Chapter 11: Ch. 11

     Jens goes over to the studio the next day as Kei asked. He lets himself in, pausing in the main room. He’s amazed by all the different drawings of himself. Some of the faces he sees, he didn’t know he was capable of making. They all lack a certain level of detail since they were done from memory, but Jens’ heart races seeing just how closely Kei looks at him. Some are nudes he never posed for, others he's dressed in clothes he’s never worn before. The attention and interest that coats each page makes his stomach feel like it’s on fire. Just how clearly does he see me to be able to do all this. Every time I’m here, there’s more ‘mes’ than there were last time. He walks around the desk, sliding a few of the sketches aside. He blushes seeing one of himself on his back. He quickly covers it with a more tame image. He’s seen me in a way no one ever has, that’s for sure. He slides the offending sketch back into view, risking the humiliation of staring at it again. In the image, his face is the most in-focus part. The rest of his body, while detailed, seems hazy. But his face, the expression he has never seen on himself before, it’s clear as day. He scans every inch, trying to force his mind to accept that this is him. That this is what Kei saw that night. That this look of desperation, and need, is how Kei knows him.  Jens has a hard time believing he’s capable of looking so small, so vulnerable. He slides another photo out. His face is fully red now. He stares down at a messy water color of what he can only assume is his o-face. He covers his eyes with his hand. Oh my god. I’m never making that face again. Oh god. I didn’t think it would be so awful seeing yourself like this but…uhg. He places all the papers back and stares at the few that have expressions he is aware of. He looks at the sheer amount of work Kei has done using him as the subject. To think he doesn't get sick of staring at me…even I’m tired of looking at me.

    Since the incident with Raya, Kei has allowed himself to paint and sketch Jens as much as he desires. His forcing himself to control the urge to illustrate Jens was killing him inside. For weeks he tried to force himself to forget Jens’ face, but based on how much he’s accomplished since allowing himself to illustrate his muse again, it’s clear that mental training didn’t help. He could have gotten through an entire sketchpad if it weren’t for the fact that he has to eat and sleep, not that he's done much of that in the last 36 or so hours. His stomach has felt more at ease since their talk last night, and his being able to accept that he only wants to paint Jens.  Kei walks in and sees Jens looking at the sketches. He turns away blushing, knowing he has some indecent pieces in the mix. “Um I have a concept in mind. So- just sit comfortably and hold this” Kei hands Jens a rose. Jens sits and looks up at him “I don’t need to change?” Kei glances him over, rather liking Jens’ style, he never has much to complain about. “No. how you are is fine” Jens is in an over sized knit sweater, dark pants and leather boots. The cuts suit him. His long legs compliment the high-laced ankles of the boots, his broad shoulders look relaxed in the loose neck of the sweater, even the thin chain around his neck, disappearing into the collar is a beautiful detail to Kei.

     He still tried to look good to meet Kei. Even if he is now the one responsible for controlling their very obvious attraction towards eachother, he still wants Kei to think he’s good looking. Jens sits down and quietly watches Kei start.  The silence makes Kei overly aware of the sound of his own movements. “Do you want music?” Jens relaxes onto the stool more, twisting the rose’s stem in his long fingers. “Whatever’s best for you.” Kei blushes again. He’s not sure why he feels so nervous today. Maybe because he doesn't have to keep such a guarded mindset? Maybe because Jens is growing on him more than he’d like to admit? Maybe it was just having Jens here doing exactly what he promised, knowing he can trust Jens to be the one controlling the interactions. Jens watches Kei’s movements He seems shy today, I want to tease him. But I promised. Kei sighs “It’s a little quiet, maybe music is good” he turns on some ambient music. Jens watches him. “What should I do with my face? Just look at the flower?” Kei looks at the canvas then back to Jens. “…I’m only drawing your torso down so you don't need to pose your expression at all” “Okay” Given the freedom to let his eyes wander, Jens stares at Kei, just looking him over. This comfortable energy suits him. He doesn’t seems as uptight. He’s definitely more sound minded now that he doesn't have to worry about keeping his guard up around me.. More fidgety maybe, but it seems excited. Not disturbed like he used to be. He listens to the sounds of Kei working His eyes are so pretty. I wish I could see more than that. I know he's blushing. Jens adjusts himself in his pants while Kei isn’t looking. Just being in the same room as him again makes Jens body react. But he's a man of patience. Well, not usually, he's more of a man of immediate gratification, but when it comes to Kei, he believes he could wait eons it if meant they could have a happy ending.

     Jens watches Kei's elbow shift as he drags the brush in confident, swift movements. Jens has always been impressed by the speed he works. He doesn’t know much, if anything at all, about art, but he knows Kei is truly talented compared to the common artist. Even amongst professionals, Jens can see that Kei is in league with, if not above, them. Why is he so hard on himself? I’ve never taken anything as seriously as he takes his art… This is a false statement, Jens, unknown to himself, takes his connection to Kei just as seriously as Kei takes his art career. Maybe his parents were strict. The classic piano boy syndrome? I want to ask. I want to know about him. Jens’ face pains a bit. This is going to be harder than I thought. How can I be this close to him and contain my curiosity about him? I have so many questions. He was such a pretentious ass in the beginning- at the same time, he was also reckless and needy. But then he pulls back and tries to pretend he doesn’t have any desires. When desire is clearly the only thing that makes him feel alive.. Jens face pains again. He can feel the scowl in his eyebrows. What happens if he stops desiring me? What if after this is all over- he gets the feeling he needs from the exhibit and he abandons me? Can I handle that? After holding myself back like this, can I survive him rejecting me? I’ll have to. I can’t  force him to see me how I see him.  Jens looks down. He can feel a hollow wind tearing through his chest. Suddenly the room feels very dreary. When he looks back up, Kei is watching him. Jens smiles, forcing down the foreboding chill that’s  rattling in his stomach. Kei looks back down to the painting. This is killing me inside. Being so attached to him hurts. But it’s not his fault. He never asked me to stay beside him. He never mislead me. I’ve only ever done what I wanted. He needs me now. He needs for this exhibit to go off with out any issues. I can’t get in his way again. Jens’ heart pangs. When I think about it, I'm the one who’s being cruel to him. Sure he needs me for this, but I put myself in his life in a way he didn't ask me to. He looks back to Kei scrittching away. Why is my mind running wild like this. I need to stop thinking so negatively. Jens smiles calmly, forcing his face to let go of the pain he's feeling in his chest. All this is for him so- I should at least keep a happy face. 

    Kei is staring at him. Jens freezes, not noticing the eyes that are so good at analyzing him. If Jens had a broader mind, he might have realized that there was no use in hiding his feelings from Kei. “Oh- did I move too much?” Kei’s eyes are sad too. “No- you’re good.”

Kei looks down at his painting he studies Jens’ somber face staring at the rose. Isn’t this expression too much. Am I torturing him? Why is his face so sad. I want to ask what he’s thinking about. Kei's eyes get watery. He’s shocked by his unprovoked reaction God. What’s happening? He blinks a few times, keeping himself hidden behind the painting. Why is his face breaking my heart? Kei sniffs and doesn’t look over the canvas. “Jens-” he has half the mind to blurt out an apology. The other half of his mind wants to ask Jens what hes thinking about, what put such a disheartened look on his face. But nothing comes out. His throat is dry, he can feel it click when he tries to swallow the lump that’s formed there. “I need to stop for today. My eyes are drying out” Cautiously, he looks over the canvas. Jens looks up from the flower, seemingly pulled out of a daze and smiles at him. “Okay, I can head out”.

   Kei’s heart pangs seeing his forced smile Why is he faking his smile to me? What am I doing to him. I’ve stared at your face for months now, Jens. I know what you look like when you look at me. So why is this your expression now? I felt good about the deal we made, but this- if this is what it does to him? No. Why should I assume he thinks of me enough to give such a heart-felt expression on my behalf. Maybe he had a hard day at work. Maybe one of his friends is struggling. He couldn’t possibly make a face like that for me.  Kei averts his eyes, nervous to let Jens see he was upset too. “I’ll just Venmo you this time. I don’t have cash on me” Jens sets the rose in the glass of water Kei had offered him. “That’s fine by me.” He smiles “I’ll see you next week. Good luck with your professor.” He reaches out to ruffle Kei's hair and stops. Instead he gives him a brief pat on the shoulder. Kei nods “Thanks..” The door clicks. Kei stares at the painting. He sits on the floor and looks at it for a long time. His eyes tear up What am I doing to you? He sobs a bit with a broken laugh. Curling his knees to his chest, peering at the painting over his folded arms. “I never thought you were capable of making a face I would hate.. but Jens, I hate this expression on you” Kei hides his face in his arms. His eyes tired from the grief he’s feeling. 

     Looking at the clock, Kei realizes he kept Jens much longer than they usually go. Consumed by the feelings pouring from Jens’ expression, Kei lost track of the time. Just that much longer, Jens was left to his own devices in his mind. Tossed to and fro by his escalating and swiftly crashing thoughts of self doubt and despair. Jens gets home and kicks off his shoes. He collapses onto the couch for only a few short minuets before the inside of his brain is crawling in anxiety again. “Fuck.” He pulls out his phone and texts a group chat [Anyone down to get wrecked tonight? *party emoji*] The brief moment it takes before the others begin responding has his heart beating in his ears. He feels stir crazy and over stimulated at the same time. He needs to quiet the waves of fear that are thrashing in him. [I’m down. Kudo’s on Elm?] Ah, the saving grace that is: His trashy bar-hopping dude-bros. [*thumbs up* Kudo’s it is. I’m omw now. Be there or be square mother fuckers] Jens pulls his shoes back on and all but bolts out the door.

    The constant thumping of the music, chatter and the endless stream of beer, makes his head feel much more empty. Jens sits in a daze only half hearing the wildness around him. Conversation about women, work, other parties flows easily through their private table at the bar. “You hangin’ in there bud?” Jens gets gently swayed back and forth by his friend Trevor. Jens blinks slowly and gives him a lopsided smile “‘m’fine” Trevor laughs “You are? You look down, man. You’re the one who called us out!” Jens snorts “M’in love” The table goes quiet. The four others look to Jens. Trevor snorts “What? You? In love with who? You heart broken or somethin?” Jens laughs “In love with you guys!” His laugh slurs as he grabs Trevor tightly “I love you guys. You stupid loud mouth jerks always making so much noise I can’t think straight! It’s great!” They all laugh. “Man, he’s done for, someone get him home!” “Danny, you live near him right?” Jens watches as they go around determining his fate “He’s bigger than a line-backer, fuck that! You do it” Jens laughs at their bickering “I’m not going home! Don’t worry, I still got some fight in me” they laugh and cheer “ ‘Nother round then!” 

   Jens wakes up on his living room floor. His Jacket half torn off, his shoes sitting on the carpet. He squints as the light from his phone blinds his still semi-drunk eyes. “Shit.” He tries to stand up and trips over the legs hanging off his couch. Danny is there snoring loudly. Jens kicks his leg “Always- fuckin’ in the way and shit. Toss me on the floor like a dog while you take the couch. God.” He mumbles cursing Danny’s awful handling. He brushes past and heads to the kitchen for a glass of water. He stares at the clock that tells him he’ll need to be at work in only a few short hours. He sniffles, blinking a few times. He scrubs at his face “shit.” Jens doesn’t feel any better. Back in the quiet of his house, he misses the loud music. He tosses a blanket over Danny and sets a new glass of water on the table for him. He collapses back on the floor. Listening to the obnoxious snores coming from his plastered friend’s mouth. “This is going to suck.” He says aloud. He’s not talking about the mouth breathing either, all he can think about it Kei. Danny snorts and turns over. Now even his snores have stopped. Silence again. Jens tosses his arm over his eyes “Just give it time.” I need to trust that this is the right thing to do. 

 

 

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