Together Forever
The Person I Like (1)
This was his first Christmas Eve in Shanghai.
Although he had grown up in a Catholic school system, this was only because the teaching in it was more strict and rigorous and not because he was a true Catholic. Gu Pingfan, on the other hand, was a devout believer through and through, and tonight, she would most certainly be going to church to celebrate Midnight Mass. Hence, he had very early on arranged a time with Gu Pingfan to go shopping together.
But, he had not expected that there would be so many people.
Looking around at all the young women’s fashions that were near and far, Gu Pingfan asked somewhat uncomprehendingly, “What are you here to buy?”
He pondered momentarily. “Young women’s clothing.”
Gu Pingfan’s eyes swept him up and down. Just as she was about to throw out a couple of mocking sentences, she suddenly understood. “It’s for that student of yours? Tong Yan?” While she was speaking, she stepped out of the way of several girls who looked to be students.
“Your build is really similar to hers, and your taste is also passable …” He did not deny anything and merely felt that, standing here among this crowded swarm of young women, he seemed to stick out. “Help me buy some clothing that would be fitting. I want to give them to her as a Christmas present.” Raising his arm, he glanced at his watch. “I’ll wait for you in the Coffee Bean downstairs. Twenty minutes?”
On the surface, he seemed to be asking for a favour and his tone was gracious and courteous, but it left absolutely no opportunity for refusal.
Gu Pingfan was accustomed to this manner of his that he had always had since he was a child. She could not even be bothered to say anything and instead, proceeded directly to dutifully force her way into the horde. He went downstairs to the Coffee Bean, which was also packed with people, and ordered a cup of Earl Grey tea.
Luck was on his side for when the tea was ready and carried out, there happened to be someone in the corner leaving. Near him, a young couple wearing school uniforms was laughing happily, when unexpectedly, the boy pulled out a box. When the girl opened it, whatever was contained inside caused her to instantly throw her hands over her mouth and, with an exaggerated expression on her face, let out a high-pitched squeal.
“Ten minutes.” All of a sudden, a bag obstructed his view. Grinning, Pingfan stated, “A down jacket and a scarf. Both are in a style I like. Seeing that you praised my taste, I bought them based on my preferences.”
Pulling the paper bag open, he glanced inside. The items were, yet again, a royal blue color. “How is it that all this time, you’ve made no progress? You’ve liked this particular color for seven, eight years now, haven’t you?”
Gu Pingfan took out her wallet to go buy some water. “That night when you came back, you said that Tong Yan looks really nice in this color.” Once she said this, she stood and went to buy a cup of coffee before returning to where they were sitting.
Their seats were in the furthest corner, and when Pingfan came back carrying her coffee, she nearly tripped over all the additional chairs that had been stuffed haphazardly in the space. After overcoming numerous obstacles and countless perils to finally take her seat, she looked at Gu Pingsheng, who was leaning back in his armchair, and suddenly she pursed her lips and eyed him over.
Detecting her gaze, Gu Pingsheng tilted his head slightly to the side and motioned for her to speak plainly if she had something to say.
“You and your student …” She mulled over her word choice but ultimately decided to be direct and to the point. “Are you guys together now?”
After a very brief silence, he answered, “We just started.”
Gu Pingfan raised her brows. With a sip of her coffee, she suddenly brought up a topic that, all this time, they had never talked about and could even be said to be taboo.
“I was talking to a few of the cardiac surgeons in Ruijin Hospital a few days ago and mentioned your mother’s name. I never thought they would still remember this once well known doctor in the field of cardiac surgery.” She took another drink of her coffee and continued, “So many years have passed, yet even completely irrelevant people still remember Auntie [maternal aunt]. TK, you haven’t forgotten in the slightest bit, have you?”
Without answering, he picked up his teacup. The tea was a little cold.
“Even though you’ve never said it, I’ve always sensed that you love your mom very much,” Pingfan said. “Auntie graduated from Penn, so you insisted on going to Penn to study. I know very well that at the time, you actually had even better options to pick from. Auntie was in cardiac surgery, and in the end, you went into cardiac surgery, too … And even your name, TK. Tongke. Gu Tongke[1]. Everywhere in your life, there’s shadows of Auntie.”
Still, he did not speak.
Finally, Pingfan seemed to feel, too, that this topic really was not a pleasant one.
She gave a hidden sigh. “What I’m actually trying to say is, you need to think through carefully. Is it also because of your mother that you are having a teacher-student romance? Here, it’s not like it is overseas. You know very well that teacher-student romances are not really accepted. Or maybe it’s because that girl’s name is Tong Yan[2]?” Speculating, she asked her final question. “Maybe, it’s because what she’s gone through is very similar to your own experiences?”
The white ceramic cup that had already been raised to his lips inexplicably paused.
Watching while he continued to drink his tea, Gu Pingfan came to the thorough understanding that this was merely a one-sided discussion. Just as she was about to abandon the idea of carrying on this conversation, he unexpectedly gave her a response. “Are they playing any songs here? If they are, which song is it now?”
Gu Pingfan paused in surprise. She listened for a moment, but then shook her head and said, “I can’t tell. It should be a really new song. Most of the stuff that kids listen to nowadays, I’ve never heard.”
“Never heard?”
“Never heard.”
“Every time I meet new friends, I will have this same feeling: unfamiliar. I’ve never heard their voice before, and probably, will never have the chance to hear them.” He looked into Pingfan’s eyes and said, “You and I grew up together, so when you talk to me, I can still remember the expressions and tones you use when you speak. Now that I think about it, only a few years passed between when I fell sick to now, but even Zihao’s voice, I’ve nearly forgotten already.”
This time, it was Gu Pingfan who remained silent.
“As for female voices, there are actually not many that I remember. But that day, when I saw Tong Yan again, I could still clearly remember her voice.”
More accurately, it was her voice when she was thirteen, fourteen years old.
“It was a sense of familiarity.” As he spoke, a few of his fingers tapped rhythmically and lightly against his cup. Perhaps, in the beginning, it was all because of this rare sense of familiarity.
His tone suddenly changed. “And then? Who can clearly say?” His hair obstructed the view of his eyes. Beside the window, under the soft glow of the sunlight, his smile was warm and harmless. “If it was possible to clearly explain that feeling, God would not have used the story of a rib to humour mankind and describe love.
Gu Pingfan laughed indignantly, “Don’t be disrespectful about my faith.”
“No disrespect at all intended,” he said. “I very much agree with a part of what you believe in.”
“Such as?” She looked at him in amusement.
“Such as, marriage is a gift from God, and it is sacred. Or, such as, God created sex and gave it as a gift to mankind, but only in marriage is it the most intimate expression of love. Outside of marriage, any type of sexual act is wrong.” Truly spoken as someone who came out of a Catholic school. He had not even needed to think it over. “These are things I sincerely believe.”
When it was nearly 5:30, only he remained.
He remembered the times that Tong Yan had told him, and he had intended on waiting here until 5:30. Unfortunately, plans are made to be disrupted. Luo Zihao was in Xintiandi and doggedly sent him multiple text messages and emails, insisting that he had to see him in person.
Gu Pingsheng was not very familiar with Shanghai and had planned to take Tong Yan over to the Xintiandi district to have dinner there anyway. Unable to endure Luo Zihao’s hunt down of him in text message form, he headed over to Xintiandi first.
He had reserved the table at Din Tai Fung Restaurant[3] far in advance.
“The stuff here is pretty good.” Luo Zihao had just taken a seat when he caught a glimpse of the paper shopping bag beside the table and the obviously feminine colour clothing inside … “TK, are you meeting up with Zhao Yin?”
“Could you please keep me out of whatever is between you and your ex-girlfriend?” He waved down someone and requested a drink menu.
Luo Zihao grinned at him. “Don’t tell me it’s for a date with your girlfriend? Have I seen her before?”
The server brought over the drink menu, and Gu Pingsheng motioned for it to be handed to Luo Zihao.
“I think you haven’t seen her yet. But, she will be here very soon.”
Luo Zihao nearly burned his fingers with the cigarette butt that was between them. It felt as if an entire lifetime had passed since they had last seen each other. Otherwise, why had things changed so greatly?
Since receiving the text message, she felt as if she had done something bad.
But all along the way, Shen Yao would whisper in her ear, begging her to stay with her for dinner and not giving her any chance at all to refuse. In the end, with a guilty conscience, she had no choice but to send a message to Gu Pingsheng telling him that she might be a little late. Very quickly, he returned her text: No worries. I’ll wait for you. TK
Clutching her phone in her hand, she began in her mind to calculate out how the time would work.
They would arrive in the city core a little past six o’clock. If she ate a little faster or perhaps left halfway through the dinner, she should be able to get to where he was by some time past seven o’clock.
Shen Yao had not expected that this meet-up would work out so smoothly and, hence, had not made reservations ahead of time. She simply said that she wanted to take good care of the two guests who were visiting from the north and let them try some Shanghai cuisine, so she chose the Din Tai Fung that was in Xintiandi. However, the result was, when they arrived at the restaurant entrance, they discovered that there were already nearly one hundred parties waiting to be seated. Merely looking at the crowd gave Tong Yan a slight headache.
They were about to leave when Shen Yao unexpectedly stopped. “Tong Yan, look. It’s Teacher Gu.”
Her heart gave a sudden lurch, and she was thrown into a slight panic. She turned, and through the full-length glass wall, she saw Gu Pingsheng sitting at table that was in a very conspicuous location. Coincidentally, he also caught sight of them at that same moment.
Shen Yao waved furiously at him through the glass, so she could only follow Shen Yao’s lead and raise her arm mechanically in a show of greeting. And then, she watched as he pulled his gaze away again and continued his conversation with the person across from him.
“Your teacher looks like one of those types that’s a ruffian in the guise of a gentleman,” Cheng Yu laughed. “He doesn’t look like he’s a teacher of law.”
Shen Yao linked her arm through Tong Yan’s. “The first time he showed up, I was shocked, too. He completely overturned my impression of what someone who studied law should look like. Forget it. There are just too many people here. I’ll take you guys to eat somewhere near my home. I forgot that today was Christmas Eve, and if you don’t have connections or friends at a place, there’s no way you can get a spot.”
Shrugging, Cheng Yu said, “I’m easy. On your turf, I have to listen to your orders.”
Tong Yan’s thoughts were in disarray. Countless excuses crossed her mind, but still she could not find a reason for her to leave.
Therefore, she could only, with a disquieted heart, follow Shen Yao back down the stairs. Because it was a holiday, they were unable to wave down a taxi, and they walked for a full thirty minutes before they arrived at the destination Shen Yao had mentioned.
“What are you thinking about?” Shen Yao asked her in a low voice after ordering their dishes, “How come you’ve been all distracted since you saw your boyfriend? I think he seems pretty good. Quarrels add a little spice and enjoyment to the relationship, but when it’s about enough quarreling, you need to be reasonable and give him an out.”
Sipping her chrysanthemum tea, Tong Yan replied softly, “He’s my ex-boyfriend. And now, he has nothing to do with me.”
“Ex-boyfriend?” Shen Yao’s eyes widened, and immediately, she stretched out her hand and grasped Lu Bei’s in it. “That’s not easy for you, eh. In a situation where your future is uncertain, you still had the courage to cross 1400 kilometres and chase her all the way to Shanghai. I support you!”
Lu Bei likely had never before seen someone who could joke and play around so much. He exchanged a look with Cheng Yu, wanting to laugh but keeping a straight face.
“Oh right. ‘The longer you have to wait for something, the more you will appreciate it when it finally arrives.’ That’s a pretty good line.”
Lu Bei paused blankly for a moment, then looked inquiringly over at Tong Yan.
Under the table, Tong Yan yanked on Shen Yao’s arm, but before her warning message could get out, Shen Yao had already blurted, “It wasn’t you who sent that text? Said you’d wait for Tong Yan?”
“Tong Tong?” The expression on Lu Bei’s face was rather strange as he looked at her.
With her lips pressed together, Tong Yan hesitated for several seconds before finally stating, “Yes, there is someone I like now.”
A stillness fell over the private room they were in. Shen Yao slowly came to a realization of what she had done.
Cheng Yu suddenly gave a light cough. “Shen Yao, come out and keep me company while I have a smoke?” In a rare instance of astuteness, Shen Yao immediately followed him outside and left the other two persons alone.
The entire time, Tong Yan did not look at Lu Bei, and he did not speak either. His hands gripped his cup forcefully, as if he was using all his strength.
She continued drinking her chrysanthemum tea. “Maybe, if you just give it a try, you’ll discover that she’s … not a bad person. Not wearing your wedding ring, not living together, coming here to find me on Christmas Eve — all of these change nothing. You are married. How can you, a student at China University of Political Science and Law, not know marriage laws?”
After barely managing to put together such a sentence, she was unable to say any more.
It had been Fang Yunyun who, back then, had come in and separated the two of them. Tong Yan could work hard on forgetting Lu Bei, but she could not make herself smile and wish happiness on Fang Yunyun. If it had not been for that car accident, what would this Christmas Eve have been like?
No more words were spoken between the two of them, and soon after, she left that private room, telling Shen Yao, who was outside the door, that she had matters to take care of and needed to go.
Shen Yao was somewhat dazed, not expecting that this would be the end result of her matchmaking all along the way …
On the return trip, Tong Yan walked at a faster pace and arrived at the door of Din Tai Fung in less than thirty minutes. The entire way, she had wanted to text him, but she did not know what she should say.
He might have already left? If he had, what should she do?
It was eight o’clock already, but the loud drone of voices still filled the restaurant. That table was very noticeable, and he was still there. His friend had already left.
His coat hung across the back of the chair beside him, and he wore only a light gray, cotton button-up shirt. From her angle, she could see the brilliantly colourful glow of the lights of the Xintiandi district shining up from the outside ground level. And he, with his back facing this scene of floating lights and fleeting shadows, was holding a book in his right hand, half-resting it on top of the table as, one page at a time, he flipped through it.
The Person I Like (2)
Near and far, girls and women were all bedecked in fancy dress. People meeting up on this day should all be couples out on a date. Tong Yan suddenly felt a little hesitant.
She did not have a lot of winter clothing and therefore was not able to put together hundreds of different outfits like Shen Yao could. The high heels she was wearing were the ones she had kept in preparation for whenever she had needed to be a gala host … And because she had needed to take her exam, she had not dared put on make-up either.
“Miss, do you have a reservation?” one of the wait staff politely inquired when he saw this girl at the entrance, wavering between whether to enter or not.
She nodded, finally stepping inside.
Only after she had taken a seat did he close the book he was holding. He was accustomed to using his left hand. She suddenly discovered that he was like her and could use both hands, but he was more accustomed to using the left one.
“I’m sorry.” Tong Yan decided that she would first be honest and admit to her wrongdoing. In a very sincere manner, she explained, “Do you remember that night, I told you Shen Yao had fallen for a boy’s voice? That boy is my high school classmate.”
The server came over and handed her the drink menu. Opening it up, she took a glance — all very expensive.
“If I could trouble you to just please bring another teacup, that will be good.” He suddenly stated, “You can serve up the dishes now.”
After the server had left, he looked back at her again, smiled, and said, “Continue what you were saying. It sounds very interesting.”
Interesting … From his tone of voice, he did not really seem angry, and Tong Yan could finally breathe out in relief. “Today was the first time they were actually meeting in person, and Shen Yao asked me to stay with her for a little while longer so it wouldn’t be too awkward.” She smiled embarrassedly. “I’m the type of person that can never refuse a friend. Earlier on … that was actually just because I was keeping Shen Yao company.”
Perhaps it was because, growing up, there were very few relationships she could actually be reliant upon. Consequently, she always seemed to place a strong dependence upon her friends, especially her good friends. As long as a friend made a request of her, regardless of how unreasonable it might be, she instinctively would want to fulfill it. At times, even she could not stand this trait, and she had even read some psychology books for it.
“It’s alright.” He picked up the teacup that was on the server’s tray, set it down in front of her, and poured some tea for her until it filled more than half the cup. “At least, for me, that’s very normal. I never refuse my friends either.”
She gazed at him in surprise. She remembered, the books said that this was a “childhood lack” condition, that most of these cases were a result of lack of familial love and trust during childhood, and hence, the persons would find means to try to gain more love as a way to compensate themselves.
But, why would he have lacked love? With such a background and environment in which he was taught, his childhood years should have been ones in which he was surrounded by people who supported him, like a myriad of stars clustered around the moon.
“Don’t you think it’s a very bad thing?” With her cup held in both her hands, she tentatively asked him this.
“Every person will more or less have some shortcomings in his or her character. For instance, I had once seen a female patient who had an unexplainable dislike for the color red. Every time she saw it, she would become depressed and irritable, and later, it started to seriously affect her life, to the point that, even when she got married, she was opposed to seeing any red. Later on, one of my friends used hypnosis on her and was finally able to find the root cause of this.”
“What was it?” She was truly curious.
“She has a younger brother. When she was only several years old, her mother gave a red scarf to her brother but did not give one to her. In reality, her mother had never shown favouritism, nor had she abused her, but she was simply too young back then and did not understand, so it left an impact on her psychologically.”
“Just for that reason?” A little too fragile, wasn’t that?
“Just for that reason.”
He smiled wordlessly at her. Seeing her gazing at him with eyes that were sparkling, he found this very fun. “If you’re interested, I will go and systematically give you some psychology lessons. Right now,” he said, flicking his eyes to the server who was bringing over their dishes, “we need to eat first.”
He had not ordered many dishes, just enough for two people to eat until full.
Along the way back just now, she had been thinking that the instant she saw him, she would first apologize. And what if he had left already? She would definitely go look for him and give an explanation to him in person. If he gave her a sullen face, then … she would put on a pitiable look. After all, he was so much older than her; he wouldn’t be so petty, right? And plus as a teacher, he should be more tolerant and forgiving.
She had not expected, however, that he would so easily accept her explanation, and morever, he showed no indication at all that he was angry. Biting down lightly on the tip of her chopsticks, Tong Yan watched him as he told her all sorts of funny and amusing things. She remembered the words she had said earlier.
“Someone I like.”
The person I like is sitting here in front of me, eating, and talking to me.
Her heart suddenly seemed to soften, and, without realizing it, even her voice also softened along with it … though he could not hear this change.
Her mobile phone unexpectedly vibrated.
An unfamiliar number, but a familiar tone: I’ll be heading back on a morning flight tomorrow. Tong Tong, I’ll wait for you tonight at your school, ok?
A single text message swiftly chilled away all the little warmth she had been feeling. She clenched her mobile phone in her hand, not knowing remotely how to reply.
Finally, she hardened her heart and pressed the power-off button.
“Where do you want to go to walk around? But it does seem that everywhere is packed with people today.” He suddenly asked her this only after the two of them had strode out of the restaurant and were standing there, in that pedestrian street lined with twinkling trees and brilliant lights.
Having no clue at all what to do, she shook her head.
There, amid a very strong night wind, Gu Pingsheng also seemed as if he did not have any ideas, and with his hands in his pockets, he exhaled a long breath. “Lack of experience. I did not plan any activities ahead of time.” He glanced at the colorfully lit scene of entertainment and pleasure before them. “Would you like to go to a bar?”
When he said this, it so happened that off to his side, there was a gigantic two-storey poster.
It was a poster advertising the latest fashions for this season. The model on it was also a man, and he also was standing with both his hands inside the pockets of his coat. Tong Yan very unabashedly noticed that Gu Pingsheng was even better looking. It was just that, the white paper bag hanging from his arm spoiled the picture somewhat.
As he looked toward her, she abruptly shifted her eyes to avoid his gaze.
But, she soon recalled that, in front of Gu Pingsheng, this action was something that could not be done … Therefore, she could only turn back to face him with crimson cheeks and feign composure as she replied, “Let’s not go to a bar. If we go in now on a holiday like this, we’d definitely be crammed and squished to death.”
And moreover, bars always tended to have program after program of singing performances. Not suitable for him.
Tong Yan also blew out a lengthy breath. “The very first time you saw me, I was actually still … very much a girl who had issues.” If she were to divide her life into two periods, it would just so happen to involve him.
Before she met him and after she met him.
A weight was suddenly felt on her head. He had reached over and gently patted her head. “I was not a rule-abiding person before, either, and the stuff I did definitely would have caused more headaches for people than what you might have done.” He helped her pull her scarf up higher so that it covered more than half her face. “How about I take you to a church to hear Mass? Pingfan is over at St. Ignatius Cathedral[1]. It starts at 11:30, so if we cannot catch a cab now, we can still take our time and wait.”
Hear Mass? She did not really understand what this was.
But “cathedral” and stuff like that should mean that it was some sort of Christmas activity put on by a church. Somewhat embarrassedly, she pulled down her scarf so that her mouth was showing. “I’m an atheist.”
“So am I.” He was not surprised in the least. “To believe or not is a personal choice. We only need to respect them, and then that’ll be fine.”
Perhaps God really was looking after them, for in such a bustling, lively place, they were still able to wave down a taxi.
When they arrived outside St. Ignatius Cathedral, Pingfan was there, her arms wrapped around herself and so cold that her breath could be seen. Seeing them, she hurried over and with a smile, gave Tong Yan a hug. “So happy you guys came.” Laughing, she whispered into Tong Yan’s ear, “TK grew up going to Catholic school, but to date, he’s still an atheist. When I got his message just now, I thought I must have read wrong.”
After saying this, she slipped her arm through Tong Yan’s and, while lining up along with the crowd, explained to her in a low voice what Midnight High Mass was.
St. Ignatius Cathedral (image credit: left and right)
The entire High Mass took nearly two hours. Gu Pingfan needed to stay to attend the Christmas Mass at dawn, so only the two of them, side by side, walked out of the cathedral.
It was past one o’clock in the morning, but this downtown street was still thronged with lines of vehicles and crowds of people everywhere.
Next to the cathedral were many commercial office buildings. In this midnight hour, the lights in the shopping malls were all turned out, and when they walked by the display windows, they could see their own reflections in them.
“Merry Christmas.” He stopped and handed the white paper bag to her.
She had speculated what might be inside and had even prayed that it would not be a gift for her because she had not prepared anything to give to him …
After she stepped out from where she had been with Shen Yao, there had been a brief instant where she had thought about getting him something. At the time, however, she was too rushed, and it had merely been an idea that flashed through her mind.
She had only anxiously hurried back in the direction she had come, worried that he might leave.
She hesitated for a moment but still reached her hand out to take it from him. “Thank you. Merry Christmas.”
Stretching his arm forward, he placed his hand on top of her head and gently gave it a rub. “It’s really late. I’ll take you back to the school.” After he said this, he started to survey the several intersections near the pedestrian bridge, searching for a spot that would be easier to catch a taxi.
Tong Yan suddenly remembered Lu Bei’s text message, and immediately, she tugged on his arm. When she saw him turn back toward her, she said, “The doors of the dorm are locked at midnight. Would it be okay if tonight … I don’t go back?”
In actual fact, she only needed to knock and then she would be let in. But based on Lu Bei’s personality, it was certain that he would wait the entire night at the university for her. If she did not want this entanglement with him to continue, she had no choice but to harden her heart, to force herself to be completely callous and not allow his wait for her to come to fruition.
Surrounded by the noise of vehicles coming and going, he very quickly made a decision. “Let’s see if there is a cinema nearby that is open all night. If there is, we’ll watch movies until tomorrow morning. You can go to my home to rest for the entire day and then go back to the university in the evening.”
When he finished this, he very naturally completed two actions.
He took the paper bag from her. And, he took her hand in his.
The Person I Like (3)
In the end, they found the Shanghai Film Art Centre[1] by Fahuazhen Road.
The all-night Christmas Eve movie line-up had already started, with three movies that would be played back-to-back beginning from eleven o’clock. As they were stepping through the dark corridor into the cinema, Tong Yan could hear the song from the ending credits of the first movie.
Shanghai Film Art Centre (Image credit)
After they had taken their seats, Tong Yan finally breathed out a long sigh of relief. Using the glow from the cinema screen, she mouthed to Gu Pingsheng, “Good thing. The first movie is a really bad one, and now we don’t have to watch it.”
On days like Christmas or Valentine’s Day, the movie line-ups for the all-night shows were all Hong Kong romance films. New ones, old ones — all types were brought out and shown. Gu Pingsheng had been the one to purchase the tickets, so she did not even know what was going to be shown next.
“Which movie was it?” he asked her in a lowered voice.
The volume of his voice was truly very low. Looking into his eyes, the thought suddenly came into her mind that, after he had lost his hearing, he must have put great efforts into controlling and practicing his speaking volume. That process would certainly have required someone’s aid … It must have been very awkward.
“ I Really Want To Be With You[2],” she answered.
With a hint of a smile, Gu Pingsheng gazed at her. “Really?”
“Of course.” Tong Yan scrunched her nose slightly. “It honestly sucks. Online score for it is only a six out of ten …”
She abruptly halted her words, her lips pursing together. Teacher Gu, how can you behave so inappropriately for your older age[3]?!
“I meant …” she clarified, forming and articulating each word clearly, “the movie that just finished showing is called ‘I Really Want to Be With You.’”
He nodded. “I know.”
The lights suddenly illuminated but then, the next instant, they were turned off again. In that brief period when brightness was followed immediately by darkness, the program had already moved forward into the opening song of the next film. And in that span of time, he had already turned his face away and was watching the opening song with focused attention.
Halfway through the movie, a few more people left from the rows up ahead. In the entire cinema, only two or three couples remained, and all of them were blatantly cuddling and making out, as if in this sort of time, this sort of place, of course “something” should be done … And they were sitting in the last row, so even if they did not want to look, it was not possible to avoid doing so.
Tong Yan fixed her eyes straight ahead on the subtitles, remembering that last time, in the Upper Building, she and Gu Pingsheng had also witnessed a hot, lightning-striking, earthquake-inducing scene.
She snuck a peek at Gu Pingsheng, who was watching the film very intently. Drowsiness tugged at her eyelids until finally, she was unable to last any longer. She pulled the hood of her down jacket up like a pillow behind her head, intending on catching a quick nap. She did not expect, however, that after she closed her eyes, she would fall completely into sleep …
This slumber was very deep and also very peaceful.
It lasted until someone patted her on the face lightly a couple of times, and only then did she hazily hear the sound of the movie playing once again. She was still too sleepy, and instinctively, she nuzzled her face against that soft, fluffy hood of the down jacket. After a while, she finally had the strength to pry open her own eyes. All around, it was still dark.
The movie was still playing.
“Do you want to go back to get some sleep?” His voice seemed as if it was drifting somewhere.
“What time is it?” She worked hard to formulate words, so drowsy she wanted to close her eyes again.
“Nearly five o’clock.” He glanced at his watch. “From what I’ve watched of the plot, it should be over soon.”
“You’ve been watching the whole time?” A Hong Kong romance film, and he was still watching it with such seriousness?
“There’s nothing else to do anyway.”
She gave a very guilty smile. At the same time, she noticed that the people in the third row had — ahem ahem — not pulled away from each other at all.
Because her reaction time was half a beat slow and her gaze was moving too sluggishly, he ended up following her eyes and looking in that direction as well. And then, they both simultaneously shifted their gazes away again.
“In the winter, the sky doesn’t light up until very late.” He turned to her and continued, “It’s going to finish up here before six o’clock.”
She gave an “mm” in answer, feeling short on words for a moment. Of course, he did not hear her almost coquettish “mm,” and naturally turned his head away again to continue watching the Hong Kong romance movie.
With her index finger, she poked his hand lightly.
He turned his head back. “What’s wrong?”
“Last night, you really weren’t mad?” She still ended up asking the question.
“At first, I was a little.” She had not expected he would be so forthright. “But I’m one who is rather able to regulate my own emotions, and after I read for a little bit, I was fine.”
Read for a little bit …
“Is everyone who studies medicine so psychologically healthy and self-aware?”
She unconsciously adjusted her position again, curling her legs up against herself so that her entire body was now leaning sideways against the back of her seat while she stared at him with curiosity.
He fell into a moment of inexplicable silence before eventually answering, “No, it’s because of my mother. Since I was two or three years old, she would often say to me, ‘Mama is a little upset right now. Let Mama sit and be by herself for a little bit.”
She gazed at him as he carried on, “Later, when I was older, she would tell me that your mood is actually something that is constantly in a state of flux. Cheerfulness and gloominess are always alternating with one another, just like day and night. It’s a law of nature. Since this is so for everyone, then we should learn to control it. When we are angry, we should first learn how to calm down. Remaining calm is the best way to regulate our emotions.”
The dialogue of the movie was still carrying on while he slowly spoke these words she had never before heard.
The flickering and shifting glow of the light from the screen was reflected on the side of his face … Tong Yan initially was very envious that he had such a sensible and rational mother, but later, she felt an unexplainable sense of pity for him. What sort of childhood would his have been if he had learned since young how to regulate his own emotions?
She could not help sweeping her eyes over the third row again. Still being very cozy and lovey-dovey. Suddenly, she realized that her own position, as well as the position he was in so that he could speak to her, could easily cause people’s imaginations to fire.
It had now changed to a night scene in the movie, and hence the entire cinema naturally became much darker.
“Do you want to go back?” Possibly because it was dark and he could not see, or perhaps for some other reason, he had moved a little closer to her again.
She glanced at the screen where Andy Lau was delivering a long emotional passage of lines and then looked back at him. “Let’s finish watching …” Actually, she honestly did not know what the movie was about, but he had watched for so long already, he should at least see the ending, right?
“Let’s finish watching, then.” When he finished these words, his face suddenly leaned in closer, and then, lowering his head, he brought his lips directly to hers.
In her ears, she could still hear Andy Lau’s voice saying, “Regardless of whether you believe or not, I believe …”
Was he Gu Pingsheng, or Teacher Gu? Right now, right here, who knew? There were several seconds of only stillness, and then, he tilted his head slightly, enclosing her lips completely in his. This setting that beguiled the senses burned away her ability to think.
She stretched out her arms and folded them around his neck. On his tongue, there was a hint of sweetness as well as a trace of astringent bitterness, like the taste of black tea. It was from the drinks they had bought at the door earlier when they had first walked in. He, the healthy person, seemed as if he would never be able to change this habit of his …
As her little, disjointed thoughts flitted through her mind, she focused her attention on continually responding to him in that constantly shifting glow of lights. And then, with his one arm wrapped around her waist, she was half-lifted up into the air and brought in front of him so that her body was pressed against his.
The background music softened, and Shu Qi began speaking a long monologue: “When I was a kid, I heard on the radio that happiness is like a crystal ball. When it falls to the ground, it shatters into many little fragments … No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to pick up all of them, but so long as you try, you will always be able to pick up some …”[4]
Listening to this, Tong Yan could not hold back her giggles. So cheesy. But, truly so touching.
Gu Pingsheng detected her action and finally pulled himself away from her lips to look at her. “What?”
She honestly did not want to repeat such Snow White-esque lines to him … Right as he was about to lower his head again, the lights in the cinema suddenly illuminated.
The movie had ended.
Tong Yan hastily sat herself up properly. Her new jacket had fallen to the ground, and she retrieved it and stuffed it into the paper bag.
Only when the cinema lights had turned on did she notice that the only people remaining were that particular couple and them. After spending the whole night entangled together in passion and intimacy, that pair of lovebirds at last broke apart, and the girl cast them a meaningful glance. Tong Yan also woodenly returned her look. The only thing that popped into her mind was one sentence: her reputation just got flushed down the drain, after all these years[5] …
“Let’s finish watching, then.”
It was past five o’clock in the morning when they left the movie theatre, and outside, it was frightfully cold.
The sky was still completely dark and there were not many people around. As they climbed inside a taxi cab, the driver, who likely had worked through the entire night, looked at them with dark circles under his eyes and chatted with them, “So romantic. You guys watched movies the whole night?” Tong Yan answered with an “mm,” all of a sudden discovering that things were really good this way.
He could not hear, so he would not … feel awkward.
She gave Miao Miao a call very early in the morning to ask for time off from work, so today, she did not go to the store.
On this rare weekend where she did not need to work, she ended up simply sleeping in Gu Pingsheng’s guest room until dusk.
That evening, when he took her back to the school, she deliberately requested the taxi driver to stop somewhere nearby the dormitory building and would not let him get out of the vehicle, instead walking alone back to the dormitory.
When she stepped in the door, Shen Yao, who thought she had just returned from working her part-time job, hesitated for a long moment before stating, “I was wrong.”
Laughing, Tong Yan kicked her on the foot. “Shoo, shoo, shoo. It’s all good. We don’t even need to say those sort of things between the two of us.”
Shen Yao breathed out in relief. “I knew it.”
Upon saying this, she immediately grabbed her mobile phone and began ardently texting back and forth, a broad grin on her face.
Without needing to ask, it was obvious whom she was texting.
Tong Yan began organizing her books for this semester. Seeing this, Shen Yao suddenly wailed in anguish, “My advanced math!” At the same time, she tossed aside her phone, dug out a stack of papers, and began cramming for her course.
In the glow of the lamplight, the side profile of Shen Yao’s face as she did her practice problems made her want to laugh. After her books were all put in order, she automatically picked up her mobile phone to glance at the time, and she discovered then that it was still powered off.
“Yesterday, after you finished dinner, where did you go?” she asked Shen Yao out of the blue.
“Where’d we go?” Shen Yao did not even raise her head. “I brought them to my older brother’s bar, but some time after midnight, ‘that guy’ left. This morning, I ate breakfast with Cheng Yu and then took him to the train station.”
Shen Yao deliberately downplayed any talk of Lu Bei, but Tong Yan knew where he had gone after midnight.
Lu Bei’s text showed up on her phone shortly after she turned it on.
It had been past six o’clock when he sent it: I brought your favourite foods, the ‘candied ears[6]’ and yellow pea cake[7] from Xinjiekou Opening[8]. I’ve left them with that auntie, the staff at your dorm. I’ll come see you again next time.
Lu Bei style tone and temperament. Or perhaps it should be said, to her, he was always exceptionally good-tempered.
Just like when they first met.
At that time, Tong Yan was still a very strange-tempered person, and he was one grade lower than her. That day, it was her turn on student duty, and she happened to be responsible for the discipline of the seventh grade students. Wearing a red armband, she had patrolled back and forth on that entire floor.
She remembered, that morning, he had been late, and with his bag slung diagonally across his back, he had come running up. And then, she had stopped him, pointing at the top of the stairs and stating, “The school discipline for being late for morning self-study is to remaining standing until you’re released.”
He was taller than her by nearly twenty centimetres. Tilting his head, he looked grinningly at her. “Hey, tiny Big Sister, have mercy on me. If a teacher sees me, I’ll have to repeat my grade again.”
She did not even lift her eyes. “Take your standing punishment or else have five points deducted from your entire class. You choose.”
Before she had even finished saying this, the back door of his classroom was pulled open, and from the back row, guffaws burst out from several students who were all repeating the grade.
Silently, Tong Yan sat there and deleted the text message.
The next message was from Gu Pingsheng: Rest earlier. Good night. TK
What followed was the long period of final examinations. Wang Xiaoru had at last fully returned to join them in preparation for taking on this lengthy, wearying exam season. The following week was the final examinations for all the multi-discipline common courses, but from their dorm, only Shen Yao had one she needed to attend.
And so, on Monday morning, to review advanced mathematics, Shen Yao crawled out of bed shortly past six o’clock in the morning and began working on practice exam problems. When Tong Yan awoke, only a single small lamp was turned on. Outside, the sky was already lit, but for fear of waking the rest of them, Shen Yao had not opened the curtains.
Flipping on her table lamp, she planned on studying for a while inside her warm blankets. All of a sudden, Gu Pingsheng sent her a text message: Are you awake? TK
The corner of her lips could not help turning up in a smile as she sent a reply: Mm-hmm. Awake.
Try opening your curtains. TK
Her dormitory room was on the ground level, and her bed happened to be beside the window. She had told him this before.
And, when she slept, her head pointed toward the window …
She reached over, lifted open the curtain, and looked out the window.
In the rays of the early morning sun, he and the dean of the Law Faculty were strolling side by side, crossing the road outside of the dormitory building. The elderly man was walking very slowly, and each step he took wobbled. His gaze passed over the elderly man’s head and looked towards here, where she was.
Seeming to see that the corner of the curtain had been lifted up, he quickly brought his right index and middle fingers together and touched their tips to his forehead.
In a half-joking manner, he had used … an American military salute[9] to wordlessly say hello to her.
Chapter 8: CH 7
This was his first Christmas Eve in Shanghai.
Although he had grown up in a Catholic school system, this was only because the teaching in it was more strict and rigorous and not because he was a true Catholic. Gu Pingfan, on the other hand, was a devout believer through and through, and tonight, she would most certainly be going to church to celebrate Midnight Mass. Hence, he had very early on arranged a time with Gu Pingfan to go shopping together.
But, he had not expected that there would be so many people.
Looking around at all the young women’s fashions that were near and far, Gu Pingfan asked somewhat uncomprehendingly, “What are you here to buy?”
He pondered momentarily. “Young women’s clothing.”
Gu Pingfan’s eyes swept him up and down. Just as she was about to throw out a couple of mocking sentences, she suddenly understood. “It’s for that student of yours? Tong Yan?” While she was speaking, she stepped out of the way of several girls who looked to be students.
“Your build is really similar to hers, and your taste is also passable …” He did not deny anything and merely felt that, standing here among this crowded swarm of young women, he seemed to stick out. “Help me buy some clothing that would be fitting. I want to give them to her as a Christmas present.” Raising his arm, he glanced at his watch. “I’ll wait for you in the Coffee Bean downstairs. Twenty minutes?”
On the surface, he seemed to be asking for a favour and his tone was gracious and courteous, but it left absolutely no opportunity for refusal.
Gu Pingfan was accustomed to this manner of his that he had always had since he was a child. She could not even be bothered to say anything and instead, proceeded directly to dutifully force her way into the horde. He went downstairs to the Coffee Bean, which was also packed with people, and ordered a cup of Earl Grey tea.
Luck was on his side for when the tea was ready and carried out, there happened to be someone in the corner leaving. Near him, a young couple wearing school uniforms was laughing happily, when unexpectedly, the boy pulled out a box. When the girl opened it, whatever was contained inside caused her to instantly throw her hands over her mouth and, with an exaggerated expression on her face, let out a high-pitched squeal.
“Ten minutes.” All of a sudden, a bag obstructed his view. Grinning, Pingfan stated, “A down jacket and a scarf. Both are in a style I like. Seeing that you praised my taste, I bought them based on my preferences.”
Pulling the paper bag open, he glanced inside. The items were, yet again, a royal blue color. “How is it that all this time, you’ve made no progress? You’ve liked this particular color for seven, eight years now, haven’t you?”
Gu Pingfan took out her wallet to go buy some water. “That night when you came back, you said that Tong Yan looks really nice in this color.” Once she said this, she stood and went to buy a cup of coffee before returning to where they were sitting.
Their seats were in the furthest corner, and when Pingfan came back carrying her coffee, she nearly tripped over all the additional chairs that had been stuffed haphazardly in the space. After overcoming numerous obstacles and countless perils to finally take her seat, she looked at Gu Pingsheng, who was leaning back in his armchair, and suddenly she pursed her lips and eyed him over.
Detecting her gaze, Gu Pingsheng tilted his head slightly to the side and motioned for her to speak plainly if she had something to say.
“You and your student …” She mulled over her word choice but ultimately decided to be direct and to the point. “Are you guys together now?”
After a very brief silence, he answered, “We just started.”
Gu Pingfan raised her brows. With a sip of her coffee, she suddenly brought up a topic that, all this time, they had never talked about and could even be said to be taboo.
“I was talking to a few of the cardiac surgeons in Ruijin Hospital a few days ago and mentioned your mother’s name. I never thought they would still remember this once well known doctor in the field of cardiac surgery.” She took another drink of her coffee and continued, “So many years have passed, yet even completely irrelevant people still remember Auntie [maternal aunt]. TK, you haven’t forgotten in the slightest bit, have you?”
“Even though you’ve never said it, I’ve always sensed that you love your mom very much,” Pingfan said. “Auntie graduated from Penn, so you insisted on going to Penn to study. I know very well that at the time, you actually had even better options to pick from. Auntie was in cardiac surgery, and in the end, you went into cardiac surgery, too … And even your name, TK. Tongke. Gu Tongke[1]. Everywhere in your life, there’s shadows of Auntie.”
Still, he did not speak.
Finally, Pingfan seemed to feel, too, that this topic really was not a pleasant one.
She gave a hidden sigh. “What I’m actually trying to say is, you need to think through carefully. Is it also because of your mother that you are having a teacher-student romance? Here, it’s not like it is overseas. You know very well that teacher-student romances are not really accepted. Or maybe it’s because that girl’s name is Tong Yan[2]?” Speculating, she asked her final question. “Maybe, it’s because what she’s gone through is very similar to your own experiences?”
The white ceramic cup that had already been raised to his lips inexplicably paused.
Watching while he continued to drink his tea, Gu Pingfan came to the thorough understanding that this was merely a one-sided discussion. Just as she was about to abandon the idea of carrying on this conversation, he unexpectedly gave her a response. “Are they playing any songs here? If they are, which song is it now?”
Gu Pingfan paused in surprise. She listened for a moment, but then shook her head and said, “I can’t tell. It should be a really new song. Most of the stuff that kids listen to nowadays, I’ve never heard.”
“Never heard?”
“Never heard.”
“Every time I meet new friends, I will have this same feeling: unfamiliar. I’ve never heard their voice before, and probably, will never have the chance to hear them.” He looked into Pingfan’s eyes and said, “You and I grew up together, so when you talk to me, I can still remember the expressions and tones you use when you speak. Now that I think about it, only a few years passed between when I fell sick to now, but even Zihao’s voice, I’ve nearly forgotten already.”
This time, it was Gu Pingfan who remained silent.
“As for female voices, there are actually not many that I remember. But that day, when I saw Tong Yan again, I could still clearly remember her voice.”
More accurately, it was her voice when she was thirteen, fourteen years old.
“It was a sense of familiarity.” As he spoke, a few of his fingers tapped rhythmically and lightly against his cup. Perhaps, in the beginning, it was all because of this rare sense of familiarity.
His tone suddenly changed. “And then? Who can clearly say?” His hair obstructed the view of his eyes. Beside the window, under the soft glow of the sunlight, his smile was warm and harmless. “If it was possible to clearly explain that feeling, God would not have used the story of a rib to humour mankind and describe love.
Gu Pingfan laughed indignantly, “Don’t be disrespectful about my faith.”
“No disrespect at all intended,” he said. “I very much agree with a part of what you believe in.”
“Such as?” She looked at him in amusement.
“Such as, marriage is a gift from God, and it is sacred. Or, such as, God created sex and gave it as a gift to mankind, but only in marriage is it the most intimate expression of love. Outside of marriage, any type of sexual act is wrong.” Truly spoken as someone who came out of a Catholic school. He had not even needed to think it over. “These are things I sincerely believe.”
He remembered the times that Tong Yan had told him, and he had intended on waiting here until 5:30. Unfortunately, plans are made to be disrupted. Luo Zihao was in Xintiandi and doggedly sent him multiple text messages and emails, insisting that he had to see him in person.
Gu Pingsheng was not very familiar with Shanghai and had planned to take Tong Yan over to the Xintiandi district to have dinner there anyway. Unable to endure Luo Zihao’s hunt down of him in text message form, he headed over to Xintiandi first.
He had reserved the table at Din Tai Fung Restaurant[3] far in advance.
“The stuff here is pretty good.” Luo Zihao had just taken a seat when he caught a glimpse of the paper shopping bag beside the table and the obviously feminine colour clothing inside … “TK, are you meeting up with Zhao Yin?”
“Could you please keep me out of whatever is between you and your ex-girlfriend?” He waved down someone and requested a drink menu.
Luo Zihao grinned at him. “Don’t tell me it’s for a date with your girlfriend? Have I seen her before?”
The server brought over the drink menu, and Gu Pingsheng motioned for it to be handed to Luo Zihao.
“I think you haven’t seen her yet. But, she will be here very soon.”
Luo Zihao nearly burned his fingers with the cigarette butt that was between them. It felt as if an entire lifetime had passed since they had last seen each other. Otherwise, why had things changed so greatly?
Since receiving the text message, she felt as if she had done something bad.
But all along the way, Shen Yao would whisper in her ear, begging her to stay with her for dinner and not giving her any chance at all to refuse. In the end, with a guilty conscience, she had no choice but to send a message to Gu Pingsheng telling him that she might be a little late. Very quickly, he returned her text: No worries. I’ll wait for you. TK
Clutching her phone in her hand, she began in her mind to calculate out how the time would work.
They would arrive in the city core a little past six o’clock. If she ate a little faster or perhaps left halfway through the dinner, she should be able to get to where he was by some time past seven o’clock.
Shen Yao had not expected that this meet-up would work out so smoothly and, hence, had not made reservations ahead of time. She simply said that she wanted to take good care of the two guests who were visiting from the north and let them try some Shanghai cuisine, so she chose the Din Tai Fung that was in Xintiandi. However, the result was, when they arrived at the restaurant entrance, they discovered that there were already nearly one hundred parties waiting to be seated. Merely looking at the crowd gave Tong Yan a slight headache.
They were about to leave when Shen Yao unexpectedly stopped. “Tong Yan, look. It’s Teacher Gu.”
Her heart gave a sudden lurch, and she was thrown into a slight panic. She turned, and through the full-length glass wall, she saw Gu Pingsheng sitting at table that was in a very conspicuous location. Coincidentally, he also caught sight of them at that same moment.
Shen Yao waved furiously at him through the glass, so she could only follow Shen Yao’s lead and raise her arm mechanically in a show of greeting. And then, she watched as he pulled his gaze away again and continued his conversation with the person across from him.
“Your teacher looks like one of those types that’s a ruffian in the guise of a gentleman,” Cheng Yu laughed. “He doesn’t look like he’s a teacher of law.”
Shen Yao linked her arm through Tong Yan’s. “The first time he showed up, I was shocked, too. He completely overturned my impression of what someone who studied law should look like. Forget it. There are just too many people here. I’ll take you guys to eat somewhere near my home. I forgot that today was Christmas Eve, and if you don’t have connections or friends at a place, there’s no way you can get a spot.”
Tong Yan’s thoughts were in disarray. Countless excuses crossed her mind, but still she could not find a reason for her to leave.
Therefore, she could only, with a disquieted heart, follow Shen Yao back down the stairs. Because it was a holiday, they were unable to wave down a taxi, and they walked for a full thirty minutes before they arrived at the destination Shen Yao had mentioned.
“What are you thinking about?” Shen Yao asked her in a low voice after ordering their dishes, “How come you’ve been all distracted since you saw your boyfriend? I think he seems pretty good. Quarrels add a little spice and enjoyment to the relationship, but when it’s about enough quarreling, you need to be reasonable and give him an out.”
Sipping her chrysanthemum tea, Tong Yan replied softly, “He’s my ex-boyfriend. And now, he has nothing to do with me.”
“Ex-boyfriend?” Shen Yao’s eyes widened, and immediately, she stretched out her hand and grasped Lu Bei’s in it. “That’s not easy for you, eh. In a situation where your future is uncertain, you still had the courage to cross 1400 kilometres and chase her all the way to Shanghai. I support you!”
Lu Bei likely had never before seen someone who could joke and play around so much. He exchanged a look with Cheng Yu, wanting to laugh but keeping a straight face.
“Oh right. ‘The longer you have to wait for something, the more you will appreciate it when it finally arrives.’ That’s a pretty good line.”
Lu Bei paused blankly for a moment, then looked inquiringly over at Tong Yan.
Under the table, Tong Yan yanked on Shen Yao’s arm, but before her warning message could get out, Shen Yao had already blurted, “It wasn’t you who sent that text? Said you’d wait for Tong Yan?”
“Tong Tong?” The expression on Lu Bei’s face was rather strange as he looked at her.
With her lips pressed together, Tong Yan hesitated for several seconds before finally stating, “Yes, there is someone I like now.”
A stillness fell over the private room they were in. Shen Yao slowly came to a realization of what she had done.
Cheng Yu suddenly gave a light cough. “Shen Yao, come out and keep me company while I have a smoke?” In a rare instance of astuteness, Shen Yao immediately followed him outside and left the other two persons alone.
The entire time, Tong Yan did not look at Lu Bei, and he did not speak either. His hands gripped his cup forcefully, as if he was using all his strength.
She continued drinking her chrysanthemum tea. “Maybe, if you just give it a try, you’ll discover that she’s … not a bad person. Not wearing your wedding ring, not living together, coming here to find me on Christmas Eve — all of these change nothing. You are married. How can you, a student at China University of Political Science and Law, not know marriage laws?”
After barely managing to put together such a sentence, she was unable to say any more.
It had been Fang Yunyun who, back then, had come in and separated the two of them. Tong Yan could work hard on forgetting Lu Bei, but she could not make herself smile and wish happiness on Fang Yunyun. If it had not been for that car accident, what would this Christmas Eve have been like?
No more words were spoken between the two of them, and soon after, she left that private room, telling Shen Yao, who was outside the door, that she had matters to take care of and needed to go.
Shen Yao was somewhat dazed, not expecting that this would be the end result of her matchmaking all along the way …
He might have already left? If he had, what should she do?
It was eight o’clock already, but the loud drone of voices still filled the restaurant. That table was very noticeable, and he was still there. His friend had already left.
His coat hung across the back of the chair beside him, and he wore only a light gray, cotton button-up shirt. From her angle, she could see the brilliantly colourful glow of the lights of the Xintiandi district shining up from the outside ground level. And he, with his back facing this scene of floating lights and fleeting shadows, was holding a book in his right hand, half-resting it on top of the table as, one page at a time, he flipped through it.
The Person I Like (2)
Near and far, girls and women were all bedecked in fancy dress. People meeting up on this day should all be couples out on a date. Tong Yan suddenly felt a little hesitant.
She did not have a lot of winter clothing and therefore was not able to put together hundreds of different outfits like Shen Yao could. The high heels she was wearing were the ones she had kept in preparation for whenever she had needed to be a gala host … And because she had needed to take her exam, she had not dared put on make-up either.
“Miss, do you have a reservation?” one of the wait staff politely inquired when he saw this girl at the entrance, wavering between whether to enter or not.
She nodded, finally stepping inside.
Only after she had taken a seat did he close the book he was holding. He was accustomed to using his left hand. She suddenly discovered that he was like her and could use both hands, but he was more accustomed to using the left one.
“I’m sorry.” Tong Yan decided that she would first be honest and admit to her wrongdoing. In a very sincere manner, she explained, “Do you remember that night, I told you Shen Yao had fallen for a boy’s voice? That boy is my high school classmate.”
The server came over and handed her the drink menu. Opening it up, she took a glance — all very expensive.
“If I could trouble you to just please bring another teacup, that will be good.” He suddenly stated, “You can serve up the dishes now.”
After the server had left, he looked back at her again, smiled, and said, “Continue what you were saying. It sounds very interesting.”
Interesting … From his tone of voice, he did not really seem angry, and Tong Yan could finally breathe out in relief. “Today was the first time they were actually meeting in person, and Shen Yao asked me to stay with her for a little while longer so it wouldn’t be too awkward.” She smiled embarrassedly. “I’m the type of person that can never refuse a friend. Earlier on … that was actually just because I was keeping Shen Yao company.”
Perhaps it was because, growing up, there were very few relationships she could actually be reliant upon. Consequently, she always seemed to place a strong dependence upon her friends, especially her good friends. As long as a friend made a request of her, regardless of how unreasonable it might be, she instinctively would want to fulfill it. At times, even she could not stand this trait, and she had even read some psychology books for it.
“It’s alright.” He picked up the teacup that was on the server’s tray, set it down in front of her, and poured some tea for her until it filled more than half the cup. “At least, for me, that’s very normal. I never refuse my friends either.”
She gazed at him in surprise. She remembered, the books said that this was a “childhood lack” condition, that most of these cases were a result of lack of familial love and trust during childhood, and hence, the persons would find means to try to gain more love as a way to compensate themselves.
But, why would he have lacked love? With such a background and environment in which he was taught, his childhood years should have been ones in which he was surrounded by people who supported him, like a myriad of stars clustered around the moon.
“Don’t you think it’s a very bad thing?” With her cup held in both her hands, she tentatively asked him this.
“What was it?” She was truly curious.
“She has a younger brother. When she was only several years old, her mother gave a red scarf to her brother but did not give one to her. In reality, her mother had never shown favouritism, nor had she abused her, but she was simply too young back then and did not understand, so it left an impact on her psychologically.”
“Just for that reason?” A little too fragile, wasn’t that?
“Just for that reason.”
He smiled wordlessly at her. Seeing her gazing at him with eyes that were sparkling, he found this very fun. “If you’re interested, I will go and systematically give you some psychology lessons. Right now,” he said, flicking his eyes to the server who was bringing over their dishes, “we need to eat first.”
He had not ordered many dishes, just enough for two people to eat until full.
Along the way back just now, she had been thinking that the instant she saw him, she would first apologize. And what if he had left already? She would definitely go look for him and give an explanation to him in person. If he gave her a sullen face, then … she would put on a pitiable look. After all, he was so much older than her; he wouldn’t be so petty, right? And plus as a teacher, he should be more tolerant and forgiving.
She had not expected, however, that he would so easily accept her explanation, and morever, he showed no indication at all that he was angry. Biting down lightly on the tip of her chopsticks, Tong Yan watched him as he told her all sorts of funny and amusing things. She remembered the words she had said earlier.
“Someone I like.”
The person I like is sitting here in front of me, eating, and talking to me.
Her heart suddenly seemed to soften, and, without realizing it, even her voice also softened along with it … though he could not hear this change.
Her mobile phone unexpectedly vibrated.
An unfamiliar number, but a familiar tone: I’ll be heading back on a morning flight tomorrow. Tong Tong, I’ll wait for you tonight at your school, ok?
A single text message swiftly chilled away all the little warmth she had been feeling. She clenched her mobile phone in her hand, not knowing remotely how to reply.
Finally, she hardened her heart and pressed the power-off button.
“Where do you want to go to walk around? But it does seem that everywhere is packed with people today.” He suddenly asked her this only after the two of them had strode out of the restaurant and were standing there, in that pedestrian street lined with twinkling trees and brilliant lights.
Having no clue at all what to do, she shook her head.
There, amid a very strong night wind, Gu Pingsheng also seemed as if he did not have any ideas, and with his hands in his pockets, he exhaled a long breath. “Lack of experience. I did not plan any activities ahead of time.” He glanced at the colorfully lit scene of entertainment and pleasure before them. “Would you like to go to a bar?”
When he said this, it so happened that off to his side, there was a gigantic two-storey poster.
As he looked toward her, she abruptly shifted her eyes to avoid his gaze.
But, she soon recalled that, in front of Gu Pingsheng, this action was something that could not be done … Therefore, she could only turn back to face him with crimson cheeks and feign composure as she replied, “Let’s not go to a bar. If we go in now on a holiday like this, we’d definitely be crammed and squished to death.”
And moreover, bars always tended to have program after program of singing performances. Not suitable for him.
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He laughed, “You know a lot about bars?”Tong Yan also blew out a lengthy breath. “The very first time you saw me, I was actually still … very much a girl who had issues.” If she were to divide her life into two periods, it would just so happen to involve him.
Before she met him and after she met him.
A weight was suddenly felt on her head. He had reached over and gently patted her head. “I was not a rule-abiding person before, either, and the stuff I did definitely would have caused more headaches for people than what you might have done.” He helped her pull her scarf up higher so that it covered more than half her face. “How about I take you to a church to hear Mass? Pingfan is over at St. Ignatius Cathedral[1]. It starts at 11:30, so if we cannot catch a cab now, we can still take our time and wait.”
Hear Mass? She did not really understand what this was.
But “cathedral” and stuff like that should mean that it was some sort of Christmas activity put on by a church. Somewhat embarrassedly, she pulled down her scarf so that her mouth was showing. “I’m an atheist.”
“So am I.” He was not surprised in the least. “To believe or not is a personal choice. We only need to respect them, and then that’ll be fine.”
Perhaps God really was looking after them, for in such a bustling, lively place, they were still able to wave down a taxi.
When they arrived outside St. Ignatius Cathedral, Pingfan was there, her arms wrapped around herself and so cold that her breath could be seen. Seeing them, she hurried over and with a smile, gave Tong Yan a hug. “So happy you guys came.” Laughing, she whispered into Tong Yan’s ear, “TK grew up going to Catholic school, but to date, he’s still an atheist. When I got his message just now, I thought I must have read wrong.”
After saying this, she slipped her arm through Tong Yan’s and, while lining up along with the crowd, explained to her in a low voice what Midnight High Mass was.
St. Ignatius Cathedral (image credit: left and right)
The entire High Mass took nearly two hours. Gu Pingfan needed to stay to attend the Christmas Mass at dawn, so only the two of them, side by side, walked out of the cathedral.
It was past one o’clock in the morning, but this downtown street was still thronged with lines of vehicles and crowds of people everywhere.
Next to the cathedral were many commercial office buildings. In this midnight hour, the lights in the shopping malls were all turned out, and when they walked by the display windows, they could see their own reflections in them.
“Merry Christmas.” He stopped and handed the white paper bag to her.
After she stepped out from where she had been with Shen Yao, there had been a brief instant where she had thought about getting him something. At the time, however, she was too rushed, and it had merely been an idea that flashed through her mind.
She had only anxiously hurried back in the direction she had come, worried that he might leave.
She hesitated for a moment but still reached her hand out to take it from him. “Thank you. Merry Christmas.”
Stretching his arm forward, he placed his hand on top of her head and gently gave it a rub. “It’s really late. I’ll take you back to the school.” After he said this, he started to survey the several intersections near the pedestrian bridge, searching for a spot that would be easier to catch a taxi.
Tong Yan suddenly remembered Lu Bei’s text message, and immediately, she tugged on his arm. When she saw him turn back toward her, she said, “The doors of the dorm are locked at midnight. Would it be okay if tonight … I don’t go back?”
In actual fact, she only needed to knock and then she would be let in. But based on Lu Bei’s personality, it was certain that he would wait the entire night at the university for her. If she did not want this entanglement with him to continue, she had no choice but to harden her heart, to force herself to be completely callous and not allow his wait for her to come to fruition.
Surrounded by the noise of vehicles coming and going, he very quickly made a decision. “Let’s see if there is a cinema nearby that is open all night. If there is, we’ll watch movies until tomorrow morning. You can go to my home to rest for the entire day and then go back to the university in the evening.”
When he finished this, he very naturally completed two actions.
He took the paper bag from her. And, he took her hand in his.
The Person I Like (3)
In the end, they found the Shanghai Film Art Centre[1] by Fahuazhen Road.
The all-night Christmas Eve movie line-up had already started, with three movies that would be played back-to-back beginning from eleven o’clock. As they were stepping through the dark corridor into the cinema, Tong Yan could hear the song from the ending credits of the first movie.
Shanghai Film Art Centre (Image credit)
After they had taken their seats, Tong Yan finally breathed out a long sigh of relief. Using the glow from the cinema screen, she mouthed to Gu Pingsheng, “Good thing. The first movie is a really bad one, and now we don’t have to watch it.”
On days like Christmas or Valentine’s Day, the movie line-ups for the all-night shows were all Hong Kong romance films. New ones, old ones — all types were brought out and shown. Gu Pingsheng had been the one to purchase the tickets, so she did not even know what was going to be shown next.
“Which movie was it?” he asked her in a lowered voice.
The volume of his voice was truly very low. Looking into his eyes, the thought suddenly came into her mind that, after he had lost his hearing, he must have put great efforts into controlling and practicing his speaking volume. That process would certainly have required someone’s aid … It must have been very awkward.
“ I Really Want To Be With You[2],” she answered.
“Of course.” Tong Yan scrunched her nose slightly. “It honestly sucks. Online score for it is only a six out of ten …”
She abruptly halted her words, her lips pursing together. Teacher Gu, how can you behave so inappropriately for your older age[3]?!
“I meant …” she clarified, forming and articulating each word clearly, “the movie that just finished showing is called ‘I Really Want to Be With You.’”
He nodded. “I know.”
The lights suddenly illuminated but then, the next instant, they were turned off again. In that brief period when brightness was followed immediately by darkness, the program had already moved forward into the opening song of the next film. And in that span of time, he had already turned his face away and was watching the opening song with focused attention.
Halfway through the movie, a few more people left from the rows up ahead. In the entire cinema, only two or three couples remained, and all of them were blatantly cuddling and making out, as if in this sort of time, this sort of place, of course “something” should be done … And they were sitting in the last row, so even if they did not want to look, it was not possible to avoid doing so.
Tong Yan fixed her eyes straight ahead on the subtitles, remembering that last time, in the Upper Building, she and Gu Pingsheng had also witnessed a hot, lightning-striking, earthquake-inducing scene.
She snuck a peek at Gu Pingsheng, who was watching the film very intently. Drowsiness tugged at her eyelids until finally, she was unable to last any longer. She pulled the hood of her down jacket up like a pillow behind her head, intending on catching a quick nap. She did not expect, however, that after she closed her eyes, she would fall completely into sleep …
This slumber was very deep and also very peaceful.
It lasted until someone patted her on the face lightly a couple of times, and only then did she hazily hear the sound of the movie playing once again. She was still too sleepy, and instinctively, she nuzzled her face against that soft, fluffy hood of the down jacket. After a while, she finally had the strength to pry open her own eyes. All around, it was still dark.
The movie was still playing.
“Do you want to go back to get some sleep?” His voice seemed as if it was drifting somewhere.
“What time is it?” She worked hard to formulate words, so drowsy she wanted to close her eyes again.
“Nearly five o’clock.” He glanced at his watch. “From what I’ve watched of the plot, it should be over soon.”
“You’ve been watching the whole time?” A Hong Kong romance film, and he was still watching it with such seriousness?
“There’s nothing else to do anyway.”
She gave a very guilty smile. At the same time, she noticed that the people in the third row had — ahem ahem — not pulled away from each other at all.
Because her reaction time was half a beat slow and her gaze was moving too sluggishly, he ended up following her eyes and looking in that direction as well. And then, they both simultaneously shifted their gazes away again.
“In the winter, the sky doesn’t light up until very late.” He turned to her and continued, “It’s going to finish up here before six o’clock.”
With her index finger, she poked his hand lightly.
He turned his head back. “What’s wrong?”
“Last night, you really weren’t mad?” She still ended up asking the question.
“At first, I was a little.” She had not expected he would be so forthright. “But I’m one who is rather able to regulate my own emotions, and after I read for a little bit, I was fine.”
Read for a little bit …
“Is everyone who studies medicine so psychologically healthy and self-aware?”
She unconsciously adjusted her position again, curling her legs up against herself so that her entire body was now leaning sideways against the back of her seat while she stared at him with curiosity.
He fell into a moment of inexplicable silence before eventually answering, “No, it’s because of my mother. Since I was two or three years old, she would often say to me, ‘Mama is a little upset right now. Let Mama sit and be by herself for a little bit.”
She gazed at him as he carried on, “Later, when I was older, she would tell me that your mood is actually something that is constantly in a state of flux. Cheerfulness and gloominess are always alternating with one another, just like day and night. It’s a law of nature. Since this is so for everyone, then we should learn to control it. When we are angry, we should first learn how to calm down. Remaining calm is the best way to regulate our emotions.”
The dialogue of the movie was still carrying on while he slowly spoke these words she had never before heard.
The flickering and shifting glow of the light from the screen was reflected on the side of his face … Tong Yan initially was very envious that he had such a sensible and rational mother, but later, she felt an unexplainable sense of pity for him. What sort of childhood would his have been if he had learned since young how to regulate his own emotions?
She could not help sweeping her eyes over the third row again. Still being very cozy and lovey-dovey. Suddenly, she realized that her own position, as well as the position he was in so that he could speak to her, could easily cause people’s imaginations to fire.
It had now changed to a night scene in the movie, and hence the entire cinema naturally became much darker.
“Do you want to go back?” Possibly because it was dark and he could not see, or perhaps for some other reason, he had moved a little closer to her again.
She glanced at the screen where Andy Lau was delivering a long emotional passage of lines and then looked back at him. “Let’s finish watching …” Actually, she honestly did not know what the movie was about, but he had watched for so long already, he should at least see the ending, right?
“Let’s finish watching, then.” When he finished these words, his face suddenly leaned in closer, and then, lowering his head, he brought his lips directly to hers.
In her ears, she could still hear Andy Lau’s voice saying, “Regardless of whether you believe or not, I believe …”
Was he Gu Pingsheng, or Teacher Gu? Right now, right here, who knew? There were several seconds of only stillness, and then, he tilted his head slightly, enclosing her lips completely in his. This setting that beguiled the senses burned away her ability to think.
She stretched out her arms and folded them around his neck. On his tongue, there was a hint of sweetness as well as a trace of astringent bitterness, like the taste of black tea. It was from the drinks they had bought at the door earlier when they had first walked in. He, the healthy person, seemed as if he would never be able to change this habit of his …
The background music softened, and Shu Qi began speaking a long monologue: “When I was a kid, I heard on the radio that happiness is like a crystal ball. When it falls to the ground, it shatters into many little fragments … No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to pick up all of them, but so long as you try, you will always be able to pick up some …”[4]
Listening to this, Tong Yan could not hold back her giggles. So cheesy. But, truly so touching.
Gu Pingsheng detected her action and finally pulled himself away from her lips to look at her. “What?”
She honestly did not want to repeat such Snow White-esque lines to him … Right as he was about to lower his head again, the lights in the cinema suddenly illuminated.
The movie had ended.
Tong Yan hastily sat herself up properly. Her new jacket had fallen to the ground, and she retrieved it and stuffed it into the paper bag.
Only when the cinema lights had turned on did she notice that the only people remaining were that particular couple and them. After spending the whole night entangled together in passion and intimacy, that pair of lovebirds at last broke apart, and the girl cast them a meaningful glance. Tong Yan also woodenly returned her look. The only thing that popped into her mind was one sentence: her reputation just got flushed down the drain, after all these years[5] …
“Let’s finish watching, then.”
It was past five o’clock in the morning when they left the movie theatre, and outside, it was frightfully cold.
The sky was still completely dark and there were not many people around. As they climbed inside a taxi cab, the driver, who likely had worked through the entire night, looked at them with dark circles under his eyes and chatted with them, “So romantic. You guys watched movies the whole night?” Tong Yan answered with an “mm,” all of a sudden discovering that things were really good this way.
He could not hear, so he would not … feel awkward.
She gave Miao Miao a call very early in the morning to ask for time off from work, so today, she did not go to the store.
On this rare weekend where she did not need to work, she ended up simply sleeping in Gu Pingsheng’s guest room until dusk.
That evening, when he took her back to the school, she deliberately requested the taxi driver to stop somewhere nearby the dormitory building and would not let him get out of the vehicle, instead walking alone back to the dormitory.
When she stepped in the door, Shen Yao, who thought she had just returned from working her part-time job, hesitated for a long moment before stating, “I was wrong.”
Laughing, Tong Yan kicked her on the foot. “Shoo, shoo, shoo. It’s all good. We don’t even need to say those sort of things between the two of us.”
Shen Yao breathed out in relief. “I knew it.”
Upon saying this, she immediately grabbed her mobile phone and began ardently texting back and forth, a broad grin on her face.
Tong Yan began organizing her books for this semester. Seeing this, Shen Yao suddenly wailed in anguish, “My advanced math!” At the same time, she tossed aside her phone, dug out a stack of papers, and began cramming for her course.
In the glow of the lamplight, the side profile of Shen Yao’s face as she did her practice problems made her want to laugh. After her books were all put in order, she automatically picked up her mobile phone to glance at the time, and she discovered then that it was still powered off.
“Yesterday, after you finished dinner, where did you go?” she asked Shen Yao out of the blue.
“Where’d we go?” Shen Yao did not even raise her head. “I brought them to my older brother’s bar, but some time after midnight, ‘that guy’ left. This morning, I ate breakfast with Cheng Yu and then took him to the train station.”
Shen Yao deliberately downplayed any talk of Lu Bei, but Tong Yan knew where he had gone after midnight.
Lu Bei’s text showed up on her phone shortly after she turned it on.
It had been past six o’clock when he sent it: I brought your favourite foods, the ‘candied ears[6]’ and yellow pea cake[7] from Xinjiekou Opening[8]. I’ve left them with that auntie, the staff at your dorm. I’ll come see you again next time.
Lu Bei style tone and temperament. Or perhaps it should be said, to her, he was always exceptionally good-tempered.
Just like when they first met.
At that time, Tong Yan was still a very strange-tempered person, and he was one grade lower than her. That day, it was her turn on student duty, and she happened to be responsible for the discipline of the seventh grade students. Wearing a red armband, she had patrolled back and forth on that entire floor.
She remembered, that morning, he had been late, and with his bag slung diagonally across his back, he had come running up. And then, she had stopped him, pointing at the top of the stairs and stating, “The school discipline for being late for morning self-study is to remaining standing until you’re released.”
He was taller than her by nearly twenty centimetres. Tilting his head, he looked grinningly at her. “Hey, tiny Big Sister, have mercy on me. If a teacher sees me, I’ll have to repeat my grade again.”
She did not even lift her eyes. “Take your standing punishment or else have five points deducted from your entire class. You choose.”
Before she had even finished saying this, the back door of his classroom was pulled open, and from the back row, guffaws burst out from several students who were all repeating the grade.
Silently, Tong Yan sat there and deleted the text message.
The next message was from Gu Pingsheng: Rest earlier. Good night. TK
What followed was the long period of final examinations. Wang Xiaoru had at last fully returned to join them in preparation for taking on this lengthy, wearying exam season. The following week was the final examinations for all the multi-discipline common courses, but from their dorm, only Shen Yao had one she needed to attend.
And so, on Monday morning, to review advanced mathematics, Shen Yao crawled out of bed shortly past six o’clock in the morning and began working on practice exam problems. When Tong Yan awoke, only a single small lamp was turned on. Outside, the sky was already lit, but for fear of waking the rest of them, Shen Yao had not opened the curtains.
Flipping on her table lamp, she planned on studying for a while inside her warm blankets. All of a sudden, Gu Pingsheng sent her a text message: Are you awake? TK
Try opening your curtains. TK
Her dormitory room was on the ground level, and her bed happened to be beside the window. She had told him this before.
And, when she slept, her head pointed toward the window …
She reached over, lifted open the curtain, and looked out the window.
In the rays of the early morning sun, he and the dean of the Law Faculty were strolling side by side, crossing the road outside of the dormitory building. The elderly man was walking very slowly, and each step he took wobbled. His gaze passed over the elderly man’s head and looked towards here, where she was.
Seeming to see that the corner of the curtain had been lifted up, he quickly brought his right index and middle fingers together and touched their tips to his forehead.
In a half-joking manner, he had used … an American military salute[9] to wordlessly say hello to her.
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