Chapter 1: 1: Lost

Content warnings: Trans experiences and Car accident

Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be someone else? Or to feel like that person is more “you” than your own body? I’ve had those thoughts my entire life. Dreams of what it might be like to be a different person. Not this “young man” the world sees me as but the woman that I want to be-

No. That I am. The woman that I am. Stop telling yourself that girl, stay positive. You already are a girl, even if people don’t see you as one. What time is it? I’m still laying in bed, woken up from another one of those dreams where I was just another girl, in a world of sword and sorcery of my own imagination. Where I had parents that loved me, friends that supported me, and I could just be myself. If only I could remember what my name was in those dreams. It was so beautiful. I couldn’t think of any other names because that single one haunted me in my dreams. My name. 

I checked my phone, it’s still a little bit before my alarm was meant to go off, at 9:30. Makes sense since I went to bed early last night, exhausted from an exam the day before. Since I have enough time before class, I might as well shower and get breakfast at the dining hall. I look over to my roommate’s side of the dorm and see him typing away at his desk. “‘Mornin’ Troy.” I say in a tired voice and cringe, it sounds far deeper than I would’ve liked to hear.

“Morning John! Did you sleep well?” Damn he’s in high spirits. Curse morning people. His smile was kind of adorable though, with his short blonde hair and brown eyes curving upwards with his dimples. I’m 90% sure I’m a lesbian, but damn he’s cute. Almost makes up for the pain of hearing my boy name. His smile turned to a frown. “Your face is red, are you feeling ok?”

 Oh god I’m blushing. Uhm, uh, words, English, “Uh- yeah! Fine, great, yup! Slept well! How are you?!” Nailed it girl. Nailed it!

“Oookay? I slept well too. What are your plans for the day?”

“Breakfast since I woke up early and then class, so pretty much the usual.” I swallowed hard and summoned up the tiny bits of extroversion deep within me. “Wanna come with me to Breakfast?”

“Ah sorry dude, I’ve got too much work to do. You have fun though, I heard they’re serving waffles today.” Oh fuck yes, I love waffles. Who cares about healthy and nutritious breakfasts when you can cook dough and cover it in unhealthy amounts of maple syrup. 

“Oh nice! I should… probably get out of bed then.”

“GL with that.” He turned back to his laptop and put his headphones back on, immediately typing away at his keyboard again. Part of me wants to just say it out loud, that I’m actually a girl, but another part of me is freezing up at even the thought of it. My heart is speeding up in panic over the prospect. I shake my head. Not now girl, wait until you can get on hrt. 

I climb out of my lofted bed, careful not to slip down the wooden ladder, just another thing to get anxious over within the 5 minutes I’ve been awake. I’m never sleeping in a lofted bed ever again after this year. I’d rather die, thank you very much! Time for clothes. In my drawer is… sweatpants and hoodies. Only sweatpants and hoodies. All of them. Why? Because I hate my body so much I’d like to hide every little crease of it from the world, even in the summer. I sigh and step out of my pajamas, making sure that Troy was still turned around. He may not know it, but he’s a 180 degree turn from seeing a half naked woman in boxers. Even if she looks nothing like a woman… ugh. I ignore the empty, all encompassing feeling of dysphoria creeping up on my thoughts and quickly dress in my armor of loose gray sweatpants and a black hoodie.

You are a girl. You are a girl. Remember that, hold onto it, don’t let anyone, even your own brain, take that away from you. Ok. Good to go. I slip on my messenger bag, the closest thing I have to a purse, and slip my phone, wallet, headphones, and relevant schoolwork into it. Sure I have pockets, but I hate using them. Not because it’s dysphoric to have pockets or anything- well, maybe a little, but more because my damn shit falls out of them all the time. I much prefer to have a bag on me that I can zip up and keep around my shoulder at all hours of the day. Safe and secure. 

I step up to the mirror and brush my hair, still at the awkward stage of growing it out where it’s not quite long enough to be pretty but not quite short enough to look good in its own way. Sigh. Time to go. 

I wave at Troy, still typing up a storm at his computer, and he awkwardly slipped his headphones onto his shoulders. “Heading out?”

“Yup, I’ll see you later.” 

He began to reach for his headphones again. “Alright, see you-”

“Um- wait, just wanted to ask, could I tell you something tonight? Something important?”

“Just tell me now bro, you know I hate suspense.”

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“Well it’s a little hard to say succinctly-”

“Just give me the big thing and then we can talk more tonight.”

My heart was mercilessly pounding in my chest. Just say it lady! 

“I’m a girl!” I say loudly, quickly covering my own mouth at the volume.

“Oh- OH, ohhhh god I’m so sorry for forcing that out of you that was way more important than I thought it’d be.” He got up from his chair and slipped me into a hug. I’m shorter than him by a few inches, so I just let myself dig my head into his chest. “That makes way too much sense in retrospect.” He brushed his fingers through my hair, probably because he could feel how fast my heart was beating and wanted to calm me down. 

“I just wanted to tell you really badly. I was gonna wait for my HRT appointment next Friday first but I just couldn’t hold it in anymore.”

“You’re ok. Do you have a name in mind?”

I thought back to my dreams really hard and heard the sound of my “father” from them. Our beautiful daughter, our beautiful Aria… that was it! That was my name! 

I pulled myself away from him for a moment and looked into his eyes. God he was beautiful. My heart, that finally began to slow down, began to speed up again, for a very different reason. Not now Aria. Wow that feels good to think. Aria, Aria, Aria. I felt myself begin to smile a little. “My name is Aria.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Aria.” Oh god I’m melting. Is this what melting feels like? I’m going to die from happiness right now. “Damn that’s a beautiful name, how’d you come up with it?”

“From a dream, actually. It’s this weird, recurring dream that I’ve had for years that’s super realistic, where I’m in this whole other world straight out of some fantasy book and I’m a young girl named Aria. It’s sorta like my happy place.”

“You’re kinda cute when you sound excited.” He said with this really cool voice and a little grin. God does he know what that does to me? My face feels like it’s on fire.

“I uh, uhm, uh, I should- go to breakfast now! Yeah, breakfast! I’ll see you tonight!” I just about bolted out of the door. I swear he was giggling the moment the door closed. Little shit. Love him. 

I made my way down the stairs, humming one of my favorite songs the whole way. That went so much better than I expected it to, oh my god. Finally, something goes right in this shitty life of mine. I actually have a future to look forward to, with hrt on the horizon and one of my best friends (and possibly crush) being extremely accepting. 

Oh yeah, and I HAVE MY NAME NOW!!! Aria, Ariaaaaaa, oh it feels so right. Why are people looking at me weirdly? Oh, I’m smiling like an idiot, that’s why. I try to force my usual blank expression back on my face, disappointed that it was easier than I expected it to be. Ah, well, I’m sure I’ll be smiling so much it’ll be stuck soon enough.

The dining hall wasn’t far from the dorm building, just a few streets really. It’s cold as hell today, even for December standards, so I’m glad I’m wearing my usual warm ass clothes, even if I’m a furnace anyway. My day has barely begun, and for once, everything is going right. 

I begin to cross the street at a stop light, so lost in my thoughts I don’t even notice the car barreling past the red light, killing me instantly. 

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