Chapter 176: 176: Pity Outing

“Shhhit.” Calvin said, peeling back the corpse’s dirt-covered lips, revealing a hollow where Carem’s canine used to be.

“Any chance you knocked this out when you were roughing him up?” Calvin asked, glancing over at Learner.

“I don’t think so,” She said with a shrug. “I probably would have noticed.”

Oh man, tell me we don’t have a body hopper. Body hoppers are the worst. Elliot grumbled.

“I think we have a body hopper.” Nadia said, standing behind Kala. “Ilethan royals do it all the time. My aunt tried to take my body when I was twelve. I kicked her in the nuts.”

Fuuuck! There was a clattering of chairs in Calvin’s ears as Elliot made a scene.

What are you so upset about?

This guy totally stole my thunder!

Calvin chuckled, standing up and glancing around, seeking some idea of where this hypothetical copy might have gone.

I’ll have to start searching for him immediately. If I turn into a massive swarm, I can cover the whole city in just a few -

Calvin felt Kala’s touch on his arm, drawing his attention to her.

“He’s gone to ground,” Kala said. “He could be out of the city or even the country by now, and even if he wasn’t we don’t know who might be. You’re not going to find him until he wants to be found. You’d be better served taking care of your business in Allast and preparing yourself for dealing with him when he tries to hurt you again.”

“That man knows royal secrets of Iletha!” Nadia exclaimed. “He’s got to be killed as soon as possible!”

“And how will you find him?” Kala asked

“He’s got puncture wounds on his head,”  Learner said, motioning along her temple.

“He knows that too, and will take every measure to conceal them or recreate them on unsuspecting victims, probably both.”

Kala frowned, looking into Calvin’s eyes. “What I’m saying is, a city wide manhunt comprehensive enough to find a body hopper performed by a single foreign wizard will unsettle the populous, endanger trade between your city and theirs, probably incite a military response, and exhaust time and effort that could have been spent more effectively.”

Calvin groaned. “Politics.”

“Politics,” Kala echoed with a hint of a smile.

“And Nadia. I don’t know precisely what secrets the man knows, but…” Kala glanced at the corpse. “I don’t think he’s the type to share them with anyone.”

“What do you see, when you look at him?” Calvin asked.

“A withered, rotted root, winding around thirty skulls.” Kala said before tearing her eyes away from the corpse.

“You don’t need to chase him. You need to prepare. On that note, I want you to spend some more time with Ella, she wouldn’t say anything, but she’s been feeling neglected lately.”

“What, are you my boss?” Calvin asked.

“Yes.”

“Oh right,” Calvin frowned. He wasn’t a wizard king yet, he was a Marquis who happened to also be a wizard, and his wife outranked him.

Not quite there yet, Calvin thought, shaking his head.

“I could take her to see the Diocese.” Calvin needed to warn the people in charge that they most likely had a body jumping madman who liked to slurp people’s brains, let them organize their own manhunt.

Kala’s lips twitched in a smile for an instant before she quelled it again.

“That would be acceptable.”

“Really? I was under the impression the Juntai and the Genosians weren’t on the best of terms.” Nadia said, frowning.

“That’s what makes it fun.”

***

“What prompted this?” Ella asked as they walked through the bustling streets, her gaze lingering on the stalls selling raw meats. The huge Genosian woman was drawing all sorts of stares as she walked through the crowd, a full head above anyone else.

“Kala prompted this.”

“So what, is this a pity outing for the second wife?” Ella asked, and while Calvin couldn’t detect any bitterness from her tone, the words carried their own venom.

“I could see how it might seem that way.” Calvin said, appreciating the way the crowd seemed to part around them as they walked. “But I was informed I was lacking, and now I want to discuss it with you. Are you happy? What can I do better? What do you want?”

“I want a pity outing,” Ella said with a mischievous grin.

Calvin glanced over at her, blinking.

“You forget I’ve got Kala keeping me company most hours of the day. If Kala said I was lonely, then she’s lying, and that means she probably has an agenda beyond our mortal minds to comprehend…Or maybe she wants more spankings for her dishonesty when we get back, I don’t know.”

Calvin’s jaw hung loose for an instant before he closed it.

“Wives can have ulterior motives?” Calvin asked, “Isn’t that against some kind of…marriage rule?”

“You’re not a very subtle person are you?” Ella said.

“I never said I was!” Calvin protested as Ella laughed, Her voice cutting through the surrounding din of the busy streets.

They came to a halt in front of the palace gates, the guards staring down at them suspiciously.

“I need to speak to the Diocese of trade. It’s important.” Calvin said.

“And who are you?” The guard asked, eyes narrowed.

“Seriously?” Calvin asked, pointing at himself. He was tired of dealing with asshole gatekeepers, and that frustration was beginning to bubble out. People should be falling out of their way to open doors for him.

“There is only one person in this entire country that looks like me. You know exactly who I am, and I swear to Kvothe, if you don’t let me in, I’ll destroy this agreement” – Calvin pulled out the trade deal – “Right here and now, costing your country tons upon tons of raw copper. I think the diocese of Trade would take offence to that.”

“Do you think he would take offence to that?” Calvin asked Ella.

“Definitely.” Ella said, nodding.

“Umm…We’ll send a runner.”

“No, you won’t send a runner, you’ll open the damn gate and get out of my way.”

There was a pregnant pause as the guards stared at him.

The door clicked open, and the guards stood out of his way.

Playboy has reached level 13! 65% Correction.

Calvin marched through the gate, not bothering to look to his sides.

“Need to get some kind of I.D. that says ‘open the damn door.’” Calvin muttered to himself before he heard a soft clink behind him.

Calvin glanced behind him and saw exactly what he thought he would.

The guards had crossed their steel tubes in front of Ella, barring her from entry.

“We’ll not allow a damn flesh eating monster into the palace.” One of the guards said, spitting to add emphasis.

Calvin considered arguing with them, threatening the trade agreement some more, or resorting to magic to replace their identities with that of the mewling infant he spotted a mother carrying down the street.

Calvin was just tired of it.

“This is on your heads then, I guess,” Calvin said, drawing the trade agreement out of his back pocket and tossing it onto the ground, grinding it into the mud as he continued on into the palace.

A few seconds later, Ella arrived behind him, carrying the trade agreement, covered in mud and slightly ripped.

“I can’t believe that worked.”

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“I’m not in a mood to fuck around,” Calvin said. “Over the course of our adventures, I’ve discovered that I detest palace gatekeepers and their ilk. My kingdom will have none of them. instead, if someone wants to see me, they’ll simply have to donate an organ.”

“That’s way more convenient.”

“Right?”

He dismissed the copy of the trade agreement in Ella’s hand and replaced it with a new one, drawing off the shrunken document tucked in his belt, resting in a scroll case made with Unqua beads.

35/46 Bent remaining

“Ah.” Ella said, handing the scroll back to Calvin.

There were many double takes and the resounding footsteps of people scrambling to stay ahead of them as they strode through the constantly humming palace.

Ella gawked at the steel halls and strange flickering lights covered by woven mats made of soft plant fibers as they walked, marveling at the strange juxtaposition of familiar and alien.

Calvin found the room they’d been in the day before, then sat down in the center of the room and waited.

This tiem it only took an hour for the Diocese to arrive.

Progress.

The manner in which he arrived left a bit to be desired. The Diocese of trade arrived flanked by a dozen men who seemed to be Veterans at the very least, with grim, scarred faces, and fantastically intricate oversized copper bracers leading to shorter, more compact railguns.

They weren’t pointed at Calvin, but the distinction was minor.

The Diocese was radiating irritation and displeasure as he sat down in front of Calvin, his scowl somewhat mollified by Ella’s presence.

“I hope you have a good reason for dragging me away on such short notice and trampling the agreement our people worked so hard to create.”

“Your gatekeepers are stupid, and they don’t know what they saw,” Calvin said, putting the document on the table in front of him, in apparent perfect condition.

“No, I needed your attention because you’ve got a serious problem, and it needs your attention immediately.”

The diocese glanced from Calvin to the trade agreement and back again, visibly relaxing.

“Go on.”

“Were you aware your city had a serial killer?” Calvin asked.

“What?”

“Your city has a serial killer. Did you know?”

“I heard of no such thing, but if there were one, that would be a matter for the Diocese of Edict.”

“Did the diocese of Edict know there was a serial killer?”

“How would I know that?” the diocese snapped. “I already told you I was unaware. And besides, why are you bringing this to me? It’s hardly a matter that affects the country as a whole.”

“Well, he’s not just a serial killer, he’s got a mutation that we think allows him to jump from body to body. He targeted members of my caravan, extracted information from them, and we think he’s going to use that information to make life difficult for both of us.”

The diocese went quiet.

“A mutation?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Do you have any evidence of this man’s existence?”

“I’ve got a bag of human teeth I found in Carem Sageva’s home,” Calvin said, tossing it onto the table between them. “I promise I didn’t bring it with me.”

The diocese gave a halfhearted smile.

“You got these from Carem Sageva?” he asked, his face incredulous.

“Believe me, I have nothing to gain financially from outing Carem as a killer. It’s going to take months to untangle the bureaucratic clusterfuck and get goods flowing smoothly. I’m doing it because it’s the right thing.”

“And where is Carem now?”

“Buried in a hole outside the city,” Calvin said. “And possibly also hiding somewhere in Allast in someone else’s body, waiting for pursuit to die down.”

“I see.” He motioned one of his guards to lean closer before whispering in the man’s ear. The guard nodded and trotted out of the room.

“I’ll inform the Diocese of Edict and the Diocese of Force,” he said, standing. “And you will give me the location of Carem Sageva’s body. If there is any sign he had a mutation, we will be much closer to taking you at your word.”

“Fair enough,” Calvin said, holding out his hand and waggling his fingers. “Map.”

A moment later one of the Juntai men put a map of the city in his hand, and Calvin marked the location of the corpse on it.

“I hope you understand that if we don’t find any sign of mutation, Juntai will visit consequences upon you.”

“Juntai is welcome to try,” Calvin said, giving his most insolent smile.

“Well, then I suppose our business here is completed.” The Diocese of trade said, glancing at Ella for the first time since he’d arrived.

“Is she another of your summons? I’d be interested in –“

“Stop right there,” Calvin said, holding up a hand to interrupt the man before he could prompt Calvin to slug him. “She’s my wife.”

“Ah…is that a no, then?”

“I think that’s fairly obvious.”

“Worth a shot. Shame. Your wife is...talented.”

“Go find your own Genosian, you horndog.” Calvin said.

“You know,” Ella said, matter of fact-ly in genosian “It is a common custom for tribe leaders to exchange the favor of their wives for the night with visiting chieftains as a gesture of accord.”

“WHAT!?” Calvin demanded, heart rising into his throat. “No.” He emphatically pointed a finger at her. “No.” “Fuck that. Fuck that.”

Ella burst out laughing.

…And she’s messing with me. Calvin thought, his skin tingling from the sudden wash of adrenalin filtering out of his system, leaving his limbs weak. She’d gotten more of a reaction than he’d care to admit.

“Excuse me,” The Diocese said, leaving the table. “I’ve got a lot of work to do, one way or another.”

The guards filed in behind him with nearly mechanical precision, leaving them alone in the room.

“Well, the Diocese are as warned as possible without scaring the shit out of them and provoking the wrong reaction.”

“I agree, so far you’ve comported yourself much better than in Uleis,” Ella glanced off to the side. “From what I’ve heard.”

Calvin rolled his eyes and laced his fingers together, glancing over at the Genosian girl sitting next to him, her body straining the leather hides wrapped around her.

“Right. So what do you want to do now?”

“Pity outing?” She asked, raising a brow.

Genosian Language has reached level 7! 35% correction.

Ah, Calvin thought to himself, realizing Kala’s hidden agenda.

There was a possibility there was a hostile mind mage in the city, and Calvin had no excuse to leave his mental defenses to chance anymore.

“I’ll take you on a pity outing,” Calvin said, turning to face her. “If you teach me some Genosian tongue twisters.”

Macronomicon

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