Chapter 10: Ch. 10

    The location is a small fish market. Kei pulls in beside Jens’ car. There are picnic tables by the water. The sun is low in the sky now. Jens rolls down his window and smiles “Hi.” Kei stares at him, he seems too big for his car. “Hi.” Jens gets out of his car and walks around to open Kei’s door. Kei steps out. Jens leans in “This is a pretty cute car. What is it a 90’s subè?” Kei brushes him aside and closes the door, embarassed by all the receipts and cans littering the passenger floor. “You’ve seen it before” Jens smiles “I know. I just wanted a reason to say something to you.” Kei blushes. He can’t figure out what Jens is up to. This attitude is strange. He expected Jens to be angry or at least uneasy, but he seems totally at peace. Thinking back, he always has rebounded quickly from Kei’s flakey attitude. Maybe this was to be expected from him after all.

    Jens waves Kei over “I like this place. I found it through work.” Kei nods, not adding to conversation. Jens looks at him and huffs. “They have fresh fish caught each morning. The owner is a dude from Indonesia, nice guy” he looks over at Kei who again nods with a ‘Good to know. I didn’t ask’ face. He smirks “You know Indonesia is a huge fishing country? So I trust the guys judgement. His names Bayu. Hes like sixty five years old and shredded to all hell” Kei stares at the order window in the distance. Jens continues, “when I asked him how he got so ripped, he showed me his three missing fingers. You know what this guy told me?” He looks to Kei. Kei only watches him. “He said “the fish won once, I won’t let him again. I need big muscles to punch them” I laughed my ass off. Dude cracks me up” Jens looks to Kei who has a slight smirk on his mouth. “So anyway then I asked him how he lost his finger and-”

Kei looks up to Jens “Jens.”

“hm?”

“I’m starving, can we just eat?” Kei’s face seems defeated.

Jens smiles. “Right, of course” 

    Jens was planning on holding Kei verbally hostage rambling off anything he knew about Bayu and Indonesia, which wasn’t much. He was prepared to start making up stories about Indonesian folk lore if Kei didn’t speak before he ran out of true statements. Jens wanted Kei to reach out more. Clearly he needed to work on speaking his mind. Jens was honestly wondering how long Kei would sit with his audibly rumbling stomach before being direct enough to say he wanted to eat. It was a while, but not as long as Jens had mentally prepared for. 

    Kei is eating an aromatic spicy fish over rice and vegetables. Jens is picking at something fried “Did I lie?” Kei looks up distracted “huh?” Jens nods towards his plate. “It’s good fish right?” Kei huffs a laugh “yeah the quality is good, thanks to Bayu.” it’s quiet for awhile. Jens is sitting sideways on the bench facing the water, Kei sitting correctly facing his profile. Jens exhales “I actually missed you” His voice doesn’t hold any resentment, just genuine longing. Kei makes a disturbed face and looks at his food “Why? That doesn’t make any sense.” Jens looks at him “Why shouldn’t I? I got used to seeing you often.” Kei picks at his food. I haven’t even properly apologized to him. How can he miss me when he left so upset last time. Jens leans forward on his chin smiling at Kei.. Just like the painting. Kei looks up at him shocked by the extremely tender look on his face.

    Jens face drops. The sweet flirting he’s been doing is nice and all, but there is something important he needs to address. “Look, Kei, I’m sorry”. Kei looks at his food. “For what?” Jens tilts his head “I didn't want to put you in a situation like that. I pushed you and- I pushed you to the point that you felt like you had no option besides driving me away..or I don’t know, giving me what I wanted..and when I think about that I just feel…really shitty for doing that to you. I didn’t want to hurt you or your exhibit” Kei frowns. He wishes Jens would go back to the bullshit about the fisherman. This isn’t what Kei wants to talk about. He’d rather continue ignoring it. “Let’s just pretend it didn't happen. I don't like this weird energy” Jens frowns. “I don’t want to forget it. I was happy to be with you- well at first, before I knew what I had done to you..Kei, is that really alright? To just forget how uncomfortable I made you? I don’t want to hurt you, you know what I mean? I just wanted to be close to you but I clearly crossed a boundary”

    Kei can’t listen to this anymore. Why was Jens the one apologizing? Why was he being so hard on himself when Kei was the one who engaged and took things just as far? It was a joint decision, why did Jens have to be the bad guy? Kei slams his fork down “Stop. Just stop!” Jens stiffens. Kei leans forward pointing accusingly at him. “Why are you talking like you're the one who did something wrong?! Why are you the only one allowed to feel like shit for what you did!? You made me uncomfortable?? I fucked you when you clearly weren’t wanting to do that!” Jens puts his hand on Kei’s, trying to calm the outburst. “Okay- shhh, tone it down a bit” He looks around to see if they’re alone. “I told you I wanted to be with you, right? I didn’t care how it ended up or… you know who did what.. You didn’t make me uncomfortable. But I did. I put you in an bad position.” Kei rips his hand away “YOU'RE NOT GETTING IT! I WANTED THAT TOO!” He lowers his voice, finally aware of how worked up he is. “What gives you the right to be so guilty!? I can’t stop thinking about you! Every time I stare at a blank canvas it ends up being you! I wanted you! I just-” He stands up in a clatter “Fuck. This fish isn’t good. I’m going to head out.” Jens is daunted. “What? No-” He grabs Kei's hand. “no, don’t okay? We don’t need to eat. I ruined the mood just- Sit and breath for a minuet. Us avoiding it is only going to make it toxic or something like that.” Kei clenches his fist and pulls his hand away from Jens’ then sits back down.

     Jens stares at him. He has no choice but to tell the truth. Kei’s emotions are swaying too rapidly. “I don’t want to give up on you. And I know I should because I clearly stress you out. And it might not even be healthy for you to have me around. But I want to be good for you- I know I can be- I just don't know how because what ever I do seems to cause you pain” Kei’s anger at himself, his confusion at Jens’ words, his fear of letting this get to him wells up, a storm of negative emotions crashing in his rib cage. Yet his heart flutters. Kei’s eyes tear up. Anger apparent in their scowl. Jens grabs the sides of his face forcing him to look him in the eyes. “So what can I do to just be next to you and not hurt you?” Kei scowls, throwing Jens hands from him. “I’m hurting myself! You haven’t done anything wrong. I’m just- I’M SO ANGRY AT MYSELF. I’M SO WEAK!” Kei rambles on, his self hatred clawing it’s way up his throat. “I can’t even paint with out a muse! I don’t want to eat. I can’t sit in my studio with out wanting to tear up everything I’ve made before meeting you! I can’t even be a proper artist if I only want to paint one thing for the rest of my life. And I can’t even do that right! I ruin everything I care about! I’m weak Jens! I’m not good at the only thing I'm supposed to be good at!” Jens stares at the explosion. Slow blinking, trying to process his words. All of that sounded like a confession of love. But nows probably not a good time to point that out. I think he needs to figure that out on his own. This isn’t the time to ask more from him. This is the time to come up with a solution for him. 

“What if I did the hard part?”

Kei stares at him “what?”

You are reading story Amuse You at novel35.com

Jens smiles, a solution in mind. “What if I’m the one who keeps this stable?” He slaps the table “let’s make a contract. Until the exhibit is over I’ll keep my feelings at bay. I won’t interfere with you at all. I’ll do what I’m hired to do. You treat me how ever you want but I’ll just do as I'm told. I’ll show up, pose, go with the flow. All of that, it’ll all be exactly what you need for the exhibit to go well” Jens exhales. “You wanted me to be the one to push you away right? You wanted me to take responsibility for the direction things were heading? Well I will okay? I’ll be the one responsible for keeping this focused on your exhibit.” He smiles brightly at his new idea “I won’t do anything to put pressure on you, I won’t do anything confusing. I’ll just be— I don’t know, a doll.”

    Kei is staring at him. Jens’ words did something wild to calming the raging storm in him. Jens’ simplistic attitude, his easy claims that everything will be okay if he’s the one to take care of it, leaves Kei’s chest feeling at peace. “I don’t want a doll..” Jens laughs “But that’s what you need right? You want to paint me but I get in the way. You’d be better off if it was like in class right? All cock, no balls? I’ll only do what I’m told” Kei looks down and let’s out a loud bark of a laugh at Jens analogy “I don’t know.. maybe” Jens leans back and smiles “So let’s do that then. Besides you hated that new model you were with”  Kei stares at him “I didn’t hate her, she was a bit much but she was a good worker” Jens laughs, his jealousy creeping in again. “yeah that’s why your painting looked half dead” Kei is shocked. “it- it did?” Jens is nervous he made a mistake “oh, uh no, I just mean-” “You can see it too? You can see that I felt nothing?” Kei rakes a hand through his bangs, mussing the gentle flow of them. “I was supposed to show that piece to the professor next week! How can I give that to him if even you could see how vapid it was!” Jen scratches his head “I don’t know if it was vapid- I mean I don’t know what vapid means but I assume it’s a bad thing- it just looked like you didn't want to paint her” Kei resigns to the reality of it all and laughs weakly. “Yeah I really didn’t. She sucked” Jens laughs too “Why did she answer the door naked! What kind of perv does that!” Kei shakes his head “I don’t know. But you saying ‘sorry I don’t eat either’ that shut her down.” Jens laughs hard too, he leans on his chin again looking at Kei.

    He holds out his hand as a treaty offering. “So do we have a deal? I’ll be a good boy and you finish your exhibit?” Kei’s heart has been through a lot in this last hour or so. The calm he feels now paired with the cool ocean wind, the look in Jens’ eyes and the breeze gently ruffling his hair, Kei can finally take a good look at him. He looks at the large hand extended out to him, goes to grab it and pauses. Something in him begs for comfort, or maybe a celebration, or maybe a last hoo-rah. What ever it is, or maybe it’s all of that at once, Kei suddenly wants to be held.  “before that..” Jens perks up at the familiarly meek tone. “hm?” Kei doesn’t know how to ask for this. He doesn’t want to mess up this very wonderful thing that just happened, but the swirling in his chest eggs him on. “Can we-“ Kei looks down I shouldn’t do this. It would be repeating the exact thing that brought us here. I just- I can’t look at him and not feel overwhelmed to the point that I want to shut it all up. “Can we what?” Kei closes his eyes shaking his head. “Can we just- I don’t know. Get it out of the way. Do it properly so I don’t have to keep thinking about the what ifs?” Jens is stunned “You mean.. ‘do it’ like we both expected last time..?” Kei is blushing staring at the table. Jens tone makes him regret ever opening his mouth. This was stupid. Why did I say that? After everything we just went thought I’m trying to sabotage it again. But..what if he wants to? “Yeah.” The bright red on Kei’s ears, visible even with the darkening sky, Jens wants to accept. He wants to reach out and pull Kei to him. Show him every ounce of pleasure he clearly needs. He thinks of six different ways he could fit both of them in his back seat. Jens thinks for a moment and then leans in to look Kei in the face.

    “Absolutely not.” Kei is humiliated. He tries to back track. His heart feels sick, his stomach does too. Why was he so pathetic? Why couldn’t he just accept Jens’ kind words with out ruining everything? “God I don’t know why I thought you’d still be interested. I’m sorry that was disgust-“ He stands, ready to run to his car and never speak to Jens again. Jens grabs Kei’s wrists, keeping him from getting up. Hes fully leaned across the table, his chest pressed against it, looking up at Kei who is half way out of his seat attempting to run away. “No no no no no! I am. I’m very interested! But if I suck and ruin your idea of me then you might not want to paint me anymore” He smirks, making a fool out of himself too. “So, after the exhibit” In reality, I learned my lesson about falling for these spirals of his. When he’s unstable, he wants comfort. I’ll just have to give it to him with out using our bodies. I won’t repeat that mistake again. I won’t let his run away emotions touch me until I know we’re both on solid ground. Kei stops trying to run and sits back down, instead his face is fully blushed but amused. “After?” Jens slips his hair back from his forehead, the coastal wind tossing it in circles around him.  “Your hair is gonna be so tangled” he smiles at Kei  “yeah, after. I’m not going to risk your chance at the exhibit. Not again” Kei looks at the table smiling. His heart feels eerily still again, warm and pattering at a peaceful pace. “That felt really embarrassing. Sorry” Jens makes a sad face sticking out his bottom lip. “Aw, that’s because it was.” Kei laughs and slaps his arm they giggle together.

   Jens thinks to himself, sitting opposite to Kei, staring out at the water. It’s quiet. Jens sneakily adjusts himself in his pants, still calming down from Kei’s proposal. Even though he knew he had to reject in that moment, it doesn’t mean his desires, or dick for that matter, agree. He glances to Kei whose eyes are closed, listening to the ocean. This is how he’s meant to be. Able to relax, smiling, being snarky and beautiful. We could be like this forever if he just let’s me take care of his heart. This is the person I’m so drawn in by. This is who I’m falling for. The wind whisks Kei’s hair around, the smell of his shampoo and cologne mixed with ocean spray drifting to Jens. Jens thinks he could survive just fine if they stayed here like this forever.

“What will you do about your professor next week then?”

Kei furrows his brow contemplating. He definitely can’t show him the pieces he was working on without Jens. “Hmm..can you come over tomorrow?” Jens is surprised “a week is enough?” “I think so. If it’s you, and if I pull some all nighters…I know I can do it” 

Jens smiles looking back to the ocean “Yeah I can come over tomorrow.” Yes. This is how we should be. This warmth, I missed him.

 

 

 

You can find story with these keywords: Amuse You, Read Amuse You, Amuse You novel, Amuse You book, Amuse You story, Amuse You full, Amuse You Latest Chapter