Chapter 15: CH 15

I woke up in the early hours of the morning and couldn’t fall back to sleep, so I stared at the ceiling waiting for dawn.

“Going back again?” Piao Zheng leaned against the door frame with a disapproving look on his face.

“Eh.”

“Why?”

“I have my own reasons.” I grabbed my jacket and pulled it on, fumbling a scarf out of my suitcase along the way.

“Usually your reasons are hard to agree with.”

“Piao Zheng, you’re angry for no reason,” I laugh.

“Two hospital visits in less than five days, is that an acceptable reason?”

I raised my hand, “OK, forget I said that.”

“In other words, what I said before is null and void, right?”

“Hey Piao Zheng! You should consider changing your career, like to a lawyer?”

“No, I’m happy with my current career.”

I stopped what I was doing and sighed helplessly.

“You know, Piao Zheng, there are some things that I don’t really want others to get involved in.”

Piao Zheng grunted. “I’m honoured that I’ve been promoted to ‘other’ as you call it.”

“You know that’s not what I meant,” I said in an exasperated tone.

“Good! Then?”

“I am definitely going back.”

I watched Piao Zheng’s back as he turned away in a huff, his mind seemingly troubled with guilt and self-loathing.

The maid opened the door and I went straight up to the first floor to my room. I found it had been cleaned and the bedding had been replaced with new ones. I was wondering about this when I heard a sound of laughter coming from outside the floor-to-ceiling window to my left. The sound was coming from the direction of the pool and garden.

I moved to peek out the window and saw Jian Yulin laughing and playing with a large Satsuma dog on the artificial lawn below the balcony, while Xi Xichen was sitting on a wooden chair reading a book. The two were enjoying the rare winter sunshine.

“Huh? Sister? Sister, Sister, Sister!” Jian Yulin was the first to see me. He tilted his head and ran a few steps closer to my window only to be pounced on by the Satsuma dog from behind  before he could take any more steps.

“Ryder,” a soft, low call was all it took and the Satsuma obediently plopped back down onto the grass.

“Are you hurt?” Xichen put down his book and walked over to help Jian Yulin up, his other hand gently patting away the grass clippings now stuck to his cotton coat. Then he looked up, meeting my eyes, and after a short moment gave me a slight nod.

I frowned, genuinely confused as to what this man was thinking.

I had always the impression that Xichen was a cold and arrogant person, just like the polite and distant nature he was showing now.

Why does he always appear in front of me with a condescending posture? It’s clear that he has always been reluctant to have anything to do with me.

I remembered the first time I saw him, when Shen Qingyu picked him up from the airport to stay with the Jian household. I had gone downstairs as he came in through the entrance door, carrying a duffel bag in his hand. He had been dressed in dark, civilian clothes with the cuffs pulled up, was a little careless in his manner, looked very young, was good looking and indifferent.

I had intuitively felt that this man was not easy to get close to.

He’d only greeted my father and then gone to the guest room with the maid to rest. I had stayed standing at the stairway as he passed me.

For some time afterwards, although we lived under the same roof, we had very little contact. If I was in the study reading a book and he came in, he would nod, take what he needed and leave. Even when we ate at the same table, we seldom interacted. Occasionally, when I went downstairs for breakfast, I would see him sitting at the table reading the newspaper. His tone of voice and behaviour were just the right amount of polite and courteous, but I sensed that he didn’t want to get much closer to me. I always wondered if such people felt they were superior.

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I don’t think I’ll ever understand him in my lifetime.

I always did my best to try and avoid Xichen, but I couldn’t deny that every time I stood in front of him, I would subconsciously pay attention to his hands. I still felt afraid of what he might still do to me, because what happened six years ago was still etched into my mind. This man had given me nothing but fear and rejection – I only hoped now that he would keep his distance from me as he had done from the very beginning.

“Miss Jian, there is a gentleman outside, with the surname Ye, looking for you.” The maid said as she knocked on the door and came in.

Ye..? Ye Lin!

I shuddered inwardly. I had forgotten all about yesterday’s appointment! Turning around, I quickly ran downstairs, and there at the villa’s front door stood Ye Lin, looking at me through the thin morning mist.

“Ye Lin!” I walked over to him.

“Don’t talk to me!” His face was grim. “At least for now, I don’t want to hear you talk.”

I clenched my fist as I closed my mouth, then I stood to the side, and waited.

After a long moment Ye Lin spoke, his tone bitter.

“Jian Anjie, do you still want me?” The voice was almost pleading.

Although I was already familiar with his unpredictable personality, I was still a bit caught off guard by such an unexpected question.

He reached out and pulled me into his arms. “Do you still want me?”

I didn’t struggle, I just asked, “What’s wrong with you?”

“Can’t let go.” He buried his head in the crook of my neck. “What if I can’t let go no matter how hard I try? Then what should I do?”

I sighed. His words I understood, and wouldn’t pretend I didn’t.

“Ye Lin, what do you want me to do?”

Feeling my stiffness, he lifted his head to look at me, his gaze full of obvious pleading.

“Yelin,” I reached out and caressed that pretty cheek, “You want me to come back to you, don’t you? But Ye Lin, you know we can’t go back to the past. You are no longer the same Ye Lin who would shelter me from the rain, and I am no longer the weak and impotent Jian Anjie of old, so whatever I do, whatever you wish me to do, is no longer important.”

His brow slowly furrowed. “What do you mean?”

“Ye Lin, let go of me.” I said. Then looking past him I added, “Also, Miss Yang is here to see you.”

Yang Yali was standing across the road.

“She loves you, at least, more than I do.”

Slowly, he turned his head to meet Yang Yali’s gaze, and in those eyes, there was pain as well as hatred?

His hand gradually relaxed and then let go.

“Jian Anjie, yes, if you want to compare ruthlessness, who can compare to you! You are such a bitch, making me look bad one more time!” Ye Lin pushed me away with force, his tone cold to the bone. “I won’t come back for you, and I won’t come back to haunt you, so now, you can go back.”

I stood frozen in place for a while, then finally turned around and walked slowly towards the villa gate without looking back, forcing myself not to care about the hatred in his eyes! My limbs were numb, my body was cold, and I could almost feel every cell shaking.

This time it really was over.

It was an end to my selfishness and delusions, with clear knowledge that there would be no next time – which was why I started  shedding tears.

Tears, that was how distant the memory was.

But, shouldn’t I be glad that at least this time I remembered how I turned away?

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