Chapter 147: 147: The Birthday Presents

Learner’s notes, day 221: Birthday parties.

I’ve come to learn of something called peacocking from Kala, whereby a male flaunts his wealth or style in order to attract a female. She said that it’s practically expected at her birthday parties, which make them tremendously dull for her.

When asked what a Peacock was, Kala didn’t know. Strange that the etymology of so many words in modern society are shrouded in mystery. This leads me to suspect some cataclysmic event in hoot -  human – history that destroyed everything but oral histories. I would ask Seymour the History Professor, but he’s too busy plotting with Nadia et al. to stop Elliot/Calvin from destroying the world.

As if he could destroy the entire world! A fair portion of the life on it…maybe, but by all accounts, but the world itself will be fine. There’s simply too much of it.

Still, I’m not supposed to talk to Calvin about it, because then the bad man living inside him would see it coming. Big secret.

On the subject of Birthday parties. I’ve seen a handful of birthday parties for the young men – that’s the ‘human’ term for a flat hooter – in Calvin’s ‘army’.

Mostly they involve drinking poison and unprotected mating.

Which is why I was so surprised that Kala’s birthday party didn’t have any of that. Strange. Obviously I didn’t understand enough about human birthday party customs, because I and the five whores I brought to celebrate Kala’s birthday were all turned away at the gate, strangely. Even though I had an invitation.

We even brought poison. Maybe I shouldn’t have called it poison. They chased us for a while after that.

I hope I can get my deposit back.

Still, it wasn’t hard to sedate one of the older women – that’s a flabby lumpy hooter – drag her into a hedge and take her place before the rest of the group of gossiping women returned from cooling themselves off in the garden.

For prey animals, these humans have terrible senses.

***Calvin***

Is it there something in the air that makes me want to yawn? Something about the way this is all handled? Calvin thought as they wheeled in Kala’s presents, hidden behind a large white divider concealing the back half of the palace audience chamber from sight. Because we both know I could stand and watch paint dry for hours without so much as a yawn.

That was magic paint. You had a vested interest.

True.

In the last few months of preparing for Kala’s Birthday, Calvin had been doing a lot of experimenting with Alchemy, specifically Lure membranes, and getting them to read minds accurately. He’d even stopped by Uleis to Consume a whole one, adding it to his list of summons.

The idea had been this: Calvin had been searching for a way for the undifferentiated mass that Crystal Lattices created to have more than one form. While Calvin had figured out how to make a single blueprint, he’d been in the dark as to how to fluidly change between one blueprint and another based on the user’s desire.

Which is when it struck him. If reading the user’s desire was all he needed, then he could use the technique the Lure seemed to be so proficient at as the lever to switch between multiple blueprints.

It had taken weeks of trial and error, and Goob had nearly killed himself more than once, but they’d finally managed to make a working prototype a month ago, then a more polished, lovely version for Kala’s present.

Now Calvin got to see how he ranked compared to the other suitors.

“And now for the first present on our beloved princess’s birthday,” the crier said, motioning to the man behind the curtain as he read the note.

“From our own Marquis Gadsint, a handmade moonstone Ampoule, with the contents described as ‘anything you want’.

There was a smattering of halfhearted applause as they wheeled out Calvin’s present on a red cushion, a little moonstone ampoule filled with liquid, the bottom set with a yin/yang symbol surrounded by two inscribed circles. Of course it was too small for anyone to really read it.

The entire thing was actually about five feet tall and two feet wide, normally.

The treatment with Lure membrane had turned the glass from clear to a soft blue, resembling a moonstone.

Matter of fact, I didn’t call it moonstone on my card, I called it Nem-laced Glass enchanted to sustain a microscopic barrier between itself and the highly compressed polymorphic substance it contained.

And what it contained, was anything she wanted, with love, from Calvin.

Well, someone screwed the pooch on that one, Elliot said.

“Thank you very much,” Kala said, taking the ampoule off the cushion and nodding at him before setting it beside herself.

“The next present is –“

“What the Abyss?” Calvin whispered. They’re moving on to the next one already? What part of anything did they not understand?

“It’s a very pretty gift.” Dorian said, patting Calvin on the shoulder. “Did you make it yourself?”

“Well, yeah.” Calvin said with a shrug as they wheeled out a set of diamond jewelry, which Kala set beside Calvin’s little glass container.

“That’s impressive! How did you manage to keep the whole thing in one piece and still keep a liquid inside while the glass was molten? Did you learn the technique from your time in Uleis?”

“Huh? No, I just turned the whole thing upside down and sealed the control panel on the bottom on with Crystal lattice goop before I shrank it.” Calvin answered, distracted as he watched his amazing gift get buried by the mediocre jewelry, oils, perfumes and books on the table.

Matter of fact, Calvin’s present was nearly identical to the perfume from the dowager duchess, Lady Estaine.”

“Shrank it?” Dorian asked, brows furrowing.

“Looks like they decided to get the chaff out of the way early,” Tzen said, conspicuously walking by.”

“But…My presents the best.” Calvin said, frowning as he waved his hand at the barrage of glittering trinkets Kala was forced to sit through. How do these people not see that?

Tzen snorted and walked away.

“Umm…” Dorian glanced at the growing pile. The ilethan prince seemed to hesitate. “I’m sure it’s nice, and you worked hard on it, but to be brutally honest, it doesn’t look like the best present.”

“But it’s pretty and looks like moonstone,” Calvin said, shaking his head. “The proof of concept looked like a lead drinking flask a mad fisherman might use.”

They don’t grok what it represents, numbskull. You said anything, and they can’t wrap their little heads around what that means.

“Oh…Oooohhh…”

“There are a lot of other pretty things here tonight,” Dorian said, wincing as he glanced at Calvin.

“No, I get it now. People need a demonstration of my power.”

You just said that people need a demonstration of your power at a princess’s birthday party. What are you gonna do next, put everyone to sleep until Kala receives true love’s kiss?

“Why would I do that?” Calvin asked. “That seems like a tremendous waste of effort under the circumstances.”

Dorian edged away from Calvin.

“Oh, don’t worry, that had nothing to do with you.” Calvin whispered over at the Ilethan prince.

“And now, from Duke Lumentrias Bolton, ‘the Jungle Queen’.”

The audience gasped and applauded as the presenter wheeled forward a necklace made from pure Nem, with a golden chain holding the back together, studded with smaller Nem droplets hanging below the primary curved bar of Nem like a chandelier. It was beautiful to look at, the rare and expensive opalescent material flaring under the light of the room.

“This wonderful amulet recycles twenty percent of Bent used, and has been enchanted by master Nemworkers to keep the air around the user a constant, cool, seventy degrees, while keeping out insects and dust.”

There was appreciate murmuring from the envious onlookers, especially the older ladies, who appreciated the value of comfort.

Without missing a beat, Kala took the necklace in its box, gave a nod and a gracious thanks, not once revealing her loathing for the person who’d commissioned it for her.

Politics is weird.

“From our neighbor to the north, Prince Dorian Ilestar, a shipping manifest.”

Out from behind the screen was wheeled…a folded letter.

A piece of paper? Really?

Kala took the letter off the presenter’s cart and unfolded it, scanning the words before she began to read out loud.

“Miss, as enchanted gifts from Iletha have a rather poor reputation, I felt as though the Ring of Hands that was chosen as my present would not be a good ‘fit’, so I pawned it for an outgoing ship, The Bouncing Booty, which was loaded from stem to stern with raw steel from Iletha’s mountains, to do with as you wish.

The journey was long and ardous. The Bouncing Booty was dropped low in the water by the sheer weight of steel in its hold, and even a light storm caused the ship to rock up and down wildly, risking flooding. It shook so hard it nearly made us sick, but the effect was almost mesmerizing, watching the way The Booty rose and fell above the water.”

Calvin could tell by the snickering in his head that Elliot was trying not to laugh.

What is it?

Booty means something else where I’m from.

Really? Here it just means butt.

What? Then why is nobody laughing?

Bunch of prudes, probably.

Kala cracked a tiny grin as she went on to describe the motion of the ocean, causing some of the stone-faced nobles to hide their expressions behind their hands. While she spoke, Calvin nudged Dorian in the side, catching the prince’s attention.

“Why do Ilethan enchanted gifts have a bad reputation?”

“It’s a fairly discouraged, but common practice in Iletha for the one who makes the enchanted object to put in a secret back door that will allow them or anyone they tell about it to bypass many mental defences. Un-compromised magic items are actually rarer than ones that are.”

“Why would anyone buy a magic item that could let someone control you?” Calvin demanded.

Dorian shrugged. “As long as you buy it third hand at estate auctions, there’s a good chance nobody remembers or cares about the backdoor. Of course this doesn’t really apply to the rich and powerful. We just outsource our enchanted gear and rigorously test it.”

He leaned closer and whispered to Calvin.

“Kala’s great aunt got an enchanted ring rom my grandfather, and was compromised, which lead her to spying on her own people for decades before she was discovered. Her great aunt was put to death, and they’ve had a ‘thing’ about accepting magical gifts from us ever since.”

“I wonder why.” Calvin whispered back. “After that story, I think the only things I’ll trust are the ones I can build with my own two hands.”

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Calvin tapped his fingers on the prototype flask attacked to his belt.

“I felt a funny story and some raw materials would be more useful to Kala than a ring that would get locked in the vault forever. I made the story, and the raw steel can be used to help restore some of the strength of Gadvera. Much better than a ring that was never given a chance.”

“How’s the guy you traded the ring to?” Calvin asked.

“He’s experienced a sudden, inexplicable surge of patriotism.”

Calvin chuckled. This Dorian guy was funny, albeit Ilethan and the direct competition, which meant he was on the long list of people Calvin might have to kill someday.

Kala finished the short story about the adventures of The Bouncing Booty, reading the ships manifest and tonnage before folding the paper once again and setting it aside.

“Finally,” The announcer said, motioning to the curtain. On que, it dropped, revealing a custom- made stand displaying a golden cloak made of…something.

Calvin narrowed his eyes, trying to make out the ethereal golden fabric that seemed to fade in and out of existence like vapor.

“From the high prince of Boles, Tzen Chu. Silk made from the husks of evanescent beetle cocoons is among the rarest, most difficult to obtain substances in all of Boles, allowing the one who wears it to control the wind, and even fly.”

Neat. Calvin thought, nodding his head. Another stand rolled out from behind the first, this one bearing a buckler seemingly made out of kin. The bucker was round around the edges, but the inside bulged and shifted as though some living creature were squirming around inside of it.

“The buckler of Life.” The announcer said, motioning to it. “When worn, it will work as well as a typical buckler, and when the user suffers a mortal wound, that wound is transferred to the buckler. Simply bathe it in the light of a full moon to bring the buckler back to life.”

Ooh, damn, I wonder how they did that? Calvin started thinking. They probably used a skill that’s a cousin of Vodoo U, or transference, we know they exist. There’s even the Ilethan disposables who soak up assassination attempts for their V.I.P.s… but how did they put it in a shield and get it to come back to life once a month.

Dorian beside him whistled.

“Ooh, That’s almost as valuable as a Resurrection amulet.” Dorian whispered to him. “You can only use them once, but they actually bring the dead back to life. I’ve never even seen one.”

Calvin had a brief thought about Jinnei’s necklace turning to ash in Karen’s fingers.

“Yeah, me neither.”

“And finally,” The announcer said as a strange ornate box was wheeled forward. “ with prince Chu’s regards, a Companion.”

The Box’s gold pins holding it together were pulled out, and the brightly colored red wood fell downward in all four directions, revealing a Bolesian woman kneeling in the center. She wore a tight-fitting dress covered in gold embroidery, her hair pinned up in an elaborate design.

“I like the dress.” Ella said in calvin’s other ear. Somehow the carnivorous Genosian savage had managed to sneak up beside him without him noticing and was busily admiring the companion’s threads.

“You wear hides wrapped around your waist.” Calvin retorted.

“Oh, just because I’m a Genosian savage I can’t enjoy nice things? The slave’s dress is just like the one Kala got for me. I like the compression and the way it made me look.”

“Companion,” Calvin said.

Companion, slave, tomato tomahto

The announcer swallowed some spit as he read the scrip, hesitating mid-announcement.

“The, um… This bolesian Companion had been kept from seeing another face since her first Break. She has been graciously given a set of Skills that will permanently bond her to the first person she sees. She will be driven by a overwhelming need to um…please them in any way she can.”

Calvin glanced over and spotted Kala swallowing and blinking nervously.

I detect a cliché, Elliot said as Calvin moved closer to Dorian.

Way ahead of you. If something unexpected happened, like some rando crashing through the ceiling to reclaim his lost love cruelly kidnapped by Bolesian royalty for her pleasing face, Calvin was going to duck behind Dorian and use him like a human shield, because when that blindfold came off at an unexpected, dramatic moment, Calvin was not going to be standing around like an idiot.

I’ve already got enough to worry about with these three.

So when Tzen’s servant stepped up behind the beautiful woman, Calvin was ready.

“For the divine empire!” the servant screeched, presumably in Bolesian as he tore the blindfold away.

Calvin grabbed Dorian’s shoulder and hauled him in front of himself as beams of raw lightning began shooting out of the woman’s eye sockets. The lightning seemed to crawl across the ground like a hungry animal before it pounced on another person, forcing its way into the dapper gentleman’s eyes.

Oh, that wasn’t what I was thinking.

In the blink of an eye, it jumped to three more bodies, burning its way through the guest’s eyelids, then hollowing them out in a fraction of a second before leaving their smoking corpse for the next.

I have to contain it, Calvin thought, his thumb touching on the steel of his belt buckle. If steel didn’t work, he’d have to use something less conductive and hope the time it took to burn its way out was long enough for him to come up with something better.

Then the creature picked the wrong body to jump into. An older woman looking on curiously was leapt upon by the creature, and it sank its way into her eyes, releasing a bubbling hiss as it burned through the flesh.

The woman jerked a couple times, but rather than hollow out, she simply seemed confused and in pain. A fraction of a second later, the lightning beast tried to claw its way out of her eyes again, but lost traction against the air, as though something were pulling it back inside.

“Ow. Is this what they call spicy?” She asked, glancing at Kala. “Food that hurts?”

“No Learner, that isn’t…you know what, sure,” Kala said as she stood up, setting her chair upright again. “That was basically spicy food. What are you doing here, looking like that? Where’s my cousin?”

Learner burped smoke as her eyes grew back.

“She’s napping in the garden.”

“Well, at least she missed this debacle.” Kala said with a sigh as she sat back down, picking up the ampoule Calvin had made and holding it above her head. “I declare Marquis Gadsint’s present the best. If you’re wounded or need to mourn the passing of a family member, you’re welcome to go home now. This party is over.

***

“Well that was disappointing,” Calvin muttered as he filed out of the palace, shoulder-to-shoulder with Dorian as they waited for their carriages to arrive.

“Why, you won, didn’t you?” Dorian asked, frowning. “When I got her to smile, I really thought I had a chance.”

“I had this whole plan,” Calvin said as they stopped beside a carriage with Ilethan colors.

“I was gonna make a castle spring out of a drop of liquid in the courtyard, along with hundreds of manned siege towers totally surrounding the city, along with the army of Legends that I smuggled into the palace without anyone knowing any better, to demonstrate that I’m a good choice for her husband.”

“But that stupid suicide attack totally stole my thunder.” Calvin muttered, pulling out his prototype flask and pouring it out on the ground. He should probably let the guys out if the day was a bust. They didn’t experience time while they were goop, but that was no excuse to keep them overnight.

The clear liquid exploded outward in the blink of an eye, without any noise or disturbance, simply conjuring the shapes that had been saved inside the flask.

A smattering of startled cries went out as the liquid congealed into people, filling the entire courtyard. Calvin was greeted by the sight of two thousand corpses, still in the regalia that Calvin had made for them. They lay still on the ground, their skin pale, lips blue, eyes bulging.

What? Goob told me it was working! We did tests! Hundreds of tests!

“Baroke!” Calvin shouted, kneeling to the ground and slapping the musclebound archer on the cheek. His royal sniper couldn’t die here, to a mistake. “Are you alive!?”

Baroke’s unseeing eyes stared into the distance, his mouth hung open like it was desperately trying to take a last breath. His muscles were stiff from death. If Baroke didn’t have the Endurance to survive, all the rest of the men were surely dead as well.

No. this is horrible. Gods, I’ve killed all my friends. All my men. With my own hubris, trying to impress people I care nothing for.

“Gotcha!” Baroke shouted into Calvin’s face before breaking into guffaws.

Nevermind.

Calvin punched the man in his nigh indestructible face before climbing back to his feet, watching the First Mujenan stand up, wiping makeup off their faces and laughing, rubbernecking at the glory that was the palace.

“Alright, let loose the signal for the towers!” Baroke shouted.

“Wait-”

One of the archers fired a white hot arrow into the sky before Calvin was able to stop them, and the next thing that happened was the city was surrounded by siege towers pressed up against the wall, rendering it temporarily useless, as anyone who wanted could enter the city now by simply using the towers.

Far in the distance, a massive castle came into being at the edge of the forest, complete with looming gothic architecture and swirling clouds surrounding it.

Calvin dragged his palm down his face as alarm bells began to ring throughout the city.

“Did we miss the timing?” Baroke asked hesitantly.

“Yeah, now they just think they’re under attack.”

“Well,” Dorian said, clapping him on the shoulder. “We thought it was impressive.”

“We?” Calvin asked, glancing over his shoulder.

Standing at the stairs and up on the balcony above, every resident of the palace had come outside to gawk at the distant castle with the ominous lighting and swirling clouds, including Kala and her parents.

“Right, everyone! I am just demonstrating what Kala’s present can do!” Calvin shouted to the crowd, pointing at his own flask. “You’re totally not under attack. While I probably could kill all of you and take the city for myself, this is simply a demonstration of how to use Kala’s Ampoule. Just picture a tower, wall, castle, or army, tear off the lid and start dropping where you want it. Easy as pie! You can even use it to duplicate objects if you change the settings on the bottom of the bottle! I don’t suggest using the freestyle setting, because it tends to end poorly without a lot of practice and focus!”

Calvin took another deep breath, scanning the panicky nobles watching him with trepidation.

“Once again, to reiterate. Stay calm. Everything is under control. This is a demonstration, not a coup, as much as it might look like one!”

“Sir!”Goob shouted, running up the road, his curly mop of hair catching the wind behind him. “The girlfriend/sandwich monster has escaped from captivity and I’m sure it’s hunting me down to finish the job!”

Calvin held his fingers to his temple and rubbed. This was going much more poorly than he’d hoped.

“Can I marry your daughter?” Calvin shouted, turning up to look at the Hash’maje up on the balcony. “My army of Legends and I would be really disappointed if you said no.”

The Hash’maje tapped his fingers on the railing, looking at Calvin and the scenery around the city, chewing on his lip as he debated internally.

“Fine.” The Hash’maje called over clanging sound of the alarm bells. “But first, clean up this mess.”

Macronomicon

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