Chapter 10: 10 ~ Everything at Once

It was a long walk home from the student center after game night. Which meant a lot of time to think, to go over the night again in my head in more detail, and to realize just how badly I had fucked things up.

Ahead of me, Avery was practically skipping. Jenn was next to him, catching up on however his night had been – apparently far better than mine. I trudged along a bit behind the two of them, my thoughts curdling even further as I went.

What the fuck did I think I was doing? Mark had specifically warned me that Bex was in a weird place. And what had I done? Ignored that, pushed myself in where I wasn’t welcome, all because… why? Just a whim? Bex was so nice about it, so incredibly kind, but it was clear to me now that she had never asked for my presence. 

And who would? Christ, she more or less trusted me enough to come out to me, and how did I immediately respond? By hitting on her. I was such a fucking creep. Why would anyone want to hang out with me? All I was good for was making things weird and bringing other people down. I was a miserable person who only cared about themself.

I mean, look at what I was doing to Cerise. 

Fuck... Cerise. Now my mind went down an entirely different trail, but this one was no more pleasant. I hadn’t even thought about Cerise tonight, I had just thrown away all of my thoughts and feelings about her and gone chasing after the first person who walked in front of me. And I felt shitty about that, even if… Even if I didn’t know how I felt about Cerise. I knew I was treating her terribly, too. 

…Not with the trans stuff. I… I still feel like she needed the encouragement there. Maybe that was okay. But I felt like I was using her. I was making this about me when it should have been about her. Just look at our last conversation: I had specifically stalled, not wanting to help push her further because of my own insecurities and loneliness.

All I did was hurt people.

I used to think that hurting other people was my way to get back at a world that had only ever hurt me to begin with. But did Bex deserve that? Did Cerise deserve that? Heck, did Avery deserve the way I treated him half the time?

It’s no wonder that no one wanted to be around me. I didn’t want to be around me. But I didn’t have a choice. I was stuck in this shitty body. Forever.

God, now my eyes were burning. Not like I was crying. Just, like. I dunno. Allergies. I rubbed at them, trying to breathe evenly.

“Hey, are you okay?” Jenn said from my right. She reached out to rest a hand lightly on my shoulder. “You look, uh… not great.”

On the other side, now Avery was there, his voice soft with concern. “Need to talk about something?”

God, right on time. Now here I was, making everything about me, bringing them down. I was the worst. And I was definitely, unquestionably crying now. Fuck.

I couldn’t see that much as the two of them pulled me along to a bench somewhere nearby, but then we were sitting, and then… I don’t really know why, but Avery had his arm around my shoulders, and Jenn was softly rubbing my back, and I was bawling my eyes out. We sat like that for several minutes, because it seemed like every time I was about to get a handle on things, I’d realize just how much of a burden I was being to the two of them, and how I didn’t deserve them, and then I’d spiral again. But Avery would just squeeze me closer, and Jenn would murmur something reassuring…

When I finally managed to regain some control, albeit with the occasional wet hiccup, Jenn produced some tissues from somewhere and I tried to clean up the mess.

“Would it help to talk about it?” Avery said.

I mean, would it? What would I even say? ‘I’m a total walking disaster who only thinks about themself and is currently in the process of torturing a trans girl online for my own amusement?’ Yeah, right. Then I’d have to explain everything. And I really didn’t want to do that.

I just…

“Why do you put up with me?” I asked.

Yeah. That was a start.

Avery and Jenn shared a look. “Because you’re my friend,” Avery said.

“Yeah. Because you’re Avery’s friend,” Jenn chimed in. Avery must have made some kind of face at her, because she followed that up with “What? It’s true.”

I buried my face in what was left of the tissues. “But I’m a bad friend,” I said through a pile of snotty kleenex.

“No, you’re not,” Avery immediately protested.

“Yeah, he totally is,” Jenn cut in. 

“Jenn! This isn’t helping.”

“No, she’s right.” I took a shuddery breath, afraid I was going to start crying again. “I— I’m just garbage. I don’t know why you don’t just leave me here.”

“Hold on, I’m not done,” Jenn said. She sighed loudly, but gently started rubbing my back again. “Look, you are kind of a little shit. It’s true. But also… I guess I kind of like that about you. You’re my friend, too, okay? Please don’t tell anyone.”

I couldn’t help it. I let out a muffled laugh.

“You’re not a bad person, Grickett. You just treat people badly sometimes. So do better. You don’t have to change everything about yourself. That’s honestly not even something I’d want. You just need to learn to be a bit more honest. To see other people outside of yourself. And to recognize the difference between being snarky and being outright cruel.”

“That’s… hard,” I said.

“Yeah, no shit.”

I sat there for a moment, thinking about it. It still felt like I was just being selfish and manipulative – trying to round off my rough edges only so that other people would like me. I wished I knew how to be good on the inside, to want things for other people because I earnestly cared for them. But I just felt like such trash.

“I’d still probably fuck it up,” I muttered.

Avery smiled. “Then we’ll deal with that as it comes up. We all fuck up sometimes.”

“Avery Bergman, did you just say ‘fuck’?” Jenn gasped. “My sweet summer child, have you been corrupted like the rest of us?”

Now I was giggling, as Avery sputtered and Jenn grinned at him.

“Thanks, you two,” I said quietly, after regaining my composure.

Avery squeezed my shoulders again. “No problem.”

“If you don’t mind talking about it, what exactly happened that set you off?” Jenn said. “I thought we were all having a pretty good time.”

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I looked down at the ground. Be a bit more honest, Jenn had said.

“I asked Bex out. They said no. Well, they said they just wanted to be friends.”

Avery and Jenn both were looking at me with their eyes wide. I blushed under the stares.

Jenn whistled to herself. “You really just go for it, huh?”

“Not like it did me any good.” I sighed, as the anxieties reared their head again, ready to tear me down. But sandwiched between the two of them, I felt more secure at least.  “I just… Can I ask kind of a weird question?”

“Absolutely,” Avery said.

I gulped. “Am I…” Cute, is what I wanted to say. But that had to be wrong. “Attractive?” I finished, awkwardly.

Two sets of eyebrows shot up as both of them continued staring at me.

“I mean in an objective sense. You know. Um.”

Now Jenn and Avery were sharing a very strange look, both of them looking uncomfortable.

“I… don’t think there is any such thing as objective attractiveness,” Avery said. I gave him a withering look, but he continued on. “No, I mean it. No matter how you look, I guarantee there are some people who are deeply attracted to you and some people who never will be.”

“That’s spectacularly unhelpful.”

Avery sighed. “Look, you’re— you’re just not my type, okay?”

I blinked. “Oh. Right. Because I’m a guy.”

Jenn snickered, and I felt like I was missing something important. Huh?

“N-no,” Avery said. “Um. I like guys. …Why did you think I needed your help asking Mark out?”

“Wait, what? I just thought you wanted to be friends but had some kind of sudden social anxiety.”

“Is that what they’re calling a crush these days?” Jenn laughed.

Avery was beet red. “Th— the point is, I do like guys, but you’re just not my type. I mean at one point, back in high school, I sort of… um. Entertained some thoughts about what it might be like if we dated, but ultimately I think I can only see you as a friend.”

“He means you’re not manly enough.”

“Jenn!”

She was still giggling.

“Is that it?” I said, poking Avery in the ribs, hard. “Am I not manly enough for you?”

"Ow! Stop it! Either stop poking me or stop grinning at me like that, it’s unsettling!”

A warm feeling spread throughout my chest. Was this what friendship was supposed to be like? Joking with each other, but in a way where you were all in on it, not at anyone’s expense? It was… nice.

I turned to Jenn instead. “Okay, what about you?”

Her laughter abruptly cut off in a choked sound. “Huh?”

“I put Avery on the spot, so… your turn.”

It was certainly very fun to see her look like a deer in the headlights now. Avery watched with apparent interest in her answer.

But then, she gathered her composure, the careful mask of a smirk slipping across her lips. “I’m gay too, you dork.”

“Wait, seriously? How did I not know this about either of you?”

Avery and Jenn glanced at each other. “You didn’t notice that both of us kept going to LGBTQ Alliance events?”

“Oh.” I rubbed my head. “Okay.” I couldn’t help but try to salvage the brief awkwardness with an attempt at a joke though. “That wasn’t an actual answer to my question.” 

Jenn laughed. She took a moment to dramatically look me up and down, still smirking. But… a faint red colored her cheeks? 

“I’ll tell you what, Grickett,” Jenn finally said. “I have a firm girls-only policy, but if you ever decide to embrace your femininity, give me a call.”

What with all of the residual emotions, that thought set me off, and I couldn’t help but be consumed with giggling that was practically manic. Avery joined in too, and soon all three of us were laughing our asses off.

I mean, me as a girl? Can you even imagine?

...

It was so ridiculous, that I couldn’t stop imagining it.

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