Chapter 14: ♡ | XI : Insecurities

“I’m sorry Zhou Bai, please don’t be upset,” I tried to remedy the situation that I foolishly caused. Initially, I was only trying to make Xiao Bai feel more comfortable but I made him feel awkward instead. Obviously, he was not used to having friends or people care for him and like a moron, I was too overbearing and cornered him with my intensity. Softly, I tried to reach out my hand to pet his back, hoping he would forgive me. However, before I could touch the back of his shirt, he turned to me and caught my hand in midair. With uncertainty, I didn’t know how to help him so I sat there quietly and observed the situation.

 

“Risa, I like you,” he confessed, clutching my hand tightly and giving me a pained expression. “But... I don’t know you. I don’t even know myself. I don’t feel worthy to call you by your name. I don’t feel worthy to eat the food you make. I don’t feel like I deserve your kindness nor your help.

I deserve nothing but death. We’ve only met for two days and already I can’t bear to leave you but I really hate myself. I hate everything about who I am and how I’ve lived up til now. And the worst part is every time you act nice towards me, I feel afraid. I am terribly afraid to show you this side of me that hates himself. I’m afraid whatever this blessing may be will end and I will be thrown away in no time.

 

Before we met, I did horrible things. I lived with horrible violent people. Very bad evil people who did unspeakable things to me. Things I can’t even explain to you. Things I don’t have the courage to talk about freely. And because of these horrible experiences, I feel like it ruined me.

It hurts me... I am damaged goods. I can’t smile or laugh or shiny brightly the way you do. I’m not a good person like you are. I don’t deserve to even hold your hand like this... But, for some reason I really want to. I can’t even understand myself anymore. I’m sorry my lady, I am not a normal person like you. I am a broken ugly piece of trash that doesn’t deserve your pure hearted kindness.

 

I am truly the worst kind of scum. I am lowly like dirt and you shouldn’t have to stoop to my level at all. You shine like the moonlight, even in darkness you are so lively and beautiful. But not me. I’m rotten like a corpse and I belong hidden away for others, buried for my sins underground where no one can see me or put up with me.” Xiao Bai spilled his guts, telling me everything that he’s been holding in since he got here.

 

All along, I knew something was wrong. From the way he acted, I could tell since earlier today that he was hurting. Despite my own false pretense, I heard everything he said to Jahei. I knew he was raped, beaten, tortured, and abused. I was well aware of his painful past. How I longed to say the truth but I couldn’t.

 

Truthfully, I wanted to say I understand your pain Xiao Bai but my tongue was held back. More than anything, I wanted to confess that I am not some innocent little girl but right now I could not say that! Presently, I am a human girl. I am Risa. No matter what, I cannot discard this identity. For now, I am not Raiszadah, the powerful almighty Goddess of War. Until he is older and capable of becoming a powerful guardian, I cannot tell him who I am lest God will kill him in some vicious way.

Knowing this and seeing his pained expression was frustrating. Conflictingly, I clenched my teeth in irritation at myself for not knowing what to do to mend this child’s broken soul. What was Risa supposed to do for him? What could an innocent sickly girl do for a child like this? How could I play my part and comfort him? I didn’t know what to do. I hated myself for not knowing what to do. Like a bird about to take flight, I decided to give up on my doubts. Instead, I will gamble on luck and just try to support this child as best as I can to help him heal in this current situation.

Silently, I held Xiao Bai’s hand in mine, and pulled him into my arms, hugging him tightly in that moment. Without words, he cried like a newborn child. Unapologetically, his tears drenched his face and his voice quivered in pain. In response to his suffering, I couldn’t help but cry too. We both sat on his bed crying like fools, his head leaning against my chest and my arms wrapping tightly around his head and shoulder.

 

“I’m sorry Xiao Bai. I wanted to help you but I made you feel insecure instead. The truth is, I heard what you told father. And I asked him what could I do to help you. He said to just be there for you and comfort you so I tried. But I messed up. I thought it was a burden for you to use titles and worry about social statuses. I hate those things because me and father were poor too. It was only recently that we obtained money. So, I know. I know what it’s like to suffer. I don’t know what it’s like to live in a brothel but I know how it feels to lose your parents, and your family.

Right now, Jahei is all I have. And when I found out about you, I couldn’t leave you behind like I was left behind. Your mom and dad were really important to my father. So, you are important to us too. You can be my brother, my friend, or whatever you want but please don’t call yourself bad things.

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You had really bad experiences but it’s over now. Someday you will stop hating yourself and those bad thoughts will stop hurting you so much. Then, all the bad memories will fade away. Because I’ll make good memories with you and we’ll be happier together from now on. So please, trust me and count on me,” I cried, begging him to hear my words. In that moment, I felt so powerless and sad. I knew he was struggling. I should have been smarter. I felt so stupid for hurting him.

 

Ashamed of my carelessness, I could only berate myself and accept the aftermath of my foolish actions by comforting the now tearful youngling before me. “Heh, my lady. You must think I’m such a weak guy. Every time we’re alone I end up crying in your arms,” Xiao Bai smirked while drying his tears. I pulled away from him and we looked each other in the eyes. “It’s okay. I won’t look down on you Xiao Bai. I think you’re very strong. And look, I’m a crybaby too,” I confessed with a weary smile.

“We both need to be stronger, don’t we?” He admitted, trying his best to give me a weak smile as he kindly wiped away my tears. “Yeah, especially me. I’m much older than you and I still act so spoiled,” I pouted to myself. “Huh?” He blurted out with a stunned expression. Oh no… I fucked up! My head turned white as I scrambled to figure out an excuse. “Ah well, I’m already fourteen but in January I’ll be fifteen! So, I’m almost two years older than you. I should act more mature instead of behaving so embarrassingly every time we are together.” I tried to say in an effort to cover up my dumb slip up.

Well, I did tell the other ladies I was a teenager, no one knew my real age except Jahei so I guess we’ll go with this story for now. “I just turned thirteen yesterday,” Xiao Bai muttered. “WHAT?! I missed your birthday! Oh no! Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” I whined seriously feeling bad for ruining his birthday and not even knowing his birthday.

“I had no chance to mention it, really. Besides, I never celebrated my birthday anyways so it’s fine.” The boy continued to tell me his sad stories and I couldn’t help but flash my sad kitten eyes at him. This poor sweet baby has suffered so much, I wanted to do anything I could to make it up to him. “But don’t worry my lady. Meeting you, and everyone else has been a really good birthday present in itself,” he said modestly. “You’re too modest Xiao Bai! I’ll make it up to you I swear!” I declared with a burning passion to make his birthdays as amazing as possible from now it.

 

“You don’t have to worry, really. The only thing I want is to stay here with you,” the sweet young lad said in his softest voice. I swear, my heart melted every time he spoke. God dammit, why is he so precious! Xiao Bai was like an abandoned kitten purring for the first time and I was happy to see him warming up to me so quickly. “By the way, my lady I’m beginning to feel sleepy. It’s probably because of the medicine Shifu gave me. I am going to try and rest for a bit,” he said while letting out a gentle yawn.

Upon observing Xiao Bai, I could tell he had a long day and needed his rest so I got off the bed and helped him prepare for a nap. “Xiao Bai, do you want me to leave so you can rest?” I asked politely while spreading the blanket over his body. To my surprised, the boy looked at me with a distressed helpless face and asked me for a favor. “Actually, my lady, if it’s not too much trouble will you stay with me until I fall asleep? I know this is a selfish request but I don’t want you to go.”

Without hesitation I replied, “of course, I’ll stay and keep you company so you can relax.” I didn’t have the heart to leave him alone and I felt bad seeing him look so weak with no one to watch over him. What if he got worse in his sleep or had a nightmare? I was too worried to leave him alone. I admit, I was even planning to sit behind his door if he asked me to leave. Fortunately, he was willing to trust me and patted on the mattress, insisting I lay beside him and hold his hand.

Compliantly, I leaned against the headboard and held his hand, softly humming while he closed his eyes. “Xiao Bai, in the future, I’ll teach you many things. We’ll study, we’ll learn about each other, and we’ll grow up together. So, for now let’s take our time and learn more, about life and each other. It’s okay if we take things slowly. I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here by your side. For now, just focus on getting better and healing. Then we’ll do more fun things together and eat lots of yummy food and everything will be okay.” I spoke in a comforting tone as I watched Xiao Bai doze off into a deep slumber. “Good night, Xiao Bai,” I whispered gently just before he fell fast asleep.

Once I knew he was in a deep sleep, I carefully let go of his hand, putting the little bunny in the gap so he wouldn’t wake up and I stepped outside where Jahei was waiting for me. “You were right, the medicine did knock him out,” I said in a more serious tone. “Indeed, I used water magic to increase the healing properties of his medicine by 10 times the normally effectiveness. He drank the elixir too. That should heal all of his internal injuries within a week. Are you going to be gone for a long time, mother?” Jahei asked knowing I was planning something sinister.

 

“I’m going to kill that shitty Rahu and barbeque a few idiots, keep an eye on the kid, okay?” I requested, turning to Jahei who was sighing in his usually uninterested manner. “Very well, it’s around 5pm, will you be done before sunset?” My son asked checking his pocket watch. “Yes, I only need an hour to slaughter some pigs. Where are the ladies by the way?” I mentioned, noticing how quiet it was all of a sudden.

“I sent them to buy some groceries from the night market, they won’t be home until dinner time. I told them you were not feeling well so I sent you to your room to rest. I told them not to disturb you either. Once you leave, I’ll stick around and keep an eye on things so don’t waste any time otherwise I’ll have to knock them all out,” Jahei stated in his usual deadpan manner. “That’s fine dear. I will go now so alert me if anything happens,” I instructed my son who assured me everything would be fine and then followed me outside to send me off.

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