Chapter 52: 3-15 Regret

Stahlia, Twelve Years Old, Second Month of 948

“Thank you, Stahlia.” Sana bowed her head to me before continuing, “…Stahlia why didn’t you tell me?”

Huh? ‘Why didn’t I tell you?’ Tell you what…? “Sana, what did I not tell you? I apologize, but I haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about…”

Sana shot me a glare, “I suppose it makes sense. Now that I think about it, back in our village. All those times you got me to help you sneak out. How you’re able to do so many things. Why you went out without me and Sarala in Ang. How you were able to save Ris from the goblins. I just wish you had told me.”

Alright, this isn’t good. What has she figured out then? It was certainly one of only two things, my status as a champion, or my circumstances as a reincarnation. The former was drastically more likely. For now, I’ll try and get her to say it, just to make sure, “Sana, are you talking about…”

I left my sentence to trail off, hoping it would prompt her to speak further. Thankfully, it did, “Yes! You being the cursed champion!” So it was that after all. Well, I can’t fault the name, I would certainly consider myself in that manner; this shit is a curse. But how did she find out?

I let my shoulders visibly sag, “…How did you find out?” Confirming was dangerous, but I was reasonably sure that there was no chance of anyone in the church finding out. If she had told anyone, then I had a good feeling that the meeting with the cardinal just now would have gone very differently. This also confirms whether or not the champions are known or not; at the very least, the church knows about at least the Champion of Winter. Alright, let’s set some goals, Sana is my friend, but at the moment she’s also a source of information.

By the end of this conversation, I decided I wanted to know how Sana had figured it out, why she hadn’t told anybody, and if possible, what that oracle detailed. If I could learn that last thing, it would potentially give me a leg up on the church in their efforts to induct me. Sana blinked for a moment, surprise was written plainly on her face, “…I was expecting you to try and avoid answering me…”

I shrugged, “Well, I don’t see the point; I wasn’t planning on telling you but since you figured it out, I don’t mind that you know.” I intentionally used less refined speech, hoping to demonstrate my sincerity and reduce the distance between us. It was a bit manipulative, and I was certain I would feel bad about it later, but I needed at least the first two questions answered.

Sana smiled a bit awkwardly, “Well, I wish you had told me, but I’ll settle for you ‘not minding’ me knowing. But I guess you don’t really get that at this point; I thought you had changed in Ang after you came back from the forest. You’ve already started giving up your humanity, huh.”

I felt my heart jump into my throat. I, it makes sense that the church knows about that… they call the winter champion “cursed” and all. But hearing Sana say outright that I was acting inhuman was jolting. I’m… I’m making a lot of progress, as far as getting over that is concerned… “Yea… some stuff happened in the forest, with the demon.”

Nodding, Sana gave me a bit of a sad smile, “Don’t worry about it, now that I know you were serving the gods, I’ll do my best to help you.”

Right, though what you can do is probably really limited… “For now, can you tell me how you found out?”

Sana nodded, and then, as if she was saying nothing major at all, she announced, “Most holy Antenora told me.”

“…What?” I could only raise my eyebrow.

“Yea, when most holy Antenora gave the oracle to me and my sisters, she called me the ‘Friend of her champion’. Given your blessing from the dedication, and your actions so far, it wasn’t hard to figure out who she meant.” THAT FUCKING BITCH! I reflexively tightened my jaw and could feel a vein popping on my forehead. Sana recoiled a bit at my reaction. With a great deal of effort, I forced myself to calm down.

I was sorely tempted to use [Cold Hearted], but I didn’t want to lose this anger. If I was no longer angry at the gods for how they were playing games with me, there was a good chance I would become complacent. Still, I need to work on my emotional outbursts. Getting this upset… Well, in a way it’s justified, that trash goddess tried to get Sana involved in her plots. But I shouldn’t scare Sana.

Sufficiently calmed, I apologized to Sana. It was, unfortunately, not an entirely convincing apology, but she took it in stride. It’s probably best if I move the conversation along, I’ll make sure to apologize again, once I move past Asten. “Alright, Sana, if Antenora said that to you and your sisters am I right to assume that the church knows as well?”

Sana shook her head, “No, the church doesn’t know. Sable and Misha didn’t hear it exactly, they said the words were muddled a bit; it was them who said that most holy Antenora called me  ‘friend of the friend of my sister.’ though I was the one who said it was probably you.”

So you were the one who got me involved in this… But if you heard her clearly… why did you lie to the church…? “Sana… did you lie?”

Sana’s face turned mildly angry at the suggestion that she had lied to the church. “I most certainly did not! Lying to a higher-ranked member of the church is a grave sin! If you are the Champion of Winter, then you would also be Caina’s friend, would you not?”

That’s… that’s really flimsy reasoning, but I guess you’re not wrong? But why in the world would you even come to that conclusion in the first place…? I imagine the first impulse would have been to tell. After all, from your point of view, I’m sure being a champion is a great honor. Even if it is the so-called cursed champion, “Sana, why didn’t you just tell them that I was the champion?”

When in doubt, it’s best to just ask I guess. Somehow, I feel like unless I’m explicit, I won’t get any real answers… Sana blinked and showed a confused look on her face, “…Right… why didn’t I tell the cardinal…?” After a moment her confusion vanished. Nodding, “Right, it’s more interesting if I don’t tell him.”

It’s… more interesting? What the hell is that supposed to mean…? I could only speculate, but I had the sneaking suspicion that someone or something had messed with Sana’s head, in order to stop her from telling the church about me. Antenora? No. If she didn’t want Sana to say anything, she wouldn’t have called Sana the ‘friend of my champion’. It’s safe to say that Antenora was trying to tie me to the church.

So, who or whatever muddled Sana’s thought process wants me away from the church… the demons? The demons were a possibility, but that would mean Sana had been compromised at some point. Sitri could have done something… But I feel like Antenora, a literal goddess, would have noticed if there was some sort of demon ability on her. Then again, Antenora didn’t do anything about Dominic’s charm on me…

Let’s just move on for now, with the knowledge that thanks to someone messing with my friend’s head, my secret is safe from the church… With two of my original goals answered, I hesitated. Asking too much would potentially push her away from me. Well, just asking once and then respecting her answer shouldn’t hurt. “I see, Sana, would you tell me what else Antenora said? The rest of the oracle?”

She shrugged and laid it out for me, “Well, you already know part of it. Most holy Antenora spoke of the advent of the Second Seat of the Nine Kings.” Well, no. I knew that was something that was going to happen. Knowing that it has happened is good though. But, it sounds like there’s a part two to this. I took a sip of my juice and nodded at Sana, prompting her to continue.

“As for the other thing, there’s a thirteenth god!” Sana’s eyes were sparkling as she told me, and she seemed barely able to contain her excitement.

For my part, I was choking. Ahk! A what!? It was just what I needed. Twelve of the fuckers was a big enough pain in my ass, and now I was being told they had multiplied. Sana nodded emphatically and passed me a cloth to wipe the dribble of juice from my chin, “I know, it’s certainly exciting. Though I’m not so sure what most holy Antenora meant specifically; the exact words were ‘a thirteenth god was briefly born.’ That part confused the cardinal as well. Records show that the details are usually a lot more consistent.”

Sana’s words, once again, caused my heart to jump. Hesitating, as I was actually a bit scared of the answer, I asked her, “Sana… when did… when did the oracle get made?”

“The twenty-fourth day of the eleventh month. I’ve had to wait nearly four months to tell you!” She put on a tone of faux outrage at the last part, but I wasn’t paying that much attention; I had just come to a sickening realization.

The twenty-fourth… that was when I used my [Divine Authority] to grant Jacqueline [Charm Immunity], before falling into a coma… Mortis said that his “authority” was over death. What if he meant he had the skill [Divine Authority(Death)]? If that’s the case, then I used the power of a god to influence the system… then the “thirteenth god being ‘briefly’ born” …was me? I did my best to recall the specific contents of the notice windows I had seen while using my authority. However, like all of my windows, the specifics were vague and fuzzy.

I’m pretty sure it said something about “lacking Divine Element”, and charged me a year of life. At the time, I figured that it meant that the skill required mana aspected with Divine Element, but what if it meant something else? Some key difference that sets a human apart from a god?

“Stahlia, are you alright? You look faint.”

Jerking up, I saw Sana watching me with concern written across her face. Right, questions for later. So many questions, “I’m fine. Just… overwhelmed. A thirteenth god is… it’s monumental isn’t it.”

Sana smiled happily, “Yes! It’s a great event indeed!” I could only smile wanly at my friend’s excitement. Well, this was a lot more fruitful than I thought it would be. At this point, I should probably make sure there isn’t anything Sana wants to ask… it bothers me that she’s had something done to her, but I shouldn’t go poking at that blindly. It was a difficult decision to make; I wanted to help her, but I couldn’t lie to myself that Sana being prevented from telling the church about me was a great aid.

There also wasn’t that much I could do. I could potentially grant her a skill or talent, but that would put me into a coma again. Not to mention, without knowing what exactly was done, I wouldn’t know what to give her. It could be a charm, or it could be confusion or outright mind control… and she isn’t that high leveled, so her LP total will be fairly low.

“Sana, that’s everything I want to know. Before the cardinal comes back, is there anything you wanted to hear about Ris? The priest wished for me to carry you his good wishes, and the knowledge that he prays for your success every day.”

At my statement, Sana became wistful and got a distant look in her eyes, “…A whole year, huh…”

I frowned, “I’m sorry Sana, did you say something?”

She shook her head, “No, it’s nothing important. Stahlia… could you send a letter for me? Just let the priest know that I’m doing well and pray for his health.” I mean, yea, I could do that. But why don’t you?

“I think, that he would prefer to get such a letter from you though?” Phrasing my statement as a question, I also slipped back into my more noble manner of speech.

Sana shook her head, appearing sad for a moment before gritting her teeth and wiping the frown off her face, “No, that isn’t possible. We aren’t allowed into the city without permission. If I were to try and write a letter, the cardinal wouldn’t let me send it. My apologies, forget I asked.”

He wouldn’t let you send it? Why in the world…? I was about to ask Sana what she meant when the door opened and the cardinal called out. No sound reached my ears though, and in a rush, I disabled my custom silence spell. Ah… I forgot to account for letting a door knock or some other signal through… With the spell now terminated, the cardinal likely noticed he could hear what was going on inside the room again, as he repeated himself, “Lady Stahlia, apprentice Sana. My apologies, but Lady Stahlia has been called back by Lord Francois.”

Throughout this all, he pointedly avoided looking at the broken statue. I made a mental note to casually mention to the third prince the fact that the church had placed me in a room with an active listening tool. Glancing at Sana, I saw that she had effected a calm and composed face, but her lip was quivering slightly. I’ll write that letter I think, and inquire as to what exactly she meant by “the cardinal wouldn’t let me send it.” It was the least I could do for my friend. I’ll also have to find a way to check up on her from time to time and watch to make sure that whatever happened to her mind isn’t having any other effects.

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I had set out today with a few simple goals, and now had a veritable swamp of things to take care of. And so far, my only actual ally is still Jacqueline. I had originally been planning to start sounding out Edith, but given the circumstances of our meeting, I hadn’t been able to do so.

The cardinal handed me and Jacqueline off to the same attendant priest as before, and we were escorted out of the temple. Apparently, they wanted to get me out of there as soon as possible, because the guide took a somewhat altered route. While convoluted, it skipped around most of the paintings, so we only had to stop a couple of times.

Once I was back on my carriage, I slumped back. While I hadn’t noticed at the moment, I had been in a state of high tension since I stepped foot within the temple. There was no real way for me to be able to tell if that tension was from being so close to the gods, from the fear over the church’s machinations, or some other source. Most likely, it was a combination of all of the above.

★★★★★★

While heading back to the Francois Estate, I took a moment to collect myself and iron out all the major points and new information I had learned, as well as try and figure out what my next actions should be. I had learned that Antenora was definitely not acting in my best interests. Well, I had already known that. I had learned she was actively acting against them now though.

I had also learned that there was something that was, if not on my side, at least for now helping me avoid some of the god’s schemes. That someone was fairly powerful as well since they had interfered with the actions of a goddess. Tangential to that was the knowledge that the church was not only aware of the existence of champions, they even had some idea as to what abilities they had. At least enough of an idea to name the Champion of Winter “cursed” and describe the loss of humanity that would come from the overuse of [Cold Hearted].

I’ll have to ask Sana what she knows about the other champions when I get the chance. That information would most likely turn out extremely useful. The only reason I hadn’t done so, was to avoid monopolizing the conversation. As it was, I had sort of wound up doing that anyway. Then when I asked Sana if she had anything she wanted to know, she had wound up getting extremely depressed. Definitely need to send the priest that letter.

As for the rest of my future actions, I now had to contend with the church trying to recruit me. On one hand, it was a way out of my engagement. On the other hand, hell no. The absolute last thing I want is to become a willing pawn of those gods. I would actually rather get married and have his kids like a good noble wife than that. No, joining the church was so much of a last resort that it wasn’t even on the list of possible resorts.

…There’s my hatred of the gods as well. I feel like I might be overreacting a bit recently… something to keep an eye on. No, I needed a way out of both the engagement to Dominic and a way to dodge the church. For the latter, I could do what I had thought of earlier, and tell Count Francois. I was certain he would be able to head them off, given his position within the third prince’s faction. But relying on him would basically all but seal my engagement in stone. There would be no way to get out of it after taking out such a large favor.

Again, I circled around to the idea of trying to get into another noble house. Either the Claurence or the Lawrence Dukedoms. The issue with that was the lack of candidates. While Edith had a younger brother she had no older brothers. The younger brother was also a bit too young; by the time he was fifteen and allowed to marry I would be in my early twenties, legally.

The Lawrence house, aside from the issue of them having taken over from the Despita, didn’t have a valid candidate at the moment either; Duke Lawrence had only one son, who was already married. There was the possibility of trying to enter the house as a second wife or a concubine, but while arranging a political marriage was one thing, I didn’t feel comfortable going with the latter route.

Actually, when did I get comfortable with the thought of getting married in the first place…? When I left for winter break, I certainly didn’t think this way… so… something changed in Ris? The only three things that came to mind were my re-bonding with my immediate family; that had certainly had an effect on me. Then there was the goblin slaughter, which had also affected me. But I doubted that the effects of the goblin slaughter would cause my opinions regarding marriage to change that drastically.

Then, the third thing. Going into a coma and aging a year? According to Jacqueline, I’m a bit closer to where my body should be now… as if that growth spurt corrected an issue of some kind. If I assume that my entire body aged forward a year, then… Ah. That realization made a whole lot of things click into place. I was twelve now, and had started puberty two years ago according to my biological age.

So, the overreacting bursts of anger, my general attitude changes, my forgetfulness and sensitivity to people pushing me around… Great, I guess that is going to happen soon. It was exceedingly likely, given what I knew, that my body was currently experiencing a hormone spike. I would probably have my first period this month or the next. A thought that caused me to shudder. Jacqueline picked up on my reaction and looked at me questioningly.

“Jacqueline… have I been acting abnormally recently?” Jacqueline paused and thought for a moment before nodding.

“Yes, now that you mention it. You have seemed a bit distracted, and prone to bouts of anger over minor things. You’ve been eating a bit more than usual as well.” After a moment she added, “From what you told me of your memories, am I correct to assume that you are asking because you suspect that Nymphos will soon grace you?”

The mention of one of the goddesses made my eyebrow twitch, so I took a moment to forcibly stop it before I nodded grimly, “Yes, I was considering that possibility.”

Jacqueline gave me a reassuring smile, “Then, I shall prepare additional luggage. Just in case.”

It took me a moment to connect what Jacqueline was saying. Once I realized the meaning of the word “luggage” I blushed bright red and turned my head away from Jacqueline to hide my face. Doing my best to tune out Jacqueline’s giggle and grumbled to myself, “It’s not like I want to deal with this shit…”

★★★★★★

Following a bland meeting with Count Francois, in which I told him the absolute bare minimum about what the church had wanted, I retired to my bedroom. Thankfully my side building was fairly well isolated. The past few days, since returning to Drakas, I had been using my own bedroom for my nightly ritual. Today would be no different. Once Lucy and Frieda had left my room; I had established that Jacqueline would be the one staying in the attached attendant room. In retrospect, the way I had done it was perhaps a bit touchy, but it served my purposes.

Since I was doing this in my room now, I no longer needed Jacqueline’s help to loosen my clothes. The nightgown I had been given was already loose enough. Sitting in the middle of my bed, I watched as Jacqueline moved around the room locking windows and the doors. She looked over at me for confirmation and I nodded. Jacqueline cast silence and I closed my eyes. Right, let’s do this then. Enable Remorse.

At my mental command, my remorse switched on and I was once again confronted with all the things I should have felt guilty about over the course of the day. Most things were small; I had been a bit short with Elienor, I had been irritated with Lucy just doing her job and looking out for me. Other things were a bit harsher; I was confronted with how I had scared Sana with my angry outburst.

Still, those were all simple enough to move past. The hard parts always came after. I found myself sitting back in the room in front of Sana, “No… he wouldn’t let me send the letter, even if I wrote one.”

The skill’s recreation of my memory amplified Sana’s sad expression, dialing up the emotional weight by adding tears. I felt my stomach lurch and had to fight to keep down dinner. We had placed a bucket in the room, and if I lost control Jacqueline would help keep my aim intact. Soiling the bed would simply create more work for my maids, and more guilt for me. Even so, I knew now how to get over things like this before the blowback got too harsh.

“Sana, I’m sorry I asked why you couldn’t do it yourself; I’m going to write that letter, and get to the bottom of things.” The trick was to avoid speaking empty words; I meant what I was saying to the figment of Sana.

The skill manifestation smiled wanly and shook its head, “No… it’s too late don’t worry about me. Find your sister.”

I felt a lightning dagger lance through the front of my head. So, this one is really bad then. Over the past half a year, I had gradually become able to categorize how guilty different scenarios made me based on the amount of blowback I was forced to endure. This one with Sana was on the high end. In a way, it was a testament to how much I cared about her. I bowed my head and let the headache assault me while doing my best to control my stomach. After a few moments of enduring I met the figment’s eyes, “Even so, I am sorry, Sana. I’ll send the letter, but you’re right; I won’t be able to help you with your problems for some time yet. I’m sorry about that, but I have to find Rosial.”

The figment of Sana opened and closed its mouth as tears began to trickle from the corners of its eyes. Forcing myself to hold that resolve, I maintained eye contact until the manifestation of my guilt had faded. That one was on the higher end, so I would guess that next is… yea. I felt the memory of a moonlit forest clearing flood through my head once again. Sitri was standing over me. I was too injured to do much of anything. Jacqueline, Dominic, and Asten were unconscious. Stil was putting on a brave front, but in this memory world, I could see his fear clearly. Stil had known how outclassed we were from the moment Sitri arrived. But he had still followed my orders loyally.

Stil isn’t why I keep getting dragged back here though. I exerted my will on the memory world and dragged my body to its feet. Ignoring Sitri, as she wouldn’t actually do anything, I moved to Asten’s side. This was a trick I had learned just a month ago; by enduring the constant pain and nausea I was able to manipulate the skill’s manifestations. Once I had learned how to do this, I had become able to clear the lesser trials much more efficiently. But as of yet, I hadn’t been able to get past this one.

I had tried forgiving myself. I had tried asking the manifestation of Asten for forgiveness. I had tried swearing to kill Sitri and avenge him. I had tried a dozen and more other things, but I was still stuck in this quagmire. The past handful of nights, I had simply sat with his unconscious body until the pain in my head and stomach grew too much to bear and I was forced to disable remorse. The memory had him in an unconscious state, so it wasn’t like I could actually interact with him much.

I sat with him for hours, but since this was a memory, it may well have just been minutes. Or no time at all. Eventually, I would be forced out by the pain and discomfort. Three to four hours would have passed in real-time. But in this memory, time was still. I just wish… I knew… what I was getting myself into. If that damned death god hadn’t come and put me on a suicide mission, then this wouldn’t have happened! The thought of Mortis and his stupid beak mask made my blood boil. This wasn’t the first time I had followed this train of thought, and I knew it wouldn’t lead anywhere helpful.

But it feels good to vent my frustrations. After all, it’s his fault. Everything wrong with this world can be traced back to those fucking assholes calling themselves gods. If not the twelve, then the two above them. Those bastards created the Nine Kings in the first place! I slammed my hand down on the memory grass. There wasn’t any feeling of impact, but the movement felt good.

For another length of time, I stewed in irritation and anger at the gods. Is it something in my contract with Sitri that prevents me from forgiving myself? I ran through the implanted memories of the negotiation with Sitri. Just like the last dozen or so times I had that thought I didn’t find anything. I’m just going in circles, like a hamster on some sort of divine wheel, I’m starting to see why winter is the “cursed champion”. …Maybe I should just call it quits early tonight.

The headache had been progressing steadily, and I had a feeling I wouldn’t be able to resist the urge to vomit much longer. Yea that sounds good. Getting angry isn’t going to help anything, I’ll just try again tomorrow night… I was about to send the command to my skill to turn off remorse when I paused. I had a sudden thought. Getting angry? I was angry, because of the gods using me. Everything that had happened to me seemed to be playing into their divine plan or some bullshit.

But… is it really their fault? Antenora… Just thinking about her made me angry. After hesitating, I turned off anger; It was a risk, but I was onto something, I just knew it. I couldn’t let my hormonal screwy emotions get in the way of this. Antenora… told me Rosial was still alive. Without her, I wouldn’t have recovered from my depression nearly as quickly as I did. I wouldn’t have gotten Jacqueline on my side. Sure, she gave me the [Blessing of Winter] in the first place, basically tricking me into becoming a champion. So in a way, it’s partially her fault that I’m in this predicament now…

But I was the one who willfully turned on the skill. I was the one who came to rely on it… Mortis as well. He told me about Sitri. He probably, no he definitely knew that fight was impossible for me. But if I had stopped to think for even two seconds I could have figured that out as well… Sure, he set me up, but I walked into the trap. He’s in the wrong for setting the trap, but it was my cockiness that led to the situation.

I glanced down at Asten’s unconscious body. A sharp lance of pain seared my skull, causing me to grunt. Urk! I’m almost out of time… “Asten, I’m sorry. All this time, I’ve thought I was taking responsibility. But deep down I was blaming Mortis, blaming Antenora, blaming the Goddess of Light and the God of Dark… Sure, they aren’t blameless. But the fault was mine; it was my choice to go out that night. My choice not to turn back after you and Dominic joined… I’m sorry.”

As the apology left my lips, a wave of nausea washed over me. This one was too much to bear, and I felt my stomach contents begin to rise. But that didn’t matter now; Asten’s body was starting to fade. The grass, dirt, and trees were starting to fade. Jacqueline, Dominic, Stil, and Sitri were starting to fade. The memory was fading.

“I’m sorry Asten! For everything… I promise… I won’t forget the lessons I learned…” The memory faded completely, and I found myself looking down into a bucket of sick. Jacqueline was dabbing at my mouth with a washcloth while doing her best to support me without her arm. Looking down at her stump, I felt a twinge of guilt. I was out of the enforced guilt state and I still had my remorse enabled. I had beaten the skill. I felt tears begin to build up in my eyes.

As the tears continued to fall, I fixed Asten’s face in my mind. Not relying on [Eidetic Memory]. I treated it the same way I did the contents of my menus and did my best to fix it into my natural memory. I meant every word I said to my memory of him; I would never forget.

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