Chapter 22: 22 ~ Both Belong

It turns out I really, really liked kissing Bex.

Maybe it was me being tired of being the one yanked around -- whether metaphorically by the consequences of my actions, or more literally by, uh, suspiciously-entirely-too-supportive girls -- but it was nice to feel in control for once.

At first I kissed Bex kind of tentatively, pulling back afterwards, to make sure it was okay and that I wasn’t doing something wrong somehow. What I saw was her, eyes still closed, lips curling into a smile, in this way that... Well, it’s not like I really had any other choice but to kiss her again. Harder.

And then we kind of both lost our balance and fell over onto the bed, and I discovered to my delight that if I kept kissing her, she started making these sounds and I was determined to hear all of them, even if that meant I was just going to have to keep it up all night. 

And, um, things very well might have continued in that direction, progressing naturally towards something that would make my brain melt to think about directly, but which I also felt pretty confident we'd figure out if we took one step at a time. 

But…

“Gwen,” she breathed out.

I hummed softly, pulling away, only to move my lips to her ear. “Yes?” I whispered, and then nibbled lightly at her earlobe.

That got me a particularly delectable squeak.

“Gwen, I— wait, um…” She broke off into another breathy moan, but then rallied. “Wait. Gwen. Stop!”

And at that last word, I froze, pulling back again.

She panted for a moment, her eyelashes fluttering as she caught her breath. God, she was really beautiful.

“Is everything okay?” I said. “Am I going too fast? We can— we can stop or slow down. Whatever you need, really.”

She swallowed, a shadow crossing her face. I wanted to kiss it away again, but instead I waited, my concern for her growing. 

“I— I don’t think we can do this, after all. I think I’m taking advantage of you.”

“Um,” I said. My hand slipped out from under her shirt, where it had been exploring the soft skin of her back. “I’m pretty certain I’m taking advantage of you here.”

Her blush deepened. “That’s… not exactly what I mean.”

“Am I doing something wrong? Am I making you uncomfortable?”

“No, that’s not it.” She hid her face behind her hands. “Definitely not. I like this too much. Like… Jeez.”

My eyebrows furrowed. “Then what?”

She peeked out at me again. “I just expected a kiss, you know, as like something to remember this by. This, um, this is a lot. If we… uh. If we continue, I’ll never be able to actually go through with what I have to do next.”

I blinked. The confusion remained, but now creeping fear started to send a chill through me. “Bex, you’ve lost me. What do you mean? What do you have to do next?”

She reached up, cupping my face in one of her hands. “Let you go.”

“What?” I shook my head, feeling panicked. “Why? No. I like you. And you like me, right? That’s it.”

“You shouldn’t be with me,” she said. “You should be with someone better.”

I stared at her, not even sure how to respond to that. “I want to be with you,” I finally said.

“Answer me honestly,” she said, a melancholy smile on her face. “How do you feel about Jenn?”

I recoiled, my eyes wide. “What?” 

She just kept sadly smiling, waiting for my answer.

What was I even supposed to say? She means nothing to me, babe!, like some shitty dude caught cheating on his girlfriend? I couldn’t bring myself to say that. 

“I like you,” I said to Bex. “I like you. I like you.”

“I know,” she said. “And I like you too. But we’re not talking about us right now. I want you to give me an honest answer. How do you feel about Jenn?”

“Bex…”

“Gwen.” She kept gazing up at me and I couldn’t look away from her eyes. “Please.”

I took a deep breath. How was I supposed to answer that?

I mean, sure, Jenn was… well, she was the closest thing I had to a best friend. Avery was a good dude, but he was also kind of clueless. I felt like Jenn kind of got me on an entirely different level. She had been the one to help me pick up the pieces when I was falling apart, to help me put everything back together again. She was able to give me tough love when I needed, and much more gentle treatment when I needed that too. I couldn’t quite imagine not having her around. Which was maybe sort of weird, given that we had only recently become close. And sure, we still fought all the time, but now it all came from this strangely nice place of mutual respect. I don’t know of anyone else that I felt like I could have that exact relationship with.

I swallowed “She’s very important and dear to me,” I said slowly. “I— I love her. But not in a romantic way. It’s not like that could even be possible.”

Bex chewed on her bottom lip. “Why?”

“Because she’s not interested in me,” I said simply.

Bex stared at me, one eyebrow raising slightly. “Are you sure?”

I guess Bex didn’t know that Jenn was gay? She was into girls, not— 

Oh. Um.

I was—

I had told Jenn that I was a trans girl. Like directly. Didn’t I?

“No no no no,” I said. “I’m— I’m me. Why would she be into this?”

“I’m into you,” Bex said. “You’re cute.”

I blushed even harder. “If you’re into me, why are you asking me all this?”

Bex just smiled enigmatically. “Look, what if I told you I knew that she liked you?”

I snorted. “Uh huh. And how would you know that?”

“Because she basically told me as much. When we first got here, while you were off upstairs or whatever. We had some time to talk, and well… She kept talking about how important you were to her. I think it was because she figured that you had chosen me instead of her, and wanted to make sure I treated you right. But I think if you've 'chosen' me, that’s only because you haven’t considered her as an option.”

“But… I…”

“I like you, Gwen. I’d be super lucky to get to date you. But I want what’s best for you, not what’s best for me. Besides, we barely know each other. You and Jenn already have something together... I mean, you should have seen your face when you were talking about her earlier. You light up when you talk about her. I think you’d be doing yourself a disservice if you didn’t pursue that.”

Everything felt kind of fuzzy and distant as I tried to rearrange my mental world in a way that would make sense of everything Bex was saying. But it just… ran into impossibilities. I mean, I had never thought about dating Jenn. About kissing her. About her kissing me. It just felt so far away. I mean, objectively speaking, yeah, she was totally attractive. Which is why it felt so silly.

Jenn? She liked me? She was miles out of my league.

...But so was Bex, and she liked me too. It practically made my head spin. I needed something to hold onto in the midst of all of this.

Bex frowned. “Given how she was acting, I worry that she’s in her room crying right now, because she feels like she’s lost her chance with you.”

And that was it. I sat up straight, clarity returning.

I— I didn’t know how to deal with what I might or might not feel about Jenn. But if she was hurting, I was going to fix it.

“Okay,” I said. “Okay.”

Bex looked stuck between satisfaction and a deep melancholy.

“I'm going to go talk to her.” I took her hand. “And you’re coming with me.”

“What?”

“Come on, you know I’m just going to fuck this up by myself. Whatever is going to happen, it involves all of us, and so we’re going to talk about it like adults.”

The uncertainty on Bex’s face was clear, and she shook her head, obviously preparing to argue.

So I gave her my very best puppy dog eyes, aiming for maximum wounded adorableness. Which seemed to work beautifully.

Huh. Go figure, maybe I am cuter than I thought.
 
 
 

---

  
  
  
 
I had to knock several times on Jenn’s door before she answered, and even then, all I got was a muffled response through the door.

“What?”

“Jenn,” I said. “Can we talk?”

The silence stretched out so long that I was afraid she wasn’t going to answer at all.

“…Why?”

“Come on, just open up, I don’t want to have a whole conversation with a door in the way.”

There was significant grumbling that I could hear even from my side, but she eventually did open the door. And when she did, I couldn’t help but notice her appearance. She looked far more disheveled than normal, her eyes were red, and she rubbed at her nose with a kleenex. She had been crying. Which meant…

I immediately gasped. “Oh my god, you do like me.”

She turned completely ashen and moved to slam the door in my face, but I already had my foot wedged into the gap.

“Bex told me,” I explained. I pointed behind me, where Bex sheepishly waved, looking extremely uncomfortable at the attention.

“You traitor,” Jenn hissed, and Bex took a full step back in retreat.

I sighed. “No, look. I need—” I frowned. “Um, we need to just sit down and talk about this, okay? I don’t want anyone to be left alone and hurting.” I looked at her, and then turned to look at Bex too. “And I don’t know if that’s totally possible to avoid, but we should at least try.” 

Jenn gave me a level glance. “That sounds suspiciously mature and well-adjusted. Who are you and what did you do with Gwen?”

“Ha ha.” I rolled my eyes, and pushed the door open, marching into her room. She glared at me, but I ignored her and hopped up to sit on her bed.

Then I had to wave Bex in, who looked completely terrified of the room’s still-angry occupant. I patted the bed next to me, and eventually got her to sit there. I guess she figured I could protect her against Jenn’s wrath.

But by the time Jenn sat down in the chair by her desk, all of the anger had melted away. She just looked defeated, in a way that made my heart hurt.

“So…” I said. I glanced at one of them and then the other. “Where do we start?”

To my surprise it was Bex that spoke up. “I’ll keep this brief, and then I can go and leave you two alone. You two are obviously into each other and you should date. That’s it.”

Jenn’s eyebrows floated up, clearly incredulous. I pursed my lips, still not thrilled with Bex’s whole logic here, but waited to see what Jenn would say.

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And she came to a decision pretty fast. “Oh, come on,” Jenn scoffed. “I’m not the one that Gwen went on a whole dramatic rescue mission to heroically save.” She let out a sigh. “Look, I know I’m just a supporting character in your grand romance. That’s okay. I’ve made— well, I’m making my peace with that. So just go be disgustingly cute together somewhere else, so I can be happy for you from a safe distance.”

A frown twisted my face. “That’s how you see yourself? Just a supporting character?”

Jenn shrugged.

“Jenn, you saved me, just as much as I saved Bex. Which means, by extension, you saved Bex too.”

Bex leaned forward, nodding vigorously. Jenn just crossed her arms, looking a little embarrassed, but not bothering to deny anything.

“I’m just saying,” she grumbled. “Who am I to stand in the way of fate? You two belong together.”

I sighed. Both of the two of them seemed to be pretty set in their beliefs. And those seemed to be in exact opposition.

“Okay. So, Bex, you want me to date Jenn.” 

“Yes.” 

“And Jenn, you want me to date Bex.”

“Yeah.”

“God,” I muttered to myself. “Then I guess I want you two to date each other. You’re both way too good for me, it’d make sense.”

Bex stared at me, and then stared at Jenn, and then stared at me again. Jenn leaned forward. “What? I didn’t hear that.”

“Nothing,” I said. “I’m just saying: ouch? It feels like you’re both trying to pawn me off on someone else. If you want to turn me down, you don’t have to be all sneaky about it.”

They simultaneously gave me a look like I was completely out of my mind.

“Th-that’s not—” Bex started.

“No, you dumbass,” Jenn said. “We both like you too much. That’s the problem. Because we want you to be happy more than anything else, and are willing to sacrifice our own happiness for that.”

I made a face. “I never asked for that.”

“Well, yeah,” Bex said. “But that’s the way it is.” She shared a look with Jenn, and something unsaid passed between them. Somehow they had both arrived at the same conclusion. “We just disagree on what’s best for you.” 

“Which means you should decide,” Jenn said. “Who do you want to date?”

Wow. Way to put me on the spot with a totally impossible decision. Definitely love that. Ugh.

But I had asked for this, hadn’t I? I was the one who wanted to talk through everything, and all I had managed to do was talk my way into an even more difficult position. Hoisted by my own petard, or whatever that was supposed to mean.

But I was at least going to try. I sat there, thinking through the situation. What did I want? 

I imagined dating Bex. Well… I imagined kissing Bex a whole bunch more because that’s where my brain immediately jumped to, but then I tried to dial it back and think about the other stuff too. And despite my protestations about her deserving better... I could totally see us together. 

There was still so much that I didn’t know about Bex, but not in a way that was scary or worrying. Instead I felt deep joy and anticipation for the opportunity to find out more about who she was. I wanted to understand her, to know how to make her smile in that one super cute way that always made my heart flutter. From the moment I met her, I had been hopelessly crushing on her, but yet those emotions also felt so much more solid and enduring than they normally would be. 

Even putting aside her father and all the complications about her situation that I still felt responsible for, I simply considered myself lucky to be a part of her life. She made the world feel more bright and colorful just by being around. I couldn’t imagine giving that up. And even if I wanted to, I wasn’t sure how to just be a friend. Not anymore. Not with the intensity of the things I felt for her.

And then I imagined dating Jenn. That too was strangely easy. In the past month, we had already tumbled into spending so much time together. It was profoundly strange how much everything had clicked into place, like interlocking puzzle pieces. 

We just got each other. She understood my memes, and I understood hers -- can you even imagine how rare that had to be? It wasn’t an easy, effortless thing, but it was always, always exciting. We constantly challenged each other, pushed each other to grow and change and be better. I sort of wasn’t sure how I was supposed to sit around and watch a shitty movie without her on the couch next to me, cracking jokes and throwing popcorn at me when I made a particularly bad reference. 

I felt like she understood me better than anyone else -- not on a surface level, but the stuff I kept buried deep down, the grime and filth and brokenness that I felt ashamed of but could never fully free myself from. She knew all that, and accepted it, and yet she still liked me. How was I supposed to find anyone else in the world who could ever do the same?

“This sucks,” I said. “This sucks and it isn’t fair that I have to decide and I hate it.”

“Yeah, yeah. Deal with it,” Jenn said.

“Bex,” I said. “You’re the most genuinely nice person I know.”

Her eyes cut to the side, and she blushed, not quite knowing what to say in response. Just… just way too cute. It was practically criminal.

“Jenn,” I said. “You, on the other hand, are the most helpfully mean person I know.”

She smirked, looking faintly smug. There really wasn’t anyone else who’d immediately understand that I meant that as a compliment, huh?

How was I supposed to make this choice when either way it felt like I would have to give up someone so important to me? I knew that ostensibly we’d still be friends, but it’d be different, wouldn’t it? And I wasn’t certain that I wanted to just be friends. I wanted to be able to recognize, even celebrate, just how important they both were to me. I wanted to spend more and more time with them, to make them happy in a way that no one else could, to come to an even greater understanding of who they were, all so I could love them in even more ways. I, uh, wanted to do other things that involved kissing and beds and lines of thought that started to make me blush.

“Aaaaugh,” I said, burying my face in my hands.

I felt a gentle touch, hesitating only slightly. Then Bex was rubbing my back in circles in this wonderfully reassuring way. A moment later, I felt the bed shift as Jenn sat down on the other side of me, and she too reached out to rest a hand on my shoulder.

I looked up, staring straight ahead, unable to look at either Bex on my left or Jenn on my right.

“You both want me to be happy,” I said. “But… This actually makes me kind of miserable. I don’t want to have to choose between you. I want to be selfish.”

I exhaled. “I want to date both of you.”

Bex’s hand stopped moving.

I wasn’t sure what I should do. I didn’t want to turn and look at either of them, so I just kept staring forward.

“That’s really shitty of me, isn’t it?”

“Is it?” Jenn said. She sounded kind of distant, preoccupied by something.

“Well, I guess it makes it sound like I’m not that serious about either of you.” I paused. “Even though that’s the opposite of the truth. I like you both so much. You know that, right?”

“Yeah,” Bex said, her voice barely a whisper.

I looked down at my hands in front of me, opening and closing them as I chewed on my lip. “I want to be your girlfriend, Bex. I want you to teach me your complicated board games, and read the good parts of gay fanfics to each other. I want to kiss you, and go on walks holding hands.” I closed my eyes. “And I want to be your girlfriend, Jenn. I want to have movie nights where we cuddle underneath the same blanket, and tease each other mercilessly, and… I also want to kiss you, and go on walks holding hands. What am I supposed to do? How could I possibly give up either one of you?”

As I looked down, Jenn’s hand slipped into view from the right, reaching out to take that hand. At practically the same time, Bex reached from the left, taking my other hand, our fingers intertwining.

“Well,” Jenn said softly. “You do have two hands.”

“But only one pair of lips,” Bex said. “I guess we’ll have to take turns there.”

I blinked. I glanced to one side, where Bex was blushing bashfully. And then the other, where Jenn was… uncharacteristically also doing the same?

“Wait,” I said. “Really? We can do that?”

Jenn nodded slightly. “We can give it a try. ...If that’s okay with everyone.”

Bex was looking over at her, her expression slightly worried. “Y-yeah, if um… if you don’t have a problem with that. I know you’re gay, Jenn, and I’m not… well…” She stared down at the floor. “I’m not like Gwen.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked.

“I mean, you’re so feminine and confident in yourself and…”

“What?” I practically squawked. “I’m constantly pretending to be something I’m not.”

Bex looked askance at me. “I mean, maybe you think that, but I think it’s perfectly clear who you are and how everyone sees you.”

I sputtered. “Excuse me? I’m not valid. You’re valid.”

“I have to disagree.”

“Oh my god,” Jenn said. “You two really need to be in therapy.” She must have seen my eyes light up, because she immediately amended that statement. “And not from me, from a real therapist. If I’m going to be your girlfriend, I resign from all of those duties.”

“Aw…”

“I’m not saying we can’t talk about stuff, I’m saying an outside opinion is good.” She looked between the two of us. “Particularly since the both of you so clearly need to step outside of your own anxieties for a second. I mean, come on, Gwen, you look way more cute and comfortable in a skirt than I do. And Bex, trust me, the way you dress comes across as sort of a butch lesbian thing, and..." She bit her lip. "It works.”

“Hell, yeah, it does,” I said. “And it’s even better when you push her up against something and she starts making these adorable sounds…”

“Gwen,” Bex snapped, her face completely bright red.

Jenn’s eyebrows were both raised. “No, please continue.”

I smirked. “I’m just saying, you should try it sometime.”

Jenn and Bex exchanged a tentative look, before their eyes skittered away again.

“I mean…” Jenn sounded suddenly a bit unsure. “Is that… is that okay? Is that how this works?”

“I think it works however we want it to work,” I said. “I… we just need to communicate, right? And make sure that we’re all doing our best to make each other feel happy and safe and secure. Whatever that means.”

“That sounds good,” Jenn said. “Even if we’re probably going to fuck it up here and there. It’s probably impossible to not hurt each other at least sometimes.”

Bex nodded. “But we can always forgive each other, too. And pick each other back up, and learn how to do better next time.”

“That sounds really, really nice,” I said, squeezing both of their hands in my own.

“And in regards to your original point, Jenn,” Bex said, in a tiny voice. “I would be up for experimenting. You know. Just to see.”

Jenn’s eyes went wide. But then her face relaxed into a smile that was so positively predatory that it made me shiver.

“Oh, gosh,” Bex said, suddenly very interested in looking at the other corner of the room.

“We have plenty of time to work out all the details,” I said. Then an idea struck me, and I gasped, drawing both of their attention. “But why not start now? We should have a sleepover!”

“…What?” Jenn said. “You… you live here.”

I grinned. “We have a lot to figure out and talk about, but I’d really just like to get to hang out and spend time with you two. And Bex and I both missed out on being teenage girls, so this will be fun and new for us.”

From Bex’s tentative smile, I knew she was on board. Jenn looked less convinced.

“We could put on pajamas, talk about girls.” I wiggled my eyebrows. “Maybe play spin the bottle…”

“Okay,” Jenn said. “Yeah. Maybe that’d be alright.”

“Trust me,” I squeezed their hands in mine, smiling brightly. “I think this is the start of something beautiful.”

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