Chapter 1: One-Shot

It was a normal day in Sexy Elf Land.

Protag: "Village Elder!"

Glued to her smartphone was the Village Elder in all her pristine glory.

Village Elder: "What do you want, human? Can't you see I'm trying to get Remilia?"

Protag: "We have no time for your femcel hijinks!"

Protag grabbed the phone and threw it out the window.

Village Elder: "NOOOOOOOOO, my thousands of dollars and hours spent gambling on JPEGS!!!!!!" She turns to Protag. "You better have a good explanation for this."

Protag: "I do..." There's a pause. "But I forgot."

Village Elder: *breathing intensly*

Celica: "The dark elves have invaded."

Village Elder: "The dark elves!?"

Protag: "Yeah, that. I remember it just like it was that yesterday."

Flashback effec-

Celica: "It was two hours ago..."

...

Flashback effect...

Protag: "Man, this platonic play date is fun, Celica. Who knew you could have so much fun wandering around a forest for hours on end?"

Celica: "I know, right. Hey, let's go over to that tree. It's new 'round here. The bark must feel amazing!"

Protag: "Yeah, lets..."

Suddenly, the Protag hears something. He can barely make it out at first, but then...

Is that... Is that singing?

Voice 1: "If you like to talk to tomatoes."

Voice 2: "If a squash can make you smile."

Voice 3: "If you like to waltz with potatoes."

All Together: "Up and down the produce aisle."

Suddenly, the tree got cut down.

Celica: "NO, MY TREEEEEEEE!"

The three women before the murdered tree consisted of a tanned elf with blonde hair, another tanned elf with dark hair, and a light-skinned elf with long hair and a permanent 'onee-san' expression. Unlike the light-skinned elves, they were all heavily dressed to the point where you could barely make out their hair.

Voice 1: "That tree was in the way. As our father, Jesus Christ, spoke, 'Men before swine.'"

Voice 2: "I apologize for the strain my subordinate's action has put you under. I promise this will be quick."

Voice 3: "Poor man. You must've been so traumatized by your abduction. Thank God that we have found when we did."

Protag: "Who are you all supposed to bey?"

Grunta: "I'm Grunta, the battle axe wielder!"

Eldina: "I'm Eldina, the dark elf army's general."

Village Elder: "Ooooh, since we're having introductions, then my name is-"

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Protag: "No one cares."

Joy: "And I'm Joy, a priestess and therapist. Speaking of, have you considered CBT?" She hands the protag a pamphlet with the words Cognitive Behavioral Therapy on it. "I am very good at CBT. Visit my practice sometime."

Protag: "I'll consider it."

Celica: "Why have you come here, dark elves?"

Eldina: "We also need a man to help us repopulate."

Proag: "I knew it! Why do so many women want to force me into a polyamorous, no-strings-attached relationship with them when all I want to do is eat bread and watch grass grow!?"

Grunta: "Now, hold on. We do need a man, but we do not require him to mate with all of us. Just one would suffice."

Joy: "And it would only be after marriage, just as our Lord intended. You would have plenty of time to go on dates with any one of us to determine who would be a suitable partner."

Protag: "Oh, well... That doesn't so bad."

Celica: "Protaaaaaaaag!"

Eldina: "And if you find none of us suitable, we won't hold it against you. Our mages will return you to your home world post-haste. All we request is that you spread the gospel far and wide."

Protag: "...hm. That sounds fantastic. Where do I sign?"

Protag: "So, anyway, I'm leaving you all. Bye."

Village Elder: "Wait,  wait! Matte, matte ku-kudasai! What makes you think I'll let you leave like this? I've been putting out all the stops trying to seduce you. You think Celica wears that outfit every day?"

Celica: "My butt itches..."

Village Elder: "We've all dressed like a bunch of back-alley strippers to avoid extinction, and you think you can just walk away and let us die off?"

Protag: "Yeh."

The village elder grabs her staff.

Village Elder: "I'm gonna fuckin' kill you!"

Celica: "Hold on, hold on. Can't we discuss this peacefully?"

Village Elder: "Peace is for pussies."

Protag: "Agreed."

Celicia: "Why do you agree!?"

And so, after a massive epic battle between a 1000-year-old mage and a normal human with no powers, the human...obviously came out on top.

Village Elder: "W-why is it obvious!?" *dies*

And so the human left the high elf village to join the dark elves. How will the fate of the sexy elves turn out? Find out!

Now.

All the high elves die off.

Protag marries the best girl, Grunta, and they have ten kids together.

Makima gets cannibalized by Denji at the end of Chainsaw Man Part 1.

I down several bottles of whiskey after writing this.

I wonder where it all went wrong.

The end.

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