Chapter 1: Have to start somewhere

This will be a long story and a journey of a person struggling with an eating disorder and mental health issues. Trigger warning for obvious reasons. The story is composed of chapters that are devided into small stories. There is a poll in the end to help decide how many stories I should publish per day. I hope you'll enjoy. All coments and kudos are greately appreciated.

~~~ 1 ~~~

We sat in the pub and the boys drank their beers and ate their burgers and I simply observed them, trying not to look like I was staring. 

"Have you decided what are you having yet, Donny?" my best mate, Cai, asked.

I looked at his green eyes and black curly hair falling over his glasses. He was much shorter than me, but he was also very skinny.

I wrinkled my forehead as I found myself wishing that I was like him, sipping on the diet coke and looking through the menu, swiftly calculating the never-ending calories in the overly meaty, oily and salty foods that one could choose from: "I'm not sure yet." I said. 

I’ve already decided to make my way to the bar on my own, feeling too ashamed of ordering food while any of my friends watched. It was just too anxiety-inducing.

For the same reason, I had only ordered a drink, allowing everyone to get some food before me while I played the usual card of 'I'll think about what I want later’.

In all honesty, I would've skipped the meal altogether, but I didn't want any raised eyebrows or questions about why I wasn't eating anything while everyone else enjoyed their food.

"I'll be back in a minute." I excused myself and the squad nodded.

Slowly making my way to the bar, I opened My Fitness Pal and quickly jotted down the allocated calories for this unplanned meal. I sighed. That would put me at a high restriction and it was only lunchtime. 

I gritted my teeth. I was still struggling to find a silver lining, my perfect middle, a point where I wouldn't feel too exhausted nor would I eat too much.

Sadly, hunger pangs were getting to me more often than I dared to admit.

Finally, I came to stop before the bar and, as soon as I got the barman’s attention, I ordered: "One veggie burger, please.".

The barman nodded readily: "Any chips?".

"Yes, please." I return although I knew that I wouldn't eat any.

I paid for my meal and made my way back to the table, sitting opposite Cai who readily pushed his chips to me: "Have some." he said as if it was the simplest thing on the planet Earth.

My eyes grew wide and I caught myself, my cheeks slightly blushing when I spoke: "Nah, man. But thanks. My chips are on the way.".

"Suit yourself." he shrugged and pulled the chips back to himself.

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"So, Donny, are you going for your MSc straight after? Perhaps we could be roommates next year?" Cai’s friend, Ali, asked with his mouth full.

I stared for a moment, feeling both disgusted and jealous of the nonchalant eating habits. My eyes finally got lost in his jet black hair and same coloured stubby beard.

I finally spoke: "That's the plan.".

"What will you be studying, again?" Ali's friend, Andy, spoke up.

I met his blue eyes and he smiled at me: "Clinical psychology." I said and turned back to Ali; "And you said you are going to do computer science?".

"Jup." he said simply and got lost in another bite of his food.

"Veggie burger?" a sudden voice of the waiter startled me and I quickly lifted my hand up.

In moments, a steaming hot burger and chips sat before me. My stomach dropped in discomfort and I lifted my gaze to eye every single one of my companions at the table.

"Really?" Cai asked me, lifting his brow and stopping mid-bite.

"Nothing wrong with it." Ali said.

"That's only 'cause you're vegetarian." Cai returned; "Donny here is not a wuss." he laughed.

I wrinkled my forehead: "Nothing wrong with being a vegetarian." I eyed Ali who was, in fact, a large person; "I love veggies and you know that." I turned to Cai; "Thought to give it a go.".

"Fine, man." Cai returned, lifting his hands up in defense.

The chit-chatter continued and I found myself staring at my plate. Did I really want to eat that? I already had too much for the day. Then again, if I don't eat it, I'll just look suspicious and the last thing I want is to cause any questions. 

I should've stayed home - I sighed and picked up my burger, hesitating for another moment before I bit into it.

Tasty meat-like veggies fell onto my tongue and I freaked out. The thing was too delicious and I couldn't deal with it. What if it caused me to eat more? What if it has more calories than it is written? It was too good to be true, therefore it must be a lie!

With a heavy heart, I chewed and swallowed, chewed and swallowed, completely lost in my own little world while my friends laughed about something unknown to me. All that I could do was to hold back my tears and to hope that this wouldn't show on a scale tomorrow morning.

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