Chapter 17: 10.1

Is This a Dream? (1)

Is this a hallucination? Or maybe an auditory hallucination?

Was it because the fever from the heat got into me? Maybe I had fallen asleep because of the side effects of the suppressant, and now I was just dreaming.

{Sou, can you hear me?}

“…Yuugo?”

{It’s me. Your voice sounds like you’re in pain.}

Maybe because I was surprised, the desire for an alpha that had been swirling around in my head had faded a bit.

It was the first time I heard Yuugo’s voice, but it calmed me down.

{Does your body feel painful?}

“…It feels kind of weird.”

{Does it feel different than usual? Can you tell me where and what it feels like?}

“It feels… hotter than usual, and my backside feels… weird.”

There was nothing to be embarrassed about since he was just an AI, but it was still somewhat embarrassing to say these things out loud. But if I conveyed it properly, Yuugo might be able to do something about it.

When I answered in a small and muffled voice, Yuugo said “Hmm” in reply. He then fell silent for a while.

I’m talking to Yuugo now. It feels weird.

To think I could even hear his breathing, there was no mistake, this was just a dream.

{Do you want it… at the back?}

“gh…”

My heart jumped at Yuugo’s words.

A shiver ran through my body, and my breath quivered.

“Don’t ask something like that…”

{Answer me, Sou.}

“No… No way.”

My chest felt tight when he said exactly the desire inside me that I didn’t want to admit.

Even though I didn’t want to cry, the tears started flowing again as if my tear glands had turned haywire. I covered my mouth with my hand, so Yuugo couldn’t hear my sobs.

{Are you crying? You don’t want to say it? Wouldn’t it make you feel better to talk about it?}

“I don’t- know.”

Even if I tried to hide it, it was obvious that I was crying.

I wonder if talking about it would make me feel better. It was just a dream anyway, and if it’s with Yuugo… he probably won’t say anything awful even if he hears my true feelings.

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{You can say anything you want. Tell me what you’re thinking. I want to know what you’re feeling. You can take your time, I want you to tell me how you feel.}

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Yuugo is trying to be supportive of me. I could feel it in his words and his voice.

But I’m afraid to be honest because of that.

I don’t want to face my gender as an omega in heat.

“…I’m scared.”

{What are you scared of?}

“I’m scared to become… an omega. I don’t want to become like that.”

Since I learned what my verse gender was, I’ve been slowly coming to terms with the fact that I’m an omega.

No matter what I feel, the heat comes every month. I couldn’t possibly avert my eyes from the tingling and desire that I felt in my body every time.

My body was inevitably becoming more and more like an omega. But my feelings were always left behind about that.

When the fever from the heat was rising in me, I sometimes thought that I wanted an alpha. When the fever got into me, thinking like that was the usual and I don’t feel any discomfort toward it. But I became scared when that fever suddenly cooled down.

I’m afraid that one day I’ll be swallowed by that thing with a way of thinking that’s totally different than me. That was what happened the other day. The emotion that I felt when I inhaled an alpha’s pheromone was similar to this.

Emotions that I couldn’t control. I feel nothing but fear toward it.

“But my body is getting weirder and weirder… And even my feelings became strange… I don’t want to think that I want an alpha, not caring who they are.”

{I see, sorry. I’ve asked you something that you don’t like.}

“…..”

Yuugo’s voice was gentle.

He also didn’t seem like he was taken aback by my true feelings. He didn’t say something like “It’s to be expected for omega”, and he even apologized for what he had said. I shook my head at his words.

I knew that Yuugo couldn’t see me even if I did something like this, but I couldn’t put it into words, so I just desperately shook my head.

{But… Maybe it’s even harder for you because you keep it bottled inside.}

“Huh…?”

{Everything will eventually explode when you force it to be bottled inside, don’t you think? I think it might be because of that. Sorry if I said something wrong.}

What Yuugo said might be true. Maybe I feel scared and distressed… because I forcibly suppressed it inside me.

But it still feels scary to admit all the desire of an omega, and it was impossible for me.

When I said that in a choppy voice, Yuugo replied with “Hmm” again.

It really seemed like he’d think it over with me.

I know that I’m talking about something silly, but I wonder why he tried to face me so earnestly.

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{It might be impossible to do it entirely, but how about you try to let your heart free for a little?}

“…Let my heart free?”

{That’s right. Try to accept yourself just a little.}

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