Chapter 1: The Struggles of a Sickened Girl

Tl note: the term private account has been changed to alt account until the story tells me otherwise. It could also be anonymous but the phrase anonymous account was used in this chapter so I just gave up. 

Right now, in this lively atmosphere, is the final round of the semi-finals for the National Middle School Volleyball Tournament.

The heat wraps around all of us, causing sweat to flow continuously. The match has already gone on for five rounds. Even though we’ve only been out here for half the event thanks to the team rotations, the heat is still overwhelming. My shirt sticking to my body does not feel good at all.

Both sides have won two rounds. Right now, the score is 24 points for us, 25 points for them, meaning that losing the next point means losing the game for us. 

This is an important match that will influence the future for us third years, so we’re all incredibly tense. Everyone’s probably also tired given how long we’ve been going at it.

Maybe it’s due to the excitement along with this tension, that everyone’s roars show not a hint of exhaustion. Maybe everyone, including me, is just bluffing, but it feels like these shouts let us squeeze out the last of our strength.

“Coming up!”

“Got it!”

Marina firmly got the ball, with me bouncing it high and Yuki went in for the attack.

Even with how tired we were, that spike still came out strong! This is our chance!

But the result was opposite from what I expected, with the opponent cleanly catching it and returning a spike of their own. Thankfully, Ami was able to block it and hit it back.

The opponents suddenly froze. 

Although I thought this was finally our chance, one of them were able to keep it in the air with one hand. Although she only used one hand, the ball was still sent flying. The tallest one on their team immediately went in to spike it. 

At that moment, our eyes met. As I watched her gaping mouth, I knew she was going to aim for me. A chill ran down my spine. I could barely catch the spikes from our team’s strongest, Yuki. is it even possible for me to catch this one? I was trembling with fear. 

….No, I have to catch it. If I don’t, we lose!

I watched the girl along with the ball, and as expected it flew towards me.

I have to catch it! I have to!

I went at it with my entire body, trying to catch it. 

But before I knew it, the ball has already passed my hands and was drifting towards the ground.

My brain already knows it’s too late, but my hands still struggle frantically. I watched as the ball fell to the ground in slow motion, unable to take my eyes off it. 

As the ball bounced off the ground, the whistle blew, as if to drown out the what little noise the ball made when hitting the floor. Following that came the cheer of the crowd. 

Even so, my focus was still on the ball. Even as it was getting taken away, all I could do was keep my eyes on it.

“Huddle up!”

Hearing the coach’s shout along with the footsteps that ensued, I finally snapped away from the ball.

Within the confusion, the coach called for everyone to gather like he always does. My consciousness suddenly started to get blurry. I could tell that he’s speaking given how his mouth is moving, but I can’t make out what he’s saying.

Having said that, one thing is clear.

It’s because of my mistakes that our volleyball team lost.

Realizing this fact made me feel as if someone was squeezing my heart, trying to crush it.

Fear. 

For whatever reason, that’s what I felt. 

○

“Ruru!”

I was shaken back to reality. I turned to look at the one calling my name.

“What are you dazing off for? That’s dangerous!”

I took a closer look and found Marina staring at me, somewhat annoyed. I looked around and saw that the previously red stoplight had turned green. The people around us were quickly crossing the road while giving us weird looks.

Apparently I was so lost in my train of thought that I didn’t notice any of that.

I smiled and apologized.

“Sorry, I was just thinking about something.”

“Jeez! You gotta be careful!”

“I’ll try…. Oh yeah, what were we talking about just now?”

“Ah~ I wonder…”

“Hmmmm.”

….I really am sorry, but at the same time it feels like there’s nothing I could do about it. 

Because I’ll always be thinking back to the mistake at the tournament.

It doesn’t haunt me in my sleep, but I’ll always be reminded of it by some event or another.

It’s especially common when I’m beside people from the volleyball team. That’s a given. Everyone said they don’t mind it but no one knows what they actually think.

There’s at least one person who thought “It’s all cause of her that we lost” and hates me because of it. They may be hating me in their hearts for now, but when will the let it out on the outside? I shiver at the thought of that. Even just chatting, I can’t help but worry that the smiles I see would turn to looks of disgust and hatred.

They might even have set up a group chat to talk behind my back. Just like when they did bowling, they only invited me after Yuka accidentally spilled the beans. They might not have even been planning on… no. they definitely weren’t.

I must be sick to believe that.

I put down my bag and went straight to bed. I wasn’t carrying much, and yet my shoulders hurt like hell. Is it because I quit the team which means I’m not exercising enough? Even so, it’s not worth exercising, even if I don’t mind it. 

The moment I get home, I never feel like doing anything.

‘I feel so tired again today. I don’t have club anymore, but now I have to prepare for tests. Just how can anyone deal with all of that? I’m never joining another club again!’

Ever since the day of the tournament, I’ve been complaining on an alt account after receiving some advice from an acquaintance. It has become a routine for me to just vent there all day.

I vent there because it’s the only way for me to live in reality. 

As always, after I got home I’d open my account and air my grievances, and immediately people would echo them. There must be tons of people like me out there. This sense of community is one of the charms of alt accounts. 

Like me, everyone probably can’t vent in real life either. Even if we have someone to rant to, we can’t just complain 24/7, so it’s better to just use the internet. 

After getting ready to go to bed, I’d reply to people on my phone before putting my phone next to my pillow.

“Hah.”

I sighed.

“So tired….”

I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I feel like all the energy has been drained from me, not just from my body. Even so, I still can’t fall asleep.

Back when I was on the team, I’d fall asleep instantly because of how tired I am. When I consider that, maybe it would’ve been better to go back. 

But, I’ve decided to never join a club again, to prevent something like that from happening again. 

If I truly have to, I should choose a peaceful one without any competitions. If possible, the less times I have to attend the club, the better. But if that’s the case, is there even any point in joining one? If there isn’t something to work for behind the club, it just feels so pointless and boring…

“ugh….”

To escape from the past, I turned my phone back on and checked my alt.

There’s a lot of students like me out there on the internet, and yet there’s quite a lot of them staying up this late. I wonder if they doze off during the day. There’s always someone online, which is comforting. That would not be the case if this was a public account followed by my classmates. Then again, public accounts don’t post much in the first place.  

While I was replying to someone, I came across a comment. 

“Have you heard of needy girl syndrome?”

I’ve never heard of it but the name has a nice ring to it. 

Needy girls. 

Sounds like the name of an idol group. 

Out of curiosity, I looked at the replies under the comment. Apparently, it’s some disease that’s been spreading lately. The symptoms are a lot more horrific compared to what the name implied. But even that seems to be a baseless rumor. But then where did that name come from? It was just so surreal. I yawned. My brain felt sluggish, I couldn’t concentrate. It seems I’m finally feeling sleepy. 

I put down my phone and dug into my covers. 

The next day, after I got into the classroom, I met up with my former teammates.

“Good morning~! Whatcha talking about?”

They all immediately turned towards me, the handful of “good morning”s they responded with lacking any form of energy. I tilted my head in confusion. I looked around and saw the math sheets. For something to suck the life out of everyone…..

“Could it be that?”

I prayed that it was just a joke, but the people around me nodded. I turned pale.

“Yeah, it’s a pop quiz.”

“Mori from the class next door spotted them, so there’s no mistaking it.“

“I didn’t practise at all!”

“Nobody prepared for it, which is why we’re all dead inside right now!”

“It wouldn’t be like this if you just studied regularly!”

“If you got time to talk, you have time to teach me!”

“Huh? What do you think you’re saying to your savior?”

“P-please teach me too!”

“I beg of you!”

“Ah Jeez~”

We bickered as we asked Ami to teach us. Despite her complaints, she still decides to help us, with all of us huddled together side by side. We’d always count on her for times like this. I never expected something like this to happen before the test but after the big club events. 

Even if someone were to tell me “alright, now time to study for finals!” after the clubs were over, it would still feel unreal to me. I don’t think I’m alone on that. At least, I hope so. 

Ami’s teaching’s really easy to understand, even better than our teacher’s. It’s thanks to that that I was able to absorb the information quickly. My head started hurting during the hard parts. Although it’s not unbearable, it’s to the point where I feel like I need some sort of medication. Did I bring any medicine for headaches? I’ll check my makeup bag later.

○

As I was heading home, Yuka suddenly appeared in front of me looking confused.

“Um, Ruru, today….”

“S-sorrry, I have something I have to do today, so I have to hurry home.”

“I-I see.”

Although I was hesitant given how she was noticeably feeling down, I still decided to change my shoes. 

“….see you next time.”

I ran away without waiting for a response. Aah, I hate that side of me that’s always running away. She’s probably thinking “here we go again” while looking at me with pity. God I hate it.

Just how many times have I declined an invitation to go home together? Even so, they still continue to invite me. That makes me happy but guilty at the same time. I’m clearly the one who should be cast away because of what happened that day, so why am I avoiding them?

That’s not what I want at all. If possible, I wanted to go home with them, go to karaoke and lighten up, but I can’t do that anymore.

Of course I want to.

But whenever I’m with my former teammates, I would feel my health deteriorating for some reason. The symptoms would vary from sudden pains to dizziness. There’ve been several cases where the pain’s gotten so bad that I had to run to the nurse’s office. Before all this I’ve never been there before, but now the nurse even recognizes me.

I only found out that these symptoms only occur when I’m beside my teammates not long ago. 

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The illness started about a month ago, when I suddenly got a stomach ache on an otherwise normal day. Although the situation only got worse day by day, I still convinced myself that it was just because “the course material’s getting harder”. There was also the stress from the volleyball game. 

But a week ago, I didn’t go and meet anyone one day. Even though I spent the whole day studying, I was less tired than usual. And I don’t feel any pain anywhere. Given how the days where these symptoms don’t occur were getting less and less, I came up with the conclusion that “I wasn’t with others that day, therefore I was fine”. 

But, I thought it was just a coincidence, so I refused an invitation and my body felt fine that day. 

When I went to school and met up with the others the next day, the pain came back, stronger than ever. And thus I concluded that being with them was the cause for my pain.

Before, I was simply trying to smile and hide it, thinking that it’ll feel better as long as we’re together.

When I got home, I posted about it on my alt account.

Why do I have to be subjected to this!

I threw all my anger into a post and let it out. They barely ever invite me and when they do, I can’t even be with them. Even if I do join them for something, I’d be forced to leave due to this illness, which isn’t any different from not coming in the first place.

It might have been wrong of me to keep thinking that I’m being cut away from the group, but it was impossible to think otherwise given the circumstances.

And due to my declining condition, I can’t even handle being in class anymore. We’ve finished the textbook already, so we’re just reviewing now. The problem is that I was banking on using these review periods to cram as much as possible given how I was on the volleyball team. If I can’t study now, then I’d be in real trouble. Like hell am I gonna fail getting into high school.

The next morning, I found someone had replied.

“Isn’t that needy girl syndrome?”

I feel like I’ve seen that somewhere, but I can’t remember where. It might just be some rumor, so I ignored it. I left my bed to get ready for school as I rubbed my swollen eyes. 

When I arrived, I found my former teammates surrounding my desk. Their leader was Ami, who has a difficult expression on her face. I froze, seeing them with expressions even more serious than during the tournament. What does she want from me?

Out of fear, I immediately thought of going to the nurse’s office. But they found me and surrounded me. From the looks of it, there weren’t that many serious faces, but being surrounded by people still is stressful. 

“Why have you been avoiding us?”

She suddenly asked.

“Th-that’s because…”

“Is it something you can’t tell us?”

Even if I say it, they’ll just hate me for it, so I’m reluctant to do so. But seeing her sharp gaze, I opened up to them.

“Because I’m with you guys…. My body starts feeling unwell….”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Marina suddenly interjected and approached me. Yuka tried to calm her down but she grabbed my wrist.

“You hate us that much!?”

Before I can deny her claims, she continued.

“You may have messed up during the tournament, but given how many points we’ve already given them, it’s not just your fault!” 

She tightened her grip around my wrist. My illness was kicking in, so it feels like my wrist was being crushed. Yikes that hurts. 

“Did you think we’ll blame you for it!? That we’ll cast you away!? Don’t look down on us!”

“No! It’s not that! I don’t hate you guys! But it really hurts! Even now! So please let me go!”

I pulled my wrist away and shook her off. It feels like I broke it. Even though her grip was quite weak, it still hurts like hell. 

“Why does it hurt?”

“…..I don’t know.”

“That’s not much of an answer.”

“L….let’s just let it go. Can we continue this conversation another time? Marina might have grabbed you a bit too tight just now, Ruru. Are you hurt?”

Yuka went and hugged me as usual. And in that moment, overwhelming agony coursed all over my body. 

“Don’t touch me!”

I pushed her away, unable to bear it.

“Eh?”

Yuka looked at me in disbelief.

“Why…..?”

The bustling classroom suddenly fell silent. Everyone else was watching me in shock.

I could believe it either. This…. This wasn’t supposed to happen!!

“W-what…”

“You’re the worst.”

Marina said contemptuously. Although the others didn’t utter a word, they still looked at me with eyes that show the same thoughts behind them. However, they immediately went to Yuka out of concern. They helped her up by the shoulder and left the classroom, probably heading towards the nurse’s office. I hope she wasn’t hurt…. What happened just felt so unreal, that I shouldn’t butt in. 

And that was the start of the rift that formed between us. Over the next few days, I got used to being alone. I was worried that studying alone would draw too much attention, but I noticed that people do that all the time. As long as I have my textbook open, I look like an actual good student. I even managed to memorize some of it, which isn’t bad.

We’ll all be going our separate ways in a couple months anyways. We can easily change our inner circles in high school. Probably. At least… I hope so. But at the same time, I’m still ashamed that there wasn’t anything I can do against this illness. It would be a problem if I’m unable to find a solution before high school.  

“School was a pain again today, I wish I could just graduate already.”

I got used to being alone, but that also led to me getting more obsessed with my alt account, to the point where life has become insufferable without it.

○

Even after making it to high school, nothing changed. 

I picked a school that barely any of the people from my middle school applied for, so I don’t have to worry about the past. But the illness still procced whenever I got into contact with anyone. Although there were some who were safe to touch, that is greatly outnumbered by those who I can’t. 

Even though I know it’ll cause me harm, I still try to communicate with others. Stupid, huh.

Even so, I was desperate to find a friend at school, so I hid it as best I could. After going through many groups, I decided to settle with a group of outcasts. Today as well, I was laughing with them as we ate lunch. 

I don’t think going on like this is good for me. The thought of having to force myself to laugh with them in the future sends a chill down my spine. 

Even so, I couldn’t think of any other solution. I’ve considered being alone forever, but I don’t have the courage to do so.

“Ru-chan, are you sleepy?”

One of the girls, Aizawa-san, asked me while looking at me nervously. She probably thought that what she said was so boring that I wouldn’t even bother to reply. Well, she’s half right, but it’s not like I can tell her the truth, so let’s just pretend that I’m actually sleepy.

“A bit. I didn’t get much sleep last night.”

“That so? Was the homework too hard or something?”

“Yeah, something like that.”
“A lack of sleep’s the skin’s worst enemy, so be careful.”
She curled her hands as if they were claws and did an impression of a monster. I couldn’t help but laugh at her attempt to look scary.

“Ah, you laughed!”

For whatever reason, she smiled back gleefully. 

“Well, you were acting so childishly that I couldn’t help it.”

“How rude!”

“Well, isn’t using monsters as metaphors for scary things what kids do?”

Tanaka-san, who had been silently reading a book until now, asked, which probably means lunch is over soon. I checked the clock: we have five minutes left. Her internal clock’s as accurate as ever. It’s honestly kind of scary. 

“So rude!” 

Aizawa-san protested, but I have to agree with Tanaka-san.

Only children would be afraid of monsters. As you grow older, you find out that humans are the actual scary ones. 

“It’s almost time. Let’s go back to class.”

“You’re right. What’s the subject again? Ah, was it Japanese?”

“Huh? But it’s so boring!”

We headed back to class together. The bell rang as we sat down. After that, the teacher came in and began the class.

I pretended to listen with my head still groggy from lunch, absent-mindedly taking glances at my right hand.

 Just why is my body like this?

I sighed, more out of sadness than confusion.

Why does it have to be me? Was what happened at the tournament that big a sin? Or was it because I tried to avoid my teammates….. But if I don’t do that, then my body won’t be able to handle it, so I don’t think there’s anything I can do about it. 

But if doing that counts as a sin, then what about actual criminals who have commited murder or assault? Surely they would have had it worse… or am I getting off lightly? Had I sinned more, would I have been struck by lightning or something for approaching someone? That just seems so unbelievable….

“Alright, now for this question, let’s see….. Oh, I know, today’s the 15th, so let’s have the 15th seat number come up and answer.”

The teacher’s voice made me tremble. I let out a gasp as I realized I wasn’t called. I refocused my mind on what’s important. 

I have to focus on my own problems.

Those who have done worse than me aren’t important. 

Come to think of it, sometimes I’ll meet someone who I’ll be fine with coming in contact with. Why is that? If this was a novel, it would probably be because we have some sort of ‘bond’ or ‘connection’ or some other pretty way to describe it. But that’s definitely not the case. Because when I touched Nana-senpai who I was never acquainted with, the pain didn’t come. 

Was this illness really that “needy girl syndrome” thing?

After that reply I got, not just strangers, but even my followers started telling me that might be it. After some searching, I found that the disease had some symptoms that matched mine. But then again, the list of symptoms could be applied to basically anything, so I’m not really sure. 

I also found the account that first told me that it might be needy girl syndrome. The illness did start taking effect after I started my alt account after all, so getting rid of it’s as simple as deleting it. If I do so, I wouldn’t have to be in pain anymore.

But venting on my alt had become synonymous with breathing for me, so I can’t just bring myself to do it. 

I tried to find people who have similar symptoms as me but all I could find were articles poking fun at the topic or those seeking to help people who are in pain. 

I’ve seen others who have reported on their experiences with images to back them up but there’s always those in the comments praising them for their “special effects” so I don’t know who to believe. 

Seeing as to how even things that happen on TV have been documented to be faked or edited, I wouldn’t put it past them. But that also makes it even harder to tell who’s telling the truth.

Clatter.

“Ah.”

I was so lost in thought that my mechanical pencil dropped to the floor. The teacher who happened to be passing by my desk picked it up and handed it to me.

“Is this yours, Ruru?”

“Y-yes, thank you.”

I felt guilty for having to make the teacher grab the pencil for me, and I was dripping with sweat as he motioned for me to grab it. Because teachers also proc the illness as well which caused me to look as if I was in pain, it wouldn’t be much of a surprise if there were rumors about it. Has he not heard them? Hopefully he has. 

I trembled as I prayed that he would stop. I don’t know if it’s out of confusion or impatience but he finally put the pencil on my desk.

“Just don’t drop it again.”

“Y-yes!” 

What a good teacher!

 I should actually start paying attention!

Ruru: second year high schooler. Gets average grades no matter what she does, and she feels ashamed because of it. 

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