Chapter 7: The Idiot Dies Again in This Freezing Season!

Kazuma, Aqua and Smaug are sitting at a table in the guild. Kazuma slams his hands on the table.

"I want money!"

"Huh? Everyone wants that, obviously!" Aqua says to Kazuma. "Anyway, you're entirely too unresourceful. You make a goddess like myself sleep in a stable every single night!"

Smaug puts her hand up. "I want to sleep in a cave or under some gold/eris."

Aqua shoves Smaug to the side. "Shut up." She looks back to Kazuma. "Aren't you ashamed of yourself? If you understand that, then give me more luxury." She stands up. "Spoil me more!"

"Do you not get why I want more money?" Kazuma asks Aqua.

"Huh?"

"Debt!" Kazuma glares at Aqua and she shrinks back. "Thanks to the debt you've racked up, most of the reward money we earn from every quest we do is deducted to repay those debts!"

"I can only eat one plate of food for every meal now!" Smaug says in anger."

"And just this morning.... Just this morning, when I awoke in the straw of the stable, my eyelashes were frozen solid! If I keep sleeping in that stable, I'm going to freeze to death for sure!"

Aqua slams her hands on the table. "I can't help it! The city may have perished in that battle with Verdia, if not for my super astounding efforts! You should exalt me more! All of you should praise me, praise me, and spoil me rotten!"

"You attention whore!" Kazuma yells at Aqua. "If your feats were that astounding, then the rewards, accolades, and debt are all yours!" He stands up. "Pay off your debts on your own."

Kazuma gets up and begins to walk away, but Aqua leaps off her sets and hugs him.

"Wait! I'm sorry! I apologize for getting carried away, so don't abandon me!"

Megumin and Darkness walk over.

"Why all the fuss so early in the morning?" Megumin asks. "Do we have some nice job lined up?"

"No, we haven't started looking for work yet." Kazuma says to Megumin. "Given the situation and all..."

The party looks to all the other adventures enjoying their rewards.

 "The reward for fighting off a leader in the Devil King's army was distributed to every adventurer who participated." She looks to Kazuma. "There's no reason for anyone to go hunting dangerous winter monsters when their coin pouches are full. I gladly welcome it, personally."

Darkness blushes and puts her arms behind her back. "S-So do I. The stronger the enemy, the better.

----

"KO-NO-SU-BA!" Morgan says.

-----

The party is over at the quest board and it's full.

"The reward is well and good, but there seriously aren't any decent quests..." Kazuma states.

Darkness points to a quest. "Kazuma, Smaug!" 

"I'm Kazuma."

"How about this? A kill quest for a pack of White Wolves. The reward is a million eris!" She blushes. "Just imagining a pack of wild beasts making a mess of me..." She moans.

"Nope."

"Kazuma, Kazuma!" Megumin says.

"Yes, I'm Kazuma."

"How about this?" Megumin points to a quest. "A kill quest for a One-Shot Bear!" She does a pose. "Now is the time for me to teach it which of us has the stronger one-shot attack with my explosion magic!"

"I want nothing to do with a monster with such a dangerous-sounding name. I bet we'd die instantly if it so much as grazed our necks."

Megumin makes disappointed sounds. 

"Kazuma, Kazuma!" Smaug yells.

"I am indeed, Kazuma."

Smaug points to a quest. "Let's kill a Cockatrice!" Smaug starts to drool. "I bet it tastes like chicken! I mean it is just a giant chicken!"

"Never!"

Kazuma looks at a quest and reads it.

"'The mobile fortress 'Destroyer' is approaching, so we are recruiting scouts to predict the route it will take.'  What is this? What's a 'Destroyer'?"

"The Destroyer is the Destroyer." Darkness says.

Smaug is looking at the floor. "Yes, this floor is made of floor."

Darkness continues. "It's a massive fortress that moves at high speed."

"It lumbers around, trampling everything." Megumin tells Kazuma. "It's oddly popular with children."

Kazuma looks back to the board and looks at all the quests. "Let's see. What's this?" He looks at a quest. "A Snow Sprite kill quest?" He looks over to the rest of the party. "Hey, what are Snow Sprites? They don't sound all that strong, based on the name, but it says the reward is 100,000 eris each."

"There are lots of Snow Sprites in the snowy plains." Megumin explains. "It's said that spring will come half a day sooner for every one you kill."

"Awesome." Smaug says as her tail sways side to side behind her.

"They're very weak monsters, so they're easily defeated, but..."

Aqua interrupts. "If we're accepting that quest, I'll go get ready!" She runs off.

"Hey, wait." Kazuma tries to stop her but she ignores him.

Darkness laughs.

"You're laughing?"

"Snow Sprites, huh?" She blushes.

Later.

The party is near a snowy forest and they're looking up to living floating snow balls. The party is wearing winter outfits. A small flame is burning on the tip of Smaug's tail.

"These are Snow Sprites?" Kazuma asks and he looks to Aqua and she's holding a net. "Hey. can't you do something about that outfit? You look like some dumb kid going cicada-catching in the middle of winter."

Aqua holds out her net. "I can catch Snow Sprites with this, and bottle them up." Aqua opens up her satchel and inside are three glass bottles. "I had the idea that if we mix them in with our drinks,  we can have ice-cold drinks whenever we want! Well? Aren't I smart?!"

Kazuma looks to Darkness. "Darkness, what happened to your armor? Are you going to be alright in that gear?"

Darkness becomes shy. "No problem. I'm a little cold, but that in itself is..." She starts to breath heavily and Smaug takes a few steps away from her.

Kill Quest

Kill the Snow Sprites!

Kazuma is chasing a Snow Sprite. "Number three, Wait!" He swings his sword and misses. "Damn! It's darting all over!"

Aqua catches a snow sprite with her net. "I caught my fourth one! Kazuma, look here!"

"I caught a bunch!"

In the background Smaug chases a Snow Sprite with her hands on fire, while screeching autistically. 

"I'm gonna get ya! I'm gonna get ya!" Smaug yells.

Smaug reaches towards the Snow Sprite but a bright light shines and Smaug looks to the side and sees Megumin casting Explosion.

"Aw, man."

Smaug gets thrown by the wind and lands in a pile of snow. After a few seconds her head pops out and she's wearing a top hat made of snow.

"This is fun." Smaug says as she shakes her head to get the snow off. "Why doesn't anyone else do this?"

"There it is!" Darkness yells.

Smaug looks towards the forest and sees fog. Smaug jumps out of the snow pile.

"Wh-What is that?!" Kazuma asks in worry.

Darkness readies her sword. "So exciting..."

"Kazuma, Smaug." Aqua says and the two look to her. "I'll tell you why adventurers don't accept Snow Sprite kill quests."

"Huh?"

"You both lived in Japan, so I'm sure you've at least heard the name in the news and weather forecasts. He's the Snow Sprites' master, and is also said to evoke the image of winter..."

Kazuma gulps and Smaug get slightly excited.

"Yes, the Winter Shogun has arrived!"

Snow flies past them as a figure walks out of the fog.

"Th-The Winter Shogun!" Darkness yells.

"One of the specially designated monsters the country has put a huge bounty on!"

The snow storm dies down.

"Huh?!" Kazuma shouts in shock.

"So cool!" Smaug yells.

Darkness blushes. "I'm sure this monster plans to use his position as shogun to have his way with me."

Smaug looks at Darkness with a "WTF" face.

Darkness continues her perverted rant. "I'll resist him, but he will likely be beyond my capabilities, and I'll be shamed..." Darkness breathes heavily.

"Stupid!" Kazuma yells at Darkness. "Everything in this good-for-nothing world, the food, and the monsters, are all absolutely stupid!"

The Shogun pulls out sword and Kazuma gets scared. Smaug claps her hands in excitement.

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The shogun rushes Darkness and swings his sword at Darkness, breaking her sword instead of hurting her.

"M-My sword!" Darkness yells in shock.

The shogun looks past Darkness and at Kazuma.

"Sprites pick up the subconscious thoughts of the people they encounter and take their form." Aqua tells Kazuma. "But the only ones strolling around outside town in winter are mostly just cheat-users who came here from Japan."

Kazuma points to the Shogun. "So this guy was brought to life by some idiot who came here from Japan, whose train of thought associated winter with the Winter Shogun?! Talk about a pain in the ass!"

Aqua grabs a jar that has Snow Sprites in it and opens the cap. "Kazuma!"

"What is it?!"

Aqua releases the Snow Sprites she held captive. "The Winter Shogun is generous. If we politely apologize, he'll overlook this!"

Aqua bows to the Shogun and Smaug looks at her weirdly. "Prostrate yourself! Prostrate yourself before him! Come on, everyone, toss your weapons aside and bow down! Apologize! You hurry up and apologize too, Kazuma! Smaug!"

Smaug puts her hand on her chin and thinks.

Kazuma looks over to Darkness. "Hey, hurry and bow your head, too!"

"There may be nobody watching, but a knight such as myself would never bow her head to a monster."

Kazuma leaps forward and pushes Darkness down.

"You try to go off with monsters willingly all the time! Don't show off your pointless pride at times like these!"

"S-Stop it! You're forcing me to bow my head when I don't want to, and shoving my face into the ground!" Darkness breathes heavily. "What a reward!"

Smaug frowns at Kazuma. "Don't do stuff like that to her! That's my job!"

"Shut up, you stupid Dragon and Bow." Kazuma yells at her.

Smaug shakes her head. "I'll never bow to some monster-!" She watches as Kazuma's head gets cut off.

Smaug slams her hands to the side of her body and slams her head into the ground. 

"I'm sorry!" Smaug yells. "This Dragon asks for forgiveness for her actions!"

The Shogun makes a noise and leaves. Smaug looks up and falls to the ground and takes a breath.

Everyone gathers around Kazuma's decapitated body. 

"I call his stuff." Smaug says and everyone just stares at her. "What?" Smaug pokes Kazuma's body with a stick. "Yup, he's dead."

Aqua slaps the stick away from her. "I got this." She says proudly and her hands glow golden as she puts them on Kazuma's chest and his head reappears.  

"Now, return to us, Kazuma! How could you get killed off so easily? It's too soon for you to die!" Aqua waits for a few seconds. "Hey, Kazuma, can you hear me? I cast recovery magic on your body, so you can come back to this side now." She seems to be listening to something.  "Huh? What goddess is spouting nonsense? hey, you! Identify yourself! Where does a goddess in charge of a backwater like this get off talking to me, an elite in charge of Japan, that way?!"

Megumin, Darkness and Smaug look to each other.

"Is she talking to herself?" Megumin asks.

Smaug shrugs her shoulders. "I think she's gone insane."

"Eris?!" Aqua yells at Kazuma's body. "The overrated Eris who's grown cocky and even became a unit of currency, just because she's worshiped a little in the established religion of this world? Hey, Kazuma. If Eris gives you any more trouble, I'll confiscate her breast pads-" Aqua stops talking.

--

"KONOSUBA!" Kazuma yells.

----

The group is looking down to Kazuma and he opens his eyes.

"Hey, you, you're finally awake." Smaug says to him.

"Sheesh, that girl's so hard-headed." Aqua says.

Darkness and Megumin hug Kazuma. "Kazuma!"

Aqua pats Kazuma's head. "Hey, come on, Kazuma. What're you blushing for? Say something!" Kazuma looks up to her. "I brought you back to life, you know. Don't you have something to say? Come on." Kazuma glares at her. "Hey, say something. Like words of gratitude, or an apology for how you've treated such a high-class goddess with such contempt all this time..."

"Goddess change!" Kazuma yells at her.

"Fine, you damn NEET!" Aqua gets up. "Why don't I send you to meet Eris right away, then?!"

Aqua throws a punch at Kazuma, but Darkness blocks it.

"N-Now, now, calm down, Aqua!"

"How do you feel?" Megumin asks Kazuma. "Do you feel strange in any way?"

Kazuma pats his head. "It looks like I'm alright for now."

Smaug then points and laughs at Kazuma. "HAHA, you died!"

Kazuma glares at her. "Shut up!" Kazuma looks to Megumin. "How did I die anyway?"

"You were beheaded by the Winter Shogun.
 Aqua tells him. "It was quite a splendid slice."

"B-Beheaded?!" He looks to the side and sees some bloody snow.

Smaug then puts a hand on her chin. "I wonder what you would have tasted like?"

Kazuma is shocked. "Why would you say that?" Smaug just shrugs her shoulders.

Kill Quest

Kill the Snow Sprites

RETIRED

---

"Konosuba!" Aqua says.

---

The party is at the guild and Aqua pulls out a jar with a Snow Sprite in it. "Ta-da!"

"A Snow Sprite?" Megumin asks. "I didn't only prostrate myself. I pretended to set them all free, but I saved just one. I guess even the Winter Shogun couldn't see through my convincing performance!"

"Way to go, Aqua!" Kazuma says. "Alright, hand it over and I'll kill it."

"What?! No!" Aqua hides the jar. "I'm going to take this one home and make it a refrigerator!"

"The reward for killing those is 100,000 each!"

"No! Not this one!" Aqua jumps away from Kazuma and knees down on the floor and covers the jar with her body. "I've already given it a name! I won't let you kill it! Don't! Don't!"

Smaug facepalms.

"Let her be, Kazuma." Darkness says to Kazuma.

"Oh, fine."

Aqua brings the jar out and smiles at the Snow Sprite. "I'll raise it with care, and when summer comes, I'll have it make lots of ice. Then we'll open a snow cone shop! We'll sleep together on hot, restless nights." She looks to the party. "Hey, what does this little one eat?" 

"Do Snow Sprites eat anything to begin with?" Megumin asks.

"They look so fluffy and soft." Darkness says. "I bet if you put some sugar on it and took a bite, it'd actually be really tasty. "

Aqua hugs the jar close to her body. "I-I won't let you eat it!"

"I'm really hungry." Smaug says.

Aqua stands up. "Let's order something!" Aqua grabs a menu. "I wonder what I should choose."

"Something with meat!" Smaug says and she drools.

A few minutes later a bunch of food is set on the table. Kazuma is still day dreaming.

"Kazuma, aren't you going to eat?" Aqua asks him.

Kazuma looks at all the food and is shocked. "Hey, how much did you guys order?!"

Smaug sticks an entire ham in her mouth.

"Once you become as great a magician as I am, you require great sacrifices in order to function." Megumin says as she stuffs food in her mouth.

"What's with you?" Aqua asks Kazuma.

"What is it?!"

"I brought you back to life today, Kazuma!"

"Huh?"

"There's nothing wrong with a reward of this size, is there? I put a little of the reward from the quest into it, too!"

"That money was to get us through the winter!"

"What's the problem?" Darkness asks.

"What?!"

"If we run out of money, we can just accept another quest. What sort of monster would be good next? Maybe one that secretes a lot of slime, or one with repulsive tentacles?"

Smaug stops eating and day dreams and then a blush forms on her face. "NO!" She shouts. "No tentacles!"

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06-26-2022

2637 words

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