Chapter 8 – Seems to Fallen Apart. No Talent to be Loved

I finally found the reason why Kasumi stopped being an idol.

The next day, I wanted to talk to her and tell her that she didn't have to blame herself for what had happened.

    "Ren-kun, good morning."

    "... Ah, good morning.

There were only a few people in the classroom this morning, long before the entrance bell rang.

In a somewhat awkward atmosphere, Kasumi quickly sat down next to me.

Three days have passed and I still can't say anything.

The more I think about it, the harder it feels.

I don't know what to say, what to tell, if this act of mine is selfish or not and so on... I have messed up a lot of things and lost my ability to solve problems properly.

    “──But...No matter how much we experience together as an alliance, you are not my family or my lover, right?"

Even after such a long time, these words still pierce my heart.

She must have said it because she didn't want me to go any further.

Still, I wanted to get into it, so I took the unwise step of asking Fuyu-nee.

But now that I know Kasumi's past, I feel more and more distant from her.

If I could reach out to her with words like "It's not Kasumi's fault," the things Fuyu-nee said to her earlier would have reached her long ago.

It's not 'normal'.

Then what is 'normal'. What's the point of saying that?

There's a lot of things I want to tell her, like I want her to be happy, or I want her to smile like she used to. But when I wanted to tell her, I didn't know what to say.

    "..."

I secretly stole a glance at Kasumi's face.

I'm sure I should hear it directly from Kasumi.

It was a problem I wouldn't be able to solve until I gained her trust.

Maybe she already believed me, but the guilt and the doubt I feel hit me with a double blow.

I can't let this go on.

But I can't even talk to her with simple words like, "Hey, just listen to this".

Besides, I'm afraid that if I say something presumptuous again, Kasumi, who has tried her best to maintain the status quo between us, will be completely destroyed.

    "Please, just stop this act of yours."

That's all I thought, and I didn't say anything more in a rather long pause.

    "...Huh?"

    "Just act normal."

The words came out of my mouth as soon as I saw a pretty bad, untreated, dirty looking wound at the end of my eye.

    "Your knees, bleeding."

    "Ah..."

    "You didn't even notice, huh. That's what happens when you focus too much on something you're not used to."

Kasumi also put a handkerchief on the wound and laughed with a surprised look on her face.

    "What do you mean? It doesn't hurt at all, that's why I'm unconscious."

    "That's a lie. The wound won't be that bad unless you fall or rub it hard. You must be concentrating too much on it to look normal."

I know that my words are thorny. But I'm sure that if I don't, I won't be able to break through that layer of defense. I won't be able to reach Miru Kasumi!!

    "Of course, it's difficult, isn't it? I mean, Kasumi, just living is enough to make you stand out."

    "That's not true. Not at all lately."

    "Yeah, that's right, if you're so focused on acting like that."

    "...Wait, why are you being so aggressive? Did I cause you trouble, Ren-kun?"

As I continued to babble, Kasumi's expression changed as if she was annoyed.

Okay, I'll keep dragging you out!

    "I'm angry that I wasn't involved. We have been in the same alliance for a long time, and now you suddenly put some distance between us and say that this is not my business at all, there is no way I will take it for granted!"

    "...So you think that since we are friends, I can tell you everything? How is that possible? There are things that everyone can know, and there are things that I will really hide. Don't you understand that?"

Kasumi was furious.

Her original self is back. Her original tone returned.

We suddenly started to argue, and the eyes of the other students in the class were on us.

But I'm sure Kasumi didn't even notice.

    "I hate that kind of insensitivity, Ren-kun!!"

Because the only person she could see in her eyes right now was me.

Our eyes met clearly. She looked at me with her big, moist eyes.

    "That's fine with me. I'm the only one who needs to know about me. So you don't have to worry too much and I'll be a normal girl."

────I will not bother you again with our promise.

When I heard those words, something in my mind was startled and came out.

    "I don't care about myself anymore!! I don't care about that purpose of mine!"

I found myself shouting, and I didn't care about the opinions of my classmates in the class.

    "Don't change the subject! I'm talking about Kasumi now!"

Ah, it's really annoying.

She was always talking about others. She always put herself in the back corner.

She seems to think it's okay, but that's what really pisses me off!!

    "This is why I told you not to sacrifice yourself so quickly! I'm telling you, don't give up! Isn't that why you stopped being an idol?"

    "Did I ever say that?"

As a reflex, I covered my mouth in panic.

That's right. No word about it ever came out of Kasumi's mouth.

    "You never said that, but..."

I was confused and Kasumi looked at me sharply.

    "I don't know where you got that idea from, but don't judge me arbitrarily. First of all, I won't do this for people I don't care about!!"

She said it with a pained expression on her face, but she couldn't stop the words from coming out of her mouth.

With her confused words, Kasumi took a breath.

    "It's for everyone's sake, for Ren-kun's sake! That's why I tried so hard to control my feelings, even if you don't care! Why do you keep trying to stop me by acting like you know everything about me!? Do I look so desperate to be saved!?"

    "That's what I said, when have I ever told you that you are troubling me! Why do you think I have been struggling all these years!? I tried so hard to be a normal girl, but if you keep trying to fix everything, what's the point!? You should never have asked me to be in that movie in the first place! I held back like that when I was an idol too...!"

    "Yes, that's true. I just... people who don't think about my fans at all, who can only be idols for themselves and give up easily!"

────I always think of myself.

Kasumi mumbled as if she was talking to herself.

Suddenly we didn't look at each other anymore.

    "......"

    "Hey!? Wait!!"

Then, as if she felt that she was being toyed with, she stood up and ran out of the classroom.

I couldn't catch up with her because my feet were stuck to the floor.

    "......!"

What did I just do?

It's not even for Kasumi's sake and I'm just pushing her further.

I didn't want to tell her that it was hard, I just wanted to say that I wanted to do something for her too.

 

After that, Kasumi comes back as if nothing had happened and says that she is late because she is not feeling well.

Without showing any fault, without raising her voice, she played the role of a normal girl and went home without talking to anyone.

 

After school, I stood in front of the railroad crossing and listened to the noise that echoed in my head.

The wind was blowing loudly and I could hear the train coming.

As soon as I saw the train pass in front of me with a loud clatter, I started screaming.

    "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!"

My throat hurt and felt dry.

    "WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME, I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!!"

I began to feel intoxicated with how relieved I felt after that loud, deafening scream of mine.

    "WHY... WHY DO YOU ALWAYS TAKE IT ON YOURSELF AND THINK IT'S OKAY!!! WHY CAN'T YOU BE MY FRIEND! I CAN'T HELP YOU AT ALL!!"

I screamed as hard as I could, squeezing my throat over and over again.

    "I can't do anything..."

I fell to my knees as soon as the train had completely passed.

    "...If only I hadn't told her to appear in the movie in the first place..."

The sound of the train can no longer muffle my voice.

 

Side: Miru Kasumi

    "Isn't that why you stopped being an idol?"

    "......"

The words were so presumptuous that I almost cried involuntarily.

I can't just assume that he's wrong.

Maybe it's because I sacrificed myself for him.

 

    ‘Jyakin──'.

A harsh voice rang in my ears.

My head felt light. Something with red-sakura color slid down my cheek.

In front of me, someone was holding a pair of scissors.

It was the person who had joined the line to meet me, who was an idol.

My thoughts stopped. I was scared, I didn't understand what was happening, but, because I...

 

    Q: What is the most important thing for Mirufy right now?

    A: To give my fans a smile.

 

My emotions are not needed here, in this moment.

I don't know why I wanted to scream, but I pressed my throat and showed my best smile.

    "Thank you for coming!"

    "...Haaa, n-no way"

    "...Is something wrong?"

The man in front of me looked very scared.

    "Miru!! Miru! Are you okay?"

    "I'm fine. I'm not that tired yet. I can still shake hands, right?"

    "What did you say? Don't you know what he just did to you?"

The manager also rubbed a clean handkerchief over my cheek. Then I was escorted to the lounge.

There I saw a mirror for the first time.

    "Eh...?"

I realized that I was crying and one part of my twin tail that I loved was gone.

    "...My hair, was cut off."

I said it like it was someone else's problem.

I still didn't understand the situation.

    "But I'm fine. Really."

    "What do you mean, fine?"

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    "That's right. I'm okay. I can still do it... right?"

I want to talk to my fans a little bit more. I want to laugh with them. I want to tell them I love them.

I thought so, but when I saw the extremely deep look of fear on the manager's face, for some reason my head started to hurt and I fainted on the spot.

    "Ugh... Huh... Hyaa..."

My hair was wet from my unstoppable tears, and it felt very strange on my cheeks.

I can't breathe well. It hurts. I feel like crying? I want to vomit!

    "I... I have to go back."

I have to go back now.

Because there are people who haven't shaken my hand.

What if they don't like me?

What if I fail?

Does that mean I have already failed?

Suddenly my vision became blurred.

Love, hate and pain all mixed together.

It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.

Then I can only remember vaguely.

────I remember that I wasn't an idol, I was just 'Miru Kasumi'.

 

I woke up and found myself in my dorm bed.

My head felt lighter than usual. My hair is no longer the same length.

The twin-tail that usually swings in front of me is gone.

    "Ugh...!"

I'm more worried about the reaction of the fans than this kind of insignificance.

Because there are so many people lined up behind that person. I turn on my phone. The time is 21:00. The handshake event is long over.

I typed the word 'Mirufy' into my social media app and searched for the results.

    "Ah, I'm so frustrated. I've been waiting in line for 5 hours and I can't see Mirufy."

    "Mirufy is not feeling well, is she? I heard a commotion over there, is something going on?"

    "Do they know that Miru's hair is being cut off?"

When I searched the news application, I saw the words "Miru Kasumi is Not Feeling Well? Handshake Event Postponed". It seems that the management somehow managed to cover up the fact that someone had cut my hair.

    "That's good."

Well, then it doesn't matter if I lose my 'Mirufy' image a little bit.

I can be an idol again from now on, I thought.

    "That's not true…right?"

Because at this time, what am I prioritizing?

Which emotions do I prioritize?

The guilt of not being able to shake hands with my fans because I fainted and the fact that I wasn't hated by the fans outweighed my fear when my hair was suddenly cut.

    "Have I gone crazy?"

I also fell silent. It felt right when I mumbled it.

Yes, I've gone crazy. I don't know when it started.

Since when did I put my fans before my feelings of being loved───?

    "Mirufy, are you okay!?"

I looked up as I seemed to be attacked with the sound of crying.

Her long silver hair is beautiful. My admiration for graceful women. That person is Fuyuka-san.

    "Fuyuka-san, why are you here?"

I'm excited. This is the first time that other members have come to my room.

Even so, her behavior was strange.

    "...Um. Why are you crying?"

    "Why, umm…"

Fuyuka-san choked on her words and mumbled, "...I'm sorry. It was my fans who did that bad thing to you".

    "...Oh."

It doesn't matter.

Hair is the thing that grows back quickly.

    "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry..."

But actually Fuyuka-san is crying all the time while apologizing.

    "It's not your fault, Fuyuka-san. So please don't apologize anymore."

    "No... it's my fault because I'm not good enough!"

    "That's wrong...!"

    "That's it. Because I know Mirufy worked hard to take care of her hair, and said the fans like her very much..."

That's not the problem... right.

I finally understood. So that's it. That's the right answer.

Fuyuka-san is much more talented at being loved than I am.

As soon as I thought about whether she was really worthy of being an idol.

All of a sudden. I firmly believe that this is where my limits lie.

After all, how can an idol, who knows the limits of her abilities, smile again?

    "Fuyuka-san, I can't do my best anymore."

    "...Huh?"

    "I want to stop being an idol. I don't have the confidence to make everyone smile anymore..."

Yes. Unlike Fuyuka-san, who is innocent and simple.

    "Eh..."

Fuyuka-san is very kind and talented.

I knew that if I told her my situation, she wouldn't deny me.

    "...You can stop if you want. If Mirufy really wants to be a normal girl."

Fuyuka-san cried louder than before.

I think Fuyuka-san's tears are a hundred times more beautiful than mine.

My tears were dirty. Because what's the point of shedding my tears for myself?

There is no need to shed fake tears just to get sympathy, so I will stop my bad crying today.

Ah. Fuyuka-san, she is so great. She really deserves to be an idol, right?

I thought vaguely in my head.

    "I won't forget what my fans did to you, Mirufy. I will always stand on stage and carry all the weight that Mirufy felt all the time on my back!!"

This is the real idol. It seems that being a good idol is only in my head.

Because in the end, I just ran away because I felt sick.

Fuyuka-san, who will be facing the scar from now on, is obviously stronger than me.

    "Then... I can rest easy. I would be a normal girl!"

Not knowing what to do next, I can't hold back my tears anymore.

That's how I try to be a 'normal girl'.

 

    "Miru Kasumi thanked you all for everything."

I also officially announced my graduation and gave a graduation concert wearing a wig that I was not used to.

From that day on, I somehow felt broken.

I can't make eye contact with each of my fans. I had a hard time remembering what I said during my graduation concert, as if a fog had enveloped my head.

In my graduation message, I can only write my gratitude to all my fans and not a single word about my future.

I became an idol not to make my fans smile or to make them happy, but because I needed validation, I needed proof that someone really needed me and that it was okay for me to stay alive.

──────I became an idol for myself and stopped being an idol for myself.

After I stopped being an idol, I suddenly had a lot of free time, no energy for anything, and I just felt like an empty shell. And I realized that I was nothing if I didn't become an idol, I wasn't worth anything if I wasn't 'Mirufy'.

All the reporters at my graduation press conference asked me this.

    "What are you going to do after you quit being an idol?"

I don't know. I even want to know.

So, I decided to be 'normal' at least for now, because I didn't think I could be anything.

In fact, all I want is to be someone other than myself.

I don't want to bother anyone anymore and I don't want to fail this time.

    "──Because I want to be friends with you."

So why did I meet him?

He was the first person who didn't look at me as an idol.

Since when do I like the way he looks straight at me.

Since when can I breathe comfortably in a classroom that's unfamiliar to me.

    "Well, I'll make you a promise instead. As long as you insist on taking me with you, I will never leave you alone."

Because Ren-kun is here, I found the courage to start all over again. I'm ready to believe him.

He said we were an alliance, and he saw me as 'me'.

I think I can change by being with you.

I have a feeling that this time I will succeed.

────But in fact, the person who hurts Ren-kun the most now is me.

    "Ugh──..."

I can never change.

    "Haaa──────..."

To hold back the tears that were about to flow, I took a deep breath and let it out again and again.

    "I've always been grateful for your help and I like you. But... No matter how much we experience together as an alliance, you are not my family or my lover, right?"

What is it, what is the thing I really want.

Of course, after I said it like that, he got curious.

I can't blame Ren-kun for trying to dig into my past.

That's true. It's not that I don't want him to know about my past.

It's not that I don't want him to interfere.

Because in reality, I don't know because I've never felt this before, but I'm sure I consider him more valuable than a family or even more valuable than a lover.

I'm just scared.

I was just afraid that if he knew more about my true self, he would be disappointed by my empty self.

    "Are you afraid that I will hate you?"

Yes, really. I'm afraid. I'm very, very afraid.

Suddenly he was by my side. At first, I was confused and tried to act like an idol under the pretext of my habit, but Ren-kun was always straightforward, and without me noticing, I forgot to put up my layers of defense.

I always found myself looking at him when he was next to me.

Now I'm more afraid of being hated by Ren-kun than of being alone, or of being hated by all the fans who come to the Tokyo Dome.

    "...What should I do?

Since when did I develop such deep feelings for Ren-kun.

    "I can be a normal girl...!"

How can I change for Ren-kun, who tried so hard to help me?

Maybe he already hates me, but... Come on.

Since when had I become so selfish that I didn't want Ren-kun to hate me, even though it had caused him a lot of trouble.

    "I want to change, but...!"

I looked up and fanned my face with my hands, trying to keep my tears from flowing.

In my distorted vision, I wanted to be brave, and I kissed the sakura mark in my palm that seemed to be fading.

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