Chapter 6: Ch. 6

      Jens checks his phone. It’s finally Saturday. I’ve been thinking about seeing him non-stop since last time. We didn’t even speak much or touch at all.. but I really liked being around him. I was comfortable. Jens has spent the last week working restlessly. He’s also been frequenting the gym more. His anticipation leaves him feeling stuffy and stir-crazy, so he channels it into the few things he’s passionate about. Work, working out, and now..Kei. With the agreed meeting time getting closer, Jens frantically gets ready. Shower, dress nice, smell good, don’t bring a condom, okay yeah bring it just in case, car keys, wallet, condom, shit no leave it…no no bring it. Okay bringing it. Get on the road. 

    Jens knocks on the door. He has trouble standing still as Kei takes his time to answer. “Hi” Kei looks up when he swings the door open. “Hey”  Kei lets him in with out a word. There is a chair set in the middle of the room in front of an easel.  Jens takes the hint. Today was another no talking day. He silently starts removing his clothes beside the chair. To avoid it feeling like undressing at the doctors, a little extra effort went into removing them in a smooth yet effortless manner, his attempt to be subtly sexy. Kei averts his eyes, though they lingered on the bare well muscled shoulders in front of him.  Jens sits down on the chair calmly. “This good?” Kei doesn’t respond. He nods his head quickly and turns around. Jens gets goosebumps seeing Kei’s reaction. We haven’t said anything except hello, he feels more tense than last time. Didn't think that was possible.

   Kei is staring at him. I’ve been looking at my painting of him all week, I can’t get his image out of my mind, now that he’s here in front of me.. It’s distracting and disorienting. Unabashedly, Kei looks at Jens’ crotch. He didn’t shave. Kei moves his easel to the side. I can’t look him in the face. Jens sighs. He knows Kei is purposely avoiding his gaze now. “This chair isn’t comfortable, so I can’t just fall asleep this time.. Can I at least look at you? It’s boring just sitting here”

    Kei stares at his hands, fighting the urge to pick at them. Ah of course he’d say something like that. “Fine. But I’m going to actually have you wear pants this time too, so stand up.” Kei sifts through the a wardrobe in a small storage room. He brings out a pair of darkly colored pants. Jens slips them on. Kei hands over a belt as well. Jens slips it through the pant-loops, Kei’s gaze following his movements the whole time. I want to paint his hands. No, i want his hands on me. His eyes drag from Jens’ belt to the deep ‘V’ between his hips. Kei clears his throat. “Hmm actually let it hang open.” Jens undoes the buckle. “Like this?” Kei walks up to him shaking his head disapprovingly. “No, no.” He grabs the belt and slips it to hang asymmetrically, tugging Jens hips with the motion. Jens steadies himself. He watches curriously as Kei deftly pops open the pants button, and unzips the fly just enough to expose a glimpse of hair. His fingers move to the belt loops, desiring to tug the pants just a little lower. Kei notices their close proximity too late, his hands still gripping the pant-loops. Jens is staring down at Kei. He can feel his body reacting to the situation. Kei’s thin fingers only centimeters away from his skin. The act of undressing someone feels too intimate.  Kei nods curtly. “Like that.” He looks up, Jens eyes feel heavy on him. Jens hand twitches at his side If I could just touch him, I’ll feel less antsy. Jens brings his hand up. He wants to brush against Kei’s arm, feel the heat of his skin, but he’s worried to scare him away. He instead grips the sleeve of keis shirt. “Can I-” Kei is frozen by the tug on his sleeve, a gentle request to get closer. Kei wishes Jens skin could become his own. To live his life always touching him. He needs to pull away. Their eyes meet. Kei averts, staring at the ground. Jens watches as his long eyelashes brush against his pale cheeks. Kei lets go of Jens pants and turns around, overwhelmed by the desire to continue removing the clothes Jens had only just put on.  “Just sit however you want. You have a good instinct for what looks nice”

    Jens sighs internally and sits. He leans back comfortably resting his hands on the chair’s arms. This is driving me insane. How can I be so close to him and feel this distant? Kei watches him. The strange pinch in Jens’ eyebrows doesn’t suit him.  He looks tense. How can I make him more comfortable? “You like music?” Jens head snaps up, excited that Kei said something that wasn't a command. “Sure, I mean- yes, I do. What kind of music do you like? You go to concerts?” Jens tries to take as great of an advantage as he can from this. Kei huffs a laugh at his sincerity. “I was asking because I can put some on if you’d like” Jens blushes and looks down. God why am I treating this like the talking stage. I might as well have just asked him to play 20 questions. If only, I don’t know- Uhg- I want to know more about him. Why does he make me feel like this? Being treated coldly makes my chest ache. Do I just need attention? Shit, am I an attention seeker? Kei fiddles with his phone. He selects a playlist of calm ambient songs. “I like most music. Oh, except country. And don’t like crowds so I only go if it’s a small venue” Kei’s response shakes Jens from his thoughts. Glad Kei is giving him his attention, he pries more.“Why don’t you like crowds?” Mixing a warm base color, Kei starts painting. He blocks out the general shape. “I don’t like getting lost and it makes me anxious to not see where I’m going.” Jens makes a face, unfamiliar with the idea of not being able to see over a crowd. “Not see? How short are you?” Kei smirks as he paints. “You’re supposed to ask how tall I am. It doesn’t sound as good to say Im 5’9” short.  Did you just realize you’re a giant?” Jens’ mouth hangs open. He is 6’5’’, so that number sounds too tiny. He does the not-so-quick, quick-math. “You’re almost a whole foot shorter than me!?” Jens is shocked “but- you seemed so much taller when we-“ Kei flinches, knowing where Jens’ one track mind is heading. “No.” He points his paint brush at jens “Stop that train of thought!” He dips his brush and begins working again “And saying a whole foot is a stretch. I’m not short. You’re just.. large.” Jens shuts his mouth and then smirks, at the word choice. Kei looks down at the painting, his face burning a little. You were holding me idiot!! Of course I seemed taller! The mood is pleasantly lightened.

    Kei works in silence for a while. Jens ponders other things he wants to know. He tests the waters to see how chatty Kei is feeling. “Do you like shopping?” Kei is concentrating but managing the small talk. The distraction seems welcomed. “Online shopping? Yes. In store? Not really. Too many back seat stylists” Jens nods listening intently.

“Favorite food?” Kei keeps painting, the image taking shape.

“Star fruit.”

“The fuck is a star fruit?”

Kei deadpans “A fruit that’s shaped like a star.” He looks up and smirks “It tastes like a pear and a sour grape mixed.”

Jens admires the easy going look on Kei’s face. This mood is totally different. He’s even back to being playfully annoying again. I missed his snark. 

    Jens puts his chin in his hand “and if you were going out to dinner?” Kei looks at Jens, something in his eyes makes his heart pound. He looks back down and adjusts the painting. He goes as far as rearranging the entire framework he had already painted to match Jens’ current position instead. “Seafood. Stay how you are, I like this pose” Jens smiles at the twinkle in Kei’s eye and the blush on his cheeks. His heart picks up. He can feel the steady thumping. Kei often makes his heart race, but this felt different. This isn’t exhilaration or arousal, this is affection. “What’s your favorite color?” Kei halts and looks up at him What is this 20 questions? The small talk distracted me. Are we middle school boyfriends what is going on right now?! “What are you doing?” Kei’s tone is confrontational. Jens perks up “Uh 20 questions…I guess” Kei bursts out laughing. Jens smiles too. He’s not sure why they’re laughing but he’s glad they are. Kei grips the easel “God you are so annoying!” Jens smile turns into a dramatic frown. He doesn’t know what he did to be called annoying, but Kei is smiling. Kei is really smiling, openly and beautifully. “Well it’s more annoying when you ignore me!” He huffs a laugh “So just let me have this” Kei’s smile diminishes for a split second. Was I too cold to him last time? If this helps us both relax maybe this is good… His resignation to allowing himself this lighthearted behavior brings his smile back.

“Okay, how many are we at?”

Jens counts on his fingers quickly. “Nine. And you still didn’t tell me your favorite color”

“Green. And you asked me if I was almost a foot shorter than you so you have 10 left”

Jens frowns “That was rethorical! That doesn’t count!”

Kei smirks “Rhetorical questions are still questions, and this is 20 questions. Don’t ask things you don’t want answers to” Jens frowns.

“So stingy. Do you have any pets?”

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“No, I will get a cat one day though”

“How do you take your coffee?”

“Hot. Dark with cream and sugar”

A few more back-and-forths and Kei’s painting is almost at a comfortable stopping point. “You have two questions left”

“Do you have siblings?”

“Nope.” Kei sets his brushes down.

    Kei looks up at Jens, unaware of the smile on his own face. “Last one.” Jens smile turns shy and then gentle. “Can I take you out for you dinner?” Kei’s eyebrows raise before his face drops to a statuesque glare “No.” Jens balks, things were going so well. This outcome seems unfair “Why not?” Kei stands up. “You’re out of questions” Jens tries to rewind where he went wrong. His face is a perplexed pout. “That wasn’t part of the game, don’t be nit picky” The disdain on Kei’s face is back. The racing of his heart feels like it might kill him. Jens heart feels like it’s stopped.  

    Kei sets to cleaning his brushes. Playtime is over. It was fun while it lasted. Kei thinks he let it go on too long.  His shoulders are once again rigid. “Ill get your payment in a moment. You can use the bathroom to change” Jens stands up uncomfortably and seals himself in the bathroom to change. When he returns again, Kei doesn’t spare him a glance. Defeated, Jens sucks his teeth and grabs the money from the countertop on his way out. He stops at the door and inhales and exhales, clearing his resentments. “Also, I’m not pissed because you said no to dinner. I’m pissed because you’re being mean again” He closes the door behind him. Kei makes an exasperated sigh and smiles How childish! I’m being mean to him? As if I stole his toy in the sand box. 

    Kei sits down and wipes his face I am glad he wasn’t angry I said no. I don’t want to lose him as a model over an awkward siuation. But I just can’t get involved beyond the exhibit. He may be my muse but I can’t get swept away by him. He’ll figure it out on his own eventually. Kei rolls his eyes Honetly. Mean? That’s ridiculous. I’m just avoiding an uncomfortable situation. His eyebrows pinch. That’s not so mean is it? He picks at his thumb staring at the painting. It’s still in the beginning stages of blocked out shading and the essence of Jens’ expression, but it suddenly makes Kei feel awful. Was he too unfair? Has he been pushing the threshold of detached professionalism? Am I too mean? Kei’s heart pounds, this time it’s not the flittering affectionate kind. Anxiety seeps into his chest. 

————     

     Jens is at a restaurant with sherry. “Then he just said no. Like flat out looked me in the face and said ‘no.’ ”  Jens mimics Kei’s stern face. Sherry snorts “So what? He’s your boss now don’t make it weird” Jens slams his hand on the table “Don’t make it weird? He stares at me naked for like? 6 hours a week? How is this not already weird?!” Sherry shrugs, chewing her straw “I don’t know, it’s art. Doesn’t saying its’ art make it not weird? I mean does it feel weird? He doesn’t make you do uncomfortable things does he?” Jens makes a face “What? C’mon. No. He’s not a weirdo. He treats me too coldly if anything. I wish he’d ask me to do weird things” Sherry is amused and surprised by Jens’ lament. “Wait, do you actually like him or is this a curiosity type deal? Y’know cause of the whole ‘not sure if you’re gay’ thing.” Jens leans forward. His eyes are deathly serious. He reaches out and puts his hand on Sherry’s. “Listen to me closely when I say this, because I’m saying it once-” Sherry’s eyebrows are raised. Jens intense stare amplifies his words. “I have never wanted to know someone so badly in my life. I want to look in his brain and memorize every inch. He is so pretty I want to rip my eyeballs out” Sherry throws his hand off hers. “God! You’re the weirdo here! So you like him? Just say that!” She shivers “I really really hate when you get all dead eyed like that. What the hell was that” Jens leans back smiling, holding his drink. “When I ask him questions he doesn’t just answer. He goes into detail. Gives me more than I asked for… it just makes me want to know more.” Sherry smiles deviously “Unless it’s you asking him on a date, of course” Jens makes a wicked smile and throws his napkin at her.  “Keep it up! I’m gonna yank your ponytail! You’re gonna have a big bald spot” she laughs and dodges the napkin. Jens’ night ended just fine that day. He forgot that he was supposed to be disgruntled with Kei. He’s just glad he made some progress. It was no perfect dream date, but Kei opening up was something Jens could be happy for. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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