Chapter 9: 9- As The Thane Commands

The rangers swept through the once rusty belt of the region, not a place filled with forest, hills and tall grasses. But the century old edifices of the automotive plants and strips of oil-ridden manufacturing sectors were still present. Just different. Topping one rise, the platoon looked over a series of towers, each attached to each other by ten foot tall lengths of well-masoned stone walls. It was a length that happened to exactly match the depth and distance that an old manufacturing neighborhood ought to have had, and Dane noted that there still existed a bit of oily crumbly soil here and there, and even the occasional patch of asphalt road, so the portal magic hadn’t yet done all of its work.

Skirting a more cliff-like bluff rife with the thorned and barbed bushes of local raspberries and black berries, the Rangers followed a trickle of creek through a series of wet hollows and right smack dab into a three story fortress constructed of living wood, branches rising up from odd places between windows that themselves shone with an inner magical light. The glow was enough to put them off from further investigation, however. Even too the most unversed of gamers, it is common sense to leave the bizarre where they lay or else get a poisoned crossbow bolt in the ass.

The mission continued without fulfilling their curiosities as to what the hell, exactly, might be within the place.

But half an hour later, when they came upon a regular sized tree with a regular sized door built into it, Dane could help himself no longer.

“Hey, sir, I hate to say this. But if we want to have enough levels and good enough equipment to fight the Five, maybe we should check out some of these obvious quests?”

The LT looked at him, frowned, and took a swing from his waterskin. “Aye. Tis a thought I’ve had meself. Perhaps it wouldn’t hurt to take a peek or two. The Thane—”

“General,” Dane absently corrected.

“Aye, the Thane-General might not take too lightly on us hopping merrily from quest to quest. Not when she has tasked us with a quest—”

“Mission,” Dane corrected.

“Aye, quest-mission that holds high-priority for the well-being of our kingdom.”

“Nation,” Dane sighed.

“But this? Tis but a door and given the width of that tree I’d say it’s a closet. Might be that we find a suit of armor.”

“Five bucks says it isn’t in your size,” Pugh said, laughing. Neiderhauer joined him. “Ten bucks says that it won’t fit Rivera either!”

“I fail to see the humor in such observations,” Rivera rumbled. “In fact, I think both observations are probably true.”

Guzman and Dane shared a glance. Maybe it was best if he’d kept his trap shut. Too late now though. Dane moved forward under the groups watchful gaze and reached out to grasp the latch of the door, looking back one more time to see if the rest of them had his back. They did.

“Here goes nothing,” he whispered. Then he seized the latch.

It was cool and damp, a bit springy under his fingers and through a light scrape upon it he could see the virgin green of freshly grown timber. He pulled the latch and stepped aside.

The door creaked open and out. Eerie blue-red flames tinged with lightning flickered at its edges as he did so.

“Well, that doesn’t bode well,” Guzman said, then slapped her hands to her mouth. Dane completely understood. The word “bode” had probably never left her mouth before in the entirety of her life.

“At least the fire doesn’t burn,” Dane called out. A line of it had trickled up his arm before dissipating into smoke.

“Spread out, laddies,” the LT called. “We don’t know what horrors of the depths Dane’s idea has called down upon us.”

Dane opened his mouth to shout, then shut it tight. The LT was absolutely right. He moved back into the bushes, the door open, his comrades staring intently into the flames as its powerful brightness poured out and over them.

And nothing happened. Moments turned to a minute.

“So, is it a tree filled with fire?” Pugh asked. “I don’t get it.”

“It is a distraction from our quest,” Rivera boomed.

“Aye, a bad idea from a troubled mind.” Dane noticed that, again, somehow, the dwarf had procured a pipe from somewhere and was actively smoking it as he pondered the magical phenomenon. “Tis a shame. Dane wasn’t wrong. We could use some magical armor or arms.”

“It angers me,” Rivera said. He strode forward and bent back his arm, intent on smashing the tree.

And that was when the moaning started.

The moaning of the woods was an eerie thing, low then high, ulutating even as it held to a continuous chalkboard scratching growl. Dane crouched and stared from his place in the bushes as Rivera brought his gigantic stone hands to his metallic head and covered where his ear holes would have been were he still flesh and blood. The others had their crossbows out and leveled, and they swiveled back and forth, crouched, scanning their fire lanes for something to shoot and kill.

Whatever this sonic attack was, it only affected constructs, Dane mused. He inched forward out of the bushes to see about getting Rivera the heck out of there—and immediately regretted it when one, then another giant flaming skull exited from the tree.

“You defile the Sacred Oak of the Measure. You shall be judged.”

He wasn’t sure which of the skulls had spoke, just that he was out in the open and they should have seen him. If they did, though, they didn’t react to his presence. In fact, they didn’t seem to notice any of the rest of them. None of the excepting Rivera, who had narrowed his metallic eyes at the skulls.

Dane could see clearly what was going to happen and he sighed. He called up his Survey ability.

 

Success! You have inspected the creatures:

Skulltastic Guardians of the Tree

Level 5 undead

350 HP and 349 HP

The Skulltastic Guardians are the strange creative result of combining the skull of a giant with the soul of a tattle-tale. Who knew such people could come in handy?

More information is not known. Why not level up your Perception or your Inspect skill?

 

Level-wise they looked easy enough. But that was a lot of hit points. And visually they were quite terrifying. Dane pulled out his kit and sent his familiar into the air. The golden eagle might well be useful in the fight. A tinge ran through him. What if it got hurt. He growled and cursed the new realm.

Meanwhile, Rivera had had enough. More than scary to look at, the Skulltastic Guardians were apparently chatterboxes to boot. They had begun to lecture the giant Golemite in the rules of the Tree, and which ones he had broken, as well as the sub-sections thereof, and it was obvious to all that he was passed the point of breaking. Rivera was goddamned furious.

He swung his fist out, catching one of the Guardians in the temple and cratering a large spider web of cracks into it. The thing fell over sideways and Dane saw a humanoid shape plop into the ground.

“They have bodies! Stupid, invisible bodies!” Dane yelled. A moment later quarrels loosed, sticking into the invisible flesh of the fallen creature.

“That falls into article 7, subsection 38 of the code of the tree,” the other Guardian moaned. “No cheating!” It gouted flame at the Golemite, and the incessant shrieking of the previous audio attack ceased. Rivera swung out and the Guardian jumped back, just barely dodging his swipe.

To the side, the other Guardian was rising. Dane closed his eyes, a moment later directing the eagle to swipe his target.

 

Critical Hit! 9 points of damage. Guardian defeated.

 

Well then. He commanded his familiar to circle and went fully back into his body, watching as a red-hot Rivera began to puddle and crack. The others were jockeying left and right for a position from which to shoot the thing without hitting their ally. But Rivera wasn’t looking so good. He had to do something.

Dane sighed, pulling a dagger from his boot. He’d never used it here. Not at all. He had proficiency for it, just barely, but with his low hit points and mediocre melee skill he’d never thought he’d have to use it. walking forward he took a guess as to where the things ankles might be, slashed, slipped, and desperately stabbed upwards as he fell.

 

Critical Hit/Fail! 27 points of damage. Think long and hard about your martial ways, warrior!

 

The Guardian howled, long and hard, it’s flame stopping completely. He couldn’t be positive, but judging from the angle of his blade, he’d say he had stuck it directly into the Guardian’s gluteus maximus. Judging by the sudden looks of shock and discomfort on the faces of his comrades, he guessed that they guessed the same thing.

“What the fuck, Dane?” Neiderhauer asked even as Rivera killed the monster with a one-two-three punch and a boot to end it. On his back, covered in dirt, Dane tried to somehow show that it wasn’t his fault but even Guzman wasn’t meeting his eyes.

He sighed. things had been going so well. And now he’d just saved the day by stabbing a monster in its asshole.

 

***

 

Daniels chose an observation site and had them hunker down and huddle up a few miles shy of the castle city beside the great pink and purple magic portal. The thing audibly hummed, and stretched across most of the horizon now. The few trees that stood in front of it seemed strange and alien, surrounded by glowing pink energy. Like little bits of broccoli in a soup made of Pepto Bismol.

“We’re almost to the portal… HQ wants us to gather some intel. We stick it out here, maybe catch a few Z’s, humina humina then report back to the outpost and get orders.”

Dane snorted. “How about, instead of huffing it all the way back to HQ, we try out the crystal ball? We’ve had for, what, forever now? Surely someone has the experience or ability to use it.”

Daniels narrowed his eyes at him.

“Sir, let me take a look. My class and species are well set to divine the secrets of this other world technology. And if it is magic it needs, we’ve got Neiderhauer here to check it.”

“It’s a crystal ball,” Neiderhauer said, stomping over through the tall grass. “Of course it’s going to be magical. Sir, hand it over and I’ll see what cool stuff I can use it for. It might be the dragon in me, but I’ve been getting this hankering to spy on princesses.”

“When they shower,” Pugh added for him. The rest snorted.

“Yeah. Aye. Tis a good idea and,” LT Daniels stopped and took a deep breath. “This is me, not going to go all dwarfy right now. Gonna settle it down.”

“Why bother, sir?” Guzman asked. “I think it’s adorable.”

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The LT frowned and reached into his belongings, taking out the orb. In his hands it was a dull opaque mass. He held it up and when Neiderhauer placed his own taloned paws on the crystal ball, it sprang to life.

“Dane, it’s asking if I want to spend one-hundred xps to attune. What do I do?”

Dane sighed. “Say yes. That’s not a lot of experience, we’re pretty low level, and besides I bet that thing will let us do some scrying and messaging.”

Neiderhauer grunted and flashed a brief pink pulse. Then he placed the orb into the dirt of the hill and hunched down over it.

“Ohm,” he chanted. “Ohm.”

“What are you doing now?” LT Daniels asked.

“Annoying the hell out of us,” Pugh answered.

Neiderhauer ignored him, his eyes closed and his draconic face somehow zen. “It says I have to do a ritual chant to set its function. Give me a few minutes. Ohm.”

“While he’s doing that, I’ve got to go take a piss,” Guzman said. She wandered away into the sparse woods and bushes of the hilltop. A moment later, the crystal ball cleared and the Rangers saw the point of view of the orb following Guzman to where she began to unbuckle her business.

“Neiderhauer!” the LT yelled.

“Sorry sir, my cloaca ain’t had no action for forever!”

The POV shifted to the camp, just outside of the starting periphery of the phenomenon. It looked this way and that, then it rolled through the tents until it was staring at the face of the sleeping general.

“What should I do? She’s sleeping.”

The LT stroked his beard, deep in thought. “Well, wake her up.”

“On it sir.” Neiderhauer stood up, turned around, and hunched his ass over the orb. Pugh started laughing, but before the LT could understand what was going on, the dragonite let out a loud and long fart, the stench of which definitely contained some sulfur. The general in the crystal ball sprang to action, her eyes wide and a revolver immediately in her hands.

“Hey ma’am, we’re just figuring this out right now. Can you see us?” LT Daniels asked. The general settled, her face a mishmash of confusion and relief.

“Is that magic, Lieutenant?” she asked. “Can you bring magic out of the zone?”

“Not that I am aware of, ma’am. We’ve set up an Observation Post near the singularity and we are observing. Just reporting in and trying out this crystal ball device. Apparently Specialist Neiderhauer has a class affinity to it.”

“Which means?” the general asked.

“Which means that he is able to activate it and use it whereas the majority of people here can not. At least, in our platoon that certainly holds true.”

“Alright Lieutenant. Report received. Hang tight, get your intel, and report back in a few days.”

“As the Thane commands,” the LT croaked. “that I shall do.”

The crystal faded and Neiderhauer started laughing hysterically. “You almost made it, sir. But did you see the look on her face when you went all dwarf on her?”

Dane smiled. It had been fun to see the general, a serious cut from stone type that could run up a mountain backwards, get shocked and appalled a second time.

“This observation post is pointless. We know what needs to be done. They’re gonna tell us to take out the rest of the Five,” Pugh said. Rivera flexed his hulking mass and growled.

“Hoorah,” Neiderhaur added.

Daniels nodded. “Most likely. Meaning we still have some leveling to do. The Strength and Endurance are definitely key. I can feel myself growing stronger somehow when putting points into Strength.”

Niederhauer nodded. “I put almost all my points into Strength too. Some in Agility and some in Endurance.”

What a way for a Caster to level up. Dane bit his lip and stopped himself from getting in deeper with the squad. He was already up to his eyeballs in resentment from Niederhauer at least, and Pugh a bit less.

“It might not be a bad idea to have Rivera run patrols around here while we keep an eye on everything. Have him draw aggros and run it back to us. Get us some levels while we’re stuck in bivouac, sitting on our humps.” The LT looked over at Dane. “Unless you think that eagle of yours could do it?”

Dane swallowed a lump in his throat. “Sir, maybe I could but I wouldn’t want to chance it.”

“Figures,” Neiderhauer muttered. Dane shot him a dirty look and got a dirtier one back in return. That dragon face was honestly terrifying.

“Let’s double up. I don’t want our rock getting overrun, eh Rivera.”

Pugh began to laugh.

“What’s so funny?” Guzman asked from behind.

“Jus’ picturing Sergeant Rivera jumping down from the top ropes, putting people in headlocks is all. You know, back in the real world.”

Guzman barked her own laugh. “Yeah, I’d pay to see that. Especially with him being a stone robot and all. You couldn’t fake that kind of wrestling.”

Dane watched with a smile. Really he thought they should be strategizing the game, but it was nice to have these sitback moments. Any moment now someone would finally produce their deck of cards and get a field game going. Hearts, Spades, Rummy, it didn’t really matter. It was just part of being dusty and in uniform.

“Whatcha smiling about over there?” Pugh asked. Dane was lost a moment, dazed in his thoughts. “I got a dick on my forehead? Dude, what the hell are you thinking about that has you so gone?”

His tone was jovial and Dane took it. He flashed a bigger smile back. “How much do you know about Astral Projection, Pugh?”

Everyone started leaning in, their heads tilted and ears lifted. They knew a set up when they heard it.

“Sending your mind out of your body flying and shit, right? I’ve heard all about it. Never done it though. Are you saying that you got a new class ability or something?”

Dane laughed. “Yep. Floated out to your mom’s house, heard she was a looker. Guess I heard wrong.”

They all chuckled. “So what were you smiling about then?” Pugh asked.

“Your sister was in the shower.”

They all howled, even Neiderhauer. “Damn Dane, where’d you get your balls back from? Loot it from a corpse?” Guzman asked. Dane shrugged. They hadn’t had much sit down time, not really, and being out in the field with the right people was about as good a time as good be had.

A screech punched through the air. Then another one. Dane’s new found smile fell to a frown. Did the system just screw over his fun time because of his damn Luck stat?

 

New Quest received! – A Random Encounter

A pair of ravenous beasts has gotten the scent of your camp and plan to chew your entrails, digging bits of them out from their very pointy teeth. Your digestions and subsequent defecation are sure to follow!

To successfully complete this quest:

Defeat two enemy beasts within the next five minutes without suffering a single fatality.

Reward: +1 to Strength and Endurance

 

The rest of them hooted and hollered, all except Rivera, who just stood stock still, scanning the skies. Dane didn’t mind the bonus abilities, but he wasn’t nearly as pumped about them as the others. He really needed to start finding a way to get them into quests that’d raise the stats that they really should have been leveling up anyways. But free was free, and their track record was clean. He pulled out his familiar and prepared to send it aloft.

“Skreaaah!” the duo of monsters screeched.

They had skirted around the city and come about two hundred feet away when the thing came through. Dane’s first impression was a hairless puma bristling with spikes instead, nine feet high and with a mouth like that went from nose to chin instead of horizontally, just chock full of teeth. It also had three tails ending in either suckers or barbed hooks; it was difficult to tell from this distance. Oh, and he soon discovered they had two little extra limbs up front, tucked in around the head, with three long alien fingers each.

He immediately inspected, just as another of them appeared:

 

Success! You have inspected the creatures:

Spiny jiddara

Level 10 beast

456/702 HP and 621/709 HP

The spiny jiddara goes through thousands upon thousands of teeth in its lifetime. In ages past, those teeth were used as currency by the forest peoples of Tef’lahn.

More information is not known. Why not level up your Perception or your Inspect skill?

 

“Two of ‘em, nice!” Niederhauer said, and cranked up his massive crossbow.

Dane shook his head, staring in awe. He didn’t like the looks of this.

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