Chapter 13: ☾ | X : Painful Memories

The young lady was sitting patiently beside me while her father examined me. They were both very kind and respectful towards me. Shifu was considerate and explained his actions before doing something I was unfamiliar with, this helped me to stay calm. Of course, the little lady was there too. Her soothing voice and her tiny hands holding mine for support eased me greatly as I dealt with this uncomfortable situation.

In reality, I felt nervous about talking to the doctor because the way I got my injuries were shameful and dishonorable. More than anything, I didn’t want Miss Risa to hear such horrific stories so when Shifu asked me if I could undress to show him my injuries, I pretended to be shy and asked the lady to step outside. As expected, she obliged with the sweetest attitude and promised to wait by the door.

 

I felt bad for asking her to leave when in my heart I knew her company was everything I wanted but I couldn’t let her know all the terrible things I wanted to confess to the doctor either. In my mind, I thought, at least between two men it was easier to talk about crude things. In this way, I didn’t have to censor myself since this doctor was very skillful and educated. Moreover, I had a feeling he was genuine and would actually be able to help me without impure motives so, at the very least I felt like I could trust him a little more.

 

Besides, if he did try to harm me after all the things, he went through to help me at least, I would die knowing I got to meet a cute young lady and I was able to eat a good meal. Dear Goddess, please help me today so that I can overcome my pains. I am scared to admit the truth but its time I told someone about my life up until now. Hopefully, Shifu would believe me and help me. Amen. Humbly, I sat there praying while Shifu was preparing a blanket for me in case I felt cold or uncomfortable.

“I apologize for asking you to undress, but if you feel cold or want to stop or take a break you can cover yourself with this at any time. If you prefer to stop entirely for today just tell me”, the doctor said while handing me a soft blanket. Carefully, I took off my shirt and tied my hair in a bun, revealing several scars, bloody unhealed wounds, burn marks and bite marks. Shifu asked if he could disinfect my injuries and treat them properly, I agreed and he began applying medicine to my body. Then, he asked if I had injuries on my lower body as well and with a shame I nodded.

 

“Would you prefer to have Risa inside? Are you uncomfortable with me treating the other wounds?” He asked compassionately, taking notes of my injuries, and awaiting my response. “As you know I was a prostitute up til yesterday. Since I was six, I was living in that brothel. When I was first brought there that shitty Rahu raped me multiple times... saying it was practice to help me entertain customers.” I began to say, clutching my fists in the process. Deep down, the more I recalled my past the more I wanted to choke on my words and die. However, I pushed myself to keep on speaking.

“Those encounters... left me with immense pain that I can’t even begin to describe. Despite the pain, I started taking clients when I was nine. Since then, disgusting people would touch me, beat me, mark me, brand me, torture me, and violate me if they paid enough money. I am pretty sure my entire body is diseased ridden and damaged. I’ve seen other prostitutes like me die of diseases, I fear at some point I may end up like them too. Everything is sore and painful, and many times I just want to die. I-”

 

As I tried to confess my feelings and speak of my story, I couldn’t help but cry, my body was shaking and tears were pouring down like a hurricane. Strangely, my hands felt wet, I could see blood dripping from my hands that I clenched so hard until the nails dug into the flesh. It was painful and numb. Upon seeing my expression, Shifu instinctively covered me with the blanket and began to pet my head warmly.

 

Disgracefully, I continued to cry and asked if he really needed me to undress further. He said no and he offered to give me medicine and instructions on how to apply it so I could do it by myself in my own room later on. He told me it was better if a doctor applied medicine in most cases but he would explain what to do for now since I was uncomfortable and he didn’t think it was best to overdo things. He also mentioned that if I needed help to let him know and he would assist me at any time.

 

Slowly, I was starting to understand why the young lady insisted I see Shifu. Although he was a really grouchy man on the outside, deep down he cared a lot for his patients and was not a bad guy at all. From what I could tell, he was like a kind father who just wanted to help his kids. In this sense, I felt blessed to be treated by him. As I sat there shaking and crying, I could feel Shifu’s hand quickly bandaging and cleaning the wounds on my hands. Gently, he was applying medicine and without wasting time he covered the wound before turning to his desk to fetch his notes.

 

“Okay, so I wrote down all the instructions on how to apply medicine for genital injuries. We already treated the injuries on your abdomen, back, hands, arms, neck, and face. There doesn’t seem to be any major head injuries which is good. I’ll prescribe some medicine to take with your meals, finish all of it even if its bitter. I will inform the old lady about what to feed you while you’re recovering since you are malnourished and underweight. We’ll incorporate some special foods into your diet to improve your health.

 

This blue elixir should be taken for 1 week, until its empty. The salves should be applied until the skin is clear and there’s no more pain. And the pills should be taken whenever you feel pain. For the mental issues, drink this tea before going to sleep until you feel better, if you need more refills or the symptoms continue let me know in two weeks and we will do a follow up exam.

 

Do you have any questions or concerns that you want to talk about before we finish for today?” Jahei asked with great devotion to his work. After listening to everything he said I was baffled by how thorough he was and how well he knew what to do. Even before I got a basket of medicines, the salves he applied earlier already started to ease my pain. Awkwardly, I shook my head and said no, I was content with what we talked about for today and exhausted after crying so much.

 

Once he was done handing me medicines, I was told to get dressed while he went to find something else for me. Listening to his instructions, I began to dress myself but I could hear Shifu rummaging through his cabinets rather loudly. Wondering why he was fumbling so much I turned to see what he was doing only to find something odd appear before me. “A rabbit?” I asked, “A rabbit,” he replied. “Rabbit?” I repeated. “Yes, a rabbit,” he retorted. “BUT WHY RABBIT- OOF!” I questioned this strange situation only to get a toy rabbit booped into my face.

 

“It’s a comfort toy, for patients with stress,” Shifu stated while I held the little plush toy in my hand. “Umm, Shifu, this doesn’t look like your style to be honest,” I blurted out not even trying to be polite about my observation. “Risa said I should be comforting and give good bedside manners to the patients. So, if patients are stressed or uncomfortable, we decided to give them toys. I have rabbits today. Sometimes we have cats, rabbits, birds, dogs, whatever the local vendors are selling. I usually buy a case and give them to my patients, especially the kids.” He explained his reasons but I just stood there dumbfounded by the entire conversation. In a way, it was almost like Shifu was an idiot, an airhead and a badass all in one but I have a feeling it was also the little miss’s influence.

 

Not wanting to dig too deep into the mind of this weird doctor I placed the little bunny in the basket of medicines and bowed respectfully to him. When I took my leave and opened the door, a tiny lady was sitting on a chair by the door sniffling as if someone just threw onion juice in her face. Huh? Why is the little miss crying?! I was worried she either heard our conversation or she hurt herself while no one was looking, she totally seemed like the clumsy type that would do that!

 

“Little miss, what’s wrong-” before I could finish talking the adorable lady ran up to me hugging me and asked if I was okay. “You took so long in there I thought you were dying, is everything okay? Was papa mean to you? Should I scold him? Are you badly hurt? Xiao Bai~” Her big eyes were glazed in tears; it was honestly the cutest saddest face I ever saw. I admit, I was completely falling for this young lady. Indeed, I found everything about her to be absolutely precious and I would to do anything to see her smile at this point.

 

“I’m okay my lady. Shifu was very nice to me and helped me a lot. He gave me all this medicine and a bunny rabbit too; do you want to see it?” I tried to soothe her woes as I spoke to her. Cutely, she offered to carry my basket but I declined seeing as she was much smaller and weaker than me, I couldn’t possibly accept her offer. I’m still a man after all, that would be way too embarrassing!

“Xiao Bai~ do you like the toy? I told papa to give them to patients, it’s really nice right? I figured it would comfort people especially if they came to the doctor for something really serious. Oh! I’ll help you with your medicine if you want. If there’s something I can prepare or cook for you let me know. I’m good at cooking too,” the charming young lady continued to speak, lightening my heart with her angelic words.

“Miss Risa, you seem really taken by me, do you like me that much?” I asked merely to tease her a little bit but her answer was quite unexpected. “Mhm~ I like you a lot Xiao Bai~ You’re so polite and handsome and nice. I think we’ll be great friends~!” Her words rang in my ears like windchimes, the words I like you repeatedly endless in my head.

Goddess! I think I’m really falling in love with this little lady! Why is she so cute? And so small? And her voice, it squeaks! Not to mention how pretty she is, just look at her she’s the spitting image of the Fire Goddess Raiszadah! Is this a blessing from the heavens? Imagine in a few years, what a knock out she’ll be! I can’t even begin to wonder how I’ll react then. I might just die! My face was turning red just thinking these thoughts!

 

“Xiao Bai~ you stopped walking? We’re almost to your room, do you want to take a break? Does your leg hurt?” The little miss asked, while I was so busy in my own thoughts. Clearly, I just came back to reality and noticed we were in the house already. “Ah sorry my lady, I was thinking about how honored I am to have your affections and friendship. I’m sorry, I just felt so happy my mind was in a daze.” I said while trying my best to sound respectful as I spoke to her. “Aww, you’re too kind, the honor is all mine,” she replied, smiling ever so sweetly at me.

 

In the blink of an eye, the young miss went away, wandering off to her room saying she needed to change her clothes like she promised Granny. “Do you need any help my lady? Should I call Rui?” I asked wondering if she would be okay dressing herself. “I’m alright, you go to your room and take your medicine. I’ll stop by to hang out once I’m done changing into my home clothes,” the young miss said politely.

As I turned to open my door, I could hear her call out to me. “Oh! If you want to change into something comfier you should go ahead and do that too. I noticed you’re wearing the really fancy suit I picked. It looks so good on you but I bet its uncomfortable to wear for long periods of time. The fabric is pretty thick! There are more simple comfy pajamas in the dresser on the bottom shelves. Father probably didn’t know where anything was and left you alone didn’t he?” The young miss said with a cute giggle, I didn’t know what to say so, I nodded shyly and she continued to speak.

“Ah I knew it! Me and the ladies decorated your room and bought your clothes so if you need help feel free to ask us. I highly recommend trying on the pajamas, they are really soft and comfortable!” After saying this, miss Risa twirled around and went into her bedroom. Foolishly, I couldn’t help but enter my room and blush intensely. She was so kind, complimenting me and treating me like a man. No one ever did that! I was always disrespected and treated like a woman. It felt nice being seen as a male.

 

Once I settled down, I locked the bedroom door and quickly looked for the pajamas the lady mentioned. She was right. There were over two dozen options of pajamas, all in black but with different patterns. Does the lady like black? I noticed she was wearing a black outfit too. Did she want us to match? How adorable. I began to hum to myself while changing into the pajamas and packing away the other garments.

 

Surprisingly, the majority of clothes I received fit well and many had adjustable straps and waist bands so there was no need to tailor anything. “What a considerate girl, she really picked some nice things for me. Someday I must repay her kindness,” I told to myself while unpacking the medicines on the bedside table. The lady would probably take longer than me to get dresser since girls liked to be more detailed with their appearances so I decided to go ahead and apply the medicines Shifu gave me.

 

Looking over my bundle of drugs, I decided to brew the tea later on when it was night and drink the elixir first. It didn’t have a taste and felt like I was drinking water so that was easy to take. Then I swallowed the pills according to his directions, chewing on a dried apricot to help digest the pills like he suggested as well. When I got to the salve and bandages it was a bit tricky to do everything by myself. After applying medicine to the open wounds, I felt like my entire body was burning considerably but then the pain started to fade so I sighed in relief.

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Much to my annoyance, I admitted it would have been wiser to ask Jahei for help with the topical medicine. However, I was far too ashamed to undress entirely in front of anyone in this household. They were all such upstanding people, I felt really disgusting compared to them. “Someone like me, doesn’t deserve such kindness.” I couldn’t help but mumble these words to myself feeling torn by all that has happened recently.

 

After taking all the medicines, I decided to explore all the things in my room and see what was mine to use. The master of the house said this entire room and everything in it was for me so I guess it was alright to use things? Timidly, I went through each drawer finding things like clothes, jewelry, accessories, shoes, extra bed sheets, towels, stationery, books, and so many other things, my goodness it was like they prepared a room for a prince!

 

“Why is there so much stuff? It’s like a life-sized doll house,” I exclaimed trying to understand where everything came from. I bet the young lady was excited and bought everything she could find, I thought with sweat drops going down my head. Poor Shifu probably spent a lot of money on all of this. With a stricken face, I couldn’t help but feel guilty in this room full of so many beautiful things. Admittedly, I really loved what they did for me, the entire house felt welcoming and comfortable. I didn’t lack anything and everyone was so nice to me.

 

Still, it felt strange to me. I didn’t know how to accept such kindness. While I was rummaging through my room, I noticed my body was starting to feel better. Awestruck, I didn’t expect Shifu’s medicine to work so quickly but I was content knowing his treatment was working on me. “Goddess, thank you for bringing me such kind people. I hope one day I can repay their kindness”, I prayed with a humble expression.

 

At the same time, I heard some footsteps and several knocks on my door, it must be the lady I assumed. “Xiao Bai~ it’s me Risa! Are you all done getting dressed and taking your medicine? May I enter or should I come back later? Are you hungry? I have snacks!” She spoke so sweetly; her high-pitched voice made her words so much cuter too.

 

Instantly, I sprung up to unlock the door and slide it open. “Oh! We match!” My lady squealed in excitement. M-marry me please! My mind was screaming upon seeing her face. I was really going to die from excitement at this rate. “Ah yes, we’re both wearing black so we match~ isn’t that nice?” I tried to say in a composed manner but I was practically dancing on clouds in my head.

 

Upon closer inspection, I felt my entire body growing warmer than it normally was. Oh god… As if the rose-colored glasses weren’t enough to muddle my judgement, I did a double take realizing not only was the lady wearing black but also it was definitely a new, much more revealing outfit! Is this normal? I questioned myself not wanting to say anything rude to the young miss.

Yesterday, she was dressed in a black skirt with a short blouse and a sheer scarf. Quite frankly, I thought that was a bit risky but shook it off thinking it was just foreign clothing but this! Now she was wearing a dudou and short pants! Is this a test of willpower? I can see her belly and legs and arms, and shoulders, why do I feel so excited about this? I want to die. In my head I was crying at this point because I didn’t know how to react.

Does she not realize I am a male? Is she so used to females she doesn’t understand human attraction? Wait, is she dense? I bet her father says nothing because he’s dense too. They are both dense! That must be it, I’m living in the home full of dense people!

 

Dammit! I cried internally while imaging myself banging my own head against a wall. Shifu even left us alone last night, he is totally disregarding human instincts! As if to betray my own character, I couldn’t believe myself either for how I felt at this moment. Before today, I never cared about anyone at the brothel but now look at me! How could I have improper thoughts about the young lady, ogling at an innocent lady at that! I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me.

How dare I behave this way! I wanted to gouge my eyes out in shame of my own impure thoughts. I’m sure she doesn’t even realize this. She probably just dresses this way normally and with only women and her weird father around the thought of sexuality never came up. But why is she so adorable?

 

Rather than seductive she looks like a baby squirrel that should be protected at all costs! Goddess! I wish I could pet her head right now, why is she so endearing and little? My desire to fawn over the lady was growing so strong I could only pray that my mind remained rational thinking despite my own feelings towards her. Nonetheless, my brain was screaming with conflicting thoughts in an effort to silence whatever pervert ideas came to mind. Meanwhile, the young lady stood by the door unsure if she could enter or not. Crap, I ignored her! I continued to shout within the inner recesses of my mind.

 

“Ah, p-please forgive me my lady...! I didn’t mean to stare, please come in and have a seat.” I said with haste, all while feeling dumb for not inviting her in sooner. “Xiao Bai are you okay?” She asked looking at me with her doe eyes as she entered my room. In no way, shape, or form, could I tell her that I was staring at her outfit! Nor could I say I fell in love with her at first sight! Frankly, I would rather die at this point than confess the truth.

 

Knowing, I could never say any of these things lest I would wither away in shame, I just nodded stupidly and closed the door. Yet, like a fool my eyes followed the young lady’s every move as if I were a preying hawk. She walked so gracefully it was hypnotizing to watch her move. Without delay, my eyes followed her until she sat on my bed in an innocent manner much like a younger sister who came to have girl talk with her older sisters. Ah! The realization hit me like swift kick to the groin at that moment. The little miss sees me as a ‘girl’ friend, doesn’t she? I told myself with a pitiful acceptance at the current situation.

As I realized my fate, it became clearer to me what was going on. By her actions, it was clear to me now that she wasn’t noticing boys nor was she noticing me just yet. Hopelessly, I tried to put aside my ridiculous feelings and just behave like a proper gentleman at this point. “Xiao Bai, let’s eat some snacks. I just made some puffed rice!” The lady said, holding out a bowl of puffed rice for us to eat.

Apparently, in addition to being painfully dense and innocent the lady loved to eat. Despite being so tiny and cute she was always stuffing her cheeks like a chipmunk! Where does all that food even go? I couldn’t help but wonder as I studied her petite figure. Not that I was upset about her eating of course, it was adorable! But! I hope her main love isn’t just food... My internal cries grew deeper at this thought. It probably is food; I couldn’t help but admit defeat at this realization.

 

“Oh? Is that why you took so long? I was wondering where you went. I thought you were taking a bath,” I said trying to talk to her and learn more about the lady. “A bath? Nope, I got changed pretty fast but then I met papa in the hallway. He said he gave you a bunch of medicines and it could take some time to apply everything. He said you needed privacy and that we should give you some time alone so we went to puff rice to kill time.

 

When I was done cooking, I figured I would bring you some snacks too. Papa said you needed to eat while taking medicine so I brought this for you~ It’s not super healthy but its tasty and a good snack before lunch time, don’t you agree?” Risa explained the mystery behind the puffed rice and I felt moved by her consideration towards me. Holding back the urge to cry, I thanked her for the snacks and we started eating.

 

She looked content to see me eat and offered to make me other dishes and foods in the future. I guess it’s a start, she already won my heart so it was fine to get to know each other gradually like this too. “Xiao Bai, what do you like to do for fun?” Risa suddenly asked me while we ate. Licking my fingers, I stopped for a moment to think about her question. What did I like?

 

“Hmm, no one has really ever asked me that question before. I don’t know to be honest. I guess I like food? And animals. I never really did anything for fun except eating candy with the kids at the brothel sometimes. But I don’t think that counts, does it?” I was rambling utter nonsense in hopes of trying to answer the lady’s question but I don’t think I did a very good job. “Huh?” I shrieked, upon seeing the little lady’s face peering into mine, as she sat closer to me and looked really desperate.

“Wha-what? What is it miss? Is there something on my face,” I was so shocked by her actions I began to mumble. “No! It’s just you’re such a pitiful child,” she said with googly eyes. “Ah, well,” I tried to reply but she cut me off. “Ahhhh! AAAHH!” She pulled out a candy from her pocket and held several more in her other hand, gesturing for me to open my mouth and eat the one she was trying to feed me. Her small lips kept opening and her eyes glimmered as she tried to feed me candy. I was getting embarrassed but I opened my mouth to be fed since I didn’t have the heart to turn her down.

“Aaah,” the sounds of my mouth opening came out weirdly, making me self-conscious as she pushed the candy into my mouth with her fingers. Why did this feel so strangely intimate? Her finger tips touched my tongue... I licked her finger by accident...!!! OH MY GODDESS! PLEASE KILL ME! WHY AM I GETTING SO EXCITED?! I quickly clamped my mouth shut and prayed she wouldn’t see me as some sick pervert.

“Is it tasty? That one is peach flavored. I made these two days ago and they dried out nicely. I’ll give you some more. There are different fruit flavors, each color is different, see?” The lady explained, handing me several handmade candies, and completely not acknowledging that I just licked her finger. SHE DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE!! NOT ONE DAMN BIT! AAHHHHHH!

 

At this point, I was banging my skull against a wall in the inner parts of my mind once more. Please Goddess don’t ever let this innocent young lady find out I’m such a pervert! I would rather die than taint her pure hearted soul with my vile sick thoughts! In an emotional state, I bite down on the candy and carefully put the other ones on the table beside us.

 

“Xiao Bai? Are you okay?” I was so busy with the chaos in my head I didn’t notice I was staring off into space in the presence of the lady. Get. Yourself. Together. ZHOU BAI! “Oh, umm, yes. I was just so happy about the candy and the snacks. They tasty really good miss Risa~” I replied trying to ease the tension.

“Xiao Bai, umm, can you stop calling me Miss Risa? I’d prefer if you called me Risa,” the young miss said while looking at me with a dejected face. For some reason, I wanted to call her by her name too but I felt uncomfortable putting her on my level. “Miss…I’m sorry but I can’t do that. I don’t feel comfortable treating you with such lack of respect,” I humbly confessed.

 

“But-” she tried to plea but I cut her off with my sorrowful eyes. More than anything, I knew I wasn’t ready to bridge the gap between us. I did not feel worthy of her kindness nor did I think I deserved the honor of being her friend. I was truly a worthless slave and she was too good for me.

As we locked eyes in a pitiful staring match, the young miss pouted and gave in. “Mmmm... Okay, Xiao Bai you win. But if you ever change your mind, I hope one day you don’t feel a need to treat me so formally,” she said meekly. Darn it. I could tell she was disappointed and I felt bad too. Yet, it was too much for me to suddenly adjust to her pace even though I wanted to, I was scared to get closer to her. It was too soon for me to open my heart. Disgracefully, I bite my lips trying not to show my own emotions and I turned away from her to compose myself.

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