Chapter 139: CH 139

On March 26, 1885, I received a telegram saying that my father died. 

I wanted to achieve something big and visit him proudly, but everything was in vain. 

‘Father’ 

Since when did I stop saying I love you? 

Was it the time when I started going out with Sein? Or was it since the day I decided to become an artist? 

I’m not sure, but I haven’t seen my father’s face since I met Sien, no, since I let her go.

I intentionally avoided him fearing what would pop out of his mouth. 

He only kept his resentment boiling in his heart, and it kept eating his soul. 

Now that I couldn’t see or talk to him, the words that I couldn’t speak to him are hovering around my mouth. 

Father. Father. Father

Beyond the smoke of the cigarette, I saw the Bible that my father gave me. 

My father, who was a clergy at Dutch Reformed Church, always wanted me to continue his path. 

At one time, I even tried to walk the same path as my father, but I couldn’t. 

The more I studied theology, the more I found that the church is in contrast to God’s grace, holy words, and salvation. 

So, rather than being in church, I decided to become a preacher to spread the gospel to the poor. 

I stayed in the mining town of Borinage, Belgium, hoping that the lives of miners would improve even a little. 

I told the mine owners that they should love their employees, but nothing changed. 

No one followed God’s teachings to love their neighbors. 

The powerful were obsessed with small doctrines and kept saying everyone was equal before Lord only with their mouths. 

Blinded by greed, they swallowed the blood of the poor regardless of the Lord’s words. 

I had no choice but to follow Jesus, who was willing to go to the lowest place. 

I guess my father didn’t like my choice. 

I didn’t do anything wrong. 

I just wanted to live with the poor and needy and support them.

I blamed my father for not understanding it, and I resented him. 

Why? 

Why does this hurt? 

Why do I regret not speaking to him when I vowed not to see him again? 

“Uughhhhhhhhhhhhhh.” 

Words and emotions that couldn’t come out of my lips flow down. 

Once everything flowed down, I let go of the sadness that kept coming up. 

One day, two days, three days. 

After crying for a long time, I was able to gather my mind and organize my thoughts. 

It was only now that I realized that love takes precedence over morals and beliefs.

My father, who scolded me for meeting a prostitute, and me, who shouted at him for not seeing her as a woman, just had different opinions.

We were just different from each other, and is it okay to break the relationship between the father and the son because of that difference? 

No, it’s not. 

Rather than regretting it, it would have been better if we acknowledged our differences and tried to love each other for what they are. 

Putting the Bible that my father gave me on the canvas, I painted a candle that was blown out with a heart of regret that he is no more.

Émile Zola’s 『The Joy of Life』, which was placed in front of the bible, may not represent the life my father wanted, but that’s my path.

It is a pledge and a regret that I will no longer hate and resent my father. 

Although we didn’t understand each other till the end, it doesn’t mean I didn’t love my father. 

I love you, Father.

I remembered the day I regretted not reconciling with my father. 

I couldn’t say I love you, or I’m sorry, or thank you. 

Life is short, and it’s a pity that many spend time hating each other instead of loving each other in that short time. 

I wanted to find a way to help even if it’s a little bit, so I asked grandpa one more time. 

“Is there no other way, grandpa?” 

“Well,” 

Grandpa said, rubbing his hands. 

“If you try to persuade either side, you end up fighting with them.” 

Yes. 

The reason I separated from Anton Van Raffard and Paul Gauguin was that I wanted to change them. 

It happened because they denied me. 

Even if I’m right, the conflict will arise. 

It would be nice to admit that we are different, but to do so, we have to understand each other deeply. 

Will they ever understand Ferdinando Gonzalez? 

I really don’t know. 

I kept thinking as I got off at Incheon Airport and got home, but I couldn’t find the answer. 

I don’t know if I still have the courage to fight against the strong. 

My entire life has been ruined because I refused to follow the mainstream. 

But what’s clear is that even though I’m afraid of my life repeating itself, I don’t have even the smallest courage I had in my previous life. 

I don’t have the energy to do that. 

I want to help one person to prepare for the last work of his life. 

Jang Mirae, who visited Ko Sooyeol’s house, went to see Ko Hun. 

The studio door was closed, so she knocked on the door a few times, but there was no response. 

Carefully she opened the door. 

Inside, Ko Hun was looking at his smartphone with his chin in his hand. 

“Hey Little guy, your aunt is here and what are you doing without showing your face?” 

Jang Mirae approached Ko Hun. 

She laughed when she saw the smartphone playing the baby shark song. 

“Aunt Mirae.” 

Ko Hun took off his earphones. 

Jang Mirae asked anxiously because his worries were reflected on his face. 

“Hey little Hun, what happened?” 

“That…,” 

Ko Hun swallowed his words as he turned off his smartphone. 

When Ko Hun mentioned what happened to Ferdinando Gonzalez, Jang Mirae leaned on the desk with her arms crossed. 

Ko Hun expressed his desire to help Gonzalez. 

“But I don’t know what to do,” 

Jang Mirae, who just nodded and listened to Ko Hun without interrupting, smiled. 

“It’s a little different. I’ve been through that before.” 

“Aunt Mirae too?” 

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“Yeah.” 

Jang Mirae organized her thoughts and told the story. 

It may be a little difficult for a child, but she thought Ko Hun might understand it. 

“There was a contest where all rookies wanted to win awards. I got banned at that contest.” 

“Banned?”

“At that time, the daughter of the president of the association received the grand prize that I should have received.” 

Ko Hun blinked at Jang Mirae’s words, but soon recalled her work and nodded. 

“I was so angry that I threw a bucket full of paint and water on the judges.” 

“Bucket?”

Ko Hun didn’t know how big the bucket was, but when Jang Mirae said she threw a heavy thing, Ko Hun could understand how angry Jang Mirae was. 

Jang Mirae shrugged her shoulders. 

“And then I became a bad person, even though I was the victim.” 

Ko Hun comforted Jang Mirae by placing his hand on the back of her hand. 

“At first, I was confident. But from then on all the exhibitions refused to display my paintings, and a strange rumor started circulating around along with people who started cursing me on the Internet. I was cornered.” 

“It must have been hard.” 

“Yeah. If Teacher didn’t help me, I might have given up on Art.” 

“How did grandpa help Aunt Mirae?” 

“He advised me to go and study abroad,” 

Ko Hun thought for a moment. 

Avoiding the problem could also be a solution, but he didn’t understand whether it will solve the fundamental problem. 

Moreover, it cannot be applied to Ferdinando Gonzalez’s situation. 

“At first, I didn’t like it because I wondered why I should run away. Don’t you think so too?” 

Ko Hun looked up in wonder. 

“As I studied abroad, there were people who recognized me little by little, and as the number of fans increased, Korean people also started looking at my works without prejudice.” 

“Oh.” 

“I think Teacher wanted to let me know this. No matter how much someone attacks with evil intentions and tries to crush you with power, they cannot bring down an Artist who is loved by fans.” 

Jang Mirae grinned, looking at Ko Hun. 

“I wouldn’t have known this if Hae, Sooj, and Teacher weren’t by my side.” 

Ko Hun nodded. 

It was neither a politician nor a capitalist that could give strength to an Artist. It was the people who visit the art museum. 

As Jang Mirae said, without the help of influential people such as Ko Hun’s parents and grandfather, she would have been swept away by prejudice, but even that help would have been useless if Jang Mirae did not try on her own. 

Jang Mirae’s work was loved by the public, and today she was an Artist representing Korea. 

Ko Hun believed Ferdinando Gonzalez, who created the [untitled-perfect lover], would surely surprise the world once again and be loved. 

Ko Hun realized that even if he didn’t do anything great, just trusting and supporting the person would help them and it was the most important thing. 

Jang Mirae asked while looking at Ko Hun, who nodded his head as if he had decided on something. 

“What do you think, little Hun?” 

“What?” 

“Ferdinando? I wonder why you wanted to help him. You guys aren’t even close, right?” 

Ko Hun closed his eyes to organize his words. 

“It’s unfair, disturbing one’s freedom of expression.” 

Jang Mirae responded. 

“That’s true, whether the expression is in the form of words, Art, literature, or music. No one has the right to stop someone from expressing themself. But, isn’t it the same for the other side too?” 

Jang Mirae mentioned the people who were criticizing Ferdinando Gonzalez. 

Aren’t they expressing what they think? 

“There will inevitably be a conflict because what everyone thinks and pursues are completely different from each other.” 

Jang Mirae said while she lay face down on the desk. 

“I thought I should express myself without violating other people’s freedom, but….” 

Ko Hun finished Jang Mirae’s words in a voice full of conviction. 

“….it isn’t easy,” 

Jang Mirae slowly raised her upper body. 

“It is natural and true that freedom should not be violated while pursuing it…”

Ko Hun continued while Jang Mirae looked at him without blinking. 

“If we fear violating others’ freedom, then we all have to be silent. Everyone has to stop expressing themselves because there will be someone who has a different idea and because there will be a conflict one day. Is such a society really a healthy society?” 

Jang Mirae shook her head when asked by Ko Hun. 

“It’s good to acknowledge that we are different, but that’s not easy. While trying to express yourself, you may end up getting hurt by other people’s words and actions, which can lead to injustice.” 

“That’s right.” 

“But it’s too precious. How can you live giving up on being you? How can you live without expressing yourself? There are things, even if you think the world might not accept, you have to keep moving forward if you believe in it. If you do that, you may find and meet someone who thinks and feels the same as you.” 

Ko Hun said while smiling despondently. 

“I know… It’s hard,” 

Ko Hun said sullenly thinking about his long-cherished thoughts. 

“It would be nice if we could cherish each other and embrace each other.”

“…….”

“Is it too ideal?”

“No,” 

Jang Mirae shook her head. 

“There may be an answer or maybe not, but I want to keep trying until I find one.” 

“Ah…” 

She wondered about the way Ko Hun took the problem, which she was having a hard time finding an answer to. 

And she was also surprised to see him trying to find the answer in his own way. 

It was so touching that he wants to try even if I couldn’t solve it. 

“Little Hun? You’d better not try to find the ideal answer. In fact, the answer may be one, several, or none.” 

That’s what Ko Hun always said to Cha Sihyeon.

Ko Hun nodded and replied.  

“The important thing is to try to find the answer. If you stop thinking, you’ll be dead.” 

“That’s right.” 

Ko Hun desperately experienced that everyone had their own answers and it could lead to conflict with each other. 

Ferdinand Gonzalez’s case was not a new one, but a reminder of memory. 

The memory of a stubborn painter who once tried to persuade and correct others. 

In the past, his relationship with many people has been distorted, and he thought his way of pushing his ideals might have been wrong.  

The thought of accepting them as they are and loving them made him more mature when he faced the same problem as then. 

When the freedom of two people collide, the small courage to see the other person as they are, sprouts. 

TRIVIA

The way Ko Hun treats paintings and people, introduced in Van Gogh Reborn!, is depicted as a setting where he regrets and reflects on his words and actions in the past. That’s also the reason why he did not break his relationship with Henry Marceau despite fighting a lot.

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