Chapter 2: A Sorrowful Conclusion

"This. This is nice..."

The rain that fell all over everywhere except me. The pitter-patter of the raindrops as they fell onto my umbrella that shielded me. My only protection from the coldness of the world. My lovely savior from the sky's tears. I had ultimately decided to walk slowly and take my time on the way to school. I was already going to arrive late anyway, so I didn't find any valid reason not to. To my dismay, the sidewalk was almost filled to the brim with water. As I stride forward, the splashing of the water makes me a bit uncomfortable since it soils my shoes and jeans. I didn't really care too much though. The peacefulness of this moment was it. This was it. This right here was it.

The streets were relatively quiet and dull. There weren't many cars driving at the moment, but this wasn't a surprise considering where I lived and where I happened to be. I passed by the old candy store that me and my sister used to love going to when we were younger. The store still looked the same as it always did when I passed by it. The colorful posters of different candies on the windows, the big red sign above the building with the name of the shop, and especially how it still was in the middle of nowhere and they haven't closed down yet.

I mean, it looked the same, sure. It just had never felt the same when I tried to go back in. I remember running around inside, laughing and having fun chasing my sister while looking at all the unique and strange candy I had never seen before anywhere else. They had all types of candies coming from all sorts of different countries. Each one had different variations of flavors and different kinds of each type. It was so cool to me at the time. Things were just so simple back then. So very simple. Now it just felt like a hollow memory. A time when things were good. A time when I was happy. 

I continued with my journey, trotting forward like a robot trying to reach a pre-determined destination. My headache was fortunately not as bad as it was before, considering I had been walking for about twenty minutes and the pills had finally taken effect. Since school had started by now and I was basically ready to receive my punishment, it was more about the now than the later. At least I hoped so. I was telling myself so. I was thinking of excuses in order to buy my way out of the whole situation, but I utterly failed in most attempts at trying to lie in the past. I was not good at lying at all. I gave up quickly, pitifully laughing internally at myself.

Already as awkward as I was, I didn't speak or even interact with many people that weren't closely related to me. I didn't really take the opportunity to when I was younger due to my anxiety. Kids my age attempted to speak with me of course, but most of the time I just kind of ignored them or stared at them while thinking of what I was supposed to say. The teachers had trouble trying to communicate with me as well, which lead to poor performance in some classes due to teacher "pettiness". I didn't ever really speak when spoken to and most of the time panicked when any adult that wasn't my mother or any kid that wasn't my sister tried to do so. I eventually was sent to therapy and talked about my issues with a professional. I got better, but the impact I made on everyone already ruined my chances at anything social. All I had was my sister. I only cared about my sister.

I wouldn't say being unsocial at that specific time was bad for me. I wasn't exactly lonely, but that word has different meanings for everyone. I was doing fine by myself at that time. Learning new things was very fun for me despite the challenges I faced with the task. I had hobbies and interests like anyone else. My mother introduced me to the violin when I was eleven years old. Always fascinated with the sounds it made and especially curious about what sounds it could make that I had never heard before. I haven't touched the violin in two years.

After fifteen more minutes of walking the "trail of torment" and thinking about things, I had finally arrived at the aforementioned school. I reluctantly walked up the steps to the main entrance. After careful consideration, I deduced that my only choice was to ring the bell so I could get in. I could leave. Could. The buzzer rang and the lock on the door clicked, signifying it's opening. Closing my umbrella and shaking it off, I pulled open the door and walked inside. Heading my way towards the attendance office, I could feel my chest closing in on itself. 

Nah... not again.

My anxiety had gotten worse as I got older and more depressed. All the therapy and treatment I went through eventually amounted into nothing. It felt like my lungs were being filled with water and I couldn't even ask for help. It was painful and exhausting, making me regret even coming to school at that point. Walking in the office, I immediately headed over to the computer to sign in. I entered it all the information it needed and printed out the "tardy" slip. I took it and quietly left and headed to class. Thankfully, the attendance worker did not say anything to me. It was better that way after all. I climbed up the stairs and towards my classroom. I stood outside the door for a minute, trying to stall for a few extra seconds before the teacher saw me and ends up opening the door anyway. 

"Ah, Ramon. Finally decided to show up for class?" She said in a somewhat hurtful manner. At least to me.

I looked a bit embarrassed but I quickly regained my composure and replied. "Yeah, I thought that class could use a bit of my snoring for some background noise." It was a joke, yeah. It was all I knew how to do to in these kinds of situations. Better to be funny than be even more weird and awkward. I gave her my slip after she laughs a bit and walk over to my seat. I sat in the front due to poor vision rather than preference. I could barely see if I was any further back.

I can't really explain the feeling of what happened when I walked in. Or when I walk anywhere. I am pretty sure no one even cared that I walked in, Why the hell does it feel like everywhere I go someone is just... staring at me. Judging me for something extremely stupid or unfair. I hate this feeling. My chest tightens and I put my head down like I always do. I'll just do the work at the end of the class. Like I always do...

I end up crying a bit against my will. Not really sure how to prevent it this time. I'm really fucked if someone sees me. It'll hurt more, I tell myself. Just hide and it'll go away soon. The same words I've been telling myself for years I suppose. I'm kind of tired. I think I'll sleep here. For a bit. Just a tiny bit. An escape. I fall asleep in mere seconds and drift away into my dreams.

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