Chapter 6: 6- You Seem Quite Reasonably Intelligent

Dane spent most of his non-combat time trying to catalog literally everything he could see. This wasn’t as much time as he’d like, since they seemed to be naturally inclined to stumble into danger, or in the case of this town, march directly toward it.

So far all the trees and bushes here had the same names: elm, holly, oak, maple, and the foliage the same. He found tons of ferns, plenty of the same bushes and shrubs you’d find all over the western tip of New York state, but these had been twisted. On top of the names, the plants now had additional properties. Take the Eagle fern: he’d seen countless thousands of these already, but the prompt for them had mentioned light healing properties when ground up and smeared over a wound. He wasn’t a plant guy, but that didn’t seem right. He was pretty sure he’d also passed a Grenade Apple, though it was far off and the sergeant hadn’t given him time to figure out whether they exploded with flavor in your mouth, or made your head explode when you tried to bite one.

The creatures and loot objects had their own properties, but he’d only gotten his hands on a handful. Rivera was commandeering everything, from Dire Cottonmouth venom sacs down to pitcher sinkhole tendrils, in order to buy more arrows. He’d gotten a scrap of Dire Cottonmouth scales, and was amazed to discover they provided a +2 Endurance boost when fashioned into a piece of armor. On him, one scale was about the right size for a bracer or a shin guard… but he didn’t dare, because Rivera would have him hand it over. 

His companions also had a wealth of knowledge for him. He barely had time to record any of it… he’d have to hope the game interface had some sort of automatic recording device, like all these hidden menus. Some games had a bestiary, which would be incredibly useful. A topiary menu with all the info he’d discovered would be another huge blessing.

He kept up the need to know.

For instance, tucked away in his character sheet information was the listed information for his species, Gnomish. Basically, these determined his beginning level one stats, but also gave him an enhanced understanding of crafting materials, a +15% on all skill checks versus opponents that were classed Large (Niederhauer classed as Medium), and a +10% chance to sense magic, since most gnomish had an innate understanding of the universe.

He’d have to map out the racial abilities, and ask about the class abilities for Scoundrel, Adventurer, Caster, and the others. He wanted to catalogue everything in a sort of Player’s Handbook so if they ever decided to abandon their US Army Ranger tactics in favor of actually trying something, he’d be ready. 

Take Rivera: a huge metal man. Somehow he’d managed to look chiseled even as a fantasy monster, his six pack literally chiseled into the stone of his body, he gigantic pecs just two polished boulders. Dane had thought of him as a golem but wasn’t too shocked when he found that his character information instead showed him as a golemite. A magical automaton. It was a pretty cool thing to be, and if he had been able to pick his race instead of just having it given to him, he’d have gone with golemite for sure. He already had some feeling about its abilities given that it was a race featured in a number of prominent role-playing games, but he gave it the ol’ inspection squint anyways, practically shaking he was so eager to find out.

 

Golemite species bonuses include the following: 

• Immunity to aging. While the average golemite is not older than 30, this is more due to their propensity to find conflict rather than some sort of actual old age. Golemites are immune to all spellcast aging effects.
• Non-emotive. Golemites are automatons and as such they do not feel emotions. Sentient beings transformed into golemites will gradually lose their ability to feel, becoming fully non-emotive within a week. Immune to magical emotional effects.
• Immunity to poison. Whether of rock, iron or steel, golemites cannot be harmed by poisons or other toxins.
• Mechanical subsistence. Golemites do not consume the same materials as organic beings. However they do need to consume a meal of precious gems, oils, or minerals at least once weekly.
• Plugged-In. Golemites do not sleep nor are they affected by sleep magic. One night of rest in the open sky to recharge their bodies is all that is required of them. The reasons for this recharge are unknown. 
• Armored and Engaged. Golemites have innate programming that specifies what armors and weapons they can use. This is unique to the class of Golemite.

 

His gaze wandered over to Specialist Niederhauer when they stopped. Guzman had spotted something, and Rivera sent Pugh off with her to check it out. 

 

Dragonite species bonuses include the following: 

• Breath weapon. You begin with a random breath weapon card. You will automatically gain breath weapon cards from elemental and aspect-themed monsters until one of these becomes your Core breath weapon, at which point it is automatically boosted to level 2. Congratulations! You have chosen to be a Fire Dragonite.
• Resistance. You are now a Fire Dragon. Unaspected dragonites have +10% resistance to all elemental damage. You, however, have 40% resistance to fire damage. However, you take an additional 25% damage from cold and ice aspect attacks.
• Fearsome presence. Your Charm is boosted by 5 and Sway is boosted by 2 for the purposes of intimidation or scaring off sapient opponents.
• Glide. While unable to fly like a normal dragon, you are capable of using your stubby and leathery wings to glide from heights, spiraling downward to negate fall damage.
• Unholy Death. Dragonites are the unholy abominations of dragon children, mutated by magic. As such the energy that went into their creation explodes a mere minute after they expire, blasting their surroundings for 3d6 damage. 

 

Guzman and Pugh returned, followed by the strangest thing they’d seen yet: a suit of armor looking like a whole mess of specially-converted red clay flower pots ambling behind them awkwardly, except covered with a sheen of yellow green pus… or thick phlegm perhaps. That snot stuff dangled from the gloves.

“Sergeant, we’ve discovered a dungeon, with this fellow near the entrance.”

The fully enclosed helmet had a single bizarre eye painted or etched on. Dane admitted that it could’ve been both. The weird eye turned turned slowly to behold all of them while the body inside the armor shuddered and seemed on the verge of falling over.

“Greetings, sir,” Rivera said.

A stone in the center of the armor flashed, and a word came out. “Greetings.”

Dane immediately inspected the thing, and came up with Sentient Ooze, level 9, with over two hundred hit points. 

“I wonder if you might help us with some intel.”

“Intel,” the creature said.

“Sergeant Rivera?” Dane asked.

“In a moment, Just Dane.” Rivera swiveled his golem head back to the ooze. “Might I ask you a question?”

The wobbling armor considered this. “I will ask a question in return for a question answered. Is this an amenable deal?”

Niederhauer’s hand landed on Dane’s shoulder, and he shook his big scaly head down at Dane. “But that’s an ooze.”

“Seems to be a reasonably intelligent ooze,” Niederhauer replied.

“A decent enough deal,” Rivera said. “My employer has asked me not to answer regarding who employs us, though.”

“Considerate of you,” the ooze replied. “Ask your question first.”

“How… did you come to be in possession of this armor?”

“My master was cruel, so I relieved him of it. Now, my question: have you battled and destroyed any jellies, puddings, or other ooze creatures?”

“No.”

The ooze helmet nodded. 

“My people have discovered a subterranean entrance. What can you tell us about it?”

“It is a low level dungeon. A pair of adventurers came through it. It is the place where my master was relieved of this armor, and so it should be empty save for perhaps some cave gibbon nests. My second question: do you know the secret behind the making of enchanted objects?”

“Allow me to consult my compatriots,” Rivera said, and his head swiveled a hundred and eighty degrees to consider Dane and the others. Dane nodded, despite the awkward queasy feel of seeing both Rivera’s back and Rivera’s face. He was then pushed forward to face the thing. 

“What information would you like?” he asked.

“Another question answered is not part of our deal,” the ooze crystal said. “I should consider this an insult if it happens again. Please answer my question.”

Dane cleared his throat nervously. He still only had 35 hp, which was not a vast amount. If two gangsters could put him down in roughly two combat rounds, this ooze could probably do better. He had to tread carefully.

“I only know a bit, because we are low level characters.” He received a smack upside the head here, probably from Niederhauer. “So far, I can say that almost all gnomish people, like myself, are knowledgeable or conversant with enchanting objects. Gnomish have a natural understanding of magic and like to tinker. I know some tinkering, but nothing of enchantment, so I really couldn’t help you further, if you were, uh, to wish me to craft something enchanted for you.”

“You seem quite reasonably intelligent,” the ooze responded. 

“Thank you… I think.”

“That is indeed my goal,” the ooze said. “To have some enchanted helms made.”

“Of course, you’ll be looking for a caster,” Niederhauer added. “A wizard or sorcerer, witch or warlock, someone like that.” 

Dane wondered briefly if any of them had any idea that they were talking to a sentient ooze.

“It is your turn to ask a question,” the ooze said. 

“I think we’re fin–”

“Do you have a name?” Niderhauer blurted. 

The armor shuddered, stood tall, nearly toppled over, then folded in half backwards in a move that would’ve broken any vertebrate’s spine. Then it snapped back erect, waved its hands a bit, then spoke.

“I do not have a name. As we part ways, would you like to suggest one?”

Dane couldn’t help himself. “How about Oozymandias?” 

And, ten minutes of explaining the history and poetry later, the sentient ooze indeed indicated that it very much liked the name Oozymandias. The armor reached forward to shake hands, and the ooze retracted away from the exterior of the armor, leaving only bits of weird terracotta gauntlet to shake. Rivera did the honors.

Sentient ooze was a thing. Fascinating. Dane watched it amble away unsteadily, before returning his attention to his ‘compatriots’. 

“Do we go kill some cave gibbons then?” Niederhauer asked.

 

***

 

Pugh squinted off into the distance and tried to look cool. Next to the dragon man and the golem man it wasn’t working. With his new body, Rivera could stand perfectly still. It was like suddenly having a statue next to you.

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“Just past that dungeon… over the ridge, there are some towers. Looks like a town.”

“Opinions,” Rivera said.

“I say we make for the dungeon, clear it out, level up,” Pugh said.

“Seconded,” Niederhauer put in.

Dane was about to speak, when he felt Guzman place a hand on his shoulder. She was now a fae, basically one of the graceful and charming gorgeous race of creatures out of every sword & sorcery book in existence, and she gave him a pained smile. He sighed and his little shoulders slumped.

“Lead the way, Corporal,” the sergeant said.

Rivera went from inert statue to smoothly in motion in an instant. It was bizarre to watch. Still, he didn’t have long before they reached the dungeon entrance. The stairs down under the ground sat in the middle of a field of ruins. Dane briefly wondered if the thing that emerged just nuked the whole town some aeons ago in order to shut up those damn noisy upstairs neighbors. Probably not, but a grumpy old wizard with super magical powers was

As for the cave gibbons they were simple to kill, absorbed way too many of their cache of arrows and crossbow bolts, and yielded basically nothing in the way of xp or loot. The major find though was a common called Burst Arrow. This piece of trash added 1-6 exploding damage to any arrow or bolt fired, with a 30% chance to deal 1-4 explosion damage to anything nearby. Niederhauer went apeshit over this thing, holding it over his head like a video game character and doing a stupid bow-legged dance around Dane. He alternated holding it high and bringing it down right in front of Dane’s face. It got old, and then it got real old, and then when it didn’t stop, Dane punched Niederhauer in the cloaca with a cave gibbon throat sac.

“You said we couldn’t do it like this!”

“You can’t,” Dane replied.

“What are you talking about?” Guzman asked. Just those few innocuous words soothed Dane’s nerves a smidgen. She probably had a Charm upwards of 15 or 18.

“Just Dane’s been adamant about the swords and axes, you guys. And we don’t need them.”

“That’s not even remotely true–” Dane protested.

“And now all our arrows are magic and exploding, y’all.”

“There are certain roles we should–”

“Shht, pssht, chhhsshhht,” Niederhauer said, and pushed Dane away by the face. His Strength being what it was, he went ass over teakettle and took 3 damage for the awkward way he landed. “The big boys are talking over here, mmmkay? Shut it.”

“Pogue’s got a point,” Pugh added. “There’s only one card for the five of us.”

“We pass the card back and forth!” Niederhauer looked back and forth between them like this was an idea worthy of Steven Hawking or Joe Rogan. “Every arrow becomes a friggin’ grenade, eh? Eh?”

Pugh and Guzman shared a look, passed it over to Rivera, who didn’t emote any longer. His shoulders just slid up and down a few inches. Guzman sighed while Pugh nodded, and Niederhauer kicked his dance into high gear. He almost caught Dane in the head with a flailing foot.

They seemed to have run out of cave gibbons, though Niederhauer really wanted to go poking around for more of them. Rivera was bored though, and looking to push on the mission. It was a good thing, too… almost the moment they set foot topside, they came face to face with the LT.

Dane recognized him immediately, while Niederhauer immediately pulled up an arrow and used Burst Arrow to blow him back a few feet. The dwarf got back up, furious, while Niederhauer started dancing again.

“Stand down, Specialist,” he growled, “It’s me.”

“Oh snap!” Pugh shouted. “You shot the LT!”

Weirdest of all was the modulated chuckling coming out of Rivera.

“It is about friggin time!” Daniels called out.

The dwarf Daniels hadn’t been with them long, but Dane had memorized his features immediately.

Pugh and Niederhauer squealed, while Rivera pushed past them to help Daniels to his feet, and check on the wound. Eventually a lot of shoulder punches, fist bumps and back-patting hugs were exchanged, followed by a quick rundown of what Daniels had found. The part about the skeletal amalgam surprised them, the part about him coming back to life outside the bubble intrigued Dane more than the others, and his immediate command that they all get some shuteye right here was the most surprising part. They would be chilling here for the next eight hours, so they could die and respawn right here.

Well, that wasn’t true… the most surprising part was Daniels’ immediate acceptance of the bow and crossbow plan. He had a perfectly serviceable war hammer strapped to his back, and had told about how many skeletons he’d smushed to death, and how fast.

“You don’t have to reload a sword,” Dane grumbled, but didn’t press. They wouldn’t listen. He was doomed. Stuck between a rock (them being ultra combat competent) and a hard place (them being so utterly idiotic regarding this system), he didn’t know how long he had… It was definitely time to begin investing in some kind of insurance policy. 

The talk died down eventually, and they settled down to get some afternoon slumber.

Dane wasn’t keen on the idea of bedding down in the middle of nowhere (under the shade of a couple of large trees) in monster-infested territory, with bows and crossbows as their only means of protection. Still, even though they’d only been in this place for a grand total of about 7 hours, only had a bundle of clothing for a pillow, and it was mid-afternoon with the sun shining overhead, he fell asleep almost instantly. 

Though Dane assumed Niederhauer and Pugh were going to prank him in the middle of the night, and he’d wake up to find himself naked in the dungeon, it was Guzman woke him some time later to do his shift on watch. Luckily they’d put him on last watch, which basically was just waking up early. Guzman stayed up with him for a little while, and he was able to Inspect her for species abilities.

 

Fae species bonuses include the following:

• Heightened hearing. Fae have incredibly sensitive ears, which allow them a Survey and Inspect of +2 ranks when concentrating.
• By the Light of the Stars. Fae eyes are especially sensitive to moonlight, and may see as though the sun were shining if moonlight or starlight permeates an area.
• Natural glamour. Fae are considered by most other species to be paragons of grace, beauty, and glamour. Wizards have identified a natural, passive and involuntary magical cause of this, which provides every fae with +2 ranks in Mingle and Sway.
• One with the Wild. Fae are magically connected to the flow of nature, both in its creative and entropic forms. They gain +3 MP per level, and regenerate MP +25% faster when outside areas of heavy Order (i.e. cities). Fae who take an Order aspect class lose this ability.
• Agelessness. Fae are said to live for millenia. This may or may not be true, but one thing is certain: they age much slower than most other species.
• Fae lose the ability Natural Glamour and suffer a -2 penalty to Mingle and Sway amongst some communities that see them as highborn, arrogant, or standoffish. These include many orc and dwarf settlements, and some tiefling communities.

 

“Guzman?” he said softly.

“Hm?” she asked.

“You know what the sergeant and the LT are doing… it’s not right. Right? This whole modus operandi focused on ranged weapons?”

Her face remained carefully neutral in the embers of the fire. “Best you learn to keep that to yourself.” She stood. “I’ll do another perimeter sweep before I turn in.”

“One more thing.”

She paused without turning to look at him. She really didn’t talk all that much. In the meager light, he caught the reflection off a rosary wrapped around one hand.

“Ask me before you do up any of your core cards, would you?”

She just smiled at him. “See you in a few minutes.”

After she left, he learned that humans, of which Pugh was one, had much stranger base species abilities than anything he’d seen thus far.

 

Human species bonuses include the following:

• Work is Life. Humans gain an affinity for their classes. When a human core-locks a card, they receive +2 in an attribute favorable to that class, and +1 skill rank in an appropriate skill.
• Multi-class. Humans are the only creatures that may remove cards from being core-locked, by replacing the locked card with another they prefer. This may only be done once for each core slot, ever. However, while they do shift the attribute bonus under the Work is Life ability, they keep any original class bonuses.
• Humans may gain abilities of other species through observation, constant practice, or simple dumb luck.
• In fact, they might end up doing it twice!
• Onward! Humans seem incapable of staying in the same place for any length of time, and will often pick up distracting hobbies if they remain in one place for more than six months. Humans suffer a reduction of 2 on all attributes if they don’t have a clear goal set out before them.

 

This intrigued Dane, but unfortunately he couldn’t help Pugh now. Instead, he cataloged everything, by hand no less. This place didn’t allow for typewriters, yet anyway. He’d have to invent one out of dire cottonmouth scales and a cave gibbon’s throat sac somehow. Or wait and snatch up some loot faster than these incredibly fast killing machines. For now though he scrawled down all the abilities on a notebook he’d carried through, which had transformed into a ledger with some poor quality paper, and little more than a piece of bark for a cover (a thick one). Still, it had already cracked down the center from being shifted and banged about in his pack.

Some time later the others awoke, gave him a whole ton of grief for not making breakfast, and soldiered on to where they knew the village sat. It was somewhere around sunset now, and the whole place was coming alive with the sort of insect and animal life Dane couldn’t ever remember except for those few trips up to his grandfather’s hunting camp.

They grumbled about breakfast (almost exclusively Pugh and Niederhauer, though Guzman gave him an arched eyebrow he didn’t particularly care for) but they’d soon set off northwest again.

The village was still a good mile off, in the middle of a large plain: your average medieval town but surrounded by a good dozen high, stone towers. That made very little sense, unless you had a master archer in each one of those towers and a sizable army. Dane figured they were probably beginning to build the actual walls, but thought it a bit bass-ackwards to go for the towers first.

“You’ve got your eagle in the case?” LT asked.

“Affirmative.”

Niederhauer snorted.

Pugh piped up. “We do an aerial survey of the scene for combatants?”

Daniels shook his head. “Let’s stow it for now. They might not have seen it, but any closer and they’ll definitely spot that it’s not a real eagle.”

An arrow landed in front of Lieutenant Daniels about two hundred feet outside the town, wrapped in a white flag. Dane considered suggesting they hold up and see what that was about, but Daniels just paused, shrugged, and stomped onward.

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