Chapter 19: Ch. 18 How Far They Have Come

The afternoon had mostly run its course, but there was still some hour before sunset and so, back in their room, Sammy brought out her new book, gently opening it. Julie watched Sammy read for a short while, unthinking—unwilling to think—until footsteps outside their room distracted her. Although she waited, nothing came of the sound.

Stray thoughts used that momentary distraction to sneak in; one of them was a reminder that she had also bought (been gifted) a book. After debating it for a moment, she decided it was, if nothing else, something to distract her from the thoughts she didn’t want to think.

While Sammy sat on a stool by the window, Julie tried to hide herself, lowering herself to the floor and then leaning against the bed. Well, she knew reading didn’t suit her like it did Sammy, shy at the thought of Sammy seeing her reading. So she bowed her head, hunched her shoulders, and opened the book.

“My… name,” she quietly mumbled, her finger under the words as she read them.

By the window, Sammy picked out those murmurs. She listened for a short while, then stood up and crept over—not wanting to disturb Julie. The sight that greeted her was awfully childish in such an endearing way: Julie truly looked like a young girl who had snuck off in the middle of her chores.

What amused Sammy more, though, was how Julie just had to speak the words she read, how her finger had to follow the words, hesitating now and then It was just so strange, something Sammy had never done and never known anyone else do.

Perhaps that amusement was palpable because Julie paused, glanced back. Seeing Sammy staring at her with that look, Julie felt justified in her hiding—and all the more embarrassed for being found out. “W-what?” she asked, her tone perhaps a bit sharp.

“I am just pleased to have learned a little more about you,” Sammy replied.

Already feeling defensive, Julie took that answer as more patronising than sincere, shutting the book. “Sorry if I disturbed you,” she mumbled.

Her pouting only further endeared her to Sammy. “No, please do continue and I shall leave you to your reading,” Sammy said.

Out of stubbornness, Julie said, “No, it’s fine. It’s… too hard for me anyway—no point trying.”

That was very much the wrong thing to say, she quickly found out. Within a blink, Sammy was sitting on the floor beside her, and then Sammy patted her own lap. “Come, sit with me.”

Julie stared at Sammy for a long moment before asking, “You’re serious?”

Sammy answered with another enthusiastic pat of her lap.

This finally broke Julie, shaking her head as a note of laughter slipped out. “No.”

At that, Sammy’s gaze narrowed, intense enough that it made Julie’s feel unsteady, a trickle of fear down her spine. “Come,” Sammy simply said.

Julie obeyed.

It was a strange position. Sammy was upright and Julie was slumped, the top of her head against Sammy’s cheek. For Julie, it was uncomfortable and, despite leaning against Sammy, she didn’t feel it was at all intimate.

That was until Sammy picked up the book and opened it, resting it on Julie’s lap. With her arms either side of Julie, it was almost like an embrace; without noticing, Julie stopped finding the position so uncomfortable.

“Let me be your dictionary,” Sammy whispered, every word loud in Julie’s ear so close to her mouth.

“O-okay,” Julie mumbled.

Sammy skipped through the first couple of pages, scanning for the words she’d last heard Julie repeat; finding them, she placed her finger on the page and began to slowly move it.

Julie slowly read along, now and then stumbling on a word. “Pre—prec—”

“Precocious,” Sammy whispered, warm on Julie’s ear.

It was a very long experience later that the room darkened with the onset of dusk. While Julie’s thoughts of discomfort had been long replaced with a modest flush, and Sammy was so very content to hold her precious jewel and listen to her voice, all good things had an end.

“Let us stop here for today,” Sammy whispered.

A quiver ran through Julie; she nodded and, with how unsteady her legs felt, carefully stood up. After taking a deep breath, she offered Sammy a hand up, which Sammy took and then didn’t let go.

That didn’t bother Julie, but what did was how Sammy looked at her. It was such a deep stare. The more Julie returned it, the more she struggled to breathe, seemingly even her heart forgetting to beat. But, rather than unpleasant, it wasn’t enough to distract her from how beautiful those eyes were, something so mesmerising about them.

Sammy could truly have asked anything of Julie in that moment, and yet all she said was, “Let us watch.”

Julie didn’t know what that meant, not until Sammy turned away and gently tugged her over to the window. She’d seen the view earlier in the day, both from this window and from outside: a vast and endless sea.

However, that wasn’t the sight she saw now.

“One of the early kings of Sonlettier saw this sight and claimed it to be a gift from the gods,” Sammy said. “Thus, the priory was founded here.”

An incredible sunset, full of warm colours that glittered on the rough waves and lit up the sparse clouds, and the sun itself reflected off the water in a column of light that seemed to link the heavens and earth.

“Wow,” Julie muttered.

“This… is the real reason I wanted to bring you here,” Sammy said; she let go of Julie’s hand in favour of looping it around Julie’s waist, pulling her close. So distracted, Julie barely noticed the touch.

Together, they watched the sun sink into the ocean.

A peace followed. While the earlier peace had been full of emotion (at least for Julie), this one had an emptiness—but not a loneliness. If they were truly the only two people in the world, neither would mind.

Sammy turned, Julie feeling the movement and responding in kind, the two coming to look each other in the eye. Oh, Sammy had never seen such beautiful eyes. Or, rather, she knew that these were the eyes against which every other would be judged and found lacking. These were the eyes that could make her heart dance to any tune.

Right now, those eyes made her heart throb, almost painful, yet so very pleasant.

Unthinking, Sammy brought up a hand to cup Julie’s cheek, and Julie leaned into the touch, brought up her own hand to cover Sammy’s, holding it there. Unconsciously, Sammy glanced down at Julie’s lips; Julie’s tongue darted out, wetting her lips in response.

Sammy couldn’t believe how someone so innocent could be so seductive, every bit the rabbit curling up on the fox’s lap.

Her aching desires crashed against her dam of reason, leaking through cracks in whispers of, “Lia would let you.” Gods, those whispers were almost as seductive as Julie, especially because Sammy knew how good she could make Julie feel, how she would be so gentle and loving, desperate to give Julie all the affection she yearned to know herself.

And that last bit of reasoning, while the most convincing, was what would always hold Sammy back: she knew her sexuality differed to Julie’s. That, while Julie had always shown interest in returning romantic intimacy, Sammy had yet to feel desired.

With that preying on her mind, she whispered, “Lia.”

Julie felt the pull of that single word. Having been so lost in Sammy’s eyes, it took a moment for her to come back, just in time for Sammy to purse her lips. Seeing that, Julie knew what Sammy wanted, needed.

She knew, and that knowledge tickled but didn’t feel ticklish, as if she’d become used to it—come to like it.

So she leaned in, her eyes fluttering closed.

No sooner had their lips met than a knock sounded out. However, Sammy made no move to pull away, and Julie pushed through the rush of guilt and worry, overcome by the need to kiss Sammy like she had been kissed the night before. Not just a peck, Julie tried to kiss like Sammy had, feeling like she was just making her lips squirm.

What she lacked in technique, she made up for in enthusiasm. At least, that was how Sammy felt, flooded by a deep warmth that melted all her worries and frustrations.

“Are our guests present?” asked a muffled voice from beyond the door.

That was enough to break Julie’s determination and she hesitantly pulled back, though it looked to Sammy as if the kiss might well resume. However, after a long second, Julie shuffled back half a step.

“We are,” Sammy loudly said.

“I hope I am not interrupting, but dinner will be soon,” said the sister.

“You are interrupting, but we will be there shortly.”

Torn between embarrassment and laughter, Julie bowed her head, a couple of snorts forcing their way out.

“I, um, okay,” said the sister; Julie thought it nice that at least she wasn’t the only one flustered by Sammy.

Once the sister had walked away, Sammy brought the moment to a close by pulling Julie into a close embrace, sealing her feelings with a lingering kiss on the top of Julie’s bowed head. For her part, Julie stewed in heat, more than just her cheeks prickling hot.

“You look so beautiful right now,” Sammy murmured.

Julie could only wish she could believe that. With how she felt, she was sure her tanned skin looked like she was sunburnt or had taken a fall into poison ivy, to say nothing of her boyish appearance. Even then, no one could think she was beautiful when standing beside Sammy, she knew, simply a candle to the sun.

But Sammy’s words bid Julie to look up; as if it reinforce her last thought, Sammy truly looked beyond words.

With such gentleness, Sammy brought up a hand to brush some loose hair behind Julie’s ear and then leaned in for no more than a peck of her lips. “Let us tame our desires with a humble dinner.”

Julie wasn’t sure if that really was a thing, but she hoped a cup of chilled water would at least help to cool her down.

As soon as they left the room, Sammy showed no more of her naked affections, merely holding Julie’s hand. Julie was thankful the teasing wouldn’t continue through the meal, keenly aware of who was around them.

However, it was not to be a peaceful meal. While the children had stayed composed at lunch, that was because Julie had seemed aloof in her gallant displays with a sword; Sammy, on the other hand, had shown herself to be rather open to their interest. Despite the sisters attempts, Sammy and Julie were swarmed, but Sammy waved the sisters off and left the children to squash as many at the table as they could, a promise to the others that she and Julie would be present for breakfast and lunch tomorrow.

Once again, Julie had to admit Sammy was good with children. She just had such a natural charisma and it shone so clearly when she strung the girls along with tales of Hopschtat. (At least, Julie assumed Sammy was talking about there; she didn’t understand much of the Sonlettian Sammy spoke, but Hopschtat came up often.)

Even after they’d all finished eating, the girls lingered and Sammy indulged them. It was only when Sister Onnétutty came over that Sammy politely, yet firmly, dismissed the children, the other sisters taking the hint.

“Sister Tutty wishes to see our guests in the infirmary,” Sister Onnétutty said.

So that was where they went.

Although nothing was said during their walk, the reason became clear when they reached the door, a child’s babbling leaking through. Sammy knocked and Sister Tutty invited them in.

As Sammy and Julie walked over, Sister Tutty said in Schtish, “I hear our guests are most popular.”

“It speaks well of how you have raised them that they have such good taste,” Sammy said, her serious tone belying her humoured smile.

Sister Tutty chortled, shaking her head. “Such vivid guests—I daresay we shall be speaking of you for years to come,” she said.

“I am glad we can be of some use,” Sammy said, and it was very clear to Sister Tutty that those words were spoken while looking at Amélie.

Sister Tutty appreciated the dark humour, but took it as a cue to become serious. So, now speaking in Sonlettian, she said to Amélie, “This is the person who rescued you, a Miss Sammy, and her friend, a Miss Julie.”

Like always, Sammy whispered a translation for Julie.

Meanwhile, Amélie looked up at Sammy with what could only be awe, her eyes wide, mouth hidden behind the blanket she’d pulled up to her nose. Despite Sister Tutty’s prompt, she showed no sign of speaking; eventually, Sister Tutty gently touched her shoulder, giving it a slight shake.

“Um,” Amélie mumbled, her eyes glancing down only to snap back up to Sammy. “Th-thank you.”

Sammy smiled, tender. “I should be thanking you. If you weren’t so strong and brave, I would have jumped in for no reason.”

That answer thoroughly confused Amélie, but both Sister Tutty and Julie (after Sammy translated) found it… clear.

With no one else speaking up, Sammy continued. “You were down by the river so late—were you looking for petty rubies?” she asked. Amélie hesitated, then nodded, keeping her head bowed afterwards. “Was that because you wanted money?”

Amélie fiddled with the hem of the blanket, hiding behind her hands, her eyes quivering. “S-Sarah,” she mumbled, making it no further before the first tears spilled.

Sammy reached out, gently brushing those tears away. “What a good friend you are,” she whispered, voice as soothing as Sister Tutty’s divine prayer had been; although no light shone, Amélie’s tears dried up and she weakly smiled, lowering the blanket from her face.

“Sarah’s been so sad since she came here,” Amélie said, finding her stride. “She’s older than me, but she cries all night—and she doesn’t like the food. And, so, if I don’t have dinner, I feel like crying, so I wanted—”

The steam she’d built up let out, her whole body deflating.

“You wanted to buy her something tasty to eat?” Sammy asked.

Amélie nodded.

“How precious,” Sammy muttered, and then more clearly said, “I may be wrong, but I think, more than food, Sarah would like a friend right now, even if she doesn’t know it.”

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Amélie’s face scrunched up and she asked, “What does that mean?”

Sammy tittered, covering her mouth. “It means… she is scared and lonely, and she doesn’t know how to make it better. But, if you keep telling her you care for her, I am sure… she will slowly understand,” Sammy said, choosing her words carefully. “Just remember that you want her to feel better, so make sure you listen to her and don’t just do things because you think that is what you would want.”

While Amélie followed most of that with a look of concentration and gentle nodding, the last part sent her back into cute confusion. “Sister Tutty told us one should treat others as oneself wishes to be treated.”

“If Sister Tutty was right about everything, she’d have her own chapter in the bible,” Sammy said, her tone light.

Sister Tutty laughed. “Wisdom comes from listening…” she said.

“Not repeating,” Amélie said firmly.

A thoughtful silence followed, Amélie staring down at her lap as expressions flitted across her face. Eventually, she nodded to herself, then looked up at Sammy. “Okay,” she said.

Sammy didn’t quite know what that “okay” was for, but she smiled nonetheless. “I am glad to be of some more use.” (This time, Sister Tutty indulged with a small chuckle.)

Amélie smiled back, but a shyness soon pounced and so she ducked her head.

Amused, Sammy reached over and ruffled Amélie’s hair—all of it the same length, cut short to match. “How cute, just like my precious Julie,” she said; she knew Amélie heard by the rouge blooming.

With a last exchange of goodbyes, Sammy led Julie out of the infirmary and upstairs. Few others were out, but the girls’ dormitories were far from silent as they passed, hushed whispers sounding like a chatty breeze. Back at their room, they took turns to change into nightwear.

Sammy still praised and thanked herself for purchasing that nightgown for Julie. Simple cotton, undyed and with little frill, it sat loose on Julie’s frame, hiding everything with its long sleeves and hem down to the ankles. But the joy (for Sammy) were the moments where it didn’t quite hide: when Julie bent or stretched and the fabric pulled tight, when the hem rose, when she sat in such a way that the fabric showed the outline of her legs.

Above all, though, Sammy’s greatest pleasure was that Julie really had worn it every night (other than their time camping), even without prompting. The humble pleasure of a gift well-received.

Thinking back as she was, she realised it had been a while since they’d last danced. “Lia.”

Julie looked over from her pack.

“Shall we dance?” Sammy asked, holding her hand out.

It took Julie a long moment to reply, her reluctant expression clearing into a smile. “Okay.”

A small candle flickered in the room’s twilight, none of the moons particularly bright. Julie walked the few steps over and took Sammy’s hand. Only, rather than half a step apart, Sammy pulled Julie all the way into an embrace.

“S-Sammy?” Julie asked, surprised and confused.

“Tonight, I would like to show you how lovers dance,” Sammy whispered. “Would you like to learn?”

Julie fought against the instinct to flee; once that first wave had ebbed, she felt calm, comfortable in Sammy’s arms. “Yes,” she said.

Sammy smiled to herself. Slowly, she trailed her free hand down from Julie’s shoulders to the small of her back; all the while, Julie fought the urge to shiver.

“And you,” Sammy said.

It took Julie a moment to realise what that meant, another moment to gather the courage. Her fingers started on Sammy’s shoulder blade, easily feeling it through the thin fabric and soft skin, and then they slid down, and down, not knowing where to stop until she came to a strange bulge—a heartbeat later recognising it as the drawstring for an undergarment.

Sammy amused herself by wondering how far Julie would have gone if she had forgone her drawers. Rather than let Julie overwhelm herself, though, Sammy moved on to the next step.

“Now, we hold each other close and sway.”

That pulled Julie out of the pit embarrassment she was falling in, pulled her into Sammy’s rhythm, the two coming to sway in time to a cosmic beat.

Once Julie grew comfortable with it, her mind started to wonder if this was really all that different to how they’d danced before. Well, their hands had been higher up before, but they had ended up this close.

Then she realised they hadn’t really been so close before, that they were both wearing such thin clothes and that she hadn’t felt anything when her hand had trailed down Sammy’s back. And one of Sammy’s feet was between hers, reminding her of their kiss and how their lips had fit together, now feeling so much of Sammy’s legs touching hers. And they had stared into each other’s eyes when dancing before, but now they were too close, their cheeks touching.

It was as if Sammy wanted nothing between them.

Rather than the embarrassment that liked to flare up all-too-quickly and fade away, Julie felt a deeper warmth, somewhere between her stomach and abdomen. It didn’t prickle or tickle, instead reassuring her that this was what she was supposed to be doing. She was supposed to be this close to Sammy.

Gently swaying, time passed until the candle burned out, and they swayed for a little bit longer still.

Bringing an end to the beautiful moment, Sammy whispered, “I need to pee.”

Julie felt the urge to laugh, so she did. When her chuckles subsided, she said, “Okay.”

Both of their reluctance to part showed as they slowly pulled away, their gazes coming to meet. “I shall be but a moment,” Sammy said, stroking Julie’s cheek.

Only, when she turned and went to leave, she felt a tug. Glancing over her shoulder, Julie gave her such a look—eyes so tender, mouth in the most precious pout—that she felt a spike of guilt for daring to leave her precious jewel.

Julie could have asked for anything in that moment and Sammy would have gladly given it. But all she said was, “I’ll come too.”

In the night’s embrace, they snuck off to the water closet (it had even originally been a closet, a small room under a staircase); Sammy went in while Julie stood guard. As far as their relationship had come, Julie still tried not to think about what Sammy was doing and she tried to ignore the sounds. What she thought of to distract herself was that they had travelled for a month; a month seemed both too short and too long for everything that had happened.

The toilet flushed and, a few seconds later, Sammy slipped out. “Do you need to go?” she whispered.

Julie went to shake her head, but realised that, well, she wasn’t at the barracks. So used to simply going on a schedule (and being conscious of how much she drank), it was almost strange to see if she felt like going.

Eventually, she nodded.

Sammy nodded back and gestured for her to go in. “I shan’t listen,” she said.

Julie was torn between laughter and embarrassment, and she didn’t hate feeling like that, perhaps had come to like it—just a little. Despite that, Sammy’s words preyed on her and it took her longer than it should have to get going once inside.

When she finished up and left the water closet, she was relieved to see Sammy had stayed a distance away. After exchanging a smile, the two joined hands and snuck back to their room.

Though somewhat late, the cool air had left Julie feeling refreshed, thinking over their long day.

So it was that, the two of them snuggled in bed, hands joined, Julie quietly asked, “Do you think Sister Tutty and her friend were… lovers?”

The question amused Sammy, such a strange thing to ask out of nowhere. “I do not think so.”

“Really?” Julie said.

Sammy hesitated over how much to say, but decided that there was no reason to not properly answer. “If you would trust me, I have spent many years pursuing young ladies and so I am… sensitive to their inclinations,” she said, then took a breath as she prepared to carry on.

“Sorry, what?” Julie said.

Sammy let out her breath as laughter, caught off-guard. Reflecting on what she’d said, Sammy replied, “My apologies, I did phrase that poorly. What I mean to say is I often have a feeling for whether someone is queer. Things like how they look at me or other ladies, how they speak to us—to name but a couple.”

Julie mulled over what Sammy said, then said, “Okay.”

“The way she spoke of her friend…” Sammy said. “I think she loved her dearly, but love comes in as many forms as there are people we love. She is a sister, so I think it is unlikely she would mentioned her friend if it was an intimate love; and if she is queer, I think she would have noticed our relationship and put us in separate rooms.”

“But you saved Amélie,” Julie said.

“The church views our relationship as a sign of a corrupted soul; she may not say anything, but she would not let us lay together,” Sammy said, only to then show a hint of doubt. “Well, I suppose…. No, if she has been queer and in the church for so many years, I think she would be stricter on us for it.”

Julie didn’t entirely understand why that was, but took Sammy’s word for it. Going back a bit, she was intrigued by something else Sammy had said and asked, “You can tell if people are queer?”

“Well, only women, and it’s not quite as simple as queer or not,” Sammy said, speaking slowly. “One can be queer and also love men. She may like the look of other women, but dislike their affection; or like their affection, but dislike their touch.”

Julie tried to follow, but the differences between those didn’t make sense to her. “What d’you mean?”

Sammy hummed a note. “I suppose… there are women who would love to live the rest of their lives together, to make a home where they can be happy, and yet never be intimate, not even kissing. That, for them, to embrace each other is all that they need and want, and that the thought of embracing a man pains them.”

That all sounded strange to Julie, but the example did help clear up her confusion; at the least, she knew it could feel nice to be held by another woman.

“Your book is rather helpful for this, actually,” Sammy said.

“You’ve read it?” Julie asked.

“I was often told I resembled Eleanor, so I made a point of reading it,” Sammy said. “Of course, I shall refrain from spoiling anything.”

Julie shook her head (Sammy feeling the movement even though she couldn’t see it). “You can spoil it. I mean, it’s hard for me to understand because, you know, I have to focus on the words. Besides, I was always last to read the books back at the barracks and they’d talk about it, so…” Julie said, trailing off as she realised she wasn’t making much sense.

Sammy stayed quiet for a long moment. “Very well,” she said. “Eleanor… spends most of the story feeling trapped, unable to decide which of her suitors will give her the most freedom in her life. However, she reunites with her estranged friend and realises that, regardless of who she marries, she can love and be loved by her family and friends. Because of this, she waits until she finds a suitor who she wants as a husband, not just someone she can tolerate marrying.”

Julie listened intently, trying not to get caught on the fancier words.

“That is… the essence of the story as I understand it,” Sammy said softly. “A reminder to not settle for less than one deserves.”

Julie felt like some of the meaning of that was lost on her, but she understood, in Sammy’s case, “settling for less” meant marrying a man.

Sammy shook her head. “What were we even talking about?” she said.

Feeling like Sammy wanted to move on, Julie stumbled around for something to say and ended up asking, “What about Amélie?” She felt stupid as soon as she’d said it, but Sammy let out a giggle.

“She is… too young to truly say. It seems she has an attachment to this Sarah, but it could simply become a close friendship,” Sammy said.

With how that seemed to work, Julie asked, “And Chloé?”

“That is difficult,” Sammy said. “I think, if the right woman asked her, she would be willing to try.”

Julie tried to think of someone else, but Sammy had made Louise clear at the time, and she found herself reluctant to ask about Mary, unsure why. Her thoughts jumped back to the afternoon, coming to the confession by the river.

“Did you mean what you said… about running away?” Julie quietly asked.

“My, someone is chatty tonight,” Sammy said, laughter in her voice. Before Julie could say anything, Sammy continued. “I am glad; I often wonder what you are thinking, so it is pleasing to know you are thinking of me.”

Thrown from one embarrassment to the next, Julie could only squeeze Sammy’s hand to show her displeasure, though she doubted it got across her feelings.

Sammy let out a long sigh, then she spoke. “Shall we give up our adventure and live the rest of our lives here?”

Julie’s heart skipped a beat, but in the unpleasant way that felt like she suddenly had too much blood clogging it, her breath catching and thoughts scattering. However, she quickly recovered and—

“I am just making a joke in poor taste,” Sammy said. “I wouldn’t have you shoulder such a burden.”

If she had waited a moment longer, she would have heard Julie say, “Yes.” As it was, Julie swallowed that word, painful as it was.

“However, when this is all over, I would like to visit here once more,” Sammy said, almost a whisper.

“We will,” Julie said, promising that more to herself than Sammy.

With a small, content smile, Sammy closed her eyes. “Sleep well, Lia.”

“You too, Sammy.”

And they did.

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