Chapter 183: No Amount Of Lies Could Stop The Truth From Coming Out

It only took one kiss, and all the intense arguments disappeared into thin air. It was as though they didn't happen, as if words weren't shouted. That all the exploding emotions boiling within were nothing compared to the dominant emotions in our hearts.  That was longing and the maddening desire of wanting each other.

One kiss.

That was all it took for us to close the curtain and just be ourselves again. 

I gasped for air, resting my forehead against his. I inhaled his deep breaths, lips only a few centimeters apart. 

"Rinrin," he called under his breath, cupping my jaw with both his hands. "Tell me you missed me and still want me."

My heart clenched. How could I reject him with the desperation in his voice? 

"What about...?"

"Tell me." He cut me short as if he had already guessed what I was about to say. "Just this one time, Rinnie. Tell me what you truly want. Do you not love me anymore? If you say it honestly while looking me in the eye, then, by all means, I will stop."

His breaths grew ragged, lips quivering. "Just don't lie... just be an arrogant jerk you are and just be selfish. Love me or hate me... I want to know the truth. Honesty is what I deserved."

I clutched his shoulders, keeping my lips closed. His every word was akin to daggers slicing through my heart. I looked at his eyes full of unspoken emotions, making my heart sink deeper into the darkness.

'Can I really be selfish and speak honestly?' I wondered, hesitant to speak my mind. 'How can I admit that... I don't think I will ever be able to leave again? That even if he had another wife, I would be fine being his mistress? That I was losing my mind I wouldn't mind sharing?'

It was embarrassing and wicked. Too much for being 'righteous', when in fact, I had known all along I wouldn't be able to resist him. That was why I was angry when I couldn't get out, because staying longer was a guarantee my emotions would overwhelm me. 

And that just what happened.

"Hugh," I whispered, taking a prolonged pause. "Don't go to her, don't seek her, or ever have an excuse to need someone else but me."

When those selfish words escaped my mouth, it was like something unlocked my lips. And before I knew it, my mouth parted and the words I told no one — even Bowie — left my mouth. 

"I hated you. Although I knew you are born with it, that your life is already tied to someone else, I still hated you. I kept thinking about your promises, your reassurance, and your affection. That night of the ball... I wished you chased after me." I took a deep breath, reopening the wounds in my heart that seemed to never heal. "But you didn't, Hugh. I waited for you all night, but you came to me the next day."

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"I hated you back then, but I tried to hide it. But when he returned to Belcoot, every time you fell ill, each time I knew I wasn't the person who should be holding your hand. The guilt of wanting someone and selfishly staying beside that person is painful, Hugh." A tear rolled down my cheek, speaking my heart out. "I wanted to blame you, to hate you, to just yell at you. But... I can't. I knew from the start, but I still took the risk. So, I hated myself."

All this time, I wanted to blame Hugo for not keeping his promises. I wanted to push the blame that I couldn't overcome such an obstacle if he stopped. Thus, I let him go to put things back to where they belong. For Hugo to be with his destined mate and fulfill what the moon goddess had for him. 

And yet, here I was, pouring my heart out like a joke. I hated myself even more. 

"I hate that even when I know this isn't right and you will still suffer, I want to be with you!" my voice raised so I wouldn't choke, grinding my teeth as I clutched his shoulder tighter. "The more I want you, the more I feel ashamed of myself and the more I hate myself. And the more you love me, the more I hate myself for feeling grateful. I... it's disgusting."

If only he knew the vicious thoughts in my head, he would feel disgusted too. That I wasn't as pure as he thought I was, nor I was someone who was painted with light colors. In fact, the only color the lamb wore was black. Nothing else. 

"Rinrin." Hugo wiped my tears with his thumb, looking at me lovingly. "If you hate yourself, then I'll love you. Let me love you until you forget about hating yourself."

"You don't understand, Hugh..." came out a shaking voice. "I don't want to be just a part of your world. I want to become your world and it will still not be enough. I am not as kind and understanding as you think I am. I left to protect myself, not you. Because if you died, I will die. Between us, you can't die before me. I am that selfish."

Hugo let out a deep breath as he leaned his face closer until the apex of his nose touched mine. "Do you think I will hate you just because you seek something that I've been trying so hard to attain? I wasn't as considerate as you thought I was, Rinrin. If I can monopolize you, then I would monopolize you." He paused as he gulped while I closed my eyes, but the tears still leaked.

"You have no idea how I wished you only look at me. That you only flash your smile in my direction. There were times when I look at you and think I want to keep you in a dungeon where I can only see you." He confessed in a low tone, breaths coming into a calm rhythm. "You're already my world, Rinnie. Selfish as I was, I also want to be your world."

"Hugh."

"I love you years ago, and I still love you just as intensely now. Don't leave me again." Hugo slowly opened his eyes, drawing his head back. "Just stay with me. This time, I promise, what happened three years ago will not happen again. I will never let you out of my line of sight again. So stay, hmm? Let's work it out together this time."

He sported a meek smile while looking me in the eye. He continuously wiped my tears with such gentleness.

"Mhm…" I hummed in a low tone, but that was enough for him to heave a sigh of relief. 

"I missed you, my Bambi." He leaned his face while I closed my eyes, waiting for his lips to touch mine. Once it did, a tiny voice slipped past my lips. 

"I miss you too, Hugh." I felt him smile against my lips. "I love you."

And that was the truth, giving us tickets to indulge in our honest desire.. That was to become one, take away each other's breath, and embraced each other as if our life was on the line.

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