Chapter 14: Chapter 13: TGR

When we get home, I tell Mom and Chinatsu I want to talk to them for a bit. Mom sits down on the couch, while Chinatsu and I sit on a large floor cushion in front of her.

“Mom, Monday would you call to set me an appointment with a psychologist?”

“I already told you I would, but are you sure you want to do this?”

“I know it's going to be hard, but I believe I have to do it. I thought about it a long time ago, but I was just too ashamed to ask about it since I was a boy. I already feel like I’m worthless. Yes, I know what you told me, but that's how I feel though. If I don’t do something about it I really think I'll become just that, worthless. An emotional cripple who can’t function in society. I have no idea why I’m this way and I’ve no idea how to fix myself. I mean, I know part of it is because I was picked on so much. Anyway, the only time I feel safe and even remotely normal is when I’m with you, Chinatsu and Dad.”

I sigh and take breath. Chinatsu takes my hand and leans her head on my shoulder.

“Yesterday when we were shopping for swimsuits, I went to try on some of them while Chinatsu was still looking through the rack. When I came out to show her the one I wanted to choose I couldn't see her and I almost lost it. Don’t get mad at Chinatsu, I told her I'd be fine, since the fitting room was only a short distance away. The point is, I don’t want to live like this anymore Mom.”

Tears begin spilling from my eyes and creating rivulets down my cheeks. I’m so frustrated and angry. I hate being so weak and afraid.

“I simply want to be able to live a normal life where I don’t always freak out over the least little thing. Today I had a panic attack outside of the hospital. Simply because you dropped us off and there was a group of boys there in front of the hospital. They did nothing wrong and yet all I could see was that one boy’s leering face from the mall.”

“I know quite well why Chinatsu sleeps with me. I know she loves me, just like I love her, but that isn’t it, is it?”

I stand up and look at Chinatsu when I ask the question and then continue without waiting for an answer.

“You sleep with me because you know I’m afraid when I wake up alone. I’ve pretended I didn’t know, but that's nothing more than me taking advantage of the fact you love me enough that you would do anything for me.”

I wipe away my tears on my arm and continue, “Fine, let's say I don't see anyone for help and I continued to pretend I knew nothing. What is going to happen when you find someone and get married? I already know you have to do it. You told me yourself that you're fertile too. You know we are required to get married and have children. So, what happens then? You leave me and I’m right back where I was at the beginning. Only worse this time because I just lost the one person I depended on most.”

Chinatsu has a stricken expression as if I had hit her while tears stream down her cheeks. I suppose I have, verbally at least, but I can't seem to stop the flood of words.

I sigh again and scrub away my tears. “Chinatsu, I love you too much to let you throw away everything for me. If you don't find someone you love to marry by the time you're twenty-one, the government will step in and you know it. I don't want to see that happen.”

“Sora! Calm down! You are getting overwrought and going overboard. What you're talking about is a long way off. Now, sit back down and take a deep breath.” Mom snaps at me.

I sit back down beside Chinatsu and take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Turning to Chinatsu. I wrap my arms around her to hug her tightly. “I’m sorry. I’m scared and worried. I shouldn't have taken it out on you.” I quietly tell her.

I did it again. My emotions take off like a rocket and it seems to take an act of God to stop them. I take another deep breath and slowly let it out. I let go of Chinatsu and turn back to face Mom while wiping the tears away again.

“I’m sorry Mom. I can't seem to control my emotions which just makes things worse.”

“I know Sora, Chinatsu and I heard the doctor as well… Okay, to finish the subject, if you want me to set an appointment for you on Monday I will.”

“Thank you Mom, I really appreciate it.”

“Since that's finished, why don’t you go rest.”

Standing up, I give Mom a hug and wearily trudge upstairs to my room.

Closing the door behind me, I undress, pick up my nightgown off the dresser and slip it on.

I then flop down on my bed and let out a long sigh. Why do I do these things? I know very well how much Chinatsu loves me and yet I basically tell her it was nothing but an act of charity on her part. Why do I always try to push people away? Especially Chinatsu, who has always loved me unconditionally. Even when everyone else tried to get her to stay away from me, she flat out refused and had nothing further to do with them. I wish I understood myself better.

I look at the door as Chinatsu opens it, but she doesn't move from the doorway.

“Are you still mad at me?” She asks me while looking at the floor.

“Chinatsu, I was never mad at you. I’m scared and I took it out on you. You’ve done nothing wrong. I told you that downstairs.”

“...You’re wrong Sora-nee. I don’t sleep with you because you're afraid. I sleep with you because I like being with you. Being close to you has always made me happy. I thought you knew that.”

“Come here Chinatsu.” I tell her as I pat the bed beside me. She comes over and lays down beside me. “I’m horrible with words, so I don’t know if this will come out right. I’ve always been afraid of you Chinatsu.”

“Me?”

“Well, not you per se, but that you might abandon me one day. Even with as little as I know about myself, I know I couldn't take that. So, I suppose I thought it best to push you away. I’m not saying that this is supposed to make a lot of sense. I know you love me and wouldn't do that…” I sigh because I’m getting frustrated that I can’t get what I’m trying to say to come out right.

“I think I know what you're trying to say Sora-nee.”

“Listen, you're my favorite person in the whole world. Everyone else in it could disappear in the next second, but as long as you were here with me I'd be fine. I’m overly dependent on you for emotional support. I have been for a long, long time. I know this, but there is nothing I can do about it. The thought of you leaving me alone scares me to death. I want to stay close to you, but I need to be able to walk on my own as well. If I can't do that, I’m going to end up a basket case.”

“Sora-nee, apparently you don't realize it, but I’m exactly the same as you. I’ve told you many times how important you are to me. No one, not even Mom or Dad mean as much to me as you do. I always knew that no matter what happened you would always be there for me with a smile. You were my very first friend. Now you're not only my best friend, but my sister too. Nothing will ever change that. I won't allow it. I promise you, I'll always be here for you, okay?”

“I want to believe you. I really do.”

“Believe it. If I was going to do that, I'd have done it long before now. I can’t though or rather, I don’t want to.”

“I feel the same way.” I sigh tiredly. “Can we go to sleep now? I really am exhausted.”

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Her only answer to me was to snuggle up closer to me and get into her usual position.

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A knock on my door wakes us, then Mom says, “Girls, it's time to get up. Sora, would you come help me with dinner when you get ready?”

“Sure Mom. I'll be down in a few minutes.”

I stand up and stretch. I feel awkward and uncomfortable to be honest. I know Chinatsu and I talked through things, but it doesn’t change the fact that I said a lot of very hurtful things to her earlier. I absolutely hate myself for doing things like that.

When I glance at Chinatsu, she is sitting up on the bed with an expectant look and I quickly turn away. I can't even look at her. I feel so guilty and ashamed of myself for the way I acted. She has to hate me for what I said, regardless of what she said when we talked.

I feel arms slide around my waist and pull me backwards. “Oh no you dont! You are not allowed to distance yourself from me!” Chinatsu tells me forcefully.

“...B-but, Chinatsu…”

“I said no and I meant it. You and I are just fine. You aren't mad at me and I’m not mad at you, so stop this. I told you already you're my best friend, my sister, and I love you. That will never change. Look at me.”

I turn around in her arms to look at her.

“I’ve told you many times before, I love you and I'll never leave you. We’re fine. Just relax and act like you always do. I'm here for you and you're here for me. That won’t ever change for as long as the sun rises in the east, okay?”

She pulls me tighter into her embrace and rests her chin on my shoulder. “There might be something wrong with us. If so, I don’t really care. We have always needed each other. After all, we have been together almost every day for as far back as I can remember. I don’t want that to change, ever.”

“I’m ashamed of myself for the way I acted. Please forgive me.”

“There is nothing to forgive. You are my family. Sometimes they say or do things to hurt each other, it doesn't mean that they don't love each other anymore. Just forget about it. It doesn't mean anything. Like I said, we are fine, so just act like you normally do with me. Okay?”

“Alright, thank you Chinatsu.”

I hug her even tighter to me. I still feel a little awkward, but I suppose that's to be expected. She’s right though and I know it. She’s my favorite person in the world and there is nothing, and I do mean nothing, that I wouldn’t do for her.

I pull away from her and look her in the eye. “Okay, I need to get dressed and go help Mom make dinner. Would you help me pick out something to wear?”

She smiles and nods. “You bet!”

　◇ ◆ ◇ ◆ ◇ ◆ ◇

After dinner, we are all in the living room where Dad asked us to gather.

“Sora, how are you feeling?” Dad asks me again. It confuses me somewhat because we talked about this a short time ago during dinner.

“I’m fine Dad, just like I said.”

“Well, I know I asked earlier, but I want to go try and open the basement. Are you okay to do that?”

“Of course Dad. I feel perfectly fine. It’s just opening the door, so it shouldn't be a big deal.”

“I don’t want you to get upset, but there are going to be quite a few people there. Don’t worry though, anything that's related to you I'll make sure to keep or get a copy of so you can see it. Okay?”

“Thank you Dad. Even if I didn't get a copy, I know you would tell me everything I need to know. Do you want to do it now?”

“No, I need to make a call, so it might be an hour or so.”

“No problem, just let me know when you want to do it.”

　◇ ◆ ◇ ◆ ◇ ◆ ◇

Approximately an hour later the door intercom chimes and Dad goes to answer it. He comes back with an older man in a dark gray suit.

“Sora, come here please.”

I stand and walk over to Dad. I don’t know why, but the second I saw the man with him I got a very bad feeling. He makes me very nervous and I’m extremely leery of him.

“Sora, this is Mr. Akiyama. He is the director of Tokyo Genetics Research, the company Daiki and Ai worked for.”

“P-pleased t-to m-meet you Mr. A-Akiyama. I-I’m Sora K-Kobayashi.” I stammer out nervously. I really hope a psychologist can help me. I hate feeling so nervous and awkward around people.

“I’m very pleased to finally meet you, Ms. Ito. ...Uh, Ms. Kobayashi.”

He corrects himself quickly as my eyes open wide, I tense up, and my heart rate skyrockets while thinking, ‘Finally meet me? He knows who I really am! This can't be a good thing! I need to get away from him!’

I’m no longer nervous and leery, I’m utterly terrified of this man. I don't know exactly why, but I am. All of my instincts are screaming at me, ‘RUN!’ Tears are streaming out of my eyes making it hard for me to see. Backing up until I bump into the couch, I lose strength in my legs and fall to my knees. I feel like I can't get enough air, even though I’m breathing really fast.

I hear my Dad’s angry voice, but I can't understand what he is saying over the roaring sound in my ears. I can’t see who, but someone kneels down in front of me and pulls me into their embrace.

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