nimrit. Go to hell, Anhad. Go to hell Nala.

Go to hell Gini.

Go to hell, all of you, for showing me a glimpse of happiness!

Go to hell, for showing me that a better world exists!

Go to hell, for telling me that I have a place in this world!

Go to hell! Go to hell! Go to hell! Go to hell!

Go to hell, you and all your happiness!

Regaining slowly the control of my emotions, I finally notice that I’m sobbing abundantly.

The 2^nd Lieutenant stands up slowly from his bed and hands me a bag of tissues. His scarred face gently smiling at me.

But I push it away. “Go to hell, you too!” I cry. “I know you’re only nice to me because my bro—the Major asked you to be!”

The 2^nd Lieutenant moves his hand to touch me but, in a moment of hesitation, refrains from it.

“Come on, Snakey, don’t be sad. You should take a shower and you’ll feel brand new.”

I snort and shake my head. My words transform into hiccups. “N—hic—not—hic—ow—I—”

The 2^nd Lieutenant sighs, and scratches his head. “You’re giving me a hard time, Snakey… I never had children… Ahh, what should I do? Should I call the Major?”

“NO!”

He puts a finger to his lips and whispers: “Shhh. Don’t scream! It’s late!”

I look on the side. My sobbing won’t stop.

“Alright.” He crouches in front of me. “Why don’t you tell me why you’re crying? Maybe we can do something. Did someone bully you?”

I shake my head again.

“Was it something during your mission, then? Ahhh…” He seems to realize something. “You saw the outside world…”

I snort as a response.

“I think I get it… Well, it’s true they’re not the luckiest people out there, but I guess it’s still better than you… Ah no, please don’t take it badly. I didn’t mean to belittle you—”

“No!” I weep. “It’s not—hic—about me!”

“It’s not about you… Was it the person who gave you the clothes? Did you like them?”

I nod energetically. “I said—hic—I didn’t deserve—hic—she said—hic—that nobody deserved—anything!”

“You think you don’t deserve the clothes?”

I nod again, covering my face with my two hands.

I know that confessing to this person is a mistake, that everybody here is my enemy, even my brother…

I know it, and yet…

“I think you deserve them, though.”

My hiccups calm a little and look at him, surprised by this response.

“I mean, if I were her, I would probably think you deserve them. She wouldn’t have given them if she believed you didn’t, don’t you think so? Or did you steal them?”

I shake my head.

“See, then it’s settled.”

I shake my head again. “But now she’s dead!” I cry.

“Snakey… Is it the first time someone you like died…?”

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A sudden realization strikes me.

I have killed so many people, and yet, this death is the first that moves me…

“This grief is something everybody goes through at some point. Everybody is going to die, so you’re bound to see people you like die before you. And to live with this pain is what we all do. You won’t ever heal totally from it, but you can make it a strength of your own. For example, I use it to keep fighting. This pain is the reason why most of us are here, you know? Defending the country, our honor, etc. That’s just bullshit we make up. We’re just here to let off steam. We’re all trying to make up for someone we lost. Be glad of those feelings in your heart, Snakey. They’re the proof that you’re human.”

Hearing those words, I weep anew, as if I wanted Ishqam to hear it.

This pain is the proof that I’m human.

 

After having sobbed my eyes out and taken a refreshing shower, I finally climb on the bunk bed’s ladder and dive in my blanket.

I have to get some sleep, but the last thing 1^st Lieutenant Kalakuna said enters my mind again.

‘Goodnight, Gini.’

Tomorrow, I’ll need to figure out what he meant by that, what’s the extent of his knowledge, and most importantly, if my brother knows it or not.

I close my eyes and fall asleep quickly.

Drained by all those emotions, I wake up more than 12 hours later, way past noon, as if I get out of a coma.

Considering how eventful yesterday was and the fact I didn’t sleep the night before, this result doesn’t appear as a surprise to me.

I’m impressed even the deafening morning bugle couldn’t take me out of my slumber, though.

Of course, the 2^nd Lieutenant is already away. I remember how he used to wake me up rather harshly sometimes, but he probably took yesterday’s scene into consideration and gave me some respite.

I go down the bunk bed’s ladder and take a minute pondering whether I should wear Ishqam’s clothes or my uniform.

I decide to fold Ishqam’s clothes properly. I don’t want them to get dirtier.

I would hate myself if I ruined them, so I wear the uniform that is a little too big for me.

It was even worse when I was younger, but now it almost fits me. There is no child-sized military uniform in this camp after all.

I walk out of the room and notice some agitation in the cafeteria.

This is also one of the privileges from sleeping in the Lieutenants’ quarters.

In the cafeteria, the Lieutenant Parrot and the Lieutenant Swallow are merrily chatting around a cup of coffee. They laugh brightly when they see me enter.

“Oh my, what an early bird! I didn’t know you were back, Snakey!”

“Good morning, or good noon? Hahaha.”

I don’t react at their childish teasing and just pick up the milk from the fridge with a “Hello.”

The Lieutenants are two very simple women and I don’t want to have anything to do with them.

“How grumpy, as always!”

“We didn’t miss you, Snakey. Hihihi.”

I silently pick up a dark chocolate bar and split it in two. I put half of it in a pan and let it melt slowly. When the chocolate has totally melted, I pour some milk in and blend it together, and when the drink is an acceptable heat, I pour it in a mug and sip in on the table.

The two Lieutenants got tired of me ignoring them and go back to share strangely entertaining gossip on the camp.

By listening to them, I somehow get some news on what I missed.

“Do you know what happened to Robin? I saw her this morning and she was BOILING!”

“Yeah, they said they’re going to demote her.”

“What? Who said that?”

“The 1^st Lieutenant Kalakuna. He actually caught her eating snacks again.”

“I didn’t think we could get demoted for eating snacks!”

“Nah, they said it’s because 5 Privates are missing because of her. Or was it 6? I forgot.”

“What, seriously?! I can’t believe this.”

“It’s true, though. They apparently had a meeting with her this morning, and they’re going to take a decision soon.”

“A meeting with the Major?!”

“Yeah, shit is serious.”

“Damn! Is she going in martial court?”

“Maybe… I don’t know… Probably.”

“That means she won’t get demoted, she’ll get suspended!”

“Hey, I don’t know all the details, okay? How about we talk about the Corporal Liz from Crowsclaws’ squad’s broken tooth? She looks so stupid, hahaha!”

I stop listening; I got the most interesting information.

Pleased by how much trouble Robin put herself into, I finish my drink with a big smile on my face.

Unfortunately, Parrot notices it and feels the absolute need to comment: “Wow, look! The Snake is smiling!! Isn’t that a bad omen?”

“Hihihi, crazy~!”

My smile fades. Of course, they had to ruin my fun. Don’t you have stuff to do, or did you enroll in the army to chat and make fun of others?!

Well, I have some business with the 1^st Lieutenant Kalakuna, anyway, so I stand from the table but…

As sudden as unexpected, a loud screeching enters my ear.

I have the useless reflex of blocking my ears, which makes me drop the mug that splashes on the ground; I fall on my knees before the gasps of the two windbags.

I moan inaudibly.

The pain is so strong that I am surprised I do not feel some blood running out of my ears.

The pain lasts a few seconds, while the Lieutenant argue whether I should be carried to the infirmary or if they should bring the nurse, but doing nothing.

I get back on my legs. “I’m good. I’ll clean don’t worry. Please, let me do it. Yes, I’ll go to the infirmary later.”

The Lieutenants get out of my way and I pick up the broom from behind the fridge, but the voice of a familiar and cheerful girl resonates in my skull.

“Hey there, Gini! Can you hear me? It’s me! Rohini!!”

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