Chapter 99: Man vs Outremonde

The Bohens were greeted on arrival by demon hookers and undead butlers.

“Welcome to the Annual Dalton Dynasty Get-Together!” A busty succubus welcomed Basil and Vasi with a platter full of caviar, shrimp, wine, and cocaine. Her companion, a walking skeleton dressed in an expensive tuxedo, opened a golden guestbook for them to sign. Half the names on the first page were written in blood. “Can I offer you a refreshment? Our patented opium cocktail is guaranteed to give you a taste of Happyland!”

Needless to say, that interaction set the tone for the rest of the day.

Basil kept a hand on his halberd as he and his girlfriend were led into a gothic-style castle’s hall. Colossal didn’t even begin to describe the place. Neither the Vampire Castle dungeon nor Château Muloup could hope to rival it in size. The black stone floor stretched on so far that Basil could have parked the Steamobile in the room. Massive chandeliers cast a bright light on a ballroom dancing floor, exotic buffets full of wonderful dishes, and isolated opium dens. Red stained glass windows represented the epic struggle between a great dragon and an undead sorcerer, a vampire beast, and a foul monster with a stomach full of tormented souls. Looking through them gave Basil a glimpse of the world outside: black towers rising from a sea of magma contained inside a vast crater.

And of course, who could miss the giant dragon statue in the middle of the room?

Even larger than Rosemarine, the monument was made of solid gold layered with ruby scales. The statue had wings that could overshadow houses, opal eyes, and a great crown of jewels glittering atop obsidian horns. A magical candle burned within his maw. This was a true dragon spoken in legends, a fire-breathing beast of divine majesty. A smaller statue waited under the right wing’s shadow; a knight in blackened armor, with ruby wings and a scythe sharper than any blade.

“Did we step into a Unity stronghold?” Basil asked, half-amused and half-annoyed.

“I told you dragons were honored in our world,” Vasi reminded him. “Don’t say you ride one on Earth. They will take it badly.”

“Can I mention turning Steamslime into a car?”

Vasi smiled, but only a little. “It’ll be better if I do the talking today.”

At least this world’s dragons didn’t put collars on everyone else.

“Is your father a supervillain?” Basil joked. “A castle in a volcano doesn’t exactly scream heroic underdog to me.”

“He is a demon king, or so I’m told.” Vasi put an arm around her boyfriend’s and squeezed it tightly. Her fingers trembled as they held onto his armor. “If you see anybody with a crown, please shout a warning.”

“Everything will be fine,” Basil reassured her. “I’m here.”

Vasi nodded slightly, but her spine only stiffened further. She was as straight as a pole and as relaxed as Marie-Antoinette facing the guillotine. Her eyes darted from one guest to the next, searching for her father with a mix of fear and shyness.

Her behavior spooked Basil a little. His girlfriend was always confident, charming, and laid-back even in the worst circumstances. When Benjamin Leroy caught Basil and Plato in Paris, it was Vasi who had effortlessly taken command of the group to rescue them. Vasilisa Yaga usually smiled with aplomb in the face of danger; but not today.

Now Basil saw a new side of his girlfriend. The thought of meeting her long-lost father filled her with more dread than fighting the Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

If her dad threatens her, I’ll cut him down where he stands. Basil appraised the people present with a wary gaze, holding his girlfriend with one arm and holding his halberd with the other. The hall crawled with scantily-clad demons, undead servants, troll cooks, and that what was just the staff. Maybe we won’t find him in this madhouse.

Basil didn’t know any other word to describe what he saw. A blue insectoid demon argued with an angel over winged shrimps. A young siren with the lower half of an octopus shared an inflatable pool with a half-naked vampire and a young man with wood for skin and leaves for hair; all of them stank of wine, whiskey, and other alcoholic beverages. Dragonoid humanoids played a children’s card game with orcish creatures, gambling gold, jewels, and to Basil’s shock, a winged baby. A carnival of fantasy creatures had gathered under this roof to engage in all excesses imaginable.

The most normal sight of them all was also the most disturbing. Basil’s eyes wandered to a corner, where a young woman sat on a rocking chair with a three-years old boy on her lap. Her white dress, apron, and sleeping cap reminded him of a caricature of Red Riding Hood’s grandmother; especially when he noticed wolfish ears sticking out of her hair and those of the child.

“Grandma Choc,” said the young boy. “Why do I have long ears?”

“So you can better hear your prey,” the woman replied with a kind smile.

The boy returned the smile, his canines sharp as fangs. “Grandma Choc, why do I have fangs?”

“So you can better eat people, silly!”

In retrospect, Basil thought, maybe it’s best Vasi took after her mother’s side. “Is everyone on your father’s side of the family a man-eating monster?”

“I didn’t expect any of this,” Vasi admitted.

“Me neither,” Basil whispered. “At least we don’t stand out too much.”

Even in terms of levels, the two of them were nothing to write about among the guests. The last weeks had reinforced the idea that the Bohens were big fish in a tiny pond; Earth held few challenges for them, at least until the next Incursion. A quick look at the crowd showed them what to expect in the future.

Apollyon, who had single-handedly blown the International Space Station out of the sky, ravaged Paris, and survived a nuke, had been reduced from level seventy to sixty by the Level Barrier.

One person out of four in this room was stronger than him.

Basil’s Monster Insight Perk worked well enough in this world to let him glean the levels of the guests. Most were in their fifties, but many of them were far stronger than that. The ‘wolf grandmother’ from before was pushing eighty and the dragonoids neared near seventy. Half the people present would be enough to take over Earth twice over. Although Basil remained ready to defend his lady at the first provocation, he doubted they would survive for long if the guests became hostile.

Vasi nervously glanced around the room, and suddenly froze in place. Basil followed her gaze.

A sinister creature signed the guestbook. Two armored black knights escorted him as if he were a king, and he truly looked the part. His four great wings resembled a cross between a dragon’s and a moth’s; symbols of eyes and skulls glowed on the membranes. His body was sleek yet powerful, with red dragon scales, sharp claws, and a black scorpion tail slithering behind him. His ermine cloak would put Louis XIVth to shame and the rubies on his obsidian crown glowed brighter than stars. Not even his arrogant sneer and cold red eyes could mar his elegant humanoid visage. This man oozed style.

Basil failed to recognize the creature at first glance. But the horns, the sharp eyes, the nose… the monster’s facial features felt awfully familiar to him. After all, they had greeted him each morning on awakening.

Braniño II Dalton della Maure

Level 70 [Bug/Dragon]

Weak to: Bugslayer, Dragonslayer, Light, flattery, hugs, daddy issues, his ex.

Strong against: Everything else.

The self-proclaimed Demon Emperor of Outremonde, though he has only managed to conquer a fourth so far—mostly because deep down, he is an insecure little bastard who wants to prove he doesn’t need his parents’ money or connections to take over THE WORLD! The archnemesis of his Paladin sister Braniña, whom he has thrice tried to recruit to the Dark Side of the Gold. He makes most dictators look like schoolboys, but never forgets his mother’s birthday.

Also, you’ll be [BLEEP] if you tell him you’re dating his long-lost daughter. Don’t. Seriously, don’t.

Vasi’s father was almost as pretty as his daughter.

“Long-lost daughter?” Basil whispered as he read the notification. He noticed the lack of associated factions or elemental immunities in the text. This world’s System appeared less exhaustive than Earth’s one, though less mean-spirited. “That’s him, Vasi.”

She already knew. Yet when her father glanced in her direction, Vasi turned his head to avoid meeting his gaze.

“Let’s go!” Vasi pulled her boyfriend back. “Now!”

“But he’s right here,” Basil pointed out.

“The buffet is over there!” she insisted, blushing like a tomato. “I need a drink!”

“I know he looks intimidating, but appearances can be deceiving,” Basil argued. “I can test the waters if you want–”

“Peons!” The black knights escorting Vasi’s father announced their master’s coming to the guests. “Clear the dance floor for His Dark Majesty, His Vileness, CEO of Maure Hellcorporated, Conqueror of the Southern Continent and New Murmurin, the Demon King Braniño!”

“Emperor!” Vasi’s father snapped his finger and zapped both his knights with a lightning bolt. The electricity hit them in the ass hard enough to make them wince in pain. “How many times will I have to tell you?! The Emperor is above the King, so it’s Demon Emperor Braniño!”

“Okay I take it back,” Basil told Vasi. “Your father has an attitude problem.”

“Let’s go,” Vasi insisted. “I… I just can’t.”

Basil, ever the gentleman, abided by his girlfriend’s wish. They walked to the buffet, their backs turned on the Demon Emperor Manchild. “Vasi–”

“Not a word, Basil.” Vasi let go of her boyfriend’s arm and massaged her temples instead. “Please, let me clear my thoughts.”

Realizing his girlfriend needed some personal space, Basil instead turned to the buffet itself. He basked in the sight of so many dishes unknown to him: multicolored slime jellies, demon cabbages served with a sea serpent salad, stuffed fire bats… and a stuffed, roasted animal that disturbingly reminded him of a cat.

I’m sorry Plato, Basil apologized in his mind. I was too late to save anyone.

He still took notes of the various dishes for purely academic purposes.

“Hey, a new face!” Basil turned to the source of the voice: a tiny female goblin wearing ornate samurai armor. A winged human with reptilian wings followed her around with a plate full of roasted cat legs. “Who are you? First time I’ve seen you around here!”

Basil immediately tensed at the sight of a goblin—old habits died hard—but reminded himself that he had no quarrel with this one. He immediately studied her with Monster Insight though; just in case.

Goblina, Goblin Shogun

Level ?? [Beast/Humanoid]

Sorry, this information is locked behind a [Scrying Firewall]. Please upgrade your VPN Perks before trying again.

“Are you System profiling me?” Unfortunately, his interlocutor noticed his analysis attempt. “Do you have something against goblins?”

“Sorry,” Basil apologized from the bottom of his heart. “I got into a blood feud with goblin neighbors once. Nothing against you, you just reminded me of it.”

“Did you win it?” the goblin’s companion asked. Besides his red wings and draconic tail, he looked astonishingly normal. His common face, green eyes, and brown hair reminded Basil of all Isekai light novel protagonists imaginable fused into one. His salaryman suit contrasted with the rest of the guests, but not enough to make him stand out. “The blood feud?”

“Oh yes, I did.” Basil cleared his throat and offered his hand to the female goblin. “Sorry for my poor manners. I’m Basil Bohen. I’m an in-law, so this is my first time here.”

“Goblina.” The female goblin looked at Basil’s hand before shaking it reluctantly. “Is he another of yours, Victor?”

“Oh come on, I haven’t fathered a child in forty years,” her companion groaned. Much to Basil’s confusion, the man didn’t look older than thirty. “This joke is getting old.”

“Well, you were the Godfather.” The female goblin cackled while her companion rolled his eyes. Basil supposed there was a joke to be found, but it flew over his head. “No seriously, where do you come from, goblin slayer?”

“Bulgaria,” Basil deadpanned.

The reference flew over the goblin’s head… but to Basil’s surprise, her companion recognized it. “Oh, that’s Europe right?” he asked with a happy smile. “I wanted to travel there after finishing my studies, but never got the chance to.”

“You come from Earth?” Basil asked, positively surprised.

“That takes me back,” he replied with a hint of nostalgia. “I used to live in Chicago before the whole stabbing truck thing.”

Basil blinked at the man as he processed his words. “Stabbing truck?”

“I was shanked in an alley and then hit by a truck,” the winged man explained. “And then I went through the whole god-powered reincarnation shenanigans, you know, the usual.”

Was he serious? Basil held the man’s gaze and waited for the other shoe to drop. It never did. To his astonishment, this Victor looked completely sincere. This world was weird.

???

Basil’s Monster Insight Perk activated on its own and only succeeded in giving him a headache. This disturbed him quite a lot. He had managed to read the information of the likes of Pluto and Walter Tye, people who either wielded the power of a god or were close in power. Yet this man’s data remained shrouded.

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Either he was more dangerous than he let on, or his anti-scrying magic was top notch.

“Sorry, I forgot to introduce myself.” The winged man set his plate of food aside to shake Basil’s hand. “Victor Dalton, but you can call me Vic. Nice to meet you.”

“Same,” Basil replied. “Didn’t expect to meet another earthling today.”

“So, how did you die?” Victor asked with a chuckle. “Truck-kun? Knifed to death in an alley? Road roller?”

“I’m pretty sure I’ve never died,” Basil replied. Some foes had come close to finishing him off, but none succeeded yet.

“You’ve never died?” Somehow, the man made it sound like something to be ashamed of, like ‘you’re a virgin?’ Or ‘you’ve never played Pokemon?’ “Then how did you make your way to Outremonde?”

“My girlfriend received a magical invitation,” Basil explained. “Lots of portals are opening to Earth recently, so it must be easy for people to travel to this world back and forth.”

“Wow, really?” He scratched the back of his head. “Back in my adventurer days, you needed a super-powerful ancient gate to access Earth.”

“Wait a second.” Goblin locked eyes with her companion. “You didn’t know about the portals, Vic? One opened in my backyard a month ago.”

“Magical phenomena are Dice’s domain, so–” Victor stopped himself, his face turning white as chalk. “Oh. Oh, I see the problem.”

“You might want to look into it,” Goblina suggested.

“Wait, how long have you been here?” Basil asked with a frown. It didn’t look like this man knew anything about the Apocalypse.

“Oh man, I’ve lost count. I believe that makes fifty years now? More?” Victor shrugged sheepishly. “Might be less on Earth. Time flies differently between dimensions, especially after we skipped the Second Edition of the System for the Third.”

“Second Edition?” Basil asked.

Both his interlocutors shuddered. “We don’t talk about the Second Edition,” the goblin said. “Ever.”

There was probably an interesting story there, but Basil abided by their wishes. “You don’t look like your fifty, Vic.”

“We all use eternal youth spells to stay in our prime. Choc is pushing past seventy—” Victor froze in place, his tail stiffening up like an antenna. His eyes became blank and his lips stuttered maddeningly. “Bring, ring, ring!”

“What…” Basil struggled to process the scene in front of him. The winged man started making ringtone noises out of nowhere; worst of all, his goblin companion looked utterly unsurprised. “What’s happening to him?”

“He’s ringing,” Goblina replied flatly. “His boss is calling him on the Minionphone.”

If her answer was supposed to make sense, Basil failed to see it.

Victor stopped ringing without warning. “Sorry, will be right back!”

He disappeared in a burst of smoke before Basil could ask for explanations.

“I thought the Big V would have given him his day off, but guess I was wrong.” Goblina glanced at the buffet and snickered upon noticing Vasi. “Great, another alcoholic in the family.”

To Basil’s horror, his girlfriend had emptied three cups of wine and was in the process of consuming a fourth. He would better intervene.

“Excuse me,” Basil told Goblina. He rejoined his girlfriend and swiftly began to massage her shoulders. “Vasi, you won’t find your courage hiding at a cup’s bottom.”

“I haven’t drunk enough to confirm yet,” Vasi joked back nervously. She gazed into her wine as if she could divine the future on its surface. “That was harsh, Basil. You should be supporting me.”

“I am supporting you,” Basil countered. “Getting drunk isn’t the solution.”

“Listen to him,” Goblina said as she butted her way into the conversation. “I let my goddaughter hang out with a recovering alcoholic, and now she can’t spend a day in a tavern without trying to recruit an adventurer party.”

“It can’t be him,” Vasi muttered, completely ignoring the comment. “His Type is Bug/Dragon, mine is Fairy/Demon. It must be all a misunderstanding.”

“Maybe Types can skip a generation?” Basil pondered. “Monster Insight identified you as Braniño’s long-lost daughter when I scanned him.”

“Braniño has a daughter?” Goblina choked in disbelief. Her eyes scanned Vasi’s face and almost immediately picked up the resemblance. “He has a wife?”

“I’m… I’m not sure my mother and him were…” Vasi gulped in embarrassment. “Married.”

“Ugh, this is Victor all over again.” The goblin warlord slammed her hand against her forehead in disbelief. “Let me settle this. I’m his goblin godmother, he’ll listen to me.”

“No, wait,” Vasi pleaded, too late. “No!”

“Braniño!” the goblin called the demon emperor across the room with the subtlety of a sledgehammer. “Come over here for your paternity test!”

“What?” The Demon Emperor turned around to face the buffet. Vasi immediately hid her visage behind her hands so as not to be recognized. “What is the meaning of thi–”

He choked upon noticing Vasi. Perhaps it was the horns, or the robe, but she looked familiar to him in all the wrong ways.

“Baba Darling?” The Demon Emperor’s usual bravado crumbled away, swiftly replaced with a pitiful relic of hope. He joined his hands together as if praying to a god and slithered towards Vasi. “You came back to me?”

He didn’t dump her mother, Basil realized. He could recognize that pathetic, needy ‘she’ll take me back’ tone anywhere. She dumped him and he never got over it.

Vasi immediately moved behind Basil, who swiftly readied his halberd to defend his lady from her deadbeat dad. The Demon Emperor’s eyes burned with furious jealousy and raised his hands. Lightning coursed through his fingers.

No spell came though. Vasi found the courage to face her father, lowering her hands to reveal her visage.

“You’re…” The Demon Emperor studied his daughter’s expression. She must have looked familiar to him, yet his mind struggled to process the truth. “You’re not Baba.”

“No, no…” Vasi started to hyperventilate. “I’m… you know, it doesn’t really matter…”

“It’s your bastard daughter,” Goblina declared bluntly.

Vasi choked so hard Basil thought she might faint on the spot. Her father’s jaw dropped in astonishment, and Basil glared at Goblina for spoiling the surprise. Many guests were now looking at the scene, worsening his girlfriend’s embarrassment.

“I’m disappointed in you, Braniño,” Goblina scolded the fiend as if he were a child. “After what happened to your father, I thought you would know better.”

“You… you… you’re…” The Demon Emperor wagged a finger at himself and his daughter in quick succession. “With Baba?”

“I… I think so, yes.” A strained smile stretched on Vasi’s face. “Hello, Father.”

Gasps and shocked sounds echoed across the hall, as father and daughter held each other’s gaze.

“I have a daughter,” the demon emperor whispered.

Vasi nodded slowly, her trembling hands joined together. Her father collected himself and regained his composure.

Which he promptly lost.

“I have a daughter!” The Demon Emperor’s shock turned to explosive joy. He giddily hopped around the room like a grasshopper, spilling wine cups and plates as he went. “I HAVE A DAUGHTER!”

Of all possible reactions, Basil didn’t expect that one.

“He…” The scene confused Vasi as much as it did her boyfriend. “He… he didn’t know?”

“Clearly not,” Basil replied, dumbfounded.

“It’s wonderful, Boss!” one of Braniño’s knight bodyguards cheered his superior. “We should celebrate with a day off!”

“Fetch me a painter!” The Demon Lord ordered. “I shall have a portrait of my daughter in every home!”

“I don’t get it,” Vasi muttered. “Why would mother lie?”

When her father suddenly stopped hopping around, Basil guessed they would soon receive the answer to that very question.

“Wait… you.” The Demon Emperor glared at Basil with shining eyes. His previous joy had burned away in the flames of cold fury. His tone turned dangerous, his stance became threatening. “You were touching my daughter one minute ago… with your peasant hands.”

Basil glared back at him. Many members of his family had been farmers for generations, and he was proud of his pastoral heritage! “Better a peasant than a deadbeat dad.”

He immediately realized his mistake when the staff put as much space as they could between Basil and themselves. Even Goblina took a few steps back. Only then did Basil understand what kind of mess he had walked into.

“You… you ruffian!” Vasi’s dad was speedrunning fatherhood and skipped straight to the shotgun phase. “How dare you make a move on my teenage virgin daughter?!”

You are going to have a bad time.

Shit.

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