Chapter 6: 6

Oh My Love, The First.

Ha Joyoon slowly moved as he ignored the numbing pain striking his heart. The late afternoon sun gently warmed his feet. There were still nearly four hours left until the appointed time. 

“Why is that person….”

The man’s gaze, staring at the side where Ha Joyoon disappeared, moved around aimlessly. When he first spotted him in the lobby of the hospital where he stopped by to visit a sick acquaintance, he just thought it was someone who looked similar but the suspicion was not short-lived. That appearance that always caught the eyes of the passers-by at least once and the unique air that surrounded him. He didn’t want to admit it, but there really was no one who looked like him. Although the pace was slow, Seo Youngwoo’s chase after Ha Joyoon was somewhat hasty and of unease. It’s because he knew that Kang Taejung’s office was near the hospital.

 

 

Why did he come? Who was he talking to? Was he talking to hyung? All sorts of questions floated through his mind in a blue state of unease. I pretended to be okay, I pretended to be determined, but there really was no way I was going to be okay.

He had spent a long time hovering around him Kang Taejung and had witnessed his love for Ha Joyoon. Seeing those persistent and deep feelings of his, there were times when he secretly felt that he wanted to be loved by someone like that. 

Seo Youngwoo quickly shook off his thoughts to deny any further suspicions despite the lump of anxiety that was growing out of control. Even when the two met after 5 years, his feelings were taken into consideration and he was allowed to attend. The other person had been given no room and Youngwoo’s hand was held until the end. If there had been any lingering feelings for an old lover, it would not have been possible.

 

However, the unconscious hand holding the phone gradually became tense. In addition, the expression of arbitrary distortion had long since left his will.

As soon as he entered the café, Ha Joyoon’s first feeling was that of an unpleasant discomfort. The interior was neat and tidy, but it was mainly due to the psychological fear a café gave him. Therefore, when Kang Taejung set a cafe as the appointed place, he was unable to hide his sadness.  Although the location was different this time, it still didn’t change the fact that the place he had been hurt in just a few days ago was also a café.  Such a feat would’ve been impossible for Kang Taejung in the past. The other person had spent 5 years like this, but for Ha Joyoon, it was a transformation of a lover that took place in just a few days.

Forcefully swallowing the bitterness, Ha Joyoon carefully looked around. Even though it was a time when there were a lot of people around, the café itself was very quiet inside. It was not difficult to guess the reason for choosing this place, but the disappointment remained.

 

He carefully placed his hands, which had been cooled by the air conditioner, on the table and checked the time. Seven O’Clock. After a long wait, the promised time had arrived, but there was still no trace of Kang Taejung at the door of the cafe that opened now and then.

Every time he heard the sound of the door being opened, Ha Joyoon was self-sacrificing at the memories that came to his mind as he repeatedly raised and lowered his head in anticipation over and over again. In the past, it was always Kang Taejung who waited in their relationship. From small date promises to small daily appointments, sometimes for filming as an excuse, Kang Taejung has been waiting for Ha Joyoon in all the situations in which he had to go to a civil war area for most of the year. There was a time when he was genuinely angry and expressed anxiety. The moment he left for a civil war zone as soon as he got his first correspondent status and the moment he left for Syria five years ago. In all those moments, Ha Joyoon’s choice was work and photography.

“The more I think about it, the worse it gets.”

 

Ha Joyoon buried his head in the rush of shame and muttered in a melancholy voice. No matter how much he thought about it, he didn’t deserve Kang Taejung, and there was no reason for him to be chosen over the person he’s dating now. From one to ten, he could only think of things he was unable to do for him. During the time they dated, or even before that, he had never made Kang Taejung feel secure. He always grieved, missed, and was anxious. 

But… still.

Knock.

“Sorry, I’m a bit late.”

A low, soft voice echoed from the corner along with a knock on the table. When he raised his head, he looked a bit tired but he saw a man who still had his good looks along with an equally good look in his eyes. 

“It’s fine, I just got here too.”

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It’s not a big deal, but my heart aches when I think about how I don’t know something that’s a part of Kang Taejung’s daily life. Ignoring the pain, Ha Joyoon pretended to be okay and let out his words. 

“What would you like to drink? I heard all the drinks here are good. Coffee? If not, then….”

“No, it’s okay. I drank a lot in the office, so I don’t really need it.”

 

There was an unspoken pressure from the fact that it felt like he wanted to leave as soon as their business was over. Thin and long eyelashes trembled at the cold encounter. He desperately tried to make eye contact, but Kang Taejung’s gaze was always fixed on the table. It was a cold gaze from which all emotions were excluded.

“Taejung-ah” 

He quite desperately and mournfully called out.

“Look at me.”

“…….”

“At least look at me.” 

When he tried to reach out and extended his hand towards him, the other person flinched before he could do so. In response to this reaction, Ha Joyoon smiled awkwardly and lowered his hand again. Taejung-ah. The quiet call resonated. Kang Taejung slowly raised his head as a signal. Although he seemed tired, his gentle arc-drawing eyes and sharp nose still made Ha Joyoon’s heart pound. It was a face that he had missed and loved for so long. After taking a careful look at Kang Taejung, Ha Joyoon continued to talk quietly.

“Back then… I was so shocked that I couldn’t say anything.”

“…….”

“How long has it been? How do you know each other… tell me. I know I’ve done a lot of wrong to you but think of the years we’ve been together. …I didn’t even hear a word from you telling me to break up. So tell me, am I supposed to accept everything as it is?” 

It was a quiet but calm tone. Kang Taejung sighed heavily and swept his cheek as he had no confidence to face Ha Joyoon’s gaze. In order to forget his pain, the emotions he thought he had forcibly suppressed came leaking out again.

Ha Joyoon’s words were not wrong. He had to explain it to him. But he had absolutely no idea as to where he should start from and how to do it. Everything that had taken place in the last few days still hadn’t hit home. It was an honest feeling coming from the fact that he didn’t know where things got tangled up and how to undo them.

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“Yoon-ah, I.”

Slowly breaking his luck, Kang Taejung stared at the person sitting opposite him with difficulty. Although his skin tone was overall light and pale, it was not at all an awkward remark to say that he was beautiful even though he was a man. The unique languor and indifferent atmosphere that drove him crazy from the time they were lovers, or even before that, were still there. 

Those pretty and brown irises of his appeared and reappeared as he blinked. Yoon-ah, I. The words he had swallowed back into his throat continued to circulate around his heart. When you have too much to say, you realize how it feels like to be unable to say anything. Like a mute who’s unaware of how to speak, Kang Taejung repeatedly opened his mouth and closed it without saying anything.

“Youngwoo… was my junior in university. I’ve known him for a long time.”

“…….”

“I had a really difficult time… when you disappeared. It had become impossible for me to live a normal life. So much so that I had thought I was going crazy… I turned out to be a much weaker person than I thought.” 

The voice tracing moments of the past was low and sad. Ha Joyoon quietly listened to Kang Taejung’s voice.

“As time went by, I ended up getting tired first. I really was going crazy. Everyday, I cried while regretting not holding you back from going there, but nothing changed, and I didn’t hear anything from you or about you. Still, I was proud of myself for trying my best, but truth is, there was nothing I could do. I didn’t realize that I was such an incompetent person. Time was passing by in such a helpless manner and it was killing me.”

 

Seligma’s cheerful hum melted into the bossa nova melody and flowed throughout the entire cafe. The atmosphere created something like a hallucination out of the scarlet lights which were falling like stars on the Rhône River. The beautiful music that flowed out did not mix well with the anguish filled voice of the lover. It was killing me. The sobbing voice, one that was trying to console itself, made its way between the big gap the two had.

“Throughout all of it, Youngwoo was always there for me. Whenever I was alone, I really wanted to die, and I don’t know how he knew but he would always contact me or come to me every time I felt like that. At first, I ignored him and turned him away but he… he was quite persistent.” 

His tightly closed lips drew a faint arc. Even though it was a momentary action, that cold and hard expression broke down at once. And the heart of Ha Joyoon, who was watching him, also crumbled like a decaying wooden building.

You… You can smile like that now, thinking of someone else other than me. You can.

“He would come looking for me and stay till the end, he would check up on how I was getting by… He wouldn’t move despite the insults I would throw at him. No matter how hard I tried to push him away, he stayed by my side, no matter what I did, he still stayed by side… and then all of a sudden… I came to acknowledge him.”

“…….” 

“It’s been about half a year since we started dating. Youngwoo was the one who confessed first, but… it was my choice to accept it.”

“…….”

“Yoon-ah.”

The way he was called out was done as kindly as ever, but like an idiot, nothing came to his mind. Ha Joyoon was barely holding onto his dizzyingly spinning head with a thread of reason. He understood Kang Taejung’s word, but only in his head as his heart was unable to accept a single word. Oh, God. What did I just hear? Ha Joyoon rubbed his cheek roughly, letting out a scream of astonishment inside. 

“… I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying.”

He pretended to be calm, but his voice was so terribly shaky that it was difficult for him to pronounce a proper word. Kang Taejung raised his body halfway with worried eyes, at the sight of Ha Joyoon, who was visibly shaking in his eyes.

“Yoon-ah”

“So tell me what you’re going to do.” 

The voice, which had lost all the warmth, was sharp and hysterical. Stiff breathing warmed the air. Ha Joyoon hid his trembling hands under the table as he stared at his changed lover with bloodshot eyes. Kang Taejung’s expression, as if he had made up his mind, was frightening and he couldn’t bear it.

“Are you saying that you’ll keep dating that person? Even though I came back?”

“…….”

“Taejung-ah.” 

The man, who turned his head halfway, furrowed his brows painfully. Ha Joyoon was desperately looking for pieces of hope in each of Kang Taejung’s minute expressions, but as time went on, only an unknown feeling of despair was added to the volume. Just before the pain could overflow, he clenched his teeth and shook his head. It can’t be like this. Not like this.

“Yoon-ah”

 

A voice filled with an ominous undertone rang softly. An expression of solid will loomed over Kang Taejung’s face. Ha Joyoon knew that face well. When he made that face, the lover always pushed his will through silently like a warrior. And so, following his foreboding, a cruel ultimatum.

“Yoon-ah, It’s not like… I’ll meet Youngwoo when you’re not here and then throw him away when you come back… he’s not someone I can just abandon. I can’t do that.” 

It was as if a dull and rusty pushed its way through his skin. Ha Joyoon buried his face in his palms and took a deep breath. No tears came out. He was glad he didn’t look ugly. However, a tidal wave that rose from the abyss where there was not even a trace of color swept over his heart. Unbearable resentment flowed through the waves, and violent anger scratched his heart roughly. I can’t understand the slightest bit of what Kang Taejung is saying to me. In this situation, he didn’t want this kind of an answer. He asked in a quivering voice.

“Then what about me?”

“…….”

“Me.. What about our relationship?” 

“…….”

“You want us to break up? Tell me properly.”

Kang Taejung’s face hardened noticeably at the raw question thrown in a straight line without a detour. An unfiltered, irritable tone of voice urged him again.

“Please tell me.” 

He clenched his teeth and attacked the other person by speaking one letter at a time, but it was Ha Joyoon, who was hurt and bleeding. The more he spoke, the more the wounds done by that rusty blade opened up horribly, each revealing his terrible innermost thoughts and he smiled bitterly.

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