Chapter 6: 6: Elevated Emotional Epiphanies

I ran from the apartment. I ran from the people that should have been my friends. Most of all, I tried to run from my problems. I kept running as fast as I could, not paying attention to where I was going or anything around me. I knew it was a dangerous and terrible idea but I didn’t care at the moment; I just funneled all my attention into the feeling of my feet hammering pavement. I didn’t know how long it had been by the time I realized my lungs felt as if they were going to explode. As I slowed to a much more reasonable walk and took deep heaving breaths, I realized that I had subconsciously been heading toward my favorite spot to get away from everything. I looked up at the water tower in the distance as I made my way closer. It was a peaceful place. Nobody was ever around there, especially at night. By the time I regained my breath, I had reached the base. The ladder was only about 9 feet off the ground, so by climbing up on other parts of the structure I could reach it pretty easily. I started climbing, looking forward to the top where I’d get a peaceful separation from the noise of the world combined with the expansive view of the city. 

Before I knew it, I was lifting myself up the final rung. I pulled myself about a foot away and swung my legs over the side, resting my arms on the bar that might as well have been placed for this position with how perfect the height was. Looking out, I let myself just breathe in the clean air as I soaked in the blurry sights and muted sounds for a couple moments. Wait, blurry? Oh. I was crying. I guess that made sense. I couldn't even remember the last time I had cried but this seemed like a good night for it. My friends were all acting weird in one way or another. The ones I lived with were being assholes on purpose. The ones that I expected to be assholes were being nice to me. Hell, even strangers were treating me differently. Everything was backwards. I knew that it had to do with how I had been acting recently. They weren’t the only ones acting weird. At least Rachael hadn’t been acting weird. Or at least no weirder than normal. In some ways though, all that strangeness hurt less than Melissa’s ghosting me. I simply couldn’t explain it without assuming the worst. She had seemed so normal when we texted over the weekend, even being kind enough to tell me when she would be getting home. I really hoped she was ok. If something happened to her, I didn’t know how I would react. I mean, what if this spell had somehow caused some sort of blowback? I didn’t know how magic worked, but there was enough fiction in which it worked that way. And she had looked pretty pale when she was talking about the spell effects that first time. Was that magic’s fault? What if when I had fainted with Rachael, she also fainted and hit her head? What if she had been taking a walk in the woods and nobody had found her? What if wolves had —

I cut off that train of thought. I couldn’t do anything about Mel right now. Panicking about her wouldn’t help her if she was in trouble. For all I knew, she might have simply lost her phone and luck dictated that we had all missed her. It may be unlikely, but it was still a possibility worth considering. Arguably, it was a lot more likely than where my brain had been headed. Gods this whole thing was so dumb. Every time I came up here, it hit me how much trouble I could get in for being up here. After all, the only reason ‘normal’ people came to high places like this were for dark reasons. And here I was doing exactly that, even if it wasn't about myself; imagining my friend getting sent to a hospital or worse still counted as dark thoughts. I let out a hollow laugh at my train of thought. Even when I was alone in my own head, I couldn’t stop my incessant need to point out technicalities. Even with the emotion clouding my laugh, I couldn’t deny that it was cute. If I was truly honest with myself, I actually enjoyed it quite a bit. It was so much better than the rumble that I usually associated with my laugh. At least in comparison. My normal — old? — laugh was nothing like Richard’s thankfully. I don’t think I could have ever stood listening to myself if my voice was as low as his. The realization that I had always felt like that made me dissolve into laughing in earnest. I couldn't stand my normal baritone voice. I couldn't stand the process of shaving my face. I was so tired of my friends calling me bro or dude. I hated my parents always calling me their big strong son. The way my exes had always wanted me to be manly had always felt so forced. It was something I did for them because it had made them happy. The changes Melissa had forced upon me were things I had no problem with. How had I been so blind to that? How had I never thought about how stereotypical miserable manly tasks made me? I laughed even harder and let myself keep going until tears were streaming down my face and couldn’t breathe. I had to cough as I inhaled saliva while trying to gather my breath. “I’ve finally lost it. I’m going crazy. That’s it. I’m sitting atop one of the tallest structures in town and I’m cackling like a maniac…Fuck. What am I even doing?” I wheezed into the void as I got a hold on my breathing. 

I was forced to admit even the simple act of listening to the new voice coming from my mouth made me smile. I continued speaking aloud, feeling out my pitch.  “I hate being a guy. That’s why I must be enjoying this. It’s taking away all these things I hated about myself. So much for this being a punishment I guess. I mean, I guess for other people it probably would’ve been,” I sighed. “If I hate being a guy, that means I don’t want to be one, right?” I tried to puzzle my thoughts out. “So would that mean I want to be a girl? Well.” I paused as my brain tried in vain to grab the next thought it was reaching for. “I don’t really not want to be a girl? They’re so cool and gorgeous in so many different ways. They get better clothes. They get to spend time with other girls without it being seen as weird. I want all those things.” I paused again. “I…I want to be a girl.” I bit my lip as I tried to fight back a giddy laugh. “And I’m currently becoming one thanks to a certain troublemaker.” At that, a giggle bubbled past my defenses. My brain finally grasped the thought that had been just out of reach a few moments before. “Does that make me one?” I asked the world as I felt that coil in my gut that had been appearing off and on over the past few days loosen. I hadn’t even noticed how tense it had been. “Can it really be that simple?” I gnawed on my lip as if chewing on the thought. Fuck it, magic existed. Someone could write a fancy poem and change people’s bodies. Hell they could apparently even do it with a half-assed one. I squashed the last bit of my dad’s hateful voice saying people couldn’t just change their gender and grinned. Next to magic that could change the rules, gender didn’t seem too crazy to change. I grinned. 

“I’m a fucking girl!” I screamed out into the void feeling like an absolute buffoon. I giggled as the coil in my gut completely loosened and I fell into content silence. I half expected it to get interrupted by someone yelling back at me. As the moments stretched on though, I let myself just sit and enjoy the feeling of the cool night wind against my newly sensitive skin as I let the tension out of my muscles. I sat there letting my body free itself of the weight it had been carrying. It was strange. I felt as if the tension was almost a part of me with how slowly it seeped out of me. I could already tell it would take days, if not weeks, months, or even years for it to fully release. It was several minutes later when I was startled out of my post-breakdown trance by a clink of metal against metal behind me. I whirled around, looking for the source of the noise. Seeing no sign of anything that could have caused the noise, I sheepishly called out, "is anybody there? Please say no…?" I trailed off, covering my mouth as I snickered at the fact that I had actually said the latter half out loud.

After waiting just long enough that I was beginning to think it might have been a trick of the wind, I heard a voice venture forward "No?" They took that moment to also step around the bend into visibility on the other side of the platform. As they walked closer, my brain tried to gender them, but every time it tried, it simply slid off whatever I tried assigning. They had silvery shoulder-length hair despite looking roughly around my age, perhaps as many as 5 years my senior. For some reason, I got the impression that it was their natural color. They were a little taller than me but if it weren’t for the spell, I'd guess we’d have stood eye to eye. They interrupted my appraisal with an oddly melodic voice. “Sorry if I scared you. I didn't realize anybody else ever came up here. You're the first I've actually seen since I found the place 5 years ago. Oh and I promise I wasn’t spying on you, I just…kinda got trapped up here when you scared me half to death by laughing like someone who’s finally lost it?" They gave an awkward smile, "and then you started talking to yourself and the longer I didn’t move, the less I wanted to. I mean who just sits still while someone’s going through some stuff? Heck you must think I'm some sort of weirdo or something. And then you went quiet for so long, I thought maybe you had left and-” they started to ramble a bit as I watched their sea green eyes flicker around between the surroundings and me. With how earnest their tone was, I couldn’t help but give them the benefit of the doubt. The tendency to ramble when awkward was one I could understand all too well and I stifled a giggle getting to see it on someone else for a change.

I interrupted before they could get too worked up. “N-no worries, you just surprised me since I haven't seen anyone up here before either. I guess I should apologize for trapping you up here then? Oh God! I can’t believe you heard all that idiotic talking to myself I was doing.” My face felt like it was on fire and I hoped the poor lighting was enough that they couldn’t see it. “Please tell me you didn’t hear too much of it?”

“Depends what you mean by too much I suppose? I definitely heard you scream out that you’re a girl. I think everyone within a half mile probably heard that. I might have heard some sniffles too. From the few other words that made it to me, I can also gather you might have just realized you were trans?” I looked at them hesitantly and swallowed, not quite being able to voice my thoughts on the word. “Hey you ok? If I was wrong, please tell me, I don’t want to overstep. Well, more than I already have,” they chuckled awkwardly, running a hand through their lustrous hair.

"Asking me if your assumption is right isn't really overstepping. I mean, not when you've already listened to me having a mental breakdown apparently." I also chuckled awkwardly, "I guess I'm just wondering why you would think that I was trans?"

Giving me a perplexed look, they spoke slowly, "well, you did just scream out to the city that you were a girl? And cis people tend not to do that. Which implies that you thought you were a boy previously? And considering most people tend to want to live life being seen for themselves, most of us who feel that way transition so that our external self matches our internal one. Hence the term transgender and shortening to trans…"

Their oversimplified explanation made me feel a bit foolish, but it did get the point across quite well. I let my subconscious chew on the new information and how it applied to me as my mouth moved on without me, "wait you're trans? But you seem so…well I'd say normal but I can't really claim to know anybody under 50 with silver hair and even without that you got that whole mysterious air thing going on. But I mean, I was always told that trans people…" I paused. Pretty much all of my information about trans people was the bullshit my dad and his ilk spewed. And I knew that he was wrong about gay people. I knew he was wrong about a lot of his political views. Why would this be any different? On top of that, with the explanation I had gotten, the word seemed to match what I had been thinking not too long ago almost perfectly. I sighed and continued, surprised to see a patient look on the stranger's face. "I was told a bunch of bullshit from my piece of shit dad who's been proven wrong a lot since I came to school. Guess this is yet another thing. Sorry. I guess I don’t really know anything about trans people after all. And I hope it's not weird to say you look really androgynous and I can't gender you. I hope that’s not hurtful. Sorry if I use the wrong word and stuff…I'm gonna shut up now since I obviously have no fucking clue what I'm talking about” I trailed off, feeling the tension from earlier in the day returning along with a surge of anger at myself.

It was eased by a surprising amount as they delicately placed their hand on my shoulder. “Woah girl, slow down. It’s ok. You’re fine. Nobody is mad at you. Breathe.” They waited for me to comply before continuing. "Firstly, Your dad sounds like a massive piece of work. I'd be happy to ruin a few of his days if you wanted me to at some point. Whatever he said, the simple truth is trans folks are just people who were born the wrong gender. Mostly. Secondly, yes I am trans. Thirdly, I'm very glad you don't think I'm normal," they flashed a grin and I felt an answering one crawl onto my face as they continued. "If anything, hearing you say you can't figure out my gender is validating, considering that’s kinda what I’m aiming for. I guess I should properly introduce myself. Name’s Estus, I'm nonbinary and use they/them pronouns most days. I am technically simplifying since I don't want to overwhelm you but we can talk about how all over the place I am some days another time if you'd like.” They upgraded their grin to a shit-eating one as they noticed my smile. "And I'm gonna guess you’re a…Madeline?"

I made a choking noise that turned into a giggle "you are so far off it's not even funny. My name's" I stopped myself, realizing I didn't actually want to introduce myself as Nate in this situation. Estus didn’t seem like they wanted a boy's name. I couldn’t say I wanted it either, now that I was thinking about it. My mind raced as I considered what I would say next. If what Estus said was true, then I was probably trans. I had to admit that I wanted this spell to continue down the path it had started. I liked the changes to my body. I wanted to be a girl. If being a girl meant I was trans then so be it. With my mind made up I looked down at my dangling feet. Taking a deep breath, I continued in a surprisingly breathless voice with a name that had always spoken to me. "I-I think it's Sophia." Saying it aloud brought a blush to my face as I bit my lip before I could smile too hard. 

"Well then, miss I-think-it's-Sophia, it's nice to meet you. Can't say I've ever heard such a unique name but it sure will make it easy to remember you!" They threw me a Cheshire grin as I rolled my eyes at their terrible joke. Hearing them say my name, even jokingly, made me smile hard enough that I had to giggle a bit. They switched to a serious tone, and continued "I know we don't really know each other, so this is probably a weird thing to say, but I'm proud of you. Coming out is a huge and scary thing. I’m sure you’ve been struggling with a whole lot of thoughts about what others would think the past couple weeks if you’re anything like I was. Letting their definitions of you define your own and stuff like that. Hell, even without all that, I’m sure it’s been hard. Seems like you’re going through a lot tonight and yet you’re still laughing and generally seem to be in a surprisingly good mood now. I can’t say I was nearly this put together when I figured myself out.”

I gave them an appraising stare. I couldn’t remember a time I had even heard of a stranger being so kind to someone they didn’t know. I then proceeded to do what I did best and ruin the nice moment with a deadpan statement. “Well I mean, I doubt you cried, then laughed til you cried some more, and then screamed out to an entire city? Oh and technically I yelled at my friends before coming here too. So I don’t know if that really counts as put together. At least not in my book.” I stuck my tongue out at them to bring my point home. Estus blinked once. Twice. Opened their mouth as if to say something. Closed their mouth. Stared off into the distance. And broke into hysterical laughter. A moment of attempting to contain myself later, I joined them. Laughing with someone I hoped could become a friend felt good honestly. Being able to do it after having just met them felt even better in some odd way. I could feel my tension ease as we continued for way longer than what I said deserved.

As they caught their breath, Estus shook their head “Leave it to a newly minted trans girl to make fun of herself completely earnestly within an hour of coming out to herself. I don’t even know why I’m surprised.” They wiped a tear from their eye. “Ok. You’re obviously at least some level of fine if you can say something like that so straight-faced. Thank you. I think I might have needed that almost as much as you did.” I grinned, glad that I could help, even if it was just by being my normal idiot self. They pushed themselves up to their feet and offered me their hand. “That being said, I think it’s time I get back to watching over my sister. And considering it’s,” they glanced at their phone, “oh hell, almost 3 in the morning, I’m guessing you should go home? It was an absolute pleasure to meet you Sophia.”

Taking their hand, I pulled myself up and surprised myself by hugging them. “Thank you for awkwardly listening to a stranger lose their mind and helping her find it again. I can’t say I’ve met many people that would do something so kind. Especially not when they were, what did you say, nearly scared to death by the sound of them losing it?” They hugged me back after a moment and gave me a nod and a grin before lowering themselves down the ladder. Just as they got their hands on the top rung, I added on, “hey this might be too forward but could I get your number? I, um, I don’t really know anyone else who's trans and you’re a lot easier to talk to than most strangers. And way easier than talking to a bunch of strangers like groups would probably be…” They raised an eyebrow at me with a bemused smile as I trailed off.

“I see no reason why not. Any chance it can wait for us to get to the bottom of the ladder though? After all, I don’t think I’ll fall but it would be a bit awkward if you got my number moments before I died. Wouldn’t look good to the authorities at all.” I rolled my eyes at their cheeky attitude towards death, and proceeded to make my way down behind them. Upon making our way to the bottom, they offered to catch me, which I outright rejected with no sputtering or embarrassment. And certainly no blushing. After I realized I had apparently left my phone at home, they handed me their phone for me to put in my number. I sent myself a message with their name since I doubted I’d be doing much of anything past collapsing on my bed when I got back. The climb down had really brought my attention to how drained I felt. I gave them another hug before we parted ways, feeling better than I had in days.

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