Chapter 13: 13. Givinghead

When I awake in Kerda's bed, I'm freaking out about Katie's threat.

Three strikes and she's going to do something to me. Considering this whole universe exists in her mind, something could be anything.

Well, I'm not going to let that happen. 

I take a calming breath and try to recall the exit procedure. It was in the video they made us watch and also mentioned in the mass of forms I filled out. Getting the words straight, I say, "Abort play-through. Code rainforest." 'Rainforest' being what I selected for my personal code. In this case, it's a bit like a safe-word.

I repeat myself making sure to enunciate each word clearly, but get the same message.

I start screaming out different commands. "Exit system! Code Rainforest!" "End game! Code Rainforest!" "End simulation! Code Rainforest!" "Abort! Abort! Abort!" "Wake up!"

The last couple I don't even get Katie's BS statement about not recognizing the command.

Kerda wakes up next to me. "What are you yelling about?"

"I'm trying to get out of the game but it's not working."

She snuggles against me, "I'd prefer if you didn't leave. But have you tried the in-game help?"

I almost slap my forehead at my own stupidity. Of course. I open it and search for the topic.

Exiting the game: As a player's predefined game-time winds down they will receive system warnings at 1 day, 12 hours, 6 hour, 1 hour, 15 minutes, and 1 minute intervals, informing them of their impending extraction. At the end of their game-time, they will be gently revived in their state-of-the-art game pods and a certified Robodyne technical will assist them in disconnect their bio-suits and exiting the pod. For their own safety, it is recommended that players spend 1 full hour in the game center's lounge to re-acclimate themselves before returning to their regular lives.

It goes on a bit more with disclaimers and denials of liability. A little farther down, I find:

Exiting the game prematurely: Robodyne values your patronage and wishes to maximize your experience. As such, premature exiting of the game will not be allowed under any circumstances! This is to ensure that the player receives the full benefit of the experience they have paid for. Even if the player is not enjoying their current in-game experience, our top-of-the-line, brilliant (and sexy) AI will ensure that they will receive an overall memorable experience that will be sure to amuse both the player and the AI alike.

I cringe. Kerda senses my distress and asks what's wrong.

"That darn Katie has screwed with it. It all reads like the usual Robodyne manual jargon, but it's pretty clear she's rewritten it." I really can't imagine some tech-writer calling the AI sexy. "I don't think she's going to let us out until our time expires." I do the calculation. "Drat it! That's still about three months for me."

Kerda says, "Son-of-a-bitch!"

* * *

The bar seems different in the early morning. Thin light shines through the shutters, dispelling the atmosphere of sin and debauchery. There are few of the companions around, and the space is mostly filled with players having breakfast. I notice Dwayne sitting with a bunch of people in the corner where easy-chairs have been pulled around a small table. His companions are all large muscular sorts, making him look even smaller and more doll-like. I wave, but he doesn't return it.

When I sit down next to Astra, she asks, "So, how did it go last night? Did you relax and take advantage of the make-believe of the game world?"

Thinking of how I got another player and not an NPC like Astra had said I would, I mumble, "It wasn't all that make-believe." When she looks at me questioningly, I say in a small voice, "It was fine. Just fine. But I have some bad news. We can't leave the game."

"You were going to leave the game without saying goodbye!"

Guilt makes me look down at my hands. "Well, yeah. But... But that's not the point. The command to leave has been deleted. It's that new AI. She won't let us go. We're stuck here until the time we paid for expires."

She looks a bit distressed to hear this but pats my shoulder and says, "Okay, calm down. No point getting all worked up about things we can't fix. I admit, that is pretty fucked. I mean, I wasn't planning on exiting early, but it sucks to have to option taken away. But like I said, nothing we can do about it. So, we might as well make the best of it. Are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah. I hope so." The last part I mumble to myself.

"Well, I hope you got some rest. We have a big day ahead of us."

"Huh?"

"Our meeting with Lady Givinghead."

"What do you think it's about?"

"Sex." Then, she bursts out laughing when she sees my face. "Just kidding! Can you imagine? I'm hoping it's a job. A well paying job."

"Should we see if Dwayne wants to come?"

From her expression, I can tell she doesn't like the idea. "You can ask him, but I think he has new friends now."

I make my way over to his table. He's with a Gnome, a Pooka, and two Humans. They're all male except for one of the humans, and they're all warrior builds except for the male human, who seems to be some kind of thief. They all look dirty even though they're not. And from all the black leather and bared arms with bulging muscles, I'm put in mind of a stereotypical group of biker outlaws.

"Hey, Dwayne, do you have a second?"

The gnome says to me, "Sorry, Missy, we're not in the mood for your services right now. Maybe later."

The human woman slaps the table boisterously. "Speak for yourself, Limp-dick. I wouldn't mind her face down in my crotch as we talk."

"I... er... I don't work here."

Dwayne says, "Easy, guys. This is that noob I was telling you about."

They look at me with a sudden distaste they didn't have when they thought I was a prostitute. "The one who was completely useless in battles?" One of them says.

"Ahh... Dwayne. I just wanted to tell you I found a healer who can help with your..." He cringes,and I don't finish my sentence.

Then with a big smile, he says, "Well, that's all cleared up now, so I don't need a healer." It has definitely not cleared up. "Besides I spent all my coin here last night."

"I thought it was just 1 gold for the night."

The human woman says, "1 gold per companion. Damn! I never saw someone so anxious to sample so many dicks. She's a skank after my own heart!"

The Pooka says, grabbing at his groin, "Well, when we're on the road, she can sample mine."

"Shit. That salami is about the same size as she is. That'd be something to see."

Now it's Dwayne who's blushing fiercely. I change the subject by telling him, "Astra and I may have a lead on a job, if you're interest in joining us."

He lets out a forced laugh. "I don't think so. I told you that I was going to team up with some bad-asses able to keep up with me." He waves his hand to indicate his companions. "We're signing on to that merchant caravan. Earn some cash and kill us some bandits."

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They all hoot and raise steins of beer.

"Well, take care of yourself, Dwayne."

The human says, "Dwayne? You told us your name was Gamora."

Dwayne hastens to talk over this remark and bids me farewell with, "So long, loser. Hey, guys, I don't have any idea where she got Dwayne-shit from. The chick's not all there, you know what I mean?"

* * *

When the time comes, Astra and I head over to the Counsel House. This time, we're not given the run around, but ushered to an office large enough to contain it's own sitting room and told to wait.

After some time has passed, a woman enters. She wears a royal-blue dress, the same shade as the guard's cloaks. It's no doubt intended to be elegant, but there is something trashy about it. Perhaps it's the high slit that reaches to the top of her hip or the way there's no fabric covering her midriff on either side of a thin strand connecting top and bottom. She also wears lots of jewelry. Necklace over necklace, a pound of bracelets on each wrist, and large dangling earrings. All of it gold with brightly colored gems of red, green, and yellow. Her blonde hair is in an up-do and fastened in position with a hair-pin that could double as a stiletto. 

"Thank you for coming."

I'm not sure how to address her. Is she royalty or just a politician's wife. I'm really not clear on the customs here. But Astra stands and curtsies. I do my best to copy her, having never attempted the maneuver before.

"Aren't you two just adorable," she says smiling down at us. She's not a big woman but she's a good head taller than us. "What are your names?" We tell her. "I am Lady Givinghead as you must know already."

Astra asks, "Forgive me, but are you married to the Lord who founded this village."

She laughs. "Oh, heavens no! I'm his great-granddaughter, the current overseer of this village and humble servant to Queen Goadounn."

"Queen Go a Down?" Astra asks.

"Queen Gaudoun," the lady corrects. "Her royal highness, the most supreme regent of Fellatia."

"Fellatia?"

"Yes, this country where you are, Fellatia."

"Because of course it is," Astra mumbles.

I try and get things back on track. "It is very nice to meet you Lady Givinghead. Might I inquire why you asked as here today?"

She claps her hands softly, changing into a more business-like demeanor. "Right. I won't waste your time. I can tell you are two feisty adventurers and every moment you spend sitting around and not out risking your lives must feel like an eternity. I need you to recover something for me. A rare and valuable relic that should be part of my family's legacy but has been lost to time."

She starts to pace.

"You see, about eighty years ago, my grandmother's sister." She points to an oil portrait on the wall of a young woman in battle armor. "Went on a secret mission to win the Scepter of Ascendancy, a holy relic that would help keep these lands secure and in the graces of the gods. The Scepter had been stolen by a mighty dragon and was held in a cave at the top of Mount Whitehead. She slayed the dragon and recovered the holy object, but unfortunately she was wounded in the battle and succumbed to her injuries on the journey home."

With her back to us and staring out the window, she says, "She had picked up a fresh entourage with fresh horses at Orally, all overseen by a one of my great-grandfather's magistrates. This magistrate and his henchmen knew nothing of her mission or of the object she was carrying and not realizing what he was doing, saw to her immediate burial in the nearest royal tomb. As was the custom in those days, death being viewed as a disgrace and something to quickly cover up. It is assumed that the Scepter is buried with her."

"Why hasn't someone just gone to get it then?"

"If only it were so simple. Around this same time Fellatia was invade by the fledgling Empire of Hanjobe. We of course repelled them and cast them out of our lands—"

"No doubt. Everyone prefers Felatia to Hanjobes," Astra mutters.

"But after several years of fighting and terrible battles that saw forests burned, rivers diverted, and many, many people killed. None of those present at my grand-aunt's burial were left alive and many of the tombs were lost for good. My grandmother, the first Lady Givinghead, set a reward for it's discovery and sent scouts out for years and years, but with no luck. And there the Scepter of Ascendancy has lain hidden out of thought and deed for decades. Until last year, when some travelers showed up in town with a wild tale about a cave that led them to an underground castle filled with traps and phantoms." She turns back to us. "I believe this is my ancestor's tomb."

"I have sent off my best man and some fighters he esteemed highly to bring the Scepter back to me. They set out two moons ago, and no one has heard from them since. I believe they have failed in their quests and fallen to the dangers in the tomb."

"So, you want us to go," says Astra. "But why us and not more of your soldiers who you trust?"

"Because my soldiers as valiant but they are not adventurers. They are simple people used to defending walls and hunting beasts. They are not not versed in the murdering, thieving, and wild savagery that two adventurers such s yourselves must be."

"Geez, thanks," Astra says.

"I mean it as no insult. This are skills I greatly desire at the moment and am willing to reward you handsomely."

"How handsomely?"

"Were you to bring me the Scepter of Ascendancy, I would lay open my treasury and bestow upon you such gifts as are worthy of heroes of the realm."

This is pretty vague. But I've played enough games to know rarely do you find out the reward ahead of time. So, she's basically telling us it's a surprise and stop asking.

"May I confer with my colleague?" When the Lady nods, Astra drags me off to the other side of the room and says in a hushed voice, "Sounds like a good lead on a dungeon to me. I say we take it?"

"We're going to need more people in the party. She mentioned traps. That means a thief for sure. Not to mention a healer, and a tank at a minimum."

"I agree. And there's not a ton of players in town. We may have to hire some mercenaries." She walks back to the Lady. "We'll do it. But we need some cash up front. For expensive."

"Very well. Will 20 gold do? And I'll cover the stay of your party in The Horn for as long as your in town. Deal?"

"Deal."

She beams at us. "Wonderful! Should we seal our arrangement with the customary cunnilingus."

"Huh?" we both say.

Her smile drops. "Will one of you pleasure me to show your loyalty and fealty?"

We look at each other. I can't tell if it's shock or fear in Astra's eyes. I know the look in mine is fear.

Slowly, Astra says, "O-kay. I suppose I could do that."

The Lady puts up a hand to halt her. "No. The pale one. I hear from my spies in the brothel that she is quite proficient in this task."

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