Chapter 185: No One Knew Her Guilt

We made love all night without the care of the outside world. Hugo wasn't joking when he said he wouldn't be gentle because he didn't. He was rough, but every time I would tell him it hurts, he would slow down and kiss me gently. 

The routine went on like that. Hugo claimed my body and heart again, kissing me when his intense actions were hurting me, and then getting rough again. It went on for who knows how many rounds. I lost count after the third one. 

I traced the scar on his chest with my index, using his shoulder as my head cushion, tangled in an embrace under the blanket. Neither of us talked for a while now, but the silence wasn't stifling or whatsoever. If anything, the silence sounded so peaceful. 

"Worried about your people?" he inquired in a warm baritone voice, planting a kiss on top of my head. "They will be safe. Don't you trust your people? Or you don't trust my people anymore?"

"Not that..." I whispered, eyes narrowing while I stopped tracing his scars. "Will you judge me if I say that's not what's inside my head?" 

I carefully propped my elbows on the mattress until I was facing him squarely. "Will you believe me I never thought about my people until you mentioned them again?"

"Mhm?"

"I trust Bowie and the rest of the Tarsa tribe to survive." I sported a forced smile with closed lips, eyes on him. "I'm simply thinking if these scars are meant to kill you or to keep you alive."

Hugo pressed his lips into a thin line while brushing my jaw with his thumb. "Can be both."

"Why?" I asked. "Why... I mean, how did you come up with that idea?"

"Is that important?" 

"Yes," came out a weak yet stern voice. "It is important for me to know, Hugh."

There was a moment of silence between the two of us. If his scars were one or two, that meant it only happened a few times. But with his body literally covered with deep scars, I could only think of countless days and nights he faced death.

Three years... we both anguished. I couldn't say it was worthless, but I couldn't also say it was worth it. There was a reason, and we were both aware of that. I don't think I could watch Hugo harm himself just so he could refuse his mate. If anything, if I stayed in the past and he had to resort to self-harm just to be with me, that would only strengthen my resolve to leave.

To my surprise, his answer was what I didn't expect. I looked at him, wide-eyed. 

"What did you say?" I asked in a tone of disbelief. 

"Ida." Hugo shrugged indifferently. "That destined mate people keep talking about. She's the one who told me to choose death over her."

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"What..."

"To make the story short, when I regained my consciousness and found out you were gone, I went... berserk. I injured Alice and Percival before they knocked me unconscious," he explained in a lazy tone, peeling his eyes away from me to the ceiling. "Dan kept me locked in the underground cell in Belcoot for weeks. I didn't hate him for that, though. I knew I would hurt anyone if they let me loose."

He took a momentary pause as he exhaled sharply. "Ida started visiting me after being locked up for days or a week. She comes in everyday, sitting outside the cell, but I kept shouting at her. Until one day, when I didn't have the energy to spare, she told me about our difference. 

It's not like she also wants to have a mate. She's a prideful and rebellious woman. It is safe to say we were similar in a way. I don't want others dictating me and so was Ida. So we ended up rejecting each other."

This time, Hugo set his eyes back to me again. A relieved smile appeared on his face as his eyes softened. 

"But unlike me, who can barely stop myself, Ida could totally reject me without batting an eye. So, she told me the secret about how she does it," he added in a knowing tone, but that caused the space between my brows to wrinkle. 

"She... hurt herself?"

He nodded slightly. "There's no better way to keep our emotions at bay. This so-called gift is a miracle to others, but it is a curse for us. Not all werewolves stake their lives for the moon goddess's will, Rinrin. There were a few, just like me and Ida, who wanted to gain control of our decisions and choices. Gain full control of our lives. Killing ourselves or harming ourselves is a small price to pay to gain that freedom."

I was speechless. All I could do was stare at him, guilt eating me from the inside. How could I be happy hearing all this? Self-harm was never fine. It was alarming. But... I couldn't dishonor their decisions because that was how they were fighting this 'gift'. 

'Will you hate me if I say it's not the moon goddess, but it's my sin to bear?' I asked inwardly, staring at him with conflict in my eyes. 'If you knew it was me... will you ever forgive me?'

Hugo might forgive me, but others who shared these same ideals probably won't. I robbed them of free will to choose their companion for life on a spur of the moment in the past. Now, we were all paying the price I should've shouldered on my own. 

"Don't worry about it." He poked the tip of my nose lightly, bringing me back to the current lapse. "This is how we fight and this is how we want it. Even if I hadn't fallen in loved with you or met you in the first place, I will still reject her and she will also choose the same. We're both arrogant."

Hugo chuckled, noticing the apologetic emotion in my eyes. If only he knew that wasn't my concern. But either way, I would never let him go again. He had sacrificed too much just to be with me and refusing him after all that was plain stupidity. 

"Do you still hurt yourself?" I asked softly, and he shook his head. 

"I don't feel such urges anymore. I mean, at least, not as intense as the first time." He smiled reassuringly, holding my head to guide it down. "This time, I won't break my promise. This wolf will always chase after you. I won't let you leave again."

I smiled subtly as I rested for a moment before a question slipped past my lips. "Hugh? What are you doing in Clayburn? And how did you know what will happen in this kingdom?"

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