Chapter 10: 10

03-10-Rather than the fear of abandoning yourself

I think to myself, What am I doing?

I’m just going back.

The Toru Fujima of only five days ago.

Even if someone else abandons me, only I will not abandon me – Toru Fujima was supposed to be that strong.

Who is strong?

What is strength?

It’s obvious.

You mean the ability to live on your own without depending on anyone else.

So…

So Ashima makes me weak.

Kedoin and Akari, Takagi and Suzuhara.

Lydia, Cocona, the landlady, and the old man from Danbenjiri who I just left.

It was supposed to be just for a week.

In the early stages when it was difficult to live alone, I intended to use Ashima since she could synthesize.

……That’s all there was to it.

The herbs and medicinal water that Ashima prepared, the bottle of orphe obtained through alchemy and processing, and the gold obtained after all of this and more, Ashima now looks more shiny than the gold obtained after all of that and more.

I’ll tell you now.

I’ll say it again.

This is not a crush.

If this were a crush, it would be love.

Isn’t that what love is?　I’ve never been in love, but I want to stroke her head, hold her hand, devour her lips, and possess her slender body.

I want to see her, I don’t want to see her, I still want to see her…

On nights when I can’t see you, I think of you.

To be clear, it’s not like that.

Thinking about her doesn’t make my cheeks reddish, and at one time I did have an inferiority complex, but that was just because of her tits. No, boobs are not to blame. I was just a healthy boy.

But I don’t want to leave her…I admit that I think so.

Do I want to be with her? Or is it that I’m feeling lonely and my heart is aching because i’m losing contact with people?

I don’t know.

I have been Fujima Toru for fifteen years, and there was no way I could find an answer to that question.

_______

“Oh, welcome back!　Thank goodness you’re all right.”

“Welcome home, Toru.”

“Oh”

If I die of exhaustion again, I don’t know what they will say to me. I returned to the inn before I collapsed.

“Toru, i was just about to go to the beach to see how you were doing,.”

“I’m okay…”

How easily do they think I die?　What am I, a slug?

“It’s fine if you can afford it. Please make this into glass again.”

“I’m so glad you’re back. …… Wow, so much …… in such a short time.”

Ashima’s “wow” seemed to be more a protest against my recklessness than joy at having so much more material.

I’m getting used to collecting sand. I’ve learned [Dexterity LV2] and [Skill LV1] skills, which is great. I might get an A or better tomorrow.

In fact, even today, if I had wanted to, I would have caught it. But, well, it’s tough when you go all out, and I’ve learned that it’s more important to make it count. So, I went easy on it. Yes, take it easy.

“Ah, umm…Fujima-kun, umm…”

As I grabbed a towel to take a shower before taking a break, Ashima beckoned to me.

“Ah…”

I look back at that voice. …but it doesn’t last. Ashima remains fidgety and does not continue after that.

“If Ashima can’t say it, I will say it. Toru, make it a habit to check the status monolith the first time you come back from collecting.”

“Habit?”

“Yes, it is. It’s dangerous, especially when you don’t have much SP and MP. How far can you go and where is the danger? Check it every time, and be aware of it yourself.”

Self-discipline. It’s like a section chief scolding a lazy employee who takes a lot of time off. I don’t have anything to say in return, though, because the fact is that I’ve died many times.

I felt a little jaded because I felt overprotected, but Lydia had a point. I don’t want to die either. In Arcadia, where people easily die of exhaustion, self-care is certainly important.

“Toru, before we get into it. How much SP and MP do you think you have right now?”

Just before I touched the status monolith installed in the room, Lydia approached me.

How much.

Well, I’m quite tired, but I don’t feel like I’m dying.

MP, I had summoned Kobo-taro earlier, and I rested until I was full before going out to collect. Then there was that battle, and after that Kobo-taro was unsummoned when the summoning time was up.

Which means.

“I’m not sure about SP, but I’m confident about MP.”

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“Yes. Then check.”

Finally, I get permission from the Great Teacher Lydia. I touch the status monolith.

____________________

Toru Fujima

LV 1/5 ☆ number of reincarnations 0 EXP 1/7

HP 7/10 (+5) SP 1/12 MP 5/10

▼──────Unique Skills

Olympus LV1

Gain great aptitude for summoning magic.

▼────── Passive Skills

──LV3──

Collect (+1)

──LV2──

Dexterity

──LV1──

SP, skill, summon, escape, walk, carry,

Collecting Grassland, Collecting Sandy Beach, Collecting Sand

▼──────Equipment

Common walking stick ATK 1.00

Common shirt DEF0.20 HP2

Common pants DEF0.10 HP2

Common boots DEF0.10 HP1

☆ one point

Collection Gloves LV1

_______________________

_______________________

“Isn’t it completely different…”

“Ah, that? Isn’t this a lie?”

Ashima sighs, but I’m not convinced of the reason for this number.

SP is 1? “Does it mean I’m sick?”

“MP is 5…why?”

“It’s been about five minutes since Toru came back here. He must have had zero SP on the way back to this room.”

“I did it with a lot less force than I would have used if I’d used all my strength. I didn’t think my body would be able to handle it if I gave it all I had.”

“Just now, Tohru left without even taking a break.”

“That’s… that’s right.”

I sat down on the bed unsteadily with Lydia, who looked angry, by my side.

SP 1? No, no, no, I can still move.

My legs are a little wobbly, my back hurts, my head is dizzy, I’m sweating profusely, and since I just sat down, I don’t think I can get up for a while, but I can still do it. I just need to take a shower, clean myself up, take a short break, and then…

“……, Fujima-kun is…”

“……a?”

Ashima, who was still looking down, finally looked up. She looked as if he was trying to hold something back.

“Fujima-kun, why are you abandoning yourself?”

……。

…………。

………………。

Even if someone else abandons me, I’m the only one who won’t abandon me──Has Toru Fujima, who should have been so strong, already abandoned himself?

Then I understood.

I was already weak.

I didn’t want Ashima to abandon me.

I was whipping myself to abandon myself before Ashima could abandon me.

It must be.

More than the fear of my abandoning myself.

Ashima is….

What kind of expression do you have,

What kind of tone does it sound like?”What kind of mentality?

What kind of words are you going to throw my way ──

It was because I was afraid to imagine even the slightest bit of that.

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