Chapter 6: An Old Story of a Witch (2)

“How are you feeling, Naavah?”

She winced at the sound of his voice, not knowing how to react or what to say. Closing her eyes tightly, she clutched the end of the lingerie so hard in her hands, until it stung her. The thought of abandonment spreaded through her mind, making her gasp in revelation. She was alone in a foreign land, surrounded by unknown people, with an unfamiliar man inside a bedroom, having to do a strange thing with him. She curled up her legs, striving to make them stop trembling, while realizing in horror that no one was there to help her. It was like the worstest thing that could happen to anyone, was happening to her at that very moment, and she was all by herself.

“Was the maid on your liking?” he asked, looking at the table.

He didn’t saw her.

“Yes. She was uh, she was very sweet and attentive,” she said in a faint voice, looking at him through the locks of black hair, afraid to disturb the silence of the room and afraid to bring too much of his attention to her.

Fyodor took a bottle of red wine in one hand and opened it, looking at Naavah as if asking if she wanted a glass or not. Raising her head, she pondered for a moment, wondering if the drink could ease her mind at all, but shook her head, denying. As he poured the liquid into his glass, Naavah noticed the robe he was wearing and acknowledged that he had no other pieces of clothing underneath. She looked down again, hiding her face behind her hair. After taking a sip, Fyodor said in a friendly manner:

“So, tonight we are supposed to... embrace each other. But still, I want to ask you if you want to do this.”

“What?” she asked, looking at him again and felt tingles all over her body.

“I want your consentment for this,” he said, chuckling slightly at her question.

“I don’t...,” she said in a small voice, but she couldn’t finish her sentence because Fyodor’s eyes turned cold in a split second.

“You don’t. Why is that?” he asked, tilting his head faintly.

“Uhm,” she said, choking with her own saliva.

Her throat was so dried and her limbs shook like she was an animal going to be slaughtered. Naavah was always restless whenever she had to speak her mind, especially when the other person didn’t have the patience to listen. And because he didn’t let her finish, she felt goosebumps on her body, and her mind went blank.

“You think I am so despicable?” he asked in a faint, but taut voice.

“What? N-No. I don’t want to, b-be-” she began to say softly, in another attempt, thinking that she should compose herself in front of him, but then again she was stopped by his words.

“Do you think I am so lowly before you, right? You think I am some sort of old man trying to persuade a beautiful and respectful woman like yourself into doing some sickly sexual things to fulfill his own desires, right?” he asked, visibly angry.

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She slightly parted her lips with the intention of answering him, of telling him that he was wrong and he misunderstood her, that there was a completely other reason for not wanting to do this, but no sound came out. She became to feel nauseous and her hands started shaking so badly that it hurt her. Turning his back to her, he muttered something to himself until he smashed the glass on the ground, which made a very loud and deafening sound. She flinched, but kept trying with all her might to say something to calm him down, wanting to explain everything to him, but to no avail. Her lips felt as if they were glued together and pain began to spread through her chest. It was terrifying for her, seeing that she couldn’t do anything, and she was afraid of angering him even more with her helplessness. Her mind was filled with thoughts of him divorcing her, leaving her in the hands of her uncle and aunt again, to be tormented by them, because she simply couldn’t have sex on their first night as a newly married couple.

As she looked at his back, her heart was pounding hard and loud in her chest. She felt sick to her stomach and began to shiver, her mind racing in anticipation of a storm.

“W-Why the fuck d-don’t y-you want m-me? Am I-I n-not go-good e-enough f-for you? A-Are you s-s-sick b-b-because I’m older t-t-than you with s-six d-damn y-years? A-A-Are you that d-d-disgusted at t-t-the t-though of me t-t-touching you?” he shouted at her, clenching his fists and turning to look her straight in the eyes.

She could not answer him. She couldn’t mumble anything and just then, she felt a lump in her throat. She was going to throw up. She rose from the bed with her hand over her mouth, and sprinted through the bathroom door, grabbed a bucket and vomited into it.

He started laughing like a maniac with a bitter expression on his face. Hearing his laughter, her limbs have became so cold that she couldn’t even feel them trembling anymore.

“S-S-So you c-came here t-to r-r-reject me. H-H-How s-sweet from m-m-my wife!” he accentuated the word “wife” like he truly despised her; at least, that’s what Naavah considered at that moment.

Tears flowed down her cheeks while she threw up again and again. She couldn’t bear to look at him anymore, feeling weak and stupid, like a pathetic little being in the view of a big and dangerous animal. She wanted to disappear right before his eyes because of the shame. Naavah believed that it was all her fault and felt like fainting.

“T-Then, I w-w-will l-leave you t-to it. H-Have a g-g-good night, m-m-my wife!” he said, right before turning and slamming the door shut behind him.

She kept crying and throwing up for a few more hours, contemplating and feeding her anger towards herself and her inability to speak and explain anything to him. It hurted her that her first night ended like this. And she was so scared of the day that will come, more so about the consequences of her own actions. She expected him to intend a divorce without another word. And although it wasn’t her fault for anything that happened, she could not think so; she was used to this kind of treatment, and more so she even came to believe with all her being that all of the bad things were because of her. She was so familiar with these feelings, hatred towards herself, repulsiveness at her own actions and thoughts, tiredness of trying to make the difference between right and wrong, that she let them spread in her mind and soul. Always seen as a burden and that person anyone could take their anger out on, always being told that she was useless and not enough, everything made her think of one thing: she was the source for every single bad situation. No questions asked, no questions answered. That was all that there was. And she came to think like this, as well as the others around her.

Soon after, Naavah felt her body numb and fell asleep because of the struggles she endured for such a long time. All night long, she dreamed that Fyodor left her.

◊

Waking up, she felt every part of her body hurting, but still couldn’t think about that. She remembered all that had happened the night before and tears gathered in her eyes again. But she shook her head, holding them back, and took a decision: even though she didn’t feel well at all and her whole body ached from the constant vomiting from last night, she got out of bed and went directly in his office room with a heavy feeling in her heart. The door was of a dark brown shade and she felt like being pushed away. It was an awful and painful feeling, but she didn’t wanted to go back now. She wanted to try to make this marriage a good one.

She knocked on the door up to three times in hope of an answer. After hearing the words “Come in”, she pushed the doorknob and entered the big chamber. She found her husband standing at the desk, frowning at her sight.

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