Chapter 54: 13- Ya Hates Ta Watch Me Go, But Ya Loves Ta Watch Me Leave

Corbin made introductions quickly, even though Prissy had already met them both. They seemed astonished to see her again, but worse: he clearly detected that both of them were madly in lust with her. Both of them had a serious case of infatuation, or just being in their twenties and horning after every female that came along. Corbin felt like he identified with that, but couldn’t be sure, given the blasted magical amnesia. In any event, he felt a dark swell of protective jealousy swell up in his chest. Not that he wanted to be with Prissy, but for whatever reason, he definitely didn’t want these two to be with her. The first and brightest reason that sprang to mind was both of them seemed entirely too weak to handle someone so savvy. Prissy, if she needed anyone at all, needed someone confident and romantic, not drooling cowards.

He would unpack and sort all this internal turmoil out when they weren’t in danger of being buried alive. 

For Prissy’s part, she seemed astonished to learn he’d taken on a Steam Fister all by his lonesome. 

“Yeah well, the only use we’ll get out of these guys is freeing you from that war machine, and when the fae with too many titles uses the scroll to replay what happened to create the portal.” 

Both boys looked very eager to be of use in between the sheets, but shrank back away as soon as Prissy rounded on them. It came out that both were part of different adventure expeditions to figure out the secrets of Ullennai and report back. Brosh was from the tinkerer’s guild, funded by Fellwroth, while Dvellandrin was here on behalf of the Endless Wood far to the south. When Corbin said ‘is that next to The Parley?’ Dvelderrin explained excitedly that yes, yes it was! 

Both had been part of much larger parties, who had been ambushed by tons and tons of suicidal draklings ready to defend their dragon’s ability to eat them at will. Sheer numbers had led to a few of their people getting killed or dragged off to possibly be a meal for the dragon. Later they came up against much more disciplined resistance in the form of the groblin nation down here. 

“There was a main temple, a huge complex with shrines available to all the various gods of the lands, but the main building was built in the style of a step pyramid. That’s where we believe the wyrm resides, in the upside down version of the step pyramid,” the fae explained.

“Across the square though, the main meeting hall and keep was where the groblins made their place,” Brosh said. “Originally it would’ve been a three story building with a courtyard, but groblins have some serious digging capabilities. In the last three months they’ve expanded out away from the temple area, excavated new levels lower and lower… you have to respect their abilities.”

“We hafta do no such thing,” Prissy said. “So where’d ya reckon this scroll is? And more importantly, where’d ya reckon me ex is standing on top?”

Corbin suddenly imagined Todd going toe to toe with some evil subterranean dragon and grinned his doggy grin.

As it happened, Todd was up to his knees in dragon lair. He was still smashing around up above them, but also stomping at something down below himself. They went the long way, which involved more mobs of groblins, and a few more mobs of draklings, but involved much less of Todd’s smelly, awful hugeness. Down another three levels, Dvellandrin suddenly pulled up at the landing. 

“Down that last set of stairs, through a hallway, and a little further on is the wyrm’s hoard.” The place reverberated with the roaring and stomping of a confused and enraged sixty foot tall moron. Dust and the occasional chip of stone fell periodically, and for the first time, Corbin could hear the hissing roar of the dragon from down the hall. He wondered what info he would get on Todd now, if he were to Inspect him. The thought was both dark and satisfying. With any luck Todd and the dragon would kill each other off right as Prissy walked up. That would put the ex-husband kill counter at two, which he was sure would cheer her right up.

That outcome was, sadly, not guaranteed though. They had to expect the worst and plan for the best, as someone from his past once said. Probably his mother. 

“Stupid magic-induced amnesia. We need to get that scroll and get out before this entire place comes down on our heads,” Corbin said. “Gather round, and let’s get a plan worked out.”

They put their heads together, which involved the three humanoids hunkering down over Corbin. The two new members of the party seemed averse to doing pretty much anything risky, which Corbin now understood given they were both sniveling lackeys who had gotten lucky not to be killed outright. The kicker was they were captured by kobolds and groblins, two of the simplest monsters in existence, monsters even noobs could crush with starting characters. So it fell to Prissy to sneak into the hoard using a device Brosh whipped up, to give he and Dvellandrin a window into whatever she was seeing, like a magical livestreaming. With this in place, they could point out anything in the hoard that was useful to loot, and anything that wasn’t. Corbin’s job was to run circles around any drakling resistance she came across, and or bite the shit out of anyone stupid enough to mess with Prissy. 

“So to recap while Brosh builds the first ever magic GoPro,” Corbin said, “you two remain safely ensconced in this portion of the subterranean death trap over here, while we venture into the war zone filled with treasure, possibly get attacked by a wyrm, and hope we can find a needle in a haystack.”

They nodded at him.

Brosh placed the golf ball sized, glowing blue power core into the back of the device, and fused it to the headband he’d created. Instantly an image appeared in the scrying bowl he’d crafted out of metal scraps and filled with a bit of water. The whole thing was a dizzying and nauseating double view for a second, but resolved into an image of the hallway once Prissy fastened the contraption to her head. 

“Eh? How’s it look then?” 

“You… you look…” Brosh couldn’t finish.

“Oy bet oy look bloody brilliant,” she chirped. “A runway model, that’s me.”

Corbin gave the two new additions to the party a dark look. “Absolutely amazing, right guys?”

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“Uh… yeah, that’s absolutely one hundred percent correct, isn’t it, Brosh?” He added an un-subtle elbow to the orc’s ribs. Brosh just furrowed his brow in confusion and stared at each of them in turn, over and over again, too gobsmacked to speak. 

Prissy rolled her eyes. “Yer friggin hero is headed in. Ya hates to watch me go, but ya loves ta watch me leave.”

Corbin stuck right by her side while the boys did exactly that, and ogled her backside. 

The hoard spread out at the end of the hallway, in a massive room. Everything down here was black or slate gray, and in some places indigo where it wasn’t lit up with greenish bioluminescent sprays of mold, but all that ended with the mountain of gold. 

The draklings must have found this place right off the bat, and started raking in treasure from anyone and anything they could. Gold crowns, scepters, little chests, things that looked like faberge eggs, all these were interspersed in between shining bits of shield, hunks of random armor, swords, daggers, maces, pole arms. All those were strewn about in and among a pile of gold coins and jewels of every color. It had to be six feet deep where Corbin could see it, and angled upward, to larger off to the right, when they entered the room. 

Both of them stopped and stared for a moment; only a moment, because a huge foot came down in the middle of that pile, spraying coins and pauldrons and gauntlets and sapphires every which direction. In Prissy’s ear, their two cowardly compatriots were commenting about the sheer size of the mound of gold, when the foot appeared and both shrieked. It reminded Corbin of YouTube videos of goats, sounding exactly like screaming people. He chuckled.

Then the wyrm came into view. It flowed like a great serpent, on six dark and gleaming legs. Its whole body was a supple, oily black color, but Corbin concentrated and got it through Prissy’s eyes. The thing actually seemed so black it was purple, and had mottling of lighter grayish and bluish running down its back, where spines protruded in a long fishy fin. The thing looked like a hundred percent flowing death. 

 

You have Inspected the monster!

Wyrm of the depths

Level 48 adult wyrm

2241/5270 HP

This creature has enhanced stats, being sapient and fully capable of many forms of magic. You should really consider increasing your Inspect to learn everything it’s capable of, but here’s a sample: each of those spines running down its back and protruding from the joints produces a paralytic poison. Another free sample: this wyrm has a breath weapon that also deals poison damage, attacking enemies’ Endurance and causing fast-acting, extreme lethargy. This is fun: the breath weapon emerges as a cone!

Pro tip: This boss is recommended only for high level, veteran adventuring squads, and not badass cat ladies with two wussy bitch boys quivering fifty feet away. You’ve been warned.

 

And just like that, the dragon leapt up and out of sight. It was really fast, too. 

Corbin didn’t even have the energy to swear. Instead he froze, stared up at Prissy, and watched her gather up her courage. One tiny part of him wondered if they might be capable of killing the thing off, given that her ex-husband had already done the lion’s share of the work. The rest of him knew, just knew, that this thing would kill him in one hit, and it wasn’t worth it.

They edged their way, quivering as well, to the doorway and the mountain of treasure. From here, he could now see the mountain stretched up almost twenty feet against the back wall. From his doggy vantage, it was practically Everest.

“You ready?” she whispered.

“No… but we have to. Let’s do it.”

She was just about to spring into action when Kyessy appeared, holding a scroll.

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